Thighs Wide Shut

and the noms de poop be…

Best Picture
Atonement
Juno
Michael Clayton
No Country for Old Men
There Will Be Blood

we don’t know how my cocks or vaginas Fox Searchlight had to suck this month, but Juno for breast pic? The Oscars are officially as lame as Coachella

WINNER: There Will Be Blood, to make up for the 3 noms that aint even worthy of joining it in this category

Actor
George Clooney, Michael Clayton
Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood
Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd
Tommy Lee Jones, In the Valley of Elah
Viggo Mortensen, Eastern Promises

WINNER: a mustache = there will be gold for DD-L

Actress
Cate Blanchett, Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Julie Christie, Away from Her
Marion Cotillard, La Vie en Rose
Laura Linney, The Savages
Ellen Page, Juno

WINNER: Cotillard probably deserves it more, but Christie was unforgettable and the voters won’t forget it either

Supporting Actor
Casey Affleck, Ass of Jesse James
Javier Bardem, No Country For Old Men
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Charlie Wilson’s War
Hal Holbrook, Into The Wild
Tom Wilkinson, Michael Clayton

WINNER: all amazing performances (although it was hard to stay awake during Jesse James), but Bardem’s hair is a cut above the rest of the competition

Supporting Actress
Cate Blanchett, I’m Not There
Ruby Dee, American Gangster
Saoirse Ronan, Atonement
Amy Ryan, Gone Baby Gone
Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton

WINNER: good for Saoaororise for gettin some dap, but this baby’s gone going gone to Amy Ryan. Hopefully her win won’t usher in another 1284848 movies with Boston accents

Director
Julian Schnabel, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Jason Reitman, Juno
Tony Gilroy, Michael Clayton
Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, No Country for Old Men
Paul Thomas Anderson, There Will Be Blood

WINNER: if Jason Reitman gets a nod for a Wes Anderson knock-off than his dad Ivan shoulda gottensen a nod for Kindergarten Cop. Schnabel all the way baby!!!

Foreign Film
Beaufort, Israel
The Counterfeiters, Austria
Katyń, Poland
Mongol, Kazakhstan
12, Russia

WINNER: never heard of ANY of these, so in a make-up call for the trashing of Kazakhstan in Borat, Mongol will be mongold!!!

Adapted Screenplay
Christopher Hampton, Atonement
Sarah Polley, Away from Her
Ronald Harwood, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Joel Coen & Ethan Coen, No Country for Old Men
Paul Thomas Anderson, There Will Be Blood

WINNER: score for Polley, but Oscar loves to spread the wealth between the mos nominated flicks so the Coens will get the call

Original Screenplay
Diablo Cody, Juno
Nancy Oliver, Lars and the Real Girl
Tony Gilroy, Michael Clayton
Brad Bird, Story by Jan Pinkava, Jim Capobianco, Brad Bird,, Ratatouille
Tamara Jenkins, The Savages

WINNER: urrrrgh, Diablo Cody. Reading her EW columns makes us want to slit our eyes out… repoopulouslslsy!!

Animated Feature Film
Persepolis
Ratatouille
Surf’s Up

WINNER: should be Persepolis, and it might end up that way as Oscar night loves sirprizes

Art Direction
American Gangster
Atonement
The Golden Compass
Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
There Will Be Blood

WINNER: hmmmmmmm. A three way race, but we give the edge to Sweeney

Cinematography
Roger Deakins, The Ass of Jesse James
Seamus McGarvey, Atonement
Janusz Kaminski, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Roger Deakins, No Country for Old Men
Robert Elswit, There Will Be Blood

WINNER: will Deakins double dip cancel each other out? Perhaps. If that’s the case it’ll be either Elswit or Kaminski. We’ll say Elswit cause otherwise there may be even more blood!

Sound Mixing
The Bourne Ultimatum
No Country for Old Men
Ratatouille
3:10 to Yuma
Transformers

WINNER: more than meets the thighs… TRANSFORMERS!!

Sound Editing
The Bourne Ultimatum
No Country for Old Men
Ratatouille
There Will Be Blood
Transformers

WINNER: BOURNE to win!

Original Score
Dario Marianelli, Atonement
Alberto Iglesias, The Kite Runner
James Newton Howard, Michael Clayton
Michael Giacchino, Ratatouille
Marco Beltrami, 3:10 to Yuma

WINNER: love that typewriter shiz so Dario Marianelli!

Original Song
“Falling Slowly” from Once, Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
“Happy Working Song” from Enchanted, Music by Alan Menken
Lyric by Stephen Schwart
“Raise It Up” from Once, Nominees to be determined (what?)
“So Close” from Enchanted, Zzzzzzzzz
“That’s How You Know” from Enchanted, Zzzzzzzzz

WINNER: no Eddie Vedder? WTFredFunk? To hell with Enchanted‘s triple trip and to heaven with the kids from Once

Costume
Across the Universe
Atonement
Elizabeth: The Golden Age
La Vie en Rose
Sweeney Todd

WINNER: any of the 5 that aint Across The Universe. We’ll go with Atonement, but only cause Knightley put on her own wet t-shirt contest

Documentary Feature
No End in Sight
Operation Homecoming: Writing the Wartime Experience
Sicko
Taxi to the Dark Side
War/Dance

WINNER: gold in sight for No End in Sight

Documentary (short subject)
Freeheld
La Corona (The Crown
Salim Baba
Sari’s Mother

WINNER: we banged Sari’s mother and she was awful so it’s all about Salim Baba

Film Editing
The Bourne Ultimatum
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Into the Wild
No Country for Old Men
There Will Be Blood

WINNER: we’re gettin bored of picking these, so how bout Into The Wild since it won’t win much else

Makeup
La Vie en Rose
Norbit
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

WINNER: safest pick of the night… La Vie en Rose

Animated Short Film
I Met the Walrus
Madame Tutli-Putli
Même Les Pigeons Vont au Paradis (Even Pigeons Go to Heaven)
My Love (Moya Lyubov)
Peter & the Wolf

WINNER: we never got to bang Madame Tutli-Putli, so we think she’s a shoo-in

Live Action Short Film
At Night
Il Supplente (The Substitute)
Le Mozart des Pickpockets (The Mozart of Pickpockets)
Tanghi Argentini
The Tonto Woman

WINNER: ‘tonto’ means stoopid, and everyone loves a stupid woman!

Visual Effects
The Golden Compass
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
Transformers

WINNER: Transformers, duh

POOOP!
with zero affection for Zodiac
we may join the writers and wilson picket the show
if it goes on!

Thighs’ Annual Oscar Pool details 5thcoming
Stay pooned!

Here were our early picks in the ’05 & the ’06 & the ’07

and the biggest losers are…

The always lame Golden Globes
which were lamer this year than Jorge Camara’s dyed mustache

The Cowgirls
who lost by way of fake Yoko Romo

whomever Gary Allan is
who stole Johnny Drama’s face

this Aussie dude
who may lose his arm
for waving at some chicks

and the biggest winner?

Andrew Aitken Rooney
who may be bangin Amanda Bynes
@ age 89s

previously on Andy’s b-day:
Still Gr8 @ 88
Spank Heaven For Age 87
Still A Prick @ 86

There Will Be Blood
Double, Double, Oil and Trouble
Trailers & Mo

When the topic of who the greatest living actor is arises, the name Daniel Day-Lewis doesn’t always seem to get a mention. Maybe if he acted a bit more often than he did (this being only his 3rd movie in a decade), there wouldn’t even be a discussion on the matter. So when DD-L sinks himself into a meaty role, whatever the film, it is indeed worth watching. Take Gangs of New York for example. We’ve been quite lucky to erase most of that overbloated mess from our memory banks, but we’d never want to forget Day-Lewis’ cunning performance as Bill The Butcher, a character which still haunts us to this day. There Will Be Blood finds Day-Lewis in a similar place, a 2 1/2 hour plus period piece where there will be mustaches, but this black gold tale fares a heckuva lot better than Scorsese’s old New York story. While we were a bit befuddled by what the movie was eggzactly trying to say, we still couldn’t help but being mesmerized from the first frame to the last (even during the slow boring parts!). Props de leon galore go out to director Paul Thomas Anderson, who for once makes a pretentious movie that justifies its pretentiousness. Also lending a helpful hand are DD-L’s Ballad of Jack and Rose co-star Paul Dano (your probably know him better as the quiet kid in Little Miss Poopshoot) as a manic man of the cloth, and Radioheader Johnny Greenwood, whose score was one of the mos bone-chllin we’ve heard since Wendy Carlos‘ work on The Shining. Blood comes awfully close to being a masterpiece, and could of been had roller skates [NSFW] been invented back then. Why? Cause then and only then, there would have been boobs!

Marfa My Dear: Blood joins No Country For Old Men and the other oil epic Giant on the small list of movies filmed in Marfa, Texas

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): for D D-Lewis’s work alone, this thang is Breast In Show

Blood opens in limited theaters on 12/26

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Margot At The Wedding
Fornever Holding It’s Peace
Trailers & Mo

After the critical darling that was The Squid and The Whale, all delighted eyes were zeroed in on writer/director Noah Baumbach’s follow-up project. Who woulda thunk though that it would come purty darn close to being a total zero? Sadly, it’s a question I’ll be asking for quite some time. Picking up on where he left off with horrible people acting horrible to one another, Margot centers on the dysfunctional sisterhood of Nicole Kidman and Baumbach’s real-life wife Jennifer Jason Leigh. While Whale had some sympathetic characters that we could actually pull for (I was totally rooting for Billy Baldwin’s Ivan), Margot has none, and that’s why, for me, it doesn’t work. It’s endless bickering that goes nowhere cept on and on. By the time the credits were rollin, it seems like nothing had transpired, but then again, I cared so little for these deplorable peeps, it didn’t bother me one bit. The only thang that bothered me was how great Jack Black was. I’m glad he kept the stache but dropped the whole luchadore outfit. I smell a winning formula for the mos tenacious one

We Love: Halley Feiffer, almost more than Baumbach. Hollywurst, please cast Jules‘ daughter in anything and everything

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Redacted
Army Fatigue
Trailer

Poor Brian De Palma. Over the years, many have accused him of being a hack, and in some instances, they’re right. But lately in his career, he isn’t a hack as much as he’s juss a poor opportunist. It seems that he keeps delivering movies in a market already saturated with the same product. In 2000 it was Red Planet to his equally popcorny Mission To Mars. In 2006 it was Hollywoodland to his equally lame Black Dahilia. And in 2007 it’s every movie you can think of about the Middle East to his well intentioned, but poorly executed/overacted Redacted. And that’s really all I have to say about it. This redundant trend will end next year when De Palms returns to hackdom, hacking himself with a Untouchables prequel, Capone Rising, with King Leojacka$$ blasphemin on Connery’s Oscar-winning role as Jimmy Malone

A Spring In His Step: De Palms directed the video for Bruce Springsteen’s Courtney Cox sucking ‘Dancing In The Dark’

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

both flicks open today in select theaters

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

2) I sphinx the Pats are damn good, but also damn lucky. Lucky in a sense that the rest of the NFL teams, besides the Colts and the Cowboys, are beyond awful. They’re going to lose at least one game this year, and it’s gonna be at the hands of one of their lesser divisional foes. I know that sounds more chris than luda, but I totally have an itch about the their next game after the bye in Buffalo. Lee Evans and Marshawn Lynch cannot be stopped right now

3) I sphinx that the rookie season of Heroes, which we juss finished watching on DVD, may be one of the mos solidesistest 23-episodeded debuts of a show mt EVERest. How about for a 12-episodeded beginner? Dexter. 8 eps? Twin Peaks. 6? The (UK) Office

4) I sphinx that if I were homeless, I’d totally scrape together $10 for the round-trip fare from Poo Authority to the Ghettolands on any given Sunday. Why? Think of all the leftover tailgating foods and beverages that go to waste once the game starts: ribs, burgers, dogs, donuts, chips, beer, you name it, and it’s all free! Had I known how much of a poopfest the Skins-Jets game was going to be, I may have juss stayed in the parking lot and eaten like a king… Peter King that is! Dude is more mammoth than many a woolly!

5) I sphinx Ben & Jerry can do no better than their Cinnamon Buns flavor. Caramel Ice Cream with Cinnamon Bun Dough & a Caramel Streusel Swirl aint no wet dream, it’s actually a frozen one!

7) I sphinx the UK’s Retro Gamer mag is the coolest read since Ramona Quimby, Age 8

8) I sphinx über-adorable Jayma Mays needs some mo love in Hollywood. She’s been on our radar since the ‘005, when she replaced Lohag as our redhead of choice (although the one down in the pic below is now top of the pops)

9) I sphinx the are two things one should not go a day without looking at: NSFW boobs and mustaches of the 19th century

10) I sphinx Halloween has replaced St Patty’s day as the bestest drinking holiday. Costumes + beer = bestumes!!!

Ten Things I Think I Think I Think Without A ThinkPad