Thighs Wide Shut

• So what is Jack Bauer to do NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW, NOOOOOOOOOW that he is a man without a bourne identity, a man without a country, and a man who will probably never ever eat Chinese food again. Tom Wellington, Me, & Mies van der Rohe all think there is only one logical next step: call up Stephen J. Cannell and start up a new A-Team!! Can’t u juss see Jack assuming the role of ‘Hannibal’, Behrooz Araz as ‘BA’, Jude Law as ‘Faceman’, Jack Black as ‘Howling Mad’ Murdock, and Jack’s daughter Kim (you know, ELISHA CUTHBEST) as ‘Triple A’ Amy Amanda Allen, who will only last one season, just like the original character did. Somehow they’d also have to work in Chloe, who returned to her people down in Fraggle Rock, Edgar, who semi-retired to challenge the skills of Takeru Kobayashi, Tony ‘THE MAN’ Almeida, who works for the National Institute of Whispering, and President Palmer, who’s gotz his good hands tied up with Allstate.

• Related #1: But is dearest Her Royal Thighness the II better suited for the mystery female role in MI3?

• Related #2: A-Team Drinking Game

• Trump University. Too bad there aint no courses on ‘Dealing With Bad Hair’, ‘How To Have Beautiful Children Like Me When You Look Like… Me’, and ‘TV & VCR Repair’.

• Me loves it when a star denies a report and then a Brit paper/site reports that as a ‘slam’. Latest: Mischa & Brandon’s splitsville report AND Lohan & her weight.

• Senate centrists agree, Monica Bellucci has some killer knockers [all 3 NSFW]! “Oh…. thank you, Doctor.“

• Madness to strap on their baggy trousers in their house, make a new album, and yes, finally visit our shore sometime in the fall. Or so B-Board claims.

• J-Fo working 9 to 5 again? Seems Dolly Parton and Lily Tomlin are game, but how come no word from The Dabney?

• Somethings are breast left alone, as the crap that they is.

• Wouldn’t want to be at the Knowles’ this T-giving.

• Please be true to your words and leave. Please take those comments back and yer cloths off!

• Charlie’s Dingbats

• Peace the FORK out to the importance of (used to) being Ernest T. Bass AND to a man who was soo grrrrrrrrrrrrrreeaat!

• A bunch o’ Star Werz crap: Two more doses of Fark Photoshop genius (hispecially these: 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5), one set from Worth1000 (HOT), Allah Ackbar, Darth Vader, jerk-ass, and now thief, StoreWars, The Last Supper, B-Wagon Boy reviews Star Wars 6 The Attack of the Sixth, and at least ONE good thing came out of all this: more of our dearest Natalie [via DataW?/EgoMyTastics/JJ/Other Crap]

• No Batdance 2005

• Benicio Del HERO

• Am I a B-List Blogerrebrityiggizillzedydo cause these guys are the #1 Google result for ‘thighs’?

• Juss to be clear, Regynyouth is not Regnyouth

• I heart anything written on Skeet On Mischa

• Albert Hammond, Jr, dropped as a baby

• Tell Uncle Rico that the dream is dead

• While the search continues for the real Cliff Engle, here’s the story behind the Cliff behind the Notes.

• And so castles made of sand fall in the sea, eventually.

• Anyone want some pizza with yer Posh Spice pepperoni? [NSFW]

• Ball Boys, Fat Boys, & Frat Boys [last NSFW]

• Man Leaps From Car to Retrieve Cigarette. Maybe Rooney WAS on to something… or at least he’s on the path to immortality.

• Kiddie Records Weekly

• RentMyDaughter AND RentMySon dot coms? We’ve come a long way since My Buddy & Kid Sister. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• MK, PHONE HOME!!

• Spinning gold teeth to impress all your friends! [via CEF]

• Demon Days drops today, SON! You must buy it NOWWWW or Jack Bauer will be forced to eat Sesame Chicken in a Chinese jail. I mean, when a band has to choose between Dennis Hopper and J.R. Ewing to guest star on their album, you know that shiz is gonna be off the coat rack AND redonkeylous! And tit tis! NO DOUBT!!!

BONUS OMGawdness!!: THREE OF THE MOS UMCREDIBLE TOM CRUSIE ON OPRAH ANIMATED GIFS MT EVEREST!!!! [via the ALWAYS yumcredible Trent Lotz O Lynx]

• What a week it has been FOX’s pin-up toy Logan Marshall Green! First Jack Bauer ALMOST chopped off his legs and threw him into a lava pit when he tried to choke Padame, but he saved himself when he admitted how much he loved cock and how he thinks his TV dad looks like a Kennedy family reject. Then just last night, he was taking it easy with Orange County’s most easiest when all hell broke loose again. Almost as loose as said girl. Seems his brother Rygar wasn’t too fond of his fondling of the hottiest woman in the world named Mischa. Well, lettuce juss say he gots what he deserved as the OCk ended with a BANG! And with 24 peacing its fork out this Monday, I guess its time to bid adieu to the man we call Logan Marshall Trey Richard Heller Green Atwood. You will be missed. And by missed, I mean I’d shit on your house, at the first very first chance I get, like Ronald Miller did to earn respeck on his best friend Kenneth‘s house in Can’t Buy Me Love. If Brian Austin Green couldn’t buddy hacket, how can you?

• Why is women be so darn beautifulski and men are so (Michael) Gross?

• Lohag, still nasty

• Lohag Felicity in MI3?

• Depp to go gonzo again. Last time around was genius… too bad the movie wasn’t.

• Aye ca-WHAT-a, Bart is a mayor?

• Woah, the OG Lebowski Fest mcnabbed They Might Be Giants this year!

• BV skims thru the semi-hard to navigate NYC’s River2River Summer Fest site to give you the best of the best breast of the breast! No confirm on the Fiery Furnabest show… yet.

• Guns ‘NÂ’ Roses Album Update #1,367, and no I didn’t make up that headline!

• The Stripes are in such a hurry this summer. I guess you could call them RUSSIANS! Speaking of my ancestors, why not download Roxette’s greatest hits from one of their fine internets portals!

• Beck loves Cali

• Boring just got bigger!

• Gorillaz brainchildren, Jamie Hewlett and Damon Albarn, will be making the following in-store appearances next week:

May 24 – Newbury Comics, Boston, 7pm
May 25 – Criminal Records, Atlanta, 6pm
May 26 – Virgin Megastore, Union Square NYC, 12-2pm

• Cherish these Steve Hartman reports now, before you see him on the streets pissing on himself and talking to mail boxes.

• Geri ‘Ginger Snatch Spice’ Halliwell’s gig of a lifetime: Blur in the ’95? I knew she was deliscumptious, but I didn’t realize she had good taste too!

• Fooled by Justin/Fubar 2.0/Don’t Link This‘ disappearing act? I was never worried for a second, but me likes the new look, hispecially seein’ Thighs occupy the top link slot. Dare I say, thanks a slot?

• Chewie may pick up his chicks at Cons, but Darth makes his living off em!

• Damn, I was really hoping to sue my 1st grade baseball coach for patting me on the ass as I rounded first base.

• Silent Flute dug up some hot snaps from the 24 season finale. Peeep em here, here, here, and here!

• Unfortunate Star Wars Costumes

• And now for the other OC, the REAL OC: Ocean City, Merryland, where me and the fellers, who attended the 11th best high school in AMORICA (!), will be celebrating the waning freedom days of one Davi Phil El Hofbergo… who oddly enough reminds me of a kindler, gayer (only cause he’s too good in the kitchen), Ryan Atwood. Anywho, did you know that there’s a growing rivalry between the two OCs that no one even knows about??? Either spray, I’m thinking that Misch’s and mine’s love will erase the rift that seperates our two great OCs. I guess we’ll juss have to wait and O’sea.

pink stencil font 4eva!!

Pee es – as you probably gathered, dearest Pammy Pam was not able to come back and beat Mr Mustachio. A sad day indeed. And although she did not win the big monies I still would heavily consider letting her have the honor of taking my super sperm and turning it into super sexy smart and smart-arsed children.

• The day has finally arrived and I honestly couldn’t care less. How could that be humanly possible? I mean, this is freakin Star Wars, not Star Trek: Circumcision. Um, I dunno, but it probably has to do with the fact that George Lucas and his neck that’s the size of a Cloud City has basically taken a gynormo dump on the entire franchise and in turn, my childhood. I never understood why the backstory had to be told. We already know it. Maybe the only thing that needs clarity is how Tarkin became a Grand Moff. Anywho, although I am bitching more than a bunch of Jews paying at retail, I’m still going to see it with my pants around my ankles during all the Portman scenes tonight/tomorrow at 12:30 AM at the splendid AMC Empire (Strikes BEST) 25. See you in line? May the disappointment not be with me. Here’s hopin’!

• SummerStage finally gets around to updatin’ their site, and in the process, unveils their free concert series including the likes of M.I.A., Patti Smith, Coheed & Cambria, Tegan & Sara, John Legend, Blind Boys of Alabama, the Upright Citizens Brigade, and on one day: MC5, The Sun-Ra Arkestra, AND DJ Spooky!

• Peace the fork out #9 train?

• If Donnie Darko & Lohag had a baby, it would either look like this or this, who both oddly look a lot like him. [2nd ‘this’ via Chipper Jonesing]

• Peep the teaser trailer to da Da Vinci Code, which hasn’t even begun filming yet! Why am I all of the sudden hungry for Alpha-Bits®.

• The dude who boned Jessica Cutler is now suing her for invasion of privacy. What he really should be doing is not drawing even more attention to the fact that he actually boned her. She’s so busted, that Playboy posted her snaps on the web and thus saving their magazine readers from slitting their eyes out.

• The great Regnyouth has dug up yet another place hostin Gorillaz’ Demon Days. DON’T DELAY, DOWNLOAD TODAY!

• Why was I so nervous watching Jeopardy! last night? Hmmm, maybe cause the future of my fortunes, aka Pam ‘Ferris’ Mueller, has already fallen $13K behind the scary dude with mustache, no, not that guy with that mustache, in the ToC semi-finals. Good thing she still has a chance to catch him on tonight’s show and move onto the throwdown showdown with KJ. Some say the hottiest thing on television since Out of The World or Marblehead Manor.

• Jack Bauer to say ‘NOWWWW’ for two more seasons!!

• Grossier than gross? Courtney Love kissing Lili Taylor

• True Lies 2? Somehow they have to work in a storyline involving Eliza Dushku (Count Dooku’s real-life daughter) competing in pudding wrestling tournaments.

• Fraiser Crane in X3? [via Pakula Shaker]

• More New Order, but when are we gonna get more Maid To Order?

• The next ‘gen’ of Madden fooball on Playstation 3 looks oh so bananananas!! [via Gorilla M]

• CHEWBACCA MET WIFE AT STAR WARS CONVENTION

• PicturesOnWalls.com

• Thighs Wide Shut?

• Breastest handsoap no one knows about: Fa’s Kiwi Mix

• Hot Dog, Bun Makers Vow To Even The Score [via Witz]

• Who does this guy think he is, Pat O’Brien of the pre-Betsy’s-jealous-era?

• While mos peoples were seeing big shows early this week, like snoozefest ’87 & a reunion of a band that I’ve never heard of until they reunited, I czeched out the latest and greatest: Kasabian @ Bowery & The Bravery @ Warsaw. Both killah performances. Plus ya gotta love that each only have one album out and basically play the whole thing in about an hour. Take the Bravery’s setlist (with my really cool bed sheets as a background) for example, every single song from their album was played. Yous juss can’t beat that… cept for the fact that their guitarist looks like John Norris.

ADDED: CBS AXES 60 MINUTES WEDNESDAY!?#?!#@?%~% How will the world be able to face their hump days without the services of Steve Hartman? More importantly, what the hell is he going to do? He was on the verge of becoming the 1147832334480235435th funniest person in the world!!

• Lohag to star in Mission Impossible 3?!?!??!?! Although none of the MI movies have been remotely watchable, this call makes about as much sense as letting the dude who makes Mad Libs write the sequel to Homer’s The Odyssey, or choosing KFC fried chicken for a picnic over Popeyes, or sitting down to watch UPN for 3 straight hours of programming, or going to college to actually learn things, or beating off to Rosie O’Donnell playing a retard. Have I made my point clear? If this ever happens, Satan has won. [via Defamer]

• Did you know that I attended the ELEVENTH BEST HIGH SCHOOL IN THE COUNTRY! EAT THAT LOSERS WHO KANT SPELLS OR USAGES GRAMER CO-erect-LEE!!! ROCKET PRIDE & ROCKET POWER FOREVER BIZATCHESZZ!! [via the I-Train]

• Coldplay set to bore 36 cities

• Talk bout doing a 180, Marty Freedawg gonna follow Hitchhiker’s with Anthony Minghella’s latest, Breaking And Entering, co-starring Jude Law (whom I’d love as my own personal cole slaw)

• Orlando B(l)oo learned how to act from lizards. Explains why he’s so boring, but not why he refuses to star in a movie that takes place in the 20th or 21st century.

• Hayden Christensen, NOT gay?

• Who knew Borat loved the Knicks and chilled with Sandler? And good luck Timmy R trying to follow-up what Ali G did last year.

• Apparently Jim Henson’s crew wants to scare the crap outta me again! Speaking of, cant wait til Six Feet Under returns this summer.

• Will the US Open’s blue courts cause blue balls? I dunno, but I bet she’s caused many o’ cases of them!

• Z is for trailer

• Behold, the new and improved WhiteStripes.com. I hear if you visit it each day, you’ll keep the doctor away and the Kip at bay.

• Duran squared to get all orchestrated.

• The fine peoples that brought you Slice are done with za and have moved on to bigger and better burgers with A Hamburger Today. Hopefully they’ll do an international version as I’m dying to know how the burgers of Calais taste!

• Saving Adrmiral Ackbar & this & this!

• Tickets for the Digable Planets show @ Irving Platz are on-sale. Who’s in? [via The Vegan]

• Jeopardy! is looking for the next Ken Jennings Pam Mueller in the following cities: NYC, Philly, Memphis, & Bostonia.

• SexySlumberParty.com [SFW], a part of probably the most decent Simpsons‘ episode I’ve seen/the only episode I’ve sat thru in 2 years! [All Thangs Christ]

• A Pringles Flagship Store in Times Square?

• This will make you feel pathetic

• The world’s largest building made of Lego pieces? [via Cubicle Hater]

• Lion Mutilates 42 Midgets in Cambodian Ring-Fight [via the midget source, Zach de la Roachclip]

• ALMOST as much fun as watching someone play Burger Time [via K to the P]

• Nuttin beats an internets site choc fulla animated gifs of women beating up people, sometimes utilizing their thighs. [via T Gunzzzzzz]

• And nobody tears up the Côte d’Azur like mees and my’s crew!! Sorry yer missin’ out on all the fun Cuthy, but after taking part in these brat-wurstestest photos of all’sthymer, I had no choice but to leave you at home.

• Worst call Mt Everest: For the safety and security of the girls who are selling cookies, Girl Scout Cookies are not available for purchase online. Den good thang dem girls were in my office’s lobby this week, where I snagged meself 2 boxes of Do-Si-Dos and 2 of Samoas. 4 boxes? I’m so em-bare-arsed. That is well below par for my usual 9-12 box purchase. I hope the Girl’s org doesn’t fold caus of this. Anywho, the Samoa juss celebrated its 30th anniversary!! Maybe we all should fry us some Fried Samoas® Shrimp in honor of this event! Or how bout learnin’ a lil G-Scout Cookie History. What u gotz Boy Scouts?

• Don’t Panic, cause I caught a screening of Hitchhiker’s Guide last nite and it FORKING ROCKED!! Howevski, if you didn’t read the book or haven’t prepared yerself for the zaniness that will ensue, you may not enjoy it tat all. Full review 4th-e-e-cummings, but in the meantime, peep Ebert’s.

• “Boring, boring, boring. If you want dirt, I’m not your girl.” Can it be Katelando SnoozBloosworth? Nope.

• Amen, Skeeter. And now that I’m frynally watching the 1st season on DVD, I’m beginning to see the light/understand why this season can be seen as such a poop stain.

• Fo-shizzle my Archdukes.

• Free passes to House of Wax in various cities

• On second thought, Zooma doesn’t look like such a zzzzz anymo!

• More on the Royal Consort of Thighland

• Remember, it was PAUL who broke up the Beatles, not Yoko. Who needs em anyway, the dude was already dead!

• I think I stopped watchin’ round 300. Note to Matt, Doh’nt make any more eps, PLEASE. This is worser than Jordan on the Wizards.

• Lindsay Lohan IS Ann-Margret

• Avril Levine IS Michael Jackson

• LCD Soundsystem IS AWFUL!

• I hear Wolfman’s got nards.

• Blast From the Past: Gay Robots

• And whilst the search continues for correct answers to this week’s Kross Word, I have a new lil contest for ya: Take this pic of me and corn and go Photoshop CRAZZZZZZZZZZY. Email em here! If yer lucky to have yers posted, I’ll send u something special. And by special, I don’t mean an ear of corn or my pubes. Good luck trying to top this…