Thighs Wide Shut

– The National Enquirer are friggin geniusesses. Not cause they have the scoop on Calista Flockhart returning to her home planet of Lipsezzes, but cause last week they beat me to the punch on a headline I could of used on this site (see right, below her feet). [via DJ Southern Fried Rebel]

– Speaking of Ms Thang, Lohan and Mark Ruffles Potato Chips were honored at the Diversity Awards. How could the Double L win one of these thangs when the Awards ‘celebrate diverse achievements in film and television‘? Do you think playing a buxom high school teenager in 4 movies is diverse? Watch yer merry lil steps Meryl Streep!!!

– Britney calls it a day… for now. Possible future replacements as the sluttiest person in entertainment: Jamie Lynn Spears, Dakota Fanning, Charlotte Church, Inconsiderate Cellphone Man, and ROB from Gyromite.

– Playboy is hot to get ye olde hottie Susan Sarandon undressed. My left hand and Jergens® are too!!

– ESPN released their pre-season College B-ball Top 25 Rankings. Da ACC (the greatistist of em all) occupies 6 of dem spots. And since me beloveded Twerps are ranked #10, as usual they’ll probably lose a few or their early games, drop out of the Top 25, beat some highly ranked squads, make the tourney, only to lose in the second round. CAN’T F-IN WAIT!!

– Bush’s thought process EGGSPLAINED!! Read this shiz and tell me you still want to vote for this Commander In Thief.

– You thought Apple Blythe Martin was an oddleistic name? How bout Sir Bob Geldof’s daughters: Pixie, Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom, and of course Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily? Who cares, I’d love to pick Pixie’s pocket and see if Peaches’ peach is fuzzy or not!

– Sam Mendes and Shrek team up for Broadway. Screw that, bring on Toy Story: The Musical or Rosie O’Donnell’s Head Meets Mr Guillotine.

– Peace the fork out Pierre Salinger. Yer eyebrows belong in the Hall of Fame next to Andy Rooney’s, Martin Scorsese’s, and of course, NY1’s own George Whipple da III’s.

– Air, Dizzee Rascal, Nellie McKay and TV on the Radio are scheduled to perform at the Shortlist ceremony at the Avalon Theater in Hollywood on November 15. More names to be added.

– Get yer free tickets to tapings of Jimmy Kimmel and Carson Daly. Btw, wtf is the deal with The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion being Daly’s ‘house band’ for an entire week? That makes about as much sense as Jews for Jesus.

– THE REDSKINS WON A GAME!!! Joe Gibbs is the messiah and we’re going to beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl!!!

– Club Paris. I wish that first word was used as a verb and not a noun.

– Break out yer 20-sided dice and max out dem hit points cause Dorks & Dwebs Dungeons & Dragons turned 30 this past weekend!! And in honor of the event, we should all burn every DVD copy in eggsistance of the self-titled movie starring Jeremy Irons. Jeremy’s Iron? Mm hmm, well that’s…very good…for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you’d like to bounce it?

– Did you know that some 40 percent of Albanians have no street address?

– And finally, Crazy Horse Kin Want Strip Club Renamed

– THE SINGLE BREASTEST SITE EVER CREATED BY A HUMAN since You’reTheManNowDog.com be RumorsOnTheInternets.com. I could watch this shiz ALL DAY SHLONG!!! [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

– Burt Reynolds, you are no Sorrell Booke!!

– Bill O’Reilly is not only a triple-douche bag, but apparently a quadruple-dirt-a$$ scum bag as well. No wonder he gets along so famously with the Peabs and the Coz!

– There is a Gawd and whoever HE may be, lettuce bless him on the miracle of picking Chris Rock to host the Oscars. Phew, cause Billy Crystal’s jokes had more (cob)webs than Charlotte!! But somehow the producers will flex their Oscar magic and make the Rock un-funny.

– KRS-One “cheered when 9/11 happened.” Look KRiS, if you want to garner attention to sell some albums, go the R Kelly route by peeing on 14-year-old girls instead of applauding the deaths of yer fellow country(wo)men/buying public. [via A Sock’s Life]

– The NBA may one day dump 3-pointers until the last five minutes of a game. FUNK dat. If they really wanted to make the game mo interesting why don’t they just adopt some MTV Rock ‘N’ Jock B-Ball Jam jounks like the 25 point basket or create teams like the Violators or the Bricklayers, coached by Bill Bellamy and Dan Cortese respectively. DON’T CALL IT A CALLBACK!!

– The other day I was pondering what Mr Belding, the butler on Fresh Prince, Kimmy Gibbs, and that kid who isn’t Ben Savage from Boy Meets World have all been up to. Good thing the NY Daily News did all the werk fo me!

– Peep the Fat Albert: The Movie trailer. Er, um, well at least the costumes looks nice.

– Think that was a atrociousaladocious? Watch this trailer in its entirety. Keep an eye for the uMAZING special F/X.

– Hooray to VH1 for greenlighting Surreal Life 4 + the Flavor Flav & Brigitte Nielsen spin-off project! But who wants to watch a show where Daniel Baldwin, Biz Markie, Wendy the Snapple Lady, and Ralphie May try to lose weight? Wouldn’t it be better if they were forced to eat more ala Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest?

– I’m a sexist pig. And with that said, every woman should wear a pair of these Playboy jeans! Button fly? More like Bunny fly! Blue jeans? More like BLUE BALLS!

– Most un-sir-prizing statement of the 21st century: Comedy Central Darling Jon Stewart Backs Kerry. And this just in… Jewish Men Love Mel Brooks Movies, Microwaved Tuna Smells, and Lohan Has GYNORMUS Ta-Tas!!.

– John Kerry keeps talking about holding summits if he were erected prez. Is the World Toilet Summit in Beijing one of them? What about The Summit in Houston or Pat Summit?

– To hell with the real election, who would you rather vote for Jimmy Smits or Alan Alda?

– Sure Richard Marx AND Phish both played airport hangars, but does it get any butter than playing at the Nobel Peace Prize ceremony? Dunno, but the David Koresh house band, Le Polyphonic Spree, will find out.

– It must be a crying shame to be a Luxembourger these days. Especially when Liechtenstein put a 4-nil arse-whopping on you and yer 155th world ranked soccer squad.

– Speaking of western Europe, you know you live the greatistist country in the world when you can buy pot cheaper in a store than you can from the government!!

– And finally, congratulations are in order to chipmunk face, aka Lynndie England, who gave birth to the anti-Christ. That baby will probably be the universe’s most frightening creature since Kuato from Total Recall or the half-alien/half-human thing that popped out of Robin’s bagina on V: Final Battle (link is of the OG mini-series). I smell a Bitched @ Swirth!!

– To hell with the re-united Wu-Tang Clan and to heaven with the re-united Seaver Clan, sans stoopid a$$ Leo who forgot his roots!! Gawd DANG Joanna Kerns/Maggie Seaver is STILL so fruckin FLY! And DANG gawd Jeremy Miller/Ben Seaver is STILL so frodging awkward looking! [via My Man Marvkus]

– Itching to play Halo 2 a month before it comes out, and for free?

– Beatles + Cirque du Soleil = Siegfried and Roy replacement!

– White Stripes to release one of me mos personal favorite covers EVERgreen as a single: Dolly Parton’s ‘Jolene’.

– Lohan is That 70’s Show bound and hopefully gagged. Me didn’t realize that that show was still on the air.

– Farrell & Fox to team up for Miami Vice flick? Maybe they can get Don Johnson & Philip Michael Thomas to duet on the sdtrk.

– This guy really loathes IKEA.

– The single most unpopular gift for the holly-daze has got to be Turd Birds.

– Why do CDs cost $15.99?

$0.17 Musicians’ unions

$0.80 Packaging/manufacturing

$0.82 Publishing royalties

$0.80 Retail profit

$0.90 Distribution

$1.60 Artists’ royalties

$1.70 Label profit

$2.40 Marketing/promotion

$2.91 Label overhead

$3.89 Retail overhead

Wal-Mart sez eat a dick to that shiz!

– These cookies aren’t eggzactly Prince Charming. Ahhhhhhh snap, ginger style!

– How the fiddlesticks can Chick-fil-A be the #1 drive-thru spot in Amorica when we aint even gots on in the NYC area and it’s closed on Sundays? [via The Fiddler]

– It goes without saying that Uncle Grambo is the f-in BlogFather of the entire f-in blogosphere. Yesterday’s post was eggceptional… and I aint juss saying that cause he gave me some stizz love or that we’re heteroflexible lovers.

– Our gal CityRagDoll drops the story behind Britney Federline’s foot tattoo.

– You know yer a bona fide cultural icon when you get poked fun of in a video game. Case eggzample: that fat Star Wars kid in the new Tony Hawk game. [via Pakulashaker]

– Pray that this isn’t yo granny!! [NSFW via Z de la Roachclip]

– Free movie ticks to Finding Neverland and for us NYCers: Sideways & Undertow

– In the WTF department, we give you the wurstest David Bowie cover mt everest! [via Popbitch]

– And here’s something for you San Francisicindiansians to do this tweakend:

– Tis been out there for a few days and I apologize for the delay in the scoopage, but here lie the vid to LL’s un-hit single ‘Rumors’. And after further review, the song is just as awfulistic as any of Britney’s, so I see no reason why she can’t gain the same type of ‘fame’ as Shitney did in the music world. But who cares about the music anywayzitz? How bout how umcredible she looks in the vid. I haven’t seen her sport such hotness for a few months. And she was mad crazy swamp a$$ sweaty throughout the entire thing, shakes her tail in a cage, and of course there are many a shots of her bovoistic tees!! All in all, she may be another brick in the wall, but I’ll be fo shooozle buying front row seats to her show when she’s NYC bound… and gagged [via StereoBubbalicious].

– And whatever Her Royal Thighness needs, its not the support of Mark McGrath, but of a super-hugemungos bra.

– Britney Federline? That’s 17 times as redonkeylus as Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. Since she’ll be paying all the bills and be birthing the kids, he should change his name to Kevin Spears. [via Time Werespanko]

– Franz Federline claim they only net 250 lbs a week. Maybe they can earn a bit o scratch if they appear in the next Harry Pothead flick. And if that doesn’t produce dividends, they could always call in the Black Hand to assassinate their drummer, and cash in on his life insurance policy. TAKE HIM OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!

– The Wu-Tang Clan have reunited, no double LP, but the world still eggcited for their Nov 12 show in East Rutherford! Pre-sale this Friday at 9am. Password is ‘First’.

– One things I could never understand is why they didn’t have a Lebowski fest in LA. Mission accomplished! Too bad the bowling alley they used during filming no longer eggsists! [via Joe E Tata-tar-sauce]

– The Beatles US albums will finally get a CD release.

– I’d rather cut off the shroom top of my johnson, top it with tuna juice and homeless man’s urine smell, microwave it for 10 minutes, and eat it with chopsticks covered in hamster pellet poo than attend this event.

– Hey Red Sux fans, maybe if the Yankees didn’t own yer a$$ since 1809 then you’d actually have a right to bitch and moan about them Who’s Your Daddy tees!

– I love me dem Redskins, but this is probably the wurstest NFL product I’ve ever seen since Brian ‘The Boz’ Bozworth.

– Top shelf indeed! Who wants to donate 2K for me to buy the Willie in ’84 threads?

– There be two NEW books out there that may get me to read! The first one is Phil Roth’s The Plot Against America, which imagines if anti-semite Charlie Lindbergh won the presidency, made a pact with Hitler, and turned America into a Jew-hating landscape. The other is uber-round/hotness Tatum O’Neal’s tell-all book entitled, Paper Life. I mean who doesn’t want to hear about her smack addiction, being smacked around by her daddy Ryan and ex-hubby McEnroe, having Michael Jackson trying to seduce her AND attending an orgy at age twelve with Melanie Griffith! Nouw al eye half tu doo iz leurn houh 2 reed!

– The reverse dictionary.

– ‘Black Irish’ EXPLAINED!!!

– Kenya dig this annoying lil flash vid? Didn’t think so.

– If only the last two Matrixeses flicks were as goode as this!

– What do I have to do to be in a organization with these folks? [via Mag-Bastard]

– Here’s something that’ll make you wish you had that 30 seconds you just wasted back!

– Do you call soda ‘pop’ or ‘Coke’? Yer not alone in yer buffoonery. Peep this map!

And yer most un-Kosher headline of the day be:

– Pig Guts Cause Smelly Traffic Jam

Me just got back from having the GAYest ole time in lovely San Fran. I ate so much Rice-a-Roni that I can’t even write about it all right here, right now. But in the meantime, here’s the crap you’all would rather read:

– STOP THE PRESSESSES: Lohan fears kissing guys onscreen! And Papa Lohan BLASTS her ‘lowlife’ friends!

– Zellweger still filling her gynormus cheeks with Jack’s whites?

– The greatestist band named after an element, Air will supply some French fried background music for the Ballet Preljocaj when it hits BAM in early November. Now normally I wouldn’t be caught dead at the ballet or anything that had 2 ‘j’s in its name, but tickle me curious and elmo! [via TheOnlyShoppppe In Town]

– What more appalling in this picture, the kid (mischa) barfin or the dude who decided to wear that rad brown jacket? [via Zach de la Roachclip]

– If you’ve been living in cave with Osama, then you probably haven’t peeped JibJab’s latest political hootenanny.

– Some Singaporean bloke shoved three and a lil bit o’ hamburgers in his mouth to broke the world record. Obviously the Guinness Record peoples have never followed me into a White Castle cause I can fit a sack in my mouth… hairy or shavenened.

– Unemployed or work the graveyard shift at McDougals? Then yer probably one of the only peoples who can czech out the Raveonettes this Thursday at 5pm at The Delancey.

Two questions that make yer anal itch:

– What ever happened to lil Newt from Aliens?

&

– What’s up with things that are deviled?

And here’s yer headline to get yer day going…

– Doctor Accused Of Paying Fine With Feces-Covered Money [via Michelin-Man]