Thighs Wide Shut

Spank the lord
and Barry Diller
cause
JEEVES
of AskJeeves.lame fame
is more done than the Green Bay Packers

1997 – 2005
Sadly, this won’t put an end to the poop searches that Ask.com gives us peoples. Tits been ages since I’ve used their search engine, but there’s a good reason for that. For ever time I would ASK Jeevies anything, all he’d came back with was a giant list of things to buy. One time I asked him ‘how to cure cancer’ and he literally wanted to sell me cancer. What a jerk. Yer more stuffy and overrated than Gosford Park. Good riddance! Interesting in the history of AskJ? Click me

• Note to HBO: I love nipples, but PLEASE stop showing Niobe‘s EVERY week during in the ‘Previously on Rome‘ bit. And the nips in question aren’t even actress Indira Varma’s. Peep the NSFWness and decide for yoself

• Spike Lee + Ali G = one reason to watch anything NBA-related

• Someone was married to Kathy Griffin?

• I thought only Disney did direct-to-DVD crappy sequels? Although I am intrigued at the prospect of 16 Seconds, the sequel to Luke Perry’s 8 Seconds

• Best of luck to Phil Olsen, the self-appointed captain of Team USA, who’ll be gettin very hairy this weekend at The World Beard and Moustache Championships

Related: Whiskers of Note Conceal Man of Note

• Hopefully Boondock II: All Saints Day will beget Overnight II: Even More of a Jackass

• Alexa Vega, not so little and big anymore

• Tickets for the Gorillaz’ 5 night Manchester shabang a lang go on sale Monday thru UK’s Ticketbastard [via XFM]

• Free screenings galore for Domino AND The Fog

• Sri Lanka’s election chief has voted since 1963

• Top Ten Female Streakers [NSFWness via Double Vikes]

• Christian Mime Ministry [via MoH]

• And I don’t care if they are married or not, cause this is STILL one of the most uncomfortable pictures ever…

why?
cause we bid a fond
PEACE THE FORCE OUT
to
Admiral Kendal Ozzel
aka Hitler in Last Crusade
aka Michael Sheard

1940 – 2005
• While HRT the IIIrd‘s been busy dispensing grunts in Flushing Meadows, I’ve been chilly chillin with my true girly girl of summer/hummers, Charley Church. After taking 17 cold showers after lookin at the snaps from her latest vid, I had to take another 17 after I actually saw the vid [available for jiggling d-lode here]. And you think our 2nd flavorite Welsh peach, next to Catherin-Zeta-Beta-Tomata Jones, stopped the hotness there? Well along with calling Pete Drugerty a ‘w*****’ and Bob Dylan a ‘freak’, she dared to top Alba’s sweet sweet CANdy pics with a set of her own!! MEyummmmmmmmy!! And since tis been ages since I posted an animated gif since, I figured this one Justin found may be james worthy…

• Paris, je t’aime, aka 20 stories/films of love, from the city of love, aka one of the bestest assembling of directorS and actors mt EVERest.

• If Keds remade Braveheart with Mischa Barfon, it would probably look something like this

• Titles by Saul Bass

• The Catholic Church’s latest attempt at being cool. Maybe they should team up with Keds & Mischa

• The Hank Garrett Interview

• A nice, but small collection of Booger snaps

• Interesting order of results when Googling ‘museum’

• Can anyone name all those who make up Roy G Biv above? It’s not that hard, but in the meantime, go here

• Morer funnier than all of Anchorman [vid via Shady Harry’s Son]

• Streetsy

• Arcade Flyers

• Cats In Sinks

• JSF Worthless Baseball Card Collection… c’mon, one day that Lenn Sakata will be worth nillions!! [via the Mask]

• The hipster strap-on

• Fucking, Austria

• And I don’t know bout the rest of y’alls, but I was heavily saturated with nuttin but 007 these past couple o weeks, thanks to AMC, who don’t really have classics anymore, and I guess don’t always show movies that are American. And after watching both The Living Daylights and License to Kill, I’ve decided to change my long standing negative position on Timothy Dalton in a tux. Sure, he’s far from attractive (what’s up wit dat hair yo?!?), a lot bit boring, and co-starred in The Beautician and the Beast, but the dude was so forking hugo and BOSS when it was his turn to James Bond it up. We don’t even have to mention King Connery here (or one-timer George Lazenby), but Dalty brought much more weight and seriousnessness to the role than Roger Moore or Pierce Brosnan ever did. He was a darker, angrier Bond, and it worked to a tee when he was defying his orders, and even going all rouge and shit to avenge the death of his pal Felix Leiter’s wife and Felix Leiter’s missing leg that was eaten off by a shark!! Plus Daylights and Kill where also the last best Bond flicks (sorry Pierce, you surely had the look, in a Roxette kinda way, but didn’t have the scripts to back it up in your three tries… Christmas Jones, wtforkment anyone?!?@!?##!). And those Bond flicks sure gave Dalty some choice o bond chicks!! To this day, I’m still in love with Maryam d’Abo, Carey Lowell, and Talisa Soto. I should get them all together for a kinda ghetro older ladies Charlie’s Angels thingamajig.

Being gainfully unemployed sorta has its advantages. I now have more time to prepare for my three fantasy football drafts, more time to avoid cleaning my room, and somehow less time to devote to blogging (but since blogging is like the new crack and New Coke combined, I can’t stop feeding into the a dick tion). It also allows me to do things I normally can’t do, like collect money from the gov’mint instead of having them take it from me, eat only PB & J sangwhiches for a week straight, sneak into multiple movies at the greatest googleplex this side of a Muvico, and do odd jobs (and I aint talkin bout a Hawaiian henchman) in not so odd places. As for that last point, I did just that for 11 loverly days in the ever so loverly Burlington, Vermont, which sadly, I found out, is NOT the home of The Burlington Coat Factory (boo-urnidly, Jersey gets that claim to lame). The work was easy, the weather was the heezy, my hosts (Bob, The Big Bad Bossman and his even loverlier wife Turn The Paige) and co-workers (Ali and Dave) were more franztatsicshezzy than Neil Sheehy, and my time spent was sum of the most relaxed and tranquil spent timeteezy that I have spended in quite awhile, that wasn’t sleazy. So much so that I didn’t even really want to come back to NYShitty. I mean, where else do you get to pimp yoself around in a Ford F-150 pick-up truck and gaze at clouds and landscapes so darn bootyful that not even the great-froed Bob Ross could visualize anything butter, even all methed up on Vandyke brown.

Say hello to my not so little friend

Who sucks up dollars faster than I suck up Green Apple Blow Pops

And although my head was in the clouds (Mike’s family)

I wish they were between someone’s legs

The dinning was fine, but I didn’t really go for the fine dinning. Instead I greased it up at the splendiddilydehaus Al’s French Frys, slurped down some pasta sauce at Bove’s, freshened up al fresco on the blocked-off tourist friendly Church Street at Ken’s Pizza, gave my Jew seal of approval to VT bagels at GT Trono & Sons Factory, gobbled greatness at Martone’s Market, got all fishy and a bit chipper in the Tavern at Essex Inn, and ate my weight in meats (hispecially turkey wrapped in bacon) at Souza’s Churrascaria. All are muss stops if you find yerself in the hiz-area.

And what did I do to patrick pass the time besides raping my hotel’s Bidness Center (aka the internets room), cry during the last Six Feet Under, masturbate, and search for people of color? Lots, like taking in a Vermont Expos game for three chilling innings before even my Fantasy Fooball mag bored me to death, saw fourzillion flicks at 4 different theaters (big ups to Merrill’s Roxy Cinemas for playing artsier fartsier fare and to The Sunset Drive-In Theater for allowing me the great pleasure of seeing a double feature at an actual freakin drive-in for the first time since 1984, when they had one right across from Montgomery College, aka Harvard on the Pike), bowled twice (snatchurally) at Yankee Lanes, made peace with my semi-not-loving of dawgs, and strolled around one of the most unique museums I have ever visited, The Shelburne Museum (think The American History Museum mixed with Williamsburg slazzled with The Met). Yep, I pretty much did it all besides dropping by The Ben and Jerry’s and Cabot Cheese factories, lick maple syrup like I promised, smoke greens in the green state, or get laid. Oh well that ends well.

Go Pug Yourself

Grease was the word

Jake Gyllenhaal would be proud

aka banging the Candlestick Maker

Wanta Lohan that’s 89% less Lohaggish, 72.7% more insecure, and 111% now all up on my radar screen? Try Red Eyer and Diaz nanny for a day Jayma Mays on for size.

• Wanta Fanta? [beware o sound]

• While our relationship has been colder than a Siberian Kwanzaa, things have been surely heatin up in the realm of Her Royal Thighness the IIIrd. After she finally bagged that #1 ranking, she decided to grow, but unfortch, not in the mounds category, then she held a t-shirt, told someone the time, touched her shoulder, and andy capped it all off with a graffiti tagging spree. Girl, when you gotta minute, we need to talk. I promise, this time I’ll use my mouth to lash out at you and not with my borscht belt. And will someone tell her that a mic is no replacement for His Royal Shlong. [last via Spencer For Mire]

• The mockingbird has been killed died. Boooooooooooooooooo… radley/urns.

• But Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah radley to the beginning of school libraries’ slow peace the fork outtingsages

• A leather-clad Borat invades Pammy Ander’s dogs’ wedding on a giant inflatable turtle. Where the cork are the pappanazis when we need them most?!! SEE SNAPS HERE!!!

• Zzzzz zzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!

• The Daily Mirror‘s 3am is my mos flavorite destination for all dat hot jazz filled gossip from across the pond (hispecially in the key of C Church getting mad drunk and people ‘slamming’ her), but who the fork sticks are those three chicks (or birds, but not bitches) that write up this shizz and whose go fug yerself mugs adorn the letterhead? They look like an 8teenth rate group of Sugarbabes wannabees. Well apparently these girls have about as much credentials as Chuck E Cheese’s animatronic band. After a lil intersleuthing, I found out that Ms Callan is the only journalist granted entrance to Elton John’s annual Oscar party, Ms Hedley has about as much character as a character named Caroline Hedley in this book, and Ms Simpsons has less to say than Maggie Simpson. And although they are a greesome threesome, they’re at least 1/3 less duchebagish lookin than NYDN‘s Lllloyd Grove.

• Slipknot are not big fans of BK’s new Chicken Fries. I know how they feel, cause White Castle’s Chicken Rings scare the living daylights outta me.

• Cuthbest’s fiancé finally has something to do beside bang the hottiest things Canadaadda ever gave us

• Fluxie’s got a new tune off of the real FF’s new album

• The Entourage lost scenes, about as clever as… Entourage. Alldough, I will give them credit for employing Superfly Snuka

• Free passes to see That Dude From The State in major cities, and Phil Hoffman Goes Really Gay, Music Blah Blah Black Sheep, Spitting Pea Soup XII, and This Year’s Rushmore for us Jew Yorkers.

• Edward Scissorhands: The Dance Theatre Piece [via P-Bill]

• Take a tour of the Bates Motel

• Man Admits Lying About ‘Wonka’ Role On Résumé [via MoH]

• And spanks (or no thamks) to Pre-Raphaelite Shaolin, cause now I’m gonna have to scrap my artwork idea that I was going to use for my debut album that consists of nothing but Strawberry Alarm Clock covers. Originality may be dead, but corn is forever.

[via Weirdomusic]

Seriously, what the fork happened? I mean, who wouldn’t want to pimp an Atari phone in their home?

[via The Atari Museum]
• Vincent Chase would make a whorrible Aquaman

• Set snappages from Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette. Early guess review: don’t bother and juss Netflix Barry Lyndon already!! Related: Kubrick’s final film

• Meet the next group of people you’ll loaf to loathe on next season’s 24: him, her, and her. [via Dark Ho]

• Fiery Furnaces announce a bunch o early football season tour dates. They hit up NYC’s Town Hall on the 14th, in the fitting month of ROCKtober.

• Does this have a chance of being better than this? I dunno, cause the 1st one has no relation to Dakota Fanning.

• How come Electric Six released Senor Smoke in the UK this past February, yet it has yet to hit our shores? Either way, feels free to ‘preview’ it here

• Although Thighs has turned his back on MTV’s The Real World, doesn’t mean he’s turned his eyes away from any NSFWness from Austin’s Melinda

• Vote for yer flavorite cover of my mos flavorite magazine, Time Out New York . I’ll tell ya write now that mine isn’t this one of a cow or this one, which is currently in the lead, but I’m teetering tween the first issue I ever got, ‘Tasha, Meg in a cast, The A to the muther stickin G, Pee-Wee, the flick that’s in a 4 way tie for all thymes breastest in my book, and the one that will probably end up getting my vote, Superjew!

• Jessica Biel makes out with a Pringle, and yet she’s still not attractive. [via Predicure]

• Ism gets Spanish Lohag hate mail

• MIDIes galore in the key of Video Games. They won’t let me hot link to them, but here’s a bunch I blazzle dazzled all over: Blades of Steel‘s Victory, Bionic Commando‘s Level 1, Double Dragon‘s Mission 1, Excitebikes‘s Title, Final Fantasy‘s Matoya’s Cave, Goonies II‘s Cyndi LauperGood Enough stizz, Ice Hockey‘s Game, Zelda‘s Overworld, Pro Wrestling‘s Profile, RC Pro-Am’s Title, Rygar‘s Level 1, Mario‘s Starman Dance AND Doo-Dads Doo-Dads Doo-Dads jounks, Tetris A, and duhvs course, Tyson’s Punch-Out‘s BLANK Stole My Bike. [via Pakulashaker]

• Impress none of your friends with this Washington Natty’s lamp

• Pictures from within the NYC subway system [via Data Doubleya]

• Austria Museum Lets Naked People in Free

• Young Boys Wankdorf Erection Relief [SFW via Fark]

• PACERS, GREMLINS, AND MATADORS!

• Dr Zaius is a playa [b wear of sound]

• And with some newly minted free time, oddly enuff not used for blogging, I’ve been revisiting some moooovies. I gave The Village a 2nd chance, and I muss admit, my opinion has warrick dunn a complete 180. This is Shyamalandingdong at his best and probably one of the most beautiful movies of 2004. Too bad I can’t go back and change my year end Best Of list. I also gave some reloveage to Tim Burton’s Batman. While many people have hailed the new C Bale one as the Holy Toledo Batman Grail, I still stand by version 1.0. I mean can you name a better summer blockbuster since 1989? I can’t. And don’t give me any of this Star Wars or Spiderman jazz!! Burton did everything right, especially make Gotham City into a character all its own. Plus it doesn’t hurt that Billy Dee Williams was in it too. And our final trip down memory lame was devoted to the movie that everyone hates, cept for me and my monkey and his fumndacheese: A.I.. Sure it runs a lil on the long side, but where else are you going to get Senor Spielbergo channeling Stanley Kubrick? If it was the other way around, Full Metal Jacket would have ended with Private Pyle and Gunnery Sergeant Hartman hugging. And don’t sleep on my man Haley Joel Omelette!! The kid was purrrrrrrfectly cast as a robot, since he’s actually related to R.O.B., of Gyromite fame. And although he may have lost his boyhood charm, doesn’t mean the kid is down and out. Dude juss signed-on for ‘an independent coming-of-age drama’. Sounds like a snoozefest and 73/1011ths, but after all he gave us, don’t we owe him?