Thighs Wide Shut

– Who got 120K visitors to their site yesterday? No, not yer beloved Master o’ Thighs, but some shmuck-bag claiming to be Andy Kaufman. And if yer an idiot who really bee leaves that he’s alive or wastes even one minute czeching out his site, guess what, it’s all an f-in hoax. I have to come clean, yer humble The Thigh Master is none other than Rasputin. I survived the cyanide poisoning, getting shot 3 times, and being thrown into a river, just so I could tell you how hot Lindsay Lohan is!! [Link via Zach de la Roachclip and Jay Manhandler]

– Which celebrity will give birth to the next Apple, Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf (as in Jason) Lee, or Audio Science (as in Shannon) Sossamon? Only one place to find out, The Celebrity Baby Blog. [Link via Seeking Irony via Gothamist]

– Remember that 30 second version of The Exorcist starring bunnies? Well, herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre’s Johnny, bunny style. [Link via Popbitch]

– In space, no one can hear you poop, but NASA will recycle it for you!! Did you know that shit can be recycled and provide pure drinking water, fertilizer, and get this, electricity? At this very moment, astronaut applications are being torn up all over America. Where’s cosmonaut Lance Bass when you need him? [Link via P Diddy Robbins]

– What will be the least downloaded album of all time? The David Hasselhoff hip-hop project, produced by OG Ice-T, tentatively entitled, Hassle The Hoff. Phew, yer MC name is safe for now El Hofbergo!! [Link via My Man Marvkus]

– The Office, is getting hosed by the Emmys. Who f-in cares, we all know it’s the breast show on television anywayz. But the real news is that the two specials produced for Christmas in the UK will be turned into a one-off American TV movie special. Details when available. [Link via Dicky Greenleaf]

– Recognize this uber fat guy from Varsity Blues and other movies where he played a fat guy:

– Omarosaâ„¢?

– Finally, from the “Inventions More Important Than Electricity” department:

Dial An Orgasm!!

[Gawd bless you Ambient Cruise-spanko

for this s’wonderful link]

1. Troy $46.8 million (New) – For honor. For victory. For love. For destiny. For passion. For Troy. Fo shizzle. For Pete’s f-in sake, enuff already, just go on and read our review. With mad props to and from Mr. Panty Raider!!!

2. Van Helsing – $20.7 million ($85 million) – Americans love crap. They really do! Why else do you think Friends lasted as long as it did? And its obvs to my bovs that nobody peeped our scathing review of Van Helsucks. 85 million? How could you all let this happen? Wouldn’t you rather see a documentary all about inverted nipples? I would.

3. Mean Girls– $10.1 million ($55.4 million) – This will probably be the first movie since City of God that I will see twice in the theater. That’s not a threat, but a promise. Who’s with me? But yer pants must stay around yer ankles for the entire film. Our review be here or be square.

4. Man On Fire – $5.1 million ($64.1 million) – Dakota Fanning turns 18 in 2015. Let the dirty old man counters begin. F-in YUCK!!!!!

5. Breakin’ All the Rules – $5 million (New) – We the Master o’ Thighs, in order to form a more perfect union with Gabrielle Union, must eggcept the fact that Ms Hotness stars in whore-able movies.

6. 13 Going 30 – $4.1 million ($48.5 million) – If for some strange reason all the planets aligned, Lindsay Lohan’s boobs turned out to be fakes, tacos became our national flower, and Andy Serkis got nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his work in the poopfest instead of LOTR: The Two Towers, I’d seriously consider shaving off all me grundle hair and gluing it to my face.

7. New York Minute – $3.8 million ($10.7 million) – Last week we briefly touched on Jodie “Sweet-Ass” Sweetin and Candace “Candy-Ass” Cameron. This week, we actually did a lil sleuthing and found out that Jodes is an uber-hottie, while Candace is still Kirk’s sister AND is married to Pavel Bure’s bro, Valeri. Next yer gonna tell me that Winnie Cooper was a math genius and now as a more budding acting career than Kevin Arnold!!

8. Laws of Attraction – $2 million ($15.3 million) – If Julianne Moore and me made babies together, they would probably look something like this (Beware people with weak stomachs).

9. Kill Bill: Volume 2 – $1.6 million ($60.8 million) – Why is Jackie Brown the most boringiest movie ever and this movie aint?

10. Envy – $1 million ($11.8 million) – Neftlix The Ben Stiller Show instead… and be sure to skip all the Skank the sock puppet bits.

– Searching for the ultimate LL boob pic? Search no further and click me now. As to the authenticity of the photo, Da Fake Detective (fake-detective.com) was quoted on el f.u.b.a.r., “If it’s a fake, I can see no true signs of fakery.” Case closed. Now we just have to find out if dem babies is real!

– The Siren Festival just got a lil louder. And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead, Mission Of Burma, Electric Six, Vue, and The Thermals have been added to the already stellar line-up. See you on the Boardwalk… juss stay away from me and my Nathan’s corn dog farts. [Buzz right back at cha ProductChopNyc]

– Havana, Rio de Janeiro, Istanbul, and Leipzig have all been eliminated as Summer Olympic 2012 candidates. Like any of them had a friggin chance against the five final heartbeats: Paris, New York, Moscow, London, and Madrid. Note to IOC: please don’t bring the Olympics to our already smelly/busy/crazy/beautiful city. Unless hot dog eating becomes an event.

– Texas has the finest instruments and education… a student dares another student into drinking chemicals. I wonder what would have happened if he just choose the “Physical Challenge“?

– Willie Hung hung high above the Backstreet Boys, Lenny “Un-Original” Kravitz, and many others as the Wango Tango On-Air Festival headliner. Seriously, when’s this joke going to end? He’s already surpassed his 15 minutes of fame by about 30 minutes!

– Finally, my father, Thigh Master The I, is the f-in man. Not only does he rock the beard like no other, but he always gives back to the community.

And besides being named coach of the year and being 1/2 pregnant, 1/8 lesbian, t.A.T.u. are going to star in their own cartoon movie! It’s being co-produced by Japan and Russian and will be released overseas this November. This toon is going to be hottest thing on the silver screen since Kathy Bates got nekkid in About Schmidt. I’ve seen a lot of messed up stuff in my life since working at an animated porn factory, but there were two things I always longed to see: Jessica Rabbit naked [nudity, duh] and the dykenamic duo from t.A.T.u. get animated and then… get animated, if ya know what I mean. Gawd I’m one semi-old dirty bastard. Good thing I don’t believe in Hell!

Not fluent in French Fries? Then maybe yer dumb like me (and these people) and didn’t know that RSVP stood for Repondez, s’il vous plait or Revolutionary Surrealist Vandal Party.

I dabble a little bit with EA’s FIFA Soccer 2004, but other than that I’m no longer a video game junkhead for the first time in my life (I was born with Atari’s Combat in my blood). That all may all change once Nintendo’s new handheld drops. This thang gots two screens, touch-screen input, voice recognition, and wireless communication. I bet this thang is 76 times more powerful than one of those Commodore PET Computers they stuck us with in kindergarten.

Coolest ping pong you ever did see here (Windows Media)! [Link via Hot Tuna Heltz]

If you were on death row, what would your final meal be? Mom take note cause I’ve had naughty thoughts about an almost 18 year-old and may go away for a few years: My final eatsings would be a 5 biscuits from Popeye’s, a pecan waffle from Waffle House, bacon, Tangy Taffy, 12 funnel cakes, 2 frozen chocolate covered bananas, a Steak & Shake vanilla milkshake, and one Super Big Gulp of Cherry Coke to wash down that heart attack. Anywho, here’s a site chronicling the last suppers of dead men walking. [Link via Warner Sisters]

Speaking of almost 18 year-old future wives, I should just rename my site Thighs Wide Grambo cause the King of all Media beat me to the Lohan punch once again!! Doesn’t mean I aint going to post the breastest magazine cover ever since last month’s issue of Juggs.

The Cover was supposed to read:

Why is Lindsay Lohan falling

in love with the Thigh Master?

He’s slowing becoming as Lohan obsessed as I!!

And here’s the bra-less pictures to prove it:

And yep, Chris “Boring” Martin and Gwynnie “Pouty” Paltrow really did name their baby girl Apple. By the time the lil lady is ripe/18, I’ll be 44, so I won’t be taking a bite out of that Apple!! At least her name isn’t as bad as the one some Swedish couple dubbed their son, Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbbllll6, (pronounced Albin)!!

And in other odd news, Larry Wachowski, probably all m-bare-assed by the last two awfulistic Matrix flicks, is all set to become Linda Wachowski… no, seriously!! Thanks to the Kid for the heads-up. Thigh Master OUT!!!!!!!