Thighs Wide Shut

While the search continues for Holy Tail that is Jenny Wright, may I briefly shift our attention to another long lost 80s screen gem? As I was bumbling round looking for infos on The Boy Who Could Fly, I was reminded of the pulchritudinousnessness girl next door who believed the boy next door was a boy who could fly. She seemed so virginal, yet highly vaginal, and her name be Lucy Deakins. She didn’t have much of a career, sides being River Phoenix’s lil loveita in Little Nikita and Chris Young’s snack bar snack in The Great Outdoors, but nonethebreast, made an impact on a young me. I don’t wanna really want bother her in this day and rage, as she’s since married, dropped the Deakins for Webb, and bore a child, but just kinda wanna make sure that all is well in her world. If you’re reading this former Deakins, I think you’re more splendid than Splenda and would love to buy you a dessert of yer choice at DQ that’s sweeter than you. This offer is not valid in states that don’t observe Daylight Savings Time…

• Congress to extend Daylight Savings Time by 2 fargin months?!??! WTFiddlesticks? First Indiana sells out and now this? I think they’re out to get me and make me sweat my grundle off since I voted for Lohan/Dukakis in ’04. I don’t even wanna think about what’s possible if Heath Shuler Goes To Washington… and not as a sorryarsed QB who cursed the Skins from ’94 on.

• The Charlatans UK ready follow-up to 2004’s Up At The Lake. America still awaits a release of 2004’s Up At The Lake.

• Statler & Waldorf, still more credible than Gene Shalit [via JJ]

• Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny THE TEASER SITE!

• Spank the lord, cause Mr Fantastic would’ve been the mos unfanstatsic choice for 007

• The Chem Bros love on Charlotte Church hates on the Pope

• Coming soon to a theater near you: Evan Rachel Wood’s Citizen Kane, Loverboy, and Frankenhooker.

• Andy Rooney slummin it on a Central Iowa rag? Possib, since I know he loathes Duran Duran.

• The Fingertips Project, in the key of TMBG [via Metafilter]

• Google maps the Moon, and apparently Hitler [zoom in sez Gorilla] Still waiting for one of Endor. They have an older code, but it czechs out.

• (should be left) Undiscovered

• Please, no more Numma Numma knockoffs… hispecially ones that don’t even try [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Keds, the official shoes of Gypsies

• Boof & Stiles love them some beavers

• Toiletgarten

• He Brakes For Midgets

• Point(less) and Cut

• Airline Meals

• Asian People Porking In Cars might juss be the new Catholic High School Girls in Trouble [semish NSFW via My Man Marvkus]

• Anna Smashnova, sorta like Maria Sharapova, cept looks like a shemale hooker from the Gaza Strip Club. But I’m almost US Open to anything…

Recognize this fine piece of 80’s movie a$$?? What, Bob Geldof looking aloof while tight pink panted 80’s movie a$$ walks by doesn’t give it away give it away give it away now? Well if yer dumb and founded I’ll speak and spell it out for you. I’ve been on a huge Floyd binge of late, due to their appy-pearance @ Bob Geldof’s Live 8, so I decided to revisit a dear olde friend of mine, The Wall album and film. And den what happened? Besides wanting to hide in a closet/jump out of a window/never shave off my eyebrows, I have re-fallen in love all over again with that fine piece of 80’s movie a$$ that belongs to one Jenny Wright, who played a cum guzzlin groupie in search of a back stage pass to give up dat a$$ to Geldof’s Floyd, while ‘Young Lust’ [d-lode] played in the background. Which brought me to my next quests called tribe: What ever became of her and where can I become all over her? Well, we know for a fact that’s she’s smoked fags in at least one flick and according to Mr Skin, she’s appeared nude in 5 films. But from 1998 on her whereabouts are unknown. Someone dig Robert Stack outta the grave cause we’ve got an unsolved mystery on our hands!! And Jenny, if yer reading this, I’ll offer you twice as much as I offered Jimmy Smits to make an appearance at my sis’ wedding to come over to my castle wearing them pink spandex and get yer sisterhoods of yer ya-yas out. If not, any dirty woman/girl will do. Email if interested, but brunettes need not apply.

• While we’re at it, this dude is a huge fan of their Wish You Were Here cover art AND The Wall meets Donkey Kong

• This year’s Siren Festival was purty darn schvitzy. We were there for 5+ hours and probably heard a total of 25 minutes of music. We was too busy eatin’, ridin’, and losin’ 7 dollars playin’ a dice game on the pier. Of course we followed up the day with a night at the Bohemian Beer Garden on the opposite side of the MTA map. Note to V-Voice: Next year please get bands I actually want to see like Mott The Hoople and King Crimson. Want more? Hit up the Vegan

• You may now kiss the bride slit your eyes

• I guess you can forget about the Breeders reforming

• George Lucas gives up, Sarah Michelle Gellar gives in, and Lohag, what gives?

• Danger Mouse + MF Doom = Dangerdoom

• Mandy Moore’s next stop of TV guestdom? Scrubs. Tell me, what does Zach Braff have that I don’t, cept a TV show and one heavily overrated movie?

• Anderson Cooper, a not so closeted Scissor Sisters fan [3rd item down]

• Heath the fork out!

• You a struggling actor and look like a terrorist? Contact the FBI

• This Thursday, July 21, at 8:30 pm @ The Montclair Public Library: The NeverEnding Story

• Me Ma & Liam Gallagher have something in common: a love of peanut butter

• Photos from a thing people used to call an ‘arcade’ [via Witzel the Pretzel]

• Always worth revisiting: The Many moods of Mischa Barton

• The Golden Age of Iron Men

• Enter the house of ENZO [via Dustin Diamonds]

• Proposed boxers for a sequel to Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!

• SecretFunSpot.com

• And C-Belle, could you and yer bushy brows please stop being so sporking hottieolicuous? You are even more very fine than Veryfine drinks. So fine that you blow my mind. So let me ring your Belle and I’ll let you blow my Blow Pops. (And be kind and rewind). All I know is that at the theater where I’ll be peeping your latest joint, The Chumscrubber, they will mos def need a jizzmopper.

[via]

NEWSFLASHINTHEPAN!!
Mischa Barton Walks Down Street With Man!

[via ONTD]

• Borat Sagdiyev takes advantage of Mississippi, again.

• Elliot Smith – North Six – 6/6/03 [Forever Youth]

• The Cars Strokes to fly south for the winter fall. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

• Former Congressman and greasemonkey, Ben ‘Cooter‘ Jones is the new RottenTomaotes.com. Here’s his rotten take on the new Dukes flick, ‘the movie is a sleazy insult… and is like taking ‘I Love Lucy’ and making her a crackhead or something.’ [via The REAL Jonah]

• CollegeHumor.com mcnabbs a deal with Paramount to make movies with… college humor. So when is Dreamworks SKG hittin me up to filmology my autobiography, Lord of the Thighs (with music mash-up by Aerosmith/Breeders). But moist importantly, when is a movie going to be developed about Good Humor ice cream trucks? [via Dirk Fiddler]

• I don’t think the Pope smokes dope, or was ever a kid.

• Love Jews AND drawings? Then may I recommend Wild Things: The Art of Maurice Sendak at the Jewish Museum. Juss remember, they closed Saturdays because they hate Christians and need time to prepare goy children for sacrifices.

• I heart Poop

• Footballers Wive$ has a chance of being decent spankable.

• The greatest website that never was: Zealott.com [Disclaimer: that is my friend’s failed venture from halcyon years of the internets and yet it still lives with ZERO CONTENT!!!]

• Hi Res Eva Mendes or Nikki Cox, Erwin M Fletcher you choose!!

• Father finds Mariah Carey’s lame-o nip slip, but which one of yous out there was trying to find ‘‘mandy moore nipple slit‘?

• And I ask you dear reader (or searcher of ‘nip slits’), what’s the one thing you be sick to meth of me shoving down yer jazzhole day after day upon day? Praising anything Damon Albarn does? Pointing out Vince Vaughn’s lack or hair/talent? Talkin bout how I ate microwaved tunafish sandwiches off your girlfriend’s chest? Well, nows be yer chance to give that hot topic that makes your blood boil and mohel bleed a nice 2 week vacation. Dat’s right folks, juss shemail me your Thighs Wide Hate, with a brief explanation as to why/thigh, and whichever person/place/or bling gets the most love (hate) they will be excommunicated from this dot org for a fortnight!!! Lettuce pretend that Lohag is chosen as the taboo subject, then even if she invents hoverboards, bangs Sandra Day O’Connor, and re-records Ween’s Pure Guava, NONE of it will get a mention… for two whole wheat weeks!! The only eggceptions to the rule are yours drooly, cause I know you love it when I talk about my grundle, and Her Royal Thighness the III (or Masha, as her fam and friens call her), who can only be exiled by me, the Henry the VIII of the ’05.

• What a rip-roarin rip-torin effin time me and HRT the III had at this year’s ESPYs. Sure, winning the Best Female Tennis Player award wasn’t even a challenge, but I was a lil perturbed when Annika Sorenstam edged out the Mrs to ‘win’ Best Female Athlete honors. I guess the swimsuit part of the competition didn’t sway the judges one bit. But whatta we care, those stinkin awards are the sports equivalent of Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice Awards, aka something as meaningless as a PT Anderson film. And what was really odd about the whole thang, no not our visit to the Playboy Mansion, was when she presented the award for Best Baseball Player ashlongside Lohag the Wurstest The I’s former flame-broiled hamburgler, Wilmer Valderrama!! Talk about awkwardness from Auckland!!! When I asked Pova to reflect on the whole evening, she said something about vodka, pouring, on her, naked, those lap pillows, and Tetris. I was a lil confused by that, but maybe it’ll make a bit more sense when we travel to the Kremlin Cup this Rocktober.

• Caught Röyksopp‘s thumbcredible show at Irving Platz last nite. Played two encores and two songs twice. Odd, but fantabulous!!! Continues theory that ‘electronic’ groups put on more funner shows than ‘normal’ bands do. See also Air, Basement Jaxx, and Chemical Brothers, who’s latest album I first lo-hated on, but have now grown to lo-ve. Push the Button and buy the damn thing already!!

• Save the date: July 4th, 2007

• It would take 36 straight weeks under the knife to make Kelly Osbourne look attractive. Too bad a knife can’t solve personality issues…

• I’m sirprized she didn’t slip out of the lap bar

• The only way to look at Lennon and Harrison’s deaths as a good thing

• Please, don’t be boring like that last album

• I wanna lick Charlotte Church’s green eyes and then mate with her so my children can have even greener eyes and chunky thighs!

• The Worst Rock Dads of All Time

• The Top 12 Hottest Female Guitarists Ever? I dunno, but my two most flavorite hottiest female bass players are Jill Cunniff, of Luscious Jackson fame, and Kim Coletta, of Jawbox game. [via Emmanem]

• Grovers Mill, New Jersey probably wished it was actually attacked by Martians

• Graceland is to Elvis as Iceland is to Elves

• Man Used Electric Underpants ‘To Fake Heart Attack’ [via NOTW]

• And while you martin mull over thats take a look at Pinder’s tats

[taz always via Double Viking]

• Usual Suspects 2, with Lex Luthor AND the Apt Pupil attached?!?!?!?! Wowie zowie!!!! If they need help with the script, I’m loaded with ideas…. like: Keyser Soze, now a huge rock star in the band the Kaiser Chiefs, is up to his old tricks when he tries to steal Kaiser Wilhelm’s kaiser roll from the Kaiser Permanente HQ. But the trynamic trio of Chazz Palminteri, Giancarlo Esposito, and Dan Hedaya are once again hot on his trail. They eventually mcnabb him, riding a talking giraffe, and interrogate him for days back at their brand new precinct building. All the while, Keyser, with walls of fresh material at his disposal, tells them some fish tales consisting of made up people, places, and thangs. He asks the threesome if he can take a dump. They oblige. He then jumps into the toilet headfirst, Ewan Mc/Trainspotting style, and escapes. Cut, print, edit, market, market some more, let blogs hype it beyond watchable, still have a huge opening weekend, greenlight third movie with Seann William Scott and that Kumar dude taking over the Spacey and Palminteri roles respectively, still a solid opening weekend, I jump out window only to have my dead body cast in Usual Suspects 4.

• I’ve had it. I have it up to here. You can’t see here, but lemme tell you, IT’S UP THERE. Not as up there as say, The Air Up There, but it’s up there. And the reason for my up here/there/and everywhere? The Frat Pack. Should be redubbed, The Usual Suspects of Suspect Movies. Please, all you swell guys take 3 years off from making movies. The eggception is Vince Vaughn who should star in every drama he possib-bly can and make people realize that he’s not only one of the mos unfunny people in the known universe, but also the brat-wurstest actor since DJ from TV’s Roseanne!! [via Sceneflazzum]

• FORKelsticks and 3/4!!! Mischa Mischka Barfon’s return to the banging block fell a couple o days too late!!! Why? Although you all hate on her and you know who you is, she love hactually came this close to becoming your new Queen Mum-bles. I shit you not spit you snot. [via SunnyListern]

• While bad is happening to Brad Pitt, lettuce look at the good: not knowing who Lindsay Lohag the Wurstest The I was

• The vid for Gorillaz’esz ‘Dare’ [via Poophead]

• 50 Shekel sells out his Judaism for Jesus, by way of Mel’s The Passions The Of The Christ The!?!?! [via Jewcy]

• The first thing to come out of England in years that will totally suck donkey kong’s bong water

• Without Jane Fonda and her Al Gore like claims, I currently would be unemployed.

• One reason to see the Texas Chainsaw prequel

• American Movie Classics Craptastics

• Here’s a hot 2 for 1 coupon for some Wagamama’s. Too bad that in order to use it, you have to get yer arse to Amsterdamage by the end of the month…. although that isn’t the wurst idea I’ve heard. The heartache never ends folks. As they celebrate the almost-opening of their 50th house of ramen-awesomeness, I wait in vain and for the 2/3 train for any news of a cross-Atlantic invasion of our shores (don’t worry, cause we’ll know the minute it happens as I have one of my top men, Sio Bibby, on ‘invasion’ alert). Alas, as my hourglass reads half empty, I’ll keep dreaming of a day where the UK cities of Birmingham and Brighton share something else in common with their American city counterparts (Birmingham, AL and Brighton Beach, Brooklyn) besides juss a name. And while I’m out to lunch, the rest of yas, email em and beg on my behalf.

• Rachel Cole [keep clickin next for NSFWness], either a sluttier UK version of Courtney Thorne-Smith or a less sluttier UK version of Tara Reid [duhvs course NSFW]. You decide!!

• Schtickers, a schtick that will wear thinner than a Lance Armstrong yellow testicle bracelet around Lohag’s gaunt waist/waste line.

• Headphone Fetish [via Double XVI]

• We do not endorse or recognize whatever Thighpaulsandra is. [via Lynn V]

• Bid on Freddie Mercury’s Volvo CareLine Card [via BayRaider]

• And oh, before I take off, I wanted to tell you ‘alls some great news!! Maria will join Roger Federer as official spokespersons and cover athletes for the Top Spin game for Gaystation 2! I heard they were close to putting Lindsay Davenport on the cover, but they reconsidered when they realized she blows and also that Мари я Ю рьевна Шара пова was recently crowned Her Royal Thighness the III. My Siberian sexpot had this to say, ‘Now, everyone gets a shot to play against me – but look out, I’m bringing my ‘A’ game in Top Spin!‘. So while she’s beating your ass on grass/parent’s basement cause your too busy czeching out her digital приклад/derrière, we’ll be pouring vodka all ourselves and digitally penetrating our collective orificeseses until Red Dawn.