Thighs Wide Shut

– The most fair and balanced periodical in the world, The National Enquirer, dubbed Her Royal Thighness HOLLYWOOD’S BIGGEST BRAT (I guess Benjamin Bratt didn’t qualify). We all know she’s a bit too much to handle when she’s on the drink, but did you know she’s really a mean girl with no love for her friends or fans? She told pal Tara Reid, “You’re a has-been! You’re so over it’s not even funny!” Well, that may be an awful thing to say, but it’s not like she’s lying! And Lohanski even alienated other gal pal Mischa Barfon by saying such smack like, “Mischa’s TV and I’m movies. Everyone knows I’m the bigger star.” Ahhhh snap! Word has it from the Nash Enq that LL Cool Bean also “made two kindergarten-age girls cry when they tried to approach her in a restaurant…. telling the waitress to keep them away from her table.” I guess when VH1 does their next Divas special, they know who to call. Yoooooooooowzer!!

– According to the press secretary for the Embassy of Kazakhstan, Borat doesn’t know a thing about his home country. You mean to tell me that women aren’t kept in cages? The national sport isn’t shoot dog? And their isn’t a movie called Dirty Jew? Damn, a day ago, I actually wanted to visit that country. So I guess they don’t have problem with transport neither. [via Ism de Lindsay]

– Did a plane really fly into the Pentagon on 9/11 or was it something else? I never even thought about it until I saw this. Or is that just some conspiracy nonsense. Snopes seems to think so. [via BronxRose]

– On November 2nd, please vote and then have sex. [via MC Kan’t Make It Up]

– Synthetic urine is all the rage these days. So is Kama Sutra in the classroom. [via Made of Brawnstein]

– William Shatner may have just won an Emmy, but he’s still a has been, according to the title of his latest album (give some listenage to his umcredible cover of Pulp’s ‘Common People’ if you haven’t already done so).

– I’ll bet you a zillion billion dollars that Tony Danza’s character on his new show is also named Tony.

– Yuri In Cab. Ali G rip-off or second-rate Ill Mitch? Either way, WTF? [via Shady Acres’ Son]

– I love Travis, but they make some of the lamestist videos. Their new one is no eggception.

– John Waters’ latest, A Dirty Shame, has its own blog. And with Remy Yorkish at the wheel, it’s guaranteed not to be awful, unlike Zach Braff’s blizog.

– Neue Yawkers, click here for a free screening of Alec Baldwin’s latest.

– I never wanted to see Tracey Gold look so sad.

– I dream of Lohan or is it I Dream of Knightly? I have a grand idea, throw away that script, sign up Elisha Cuthbert, and make them a lesbian Charlie’s Angels. You can have them fighting in pudding, car washes, and uber-huge glasses of champagne. Anywho, Lohan’s got a brand new single. It’s called ‘Rumors’ and you can here it hear (Real Media link via Stereogum).

– The Office 2-hour Special finally debuts stateside only on BBC America, October 21st. Czech out what genius Ricky Gervais has to say about it.

– Batman: Year 32.

– Guess who doesn’t make money? Yep, bloggers. I’m so sick of reading these kind of stories.

– Got $2,950.00 + Tax to burn? Book a flight on Zero-G.

– Norman Chad, aka the Couch Slouch, takes on USA Today and their list of thangs to change in sports. I’m in favor of Slouch’s #6: Pay college athletes not to come to campus during school week, thus freeing up the better-looking women for the rest of us.

– Playgirl names Andy Rooney the 5th sexist sexiest male newscaster. His eyebrows were rated third best in the world by TWS. Right behind Martin Scorsese and NY1’s own George Whipple da III.

– You may have seen this before, but tits always worth a 2nd or 18th viewing. [via Jon Juan de Kur]

– Think Clint Howard is scary looking? You boviously haven’t seen this pic.

– Ashton Kutcher’s Restaurant Burglarized. Big whoop-d-do!!!

– Peppers, Vedder, and Rollins rock in honor of The Ramones. Next up: The Strokes & Blondie.

– And frinally, I need me time machine so I could have gone to see a screening of Tron with that dude in the male-camel toe Tron costume. Double dang!!! [via GoldenFiznizzle]

– Although I’ve heard it’s an absolute disappointment, me is still hexcited to czech out Sacha Baron Cohen do his thing in the 2002 flick Ali G Indahouse, which makes its US DVD debut on November 2nd (what a great b-day present that would make for the Thigh Master). The movie co-stars new Dumbledore Michael Gambon and Tim from The Office. We’ll also finally get to see what his mate Ricky C and his girl Me Julie really look like. Peep the teaser trailer here.

– The fine folks over at Use My Computer have some of the mos umcrediblelicious Lohan pics me has seen in months! She’s not even uber-tanned/Oompa Loompafied in any of them.

– The Archdukes claimed the Mercury Prize. That was probably the safest bet since the cancellation of The Mullets.

– White Stripes NOT to split. Meg White, time to withdrawal that application from Arby’s and get back to banging dem drums and floppin’ dem boobies.

– Defamer deconstructs the Jersey Girl DVD box art.

– That Bastard, who be so Magnificent has uncovered the true lost brother of John Kerry: Count Chocula (see last pic in 4th row)

– A lot has changed since I was a senior in High School. Peep this fab collection of senior photos. [via Posh n Beckers]

– Rappers, hip-hoppers, and flip-floppers will have to pay for every sample used. Who said that originality was dead?

– Sure Iran, sure.

– Tear For Fears are going to re-attempt to “Rule The World”. What, the Gary Jules “Mad World” royalties not paying the bills?

– Man shoots himself while demonstrating gun safety. Oh how I miss my days in Bloomington.

– Catster, it’s like Friendster, but even more lame.

– Neue Yawkers, two free flicks for ewes: Shaun of the Dead & What The Bleep Do We Know!?.

– A European scientist wants to create a DNA library on the moon just in case something bad happens to Earth. Lets send Lohan’s DNA there first so future generations of Thigh Masters can enjoy her… thighs.

– These be some purty pictures.

– I know you want to own The Holy Grail & Jabba’s bizatch Salacious Crumb (child not included). [via Navi]

– This has gots to be the longest review of Zardoz ever. [via Newbsy Russell]

– Guess which NFL team makes the most cash? Yep, the greatistist organization on the planet, The Washington Redskins. [via Senor Gombiergas]

– Play Mary-Kate Olsen’s Crack-Man at yer own risk.

– German Caught Having Sex With Doll. Thankfully it wasn’t with Kid Sister or My Buddy. [via Made of Brawn-stein]

Real World turns 15 and to celebrate, it’s now 300% more gayer than ever. Sure, there’s only two guys who are out of the closet (Willie & Karamo) from the get go, but the remaining two males (MJ & Landon, who could both easily play Christopher Atkins in a Blue Lagoon remake) are early trung candidates for heteroflexibility. But who really cares when the real stars of the show are Sarah and the 8th roommate, the lovely and very talented… Sarah’s bosomy, busty, buxom, curvaceous, and voluptuouslicious breastszs. And as the BlogFather might say, bovs to those effin tees, even if they’re fake plastic tees… I smell a Radiohead song in there somewhere. Call the country club cause we need some tees timeages.

A Poor Richard’s Almanac version of Lohan