Thighs Wide Shut

– My man Tony Kornhesier, aka TK Stack Money, is pretty jazzed about the CBS fall sitcom based on his Washington Post articles called Listen Up. I am too, cause they got Jason Alexander to play him and get this, Maclom-Jamal Warner to play Wilbon. TK sez, “I knew the toughest part of casting the role would be finding somebody as hot looking as I am.” It’s safe to say that this will be more funnieriest than the Friends spin-off Joey.

– Guess who has dethroned Waffle House as the king of waffles? John Kerry. Type “waffles” into Google and see for yourself. How is this possible? Read here.

– The dude who made that umcredible faux Hobbit trailer is at it again. This time around he created a teaser for Star Wars: Episode III utilizing parts of Natalie Portman’s pregnancy scenes from Where the Heart Is.

– The Empire Polo Club, home to the greatest American concert: Coachella, wants to stage a similar event, but for country music. I guess in the dance tent they could have that technoesque version of “Cotton Eyed Joe” by Rednex play all day long.

– According to my favorite periodical, WebIndia123.com, Lindsay Lohan was a real mean girl in her high school days. But can you fault an uber-hottie who just wants to hang out with the “cool people”? Me thinks snot.

– Finally, I’ll post a full report of my Merryland weekend getaway (mainly eating and watching stuff) as soon as I can understand why anyone would have cicada envy…

– All dough my a$$ is Amtraking back to Merryland this weekend, I’ll still be able to blog like crazy since my rents have dat high-speed internet jonks. Also, I have to give you all a full report of my ye olde stomping grounds Rockville’s annual Hometown Holidays celebration, which in years past have included such washed-up acts as Kool & The Gang, Three Dog Night, and Martha Reeves & Vandellas. This year’s soiree features recent has-beens the Gin Blossoms AND Live!! I also plan to head to the rainbow/family friendly confines of Rehoboth Beach, Delaware (yes, the state does actually eggsist Joel Sonkin!!) for some infamous Nic-O-Bolis. Enuff about me and more about random crap.

– What’s the breast way to support our troops? Buy an Abu Ghraib tee! [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

– After hearing hubby’s ode to baby Apple, “Nappies”, one too many times, looks like Gwenyie is all ready to get back to work. Next assignment: a Marlene Dietrich biopic

– Need to waste a few minutes? Play this Abba to Zappa music game. Or go here for some “eye catching” fun. [Link via Popbitch]

– Two things in the land of gross. #1 – Ever wanted to see Pink take a pee pee? Now you can! And jonesing to see a ton o’ man tits (that aren’t mine)? Now you can! [Links also via Popbitch. Peeps, sign up for their newsletter already!!]

– Larry Harmon is a bozo, not the creator of Bozo the Clown.

– One more reason to not live in Bangladesh: it took the post office almost three years to deliver a letter just 30 miles away. Gawd bless America and our broom stick in the ass politics.

– I love spam about enlarging my penis and lowering my mortgage rates, but I’d never join this Spam fan club.

– No questions asked, just click me and turn up the f-in volume. [Link via Posh & Becker]

– On the Lohangate front, daddy Michael took a break from beating his in-laws, but hasn’t yet paid back a loan he took out on their Long Island house to start a production company. They may end up losing the house, but I’m sure LL can buy them a new one. And speaking of Ms Hotness, word on the street is that Luscious Lohan and That’70s Show’s Wilmer Valderrama have been canoodling on both coasts. Is that ho-bag cheating on me again?? Well, LL claims that Wilmer is “just my friend”, which was backed up by his rep. Anywho, I’m starting to dig her new hair color. I’d bang her even if she was covered with spiders and microwaved tuna fish. [Link via my gal Vega$ and gossip via Flea’s ho-bag]

OK, this pictorial is months overdue, but butter late than margarine, eh? Remember this douche bag?

[Props de leon to Elisia for the pic!]

– After sending a suicidal email to loved ones and then pulling a DB Cooperesque disappearance, Helen DeWitt, author of the novel The Last Samurai, was found in good working condition. Ya know, if I wrote that book and it was turned into an uber-boring movie starring Tom Cruise, I’d contemplate ending it all too!

– Word on the street is that DC blogging ho bags Wonkette and Washingtonienne Jessica Cutler are going to pose for Playboy. If that shiz happens, it’ll be the lowest selling issue evs and I’ll cut off my penis.

– Sometimes the internet can be a bad thing. Eggsample, Ogre Porn. [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Sick of that ugly mug you got attached to yer neck? Now you can be as cool as John Travolta and Nic Cage and get that Face/Off . [Link via Tim “Fucker” Altie]

– Tell me you heard about shark-toothed Jewel’s performance that even Comic Book Guy would have declared the worst concert ever. As soon as she came out to perform she began to insult the audience, from poking fun at fat people to others with no teeth. Like she’s one to talk. Her chompers are nastier than microwaved tuna covered with urine from a NYC subway bum. And at one point, she told everyone to stop looking at her teeth and look at her breasts. Eeesh, that surely sounds like the worst concert since what dearest Uncle Grambs dubbed a “back alley abortion of a performance put on by Beck @ Coachella.” Hey Jewel, time to go back to Alaska and open cans with those pearly yellows of yers.

– Finally, we get the real scoop on this whole Lohangate scandal from one of the men involved, Lindsay’s pa Michael “Gawd Bless Your Sperm” Lohan. Apparently his brother-in-law was having a little too much fun after LL’s lil bro Cody’s First Communion and had to be beaten with Mike Lohan’s shoe!! My guess is that the altercation stemmed from the brother-in-law dude making lewd comments about LL’s bazoombas and the fun-awfulness that is Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. And speaking of Lohan and thighs wide open, czech out this hot photo. [Link via Mizz Modern Rage]

– Would you bee leave for a second that a clown named Spanky could be capable of child pornography? Shame on you Spanky!! I told you to stop hanging out with Pee-Wee Herman and Jeffery Jones! [Link via Flea]

– Who’s Cocoa Pete? Who cocoa cares.

– Carvel Ice Cream turned 70 and to celebrate, they wents out and broketh the Guinnessâ„¢ Record for

the world’s largest birthday cake. Nothing this cool has been attempted since Uncle Buck made those mammoth pancakes. Maybe for their 100th b-day they’ll break their own world record and bake the world’s largest Fudgie the Whale.

– I didn’t really think about enlarging my shlong until I received this piece of spam 4 TIMES TODAY:

This is f-in horrrrrrrrrible,

but I had to share it with you, my peeps



[Damn you Tim “Fucker” Altie!]