Thighs Wide Shut

Principal Onyx Blackman

Meg White

Honor Blackman

The White Countess

The Black Dahlia

Snow White

Shirley Temple Black

Mrs White

Claudia Black

The White Shadow

Cilla Black

Betty White

Doris Blackburn

Mary Whitehouse

RD Blackmore

Ellen G White

The Black Narcissus

The White Album

Mad Black Womensz

White Chicks

Karen Black

‘Black or White’ [d] by Jacko

There are few things I heart more than professional fooball. And since you didn’t ask, I’ll tell you what dem those few things be: fried chicken, Meg White’s bazongas, anything Stanley Kubrick, and a good ole HJ followed by an even better ole BJ. Now that we’ve established that, we can get on with our 1st pee view into the upcuming season of the NFL and some fantasy jounks to follow…

NFC East

More like NFC Best, or would NFC Beast be a better moniker? Top to bottom, the finest division, once again, in football (may rival the AL East as breastestiest divish is the werld!). Although many like the Eagles as a sleeper (they probably saw Invincible one too many times), I don’t see the Super Bowl winless Cheesesteakheads finishing anywhere butter than 3rd place. The loss of TO is huge, hispecially since his replacements are people you wouldn’t even pick in gym class. Well what about Donte’ Stallworth? More like Donte’ StallworthLESS(than Zero Mostel)!! It’ll be a dog fight betwixt the Skins, the Cowgirls, and the Giants til week 17. Since the ‘Girls get to play ‘Zona and the other two don’t, they may end up atop of the East. Despite the Skins’ lack of O (Randle El will be the QB by week 4) and my loathe of the other two, I actually like all three to make the playoffs, which almost happened last year.

NFC North

More like NFC Zzzzzzzzzz. Ever since TB got the boot from this division, it’s been more poop than Todd Van Poppel’s Score ’91 b-ball card. The Vikes are the Bears’ only competition, as the Packers and Lions are about as lame as Lane Meyer’s attempt at suicide, and that’s not really saying much. If anyone really youthinks the boys in Purple, with their pointless new jerseys (not to be confused with the pointless state of New Jersey) and whorrible mustiachioed coach, can win more than 8 games, I think you should tattoo Zygi Wilf on yer grundle. And Bearskis, even though yer a lock for the #2 spot in the NFC, don’t waste yer time drummin up another Super Bowl Shuffle, although I’d love to see a remake of the Grabowski… whatever the fork that was

NFC South

More like NFC ralph, er, um, whatever. The South, like Jimmy Hart‘s mouth, will no doubt make a bunch of noise this season, as they are undizzley the 2nd breastest division in the NFC. We’d all love to see Reggie Bush turn the ‘aints back into the Saints, but that’s probably a year or two away from happening. Vick blows goats and I don’t really trust Chris Simms’ ability as a starting QB either. I mean the dude looks like a Jake Busey clone gone bad and the only thing JB is good for is dental hygiene and destroying the Tom Skerritt space transporter in Contact. So that leaves the no-brainerness of the Panthers. He Hate Me or not, there’s a lot to love about their chances this year.

NFC West

More like NFC meh. I don’t care what moves ‘Zona made this offseason, they’re still the Cardinals and they still stink wurster than Pigpen licking microwaved tunafish off of Yancey Thigpen‘s monobrow. I’m hactually sirprized the NFL decided to let the Cards and the 49ers play any of their games in the US this year. They both should have been left in Mexico with Ron, even if the ‘fans’ have no clue what’s going on, they’d at least have some sort of support. The Rams, who really should be the Cardinals, are a mess, so the division is the Seacocks’ to lose. And if I still had my virginity, I wish it could be lost on any of the Sea Gals!

Seeds:
#1 Seahawks
#2 Bears
#3 Panthers
#4 Cowboys
#5 Redskins
#6 Giants

NFC Champs: Seahawks

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Me loves: Edgerrin James, Terry Glenn, Chris Cooley, Neil Rackers, Jason Witten, the Seahawks D, Roddy White, Joe Horn, and of all people Keyshawn Johnson

Me hates: anyone on Detroit, the Redskins’ O, Kurt Warner, Vick, any RBBC (Running Back By Comittee) situtation, the Bears’ and the Bucs’ WRs, LJ Smith, and Mike Vanderjagt

Don’t sleep on these sleepers: Mike Nugent, Greg Jennings, Joe Klopfenstein, Brad Johnson, Samkon Gado & Marion Barber (both Green and Jones will go down), the Vikings’ D, and Woody Allen’s Sleeper

pee es – since Kornheiser writes for the Post about once every 13 leap years, the funniest person on staff has gots to be Dan Steinberg (of ‘Starting Lineup‘ fame). Well, dude’s gotsa blog now, and tits gonna be mad hotttttt, so best to keep an eye and a thigh on that shaz!

I didn’t watch one minute of the thang (I was too busy braiding yer mum’s pubic hair in the public bathroom at Publix), and why would I? I mean, The It-Man went home empty handed, and that dude deserves so much more anywayz than a pointless industry accolade, like actually serving as our real commander in chief. And I got all dick teased when I found out that Jenna Fischer was going to kick the f%ck out of me as opposed to licking the f$ck out of me!

Mo images of Ms Beesley, other hotties, and a bit of ye ole nip slippery can be found on the Tastic

Lily Allen totally wants to munch on Mark Ronson’s choda

‘curvy’s when you’ve got a bit of weight all over, instead of having heavy tits‘. Girls, can’t we all juss get along share a bath?

Ricky G, MS-DOS shill

it’s about Time, but they need to get a Life cause they didn’t contact yers drooly, who’s almost cooler than LL Cool Bean

props to Sam Champion, Gay Morning America’s newest man of weather

NFL Network & Time Warner, stop sucking yer own caks and start sucking mine. If you don’t wanna do that, then forkin give each other some HJs and give me the damn NFL Network already!!!

see, it’s not so hard to be Jackson Pollock

see, you’d be hard too like Jackson Pollack if you got to bang Jennifer Connelly in yer own biopic, or if you happen to be watching her purrrrrfect ya–yas hang out in Mulholland Falls [NSFW]

Zeptember 12th can’t come soon enuff

Zeptember 17th aint too shabby either. If I can’t peep Meg White in the flesh this year, I guess her animated boobies will have to make do

Why DVD would fail, circa 1996. Dude boviously never saw the neverending potential of the A-B repeat button in the realm of JOing [Wolffbrother]

cartoon skeletal systems

The Generator Blog

Opening Shots

Arcade At The Movies, snatchurally including Maximilian Largo’s casino filled with nuttin but Centipede

Who invented the cocktail umbrella & and why?

related: I was a designated driver at Guns n’ Rosenthal’s wedding last nite and had a Shirley Temple for the first time in maybe 15 years. Either they aren’t as good as I remember or the bartender can’t make em for shit. (btw, that’s the real reason I didn’t catch the Emmys, although I was able to braid yer mum’s p-hair when I returned to NYC at 2:30am EST)

YTMND: N$gga Stole Pee Wee’s Bike

and although these are not my hot wheels, I sure would pimp them if they were. Hell, I’d even eat shrimp on em!

[hat tip to to De Horny Toad for the snapple!]

Yeah, the rest of the brills M Gondry vid [QT | WM]
[hotness via The Gum]