Thighs Wide Shut

Epic Movie
An Epic Waste of Time
Trailers & Mo

After takin in weeks and weeks of the opposite of weak fare leading up to the Globes and the AA nominations, yours Thighly decided it was time to see something fluffy and mind numbing, and perhaps even entertaining. Well, after peepin about 30 seconds of Epic Movie I was willing to trade in the escapism of a movie theater for escaping from the movie theater! YIIIIIIIIKES!! So for the first movie that I see from the ‘007 I’m all ready to declare it the wurstest of year! It’ll be purty hard to beat, but then again a release date hasn’t been set for Keenen Ivory Wayans’ The Munsters, so lettuce not declare any winners losers juss yet

Sure, I’m the toughest of tough cookies when it comes to comedies (tits a no-brainer that Blades of Glory is gonna be a hannah-shit-storm), but ya gotta truss me on this one that only the parents of the filmmakers are gonna find this funny. After one early Doritos joke that made me chuckle alound, I decided to keep count of the laffs. 1 hour and 20 some odd minutes later, the finger count remained the same!! The jokes were lamer than lamerer. They’re so dated that in 5 years, no one will even understand what they’re even pokin fun at

There were only five thangs that I got outta this, and none of them had to do with laffing:

1) Darrell Hammond’s pirating of Cpt Jack Sparrow has got to rank among his bestest imitations

2) the sandra oh so adorable Jayma Mays‘ first lead role is a complete waste of her talents. Not so much her fault, unless of course she read the script before filming began, but they basically turned her into an unfunny redheaded version of Anna Faris. Oddly enuff, the two will be in Gregg Araki’s follow-up to his uber-brills Myserious Skin [TWS.org’s mini-review], Smiley Face

3) Christopher Guest regulars Jennifer Coolidge, Fred Willard & Jim Piddock are about as pathetic in this poo-fest as they were in For Your Consideration [TWS’s poo-review]. Go figure

4) Kal Penn is the Indian Samuel L Jackson. He never turns down a movie. Lettuce hope The Namesake [trailer] will redeem all

& frynally

5) Biggest missed-casting in recent memory (notice I didn’t spray ‘miscasting’): letting the usual money bags mcgee Johnny Depp ruin the legend of Willy Wonka, when Crispin Glover would been a wiser choice for the Tim Burton remake. See pic above for what geniusnessness that mighttta been

Unsatisfied with this?: yeah, dumb sure you were, so Netflix one of the more LOL stoopid slapstick flicks of recent memory, Scary Movie 4 [Trailer|TWS.org Review]… no, seriously, you should

Possible Porno Name: Epic Sploogie

Apt MPupil3: how bout something on Epic Records… like anything by Peter Gallagher [tunes on hispace]

IMDb Sweeney: Is Groovy the new Alan Smithee?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…•

by the looks of it, her Current Royal Thighness may be headed to Hagville, where our first HRT, Lohag, rules the school

song dat currently makin me the opposite of sober? The Shirley Bassey-e sassy-e Amy Winehouse’s ‘Rehab’ [d|vid]

go ahead, I dare you to send Andy Rooney your crap

while the Wii is slowly rollin out the oldies thru their virtual console dazzle (with some Commodore 64 titles comin in the future!), you can buy this thang and say g-bye to blowing your cartridges

Luscious Jackson’s Jill Cunniff goes solo. This news would be shocking if Luscious Jackson were still a band or if Jill Cuniff was riding my face like the Belmont Stakes. By the gay, her first LJ side-project, Kostars, is near and dear to my farts

Hootie & The Blowfishburger [Made of Brawn-steeeen]

Can you breastfeed if you have implants?

Can playing with a Slinky change the channels on your TV set?

Google’s patent search, although not endorsed by my father and brother, both patent laywers

OhMiBod [Girlhattan]

fess up, which one of you were searchin for ‘my sweet tits breasts anus naked butt thighs nude vagina hot camel toe poon tang clan heroes in a half shell‘

Wisconsin Man Runs Over, Eats Seven-Legged Transgendered Deer [Cruisespanko]

and the movie to beat for ’08’s Oscars? No, not Harry Pots 5 [trailer] or even Buy Apple or Die Hard [trailer], but the flick with a flying dog that’s got more Air than Bud, Underdog [Pakula Shaker]!

Bobby
The Pursuit of Sappyness
Trailer

Bobby is director/actor/Charlie Sheen’s brother Emilio Estevez’ love song to Robert F Kennedy and the turbulent era that he was the new voice of. More importantly, it reunites The Mighty Ducks‘ coach with his star player Charlie Conway, aka Pacey, aka Josh Jackson. While I golf clap EE’s earnest attempt at creating a Robert Altmanesque bazillion character crossover joint, taking place at LA’s Ambassador Hotel on June 6th, 1968, the date of RFK’s assassination, this joint will only light the hearts of anyone who’s 45 years or older.

The main problem that I had with the film is that I couldn’t care less than two shits (maybe even one) about said bazillion characters roaming around the hotel, talking about The Graduate, Warhol’s soup cans, and even tripping on acid with Ashton Krunchyner. If you name yer film Bobby, then there should be nothing but. Maybe I’m juss spoiled after takin in the bestness that was JFK, Nixon, and sure, why not, Dick. Luckily the brothers Weinstein forced a lot o archival footage of RFK into the film cause had they not, this woulda been a bigger cheesefest and disaster than last summer’s Poseidon [TWS.org’s review]. The other issue I have with this flick is how do you cast the NSFW goodlyness of Sharon Stone, Demi Moore, Heather Graham, Helen Hunt, Svetlana Metkina, Joy Bryant, and Her Former Royal Thighness Lohag, and the only nudity we get is Shia Where’stheLeBeouf‘s arse cheeks?

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix The Assassination of Richard Nixon [TWS.org review | trailer & mo]

Possible Porno Name: the Spanish classic Bob y Kneel

IMDb Sweeney: in the ’74 TV movie The Missiles of October, Martin Sheen portrayed RFK to William Devane’s JFK, even though Devane looks more like Bobby, but Sheen nine years later got his due and portrayed Jack in the ’83 miniseries Kennedy, but nothing tops David Kobzantsev, who has now stepped into the shoes of assassin Sirhan Sirhan TWICE!

1nce Bitten, 4eva Smitten: with future sex-kitten Mary Elizabeth Winstead

Apt MPupil3: ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy‘ [d] by BOBBY McFerrin

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

until next thyme, the balcony is clothed…

Peace The Fork Out
to
the guy who’s final pretentious movie
starred Lindsay Lohag
for cryin out loud
Robert Bernard Altman

1925 – 2006

• my personal fav The Long Goodbye
• the greatestist casting of balls thyme: Shelley Duvall as Olive Oyl in his Popeye
• a slightly NSFW oddly fapolicous Cynthia Stevenson in The Player
• as an ‘actor’ slingin drinks in Franco Zeffirelli’s Endless Love
• his NORML activites, as a member of their advisory board
&
• Ini Kamoze’s ‘Here Comes The Hotstepper’ [d|vid] from PrêtShit-à-Porter

+ much hugs and misses to Andre ‘Dirty’ Waters & Bo ‘Peep’ Schembechler