Thighs Wide Shut

– Unconfirmed reports say that Lohan may have eaten breakfast this morning.

– Why is there an IHOP on Mannyhattan and NOT one Waffle House? I’m tellin ya, I’m gonna find an investor and we’re going to open one in Times Square and make 7 ga-zillion billion dollars. [via Made of Brawnsteeen]

– Rosa Parks is old and losing it and may not be able to testify in her case vs OutKast’s record company BMG. However, HeyYa Johnson, Aintathang Buttachickenwing Edwards, and Spread Forme Jenkins may be called to the stand.

– Can anyone peas eggsplain to me why National Museum of the American Indian isn’t the National Museum of the Native Americans?

– I’ll review Open Water berry soon, but in the mean time, czech out the true story that inspired it.

– That uber-scrum-deli-umptious blondie from the last Bond movie, Rosamund Pike, has just signed on for the Doom movie, which stars De Rock and that dude from LOTR: Two Towers with the crazy-arsed helmet.

– Fun and freedom of speech has officially ended at the Uni of Merryland. “Rock and Roll, Part II” has not only been banned from Terps football games, but now basketball games. Maybe if Duke didn’t suck so much kak in the 1st place, this wouldn’t even be an issue. [via and all a-polly-gees to Navi the Blue Devil Dog]

– Pitney Bowes is auctioning off autographed envelopes. The person who bidded on Ryan Seacrest’s should be flogged in a public square.

– The Shawshank Redemption breast film to not win Breast Picture? Uh, hello, Citizen Kane (or perhaps Coz’ pre-Peabs work in Ghost Dad)?

– Warner Brudders delays the release of Ollie Stone’s Alexander, claiming it’ll help their chances with Mr Oscar. I dunno bout you, but after seeing the trailer, they should start preparing Razzie speeches.

– Cybill Shepherd is gearing up to play Don King. Leslie Shepherd could not be reached for comment.

– Love Ohio State and need a sweater? Bid on this phatty sweater.

– Be the first on yer block to visit MoMA: Revenge of the Sith.

– Do you have a NFL stadium fetish? Click here.

– Eminem M&Ms to fight breast cancer.

– Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger got em self a website. And thanks gawd the url aint benroethlisberger.com. Cause who would ever remember how to spell that sheetz?

– Dumbestist thing of the week. [via Zach de la Roachclipper]

– Plastered outta yer mind on St Ides? Don’t drive a car, ride a horse!

– Go to CVS, buy a stomach and save 4 whole dollars!!

– Peace the fork out to Russ Meyer. You gotta love a man who was more obsessed with boobs than me!! I mean his first feature was called The Immoral Mr. Teas for crying out loud. Bovs.

– FUGEES REUNITE (!!!!) at Chappelle’s Block Party!!! Pras can now finally pay his electric bill.

– Cat Stevens Yusuf Islam banned from the US. Probably cause he hasn’t had a decent album since the 70s. [via Navi]

– Barbara Walters bids adieu to John Stossel and his mustache this Friday on 20/20. And bless the men in suits who OKayed this muy bonita chica as her replacement! I wanna run my dedos thru her pelo all noche long.

– Baseball may be coming back to DC! Get a life or a real city Northern Virginia.

– Preview the new R.E.M. album [via ProductShoppeeNYSea]

– Flavor Flav is making it safe once again to wear Viking helmets.

– I wonder what the reserve price was for Mother Nature’s Undercarriage? [via Zach de la Roachclip]

– The mostest flamboyant (read: flaming dr poophole) man ever that also happens to look like Emo Phillips and happens to make fairy costumes can be found here. He makes the Tron Guy look like Jude Law. [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

– There’s a pre-sale for The Used show at Roseland tomorrow at 10am. The password is ‘memories’

– George Bush covers ‘Sunday Bloody Sunday’. [via My Man Marvkus via Black Table via con dios]

– We’re the 3rd most popular link when searching for ‘grundle ball sweat’. My parents must be so proud!!

– When life hands Evan Dando a lemon, I guess he decided it was time to make a new Lemonheads album. Good, cause I’m dying to know if Ray is still shameful after all these years.

– Hilton/Lohan 2004: The T-Shirt!?!?!! Crapsticks!!! Someone beat me to the punch. Anyone interested in Lohan/Dukakis ’08 shirts I have in the works? Also, does anyone know of a better tee place that CafePress?

– Speaking of H.R.Thighness, here’s the only pic I could find of Lohan on the cover of GQ.

– To hell with the Rock, this chick is the real Scorpion King. By the weigh, if yer a Scorpio like me, you rule the world, but you probably already know that.

– Lettuce juss say that this guy wouldn’t make the cut for the animated gif-ted and talented class. [via Penna Pastahead]

– Watch the boy in the background (NSFW) [via Lil White Chapel]

– Man Shoots Wife, Mistakes Her for Monkey. Now that’s love!

– Breastest Lohan headline EVER: Dad Defends Daughter’s Breasts. And probably the wurstest thing about being Lohan’s daddy is being able to talk about her (joe e) ta-tas, but not being able to draw a map of Hawaii on them.

– t.A.T.u. admit they don’t drink from the furry cup and that their ‘new’ look and act will be ‘hotter than ever before‘. How is that possible if they plan on ‘getting rid of their skimpy school uniforms‘? Maybe they’ll wear bras made of cream cheese and panties made of their own pubic hair! In the same article, there’s talk of an Office spin-off with secretary Dawn and everyman Tim. [via StereoBritKnee]

– Heard about the banned Streets video for “Blinded By The Lights”? Well, czechs it out here: Windows Media jounks or Real Player stizzups. [1st link via U of Grambsy]

– Typing about Grambs, what the deli-yo wit dis: Whatev.org?

– Rest in peace MisShapes, cause yous just got the NYThymes treatment. And who the hell is this Sarah Lewitinn Spinstress anywayzit? I dunno, but I hear she’s been so much fun since she started blogging again. Wink wink, nudge nudge, dig doug. [via Chillary & Cewebrity]

– Astralwerks Showcase for the CMJ-A-Thon, starring The Concretes, VHS or BETA, Sondre Lerche and The Golden Republic, Thursday, October 14th @ Bowery Ballroom. More details to come soon….

– Kerry may not have a plan, but he does have a brain. I don’t think the other guy does. See here.

– Da Da Vinci Code gotz banned in Lebanon. Dang, I guess Rony will have to buy all the copies for the rest of the Seikaly clan.

– What the fudgecicles is this crap? NICKEL PLEASE!!! When did the gov-mint decide that TJ should look like one of the half-assed drawn cartoon characters in Bass/Rankin’s bastardization of The Hobbit? I blame Bush. Vote Lohan/Dukakis in November. [via Kid Kadoji]

– Liam Gally-grrrrrrrr and Ricky Gervais team up to re-record David Brent’s ‘hit’ single, “Free Love Freeway”. [via GoldenFiddleFaddle]

– Here’s an interesting idea: Dude finds a camera’s memory card in a taxi and posts one of the pictures each day and narrates as if he was the person who actually took the photos. He calls it: I Found Some Of Your Life. [via Cefarooney]

– The most pointless event to look forward to in 2005: 26th Annual Mooning of Amtrak. [via Made of Brawnsteeen]

– Bid on HAL 9000 leftovers or a knife from The Shining. [via Navi the Barbarian]

– Vertically challenged girl who loves boning and can ‘suck a basketball through a garden hose‘ is looking for some companionship. Inquire within. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Looks like Miss Alabama’s website was created circa 1995.

– Retrocrush reveals the 50 Coolest Monkeys! Grape Ape got the shaft.

– Roger Ebert finally gets himself a real website… well sorta. And judging by this picture, he loves the band L7… well sorta.

– What’s this Jude Law Alfie remake all about? All I know is that he gets to bang Susan Sarandon and you can see it fo free!

– This be My Man Marvkus’ favorite wurstest local commercial (Windows Media). It’s quickly becoming mine too.

– I’ve had bad milkshakes before, but this is recockulous!

– Click here for a nasty ole NSFW animated gif.

– My Other Jesus is a Camaro: The T-Shirt [vonce again from Zach de la R]

– And here’s some questions that make my anal itch: Can you use diesel fuel instead of regular gas? What the fudge is Bill Watterson doing? And seriously, Who Is Harry Crumb?

Who cares about trashola Britney anymore now that she’s all married and stizz? Well, I know some people still do, but lettuce focus our attention on the real deal holythighs: Lindsay Morgan Lohan.

– Her Royal Thighness is dying to duet with Eminem and word has it that he really wants to meet her. I hear she also wants to duet with me, but my schedule’s a lil too hectic at the moment. Speaking of her ‘music’ career, she’s having issues on how to present her image. C’mon Lohandjob, alienate yer younger fans and dress as slutty as possible!

– Roman Lohanski thinks Heinz ketchup is ‘Burger-licious’. Boy would I love to stick my meat in between her buns. Did I just type that out loud?

– The Mean Girls DVD takes on the Star Wars Box Set at stores tomorrow. Either way my pause and slow-mo buttons will be broken by week’s end. Gotta love Leia’s metal bra or this website dedicated to it.

– Mrs Thigh Master to grace the cover of next month’s GQ.

– LL, who ROX, was heavily teased as a child cause of her red hair and freckles. Now she does all the teasing. And I’d like to bovs her f-in teesings.

– And Frecklejuicy’s infamous nip slip, from a few moths back, made the back pages of this month’s Playboy. Hopefully in a few years, she’ll be gracing the front of it. [via McCrabbypants]

– When we last czeched in on H.R.T (Her Royal Thighness), from the set of Herbie: Fully Loaded, she had just been assigned some Lohandlers to keep her from turning into Courtney Love the II (no relation to Davis Love III). Well, according to Defame-her, things have gottens so outta (lo)hand that she may be replaced by rival Hilary Muffdiver, who still won’t shut up about their ‘retarded’ feud.

– Peace the fork out Johnny Ramone. Lets just say the 2000s haven’t been kind to the Ramone clan.

– Candy corn is already on sale. And at 79 cent a bag, I could be Louie Anderson gynormus by Hollow-Ween. Please, someone has got get all Nurse Ratched on my azz before this gets any worserer. Damn you Brach’s.

– British? Own a cell phone? Click here.

– McG must be destroyed.

– Driver Motors Wrong Way for 18 Miles. Sounds like the title of an album by two young quasi-lesbian Russian girls.

– The word ‘assassin’ has two asses.

– And is it just me and my thighs or has everyone gone Switched At Birth crazy lately? Czech out Ashlee Simpson’s long lost twin or how bout deadman Bernie and lucky to be alive Roy? Well, to tide you all over, here’s a half-a$$ed version of Bitched @ Swirth…