Thighs Wide Shut

The Island
Think THX-1138, But With a Lot Less 38
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When is a Michael Bay movie unlike a Michael Bay movie? When it actually has a plot that is more captivating than all the 2 fast 2 furiousness action appearing on screen. And with The Island, Bay breaks from his normal by the numbers approach (and by numbers, I mean explosions per second) and gives us not only his best work to date, but one of the most bestest flicks of the year! Yes, you read that correctly. Tis be quite a shame then that this movie tanked so hard cause it actually presents more ideas than the other box office effects heavy affairs, like that of the mindless War of the Worlds and the too hyper-digital CGI shiz of Episode III. By now I’m sure you all know how the story ben unfolds five (two clones escape their pseudo-utopian society when they learn they were created for the off chance that their hosts will need a spare organ), but as Ebert said, we’d be better off if we were kept in the dark. Not that that ruins the movie, but it woulda created a helluva lot more intrigue for the moviegoer if that fine infos was withheld. I knew that going in and it still didn’t stop The Island from making an impact on me. Don’t spank me wrong, since this is a Michael Bay film, I went in as a doubting tom from frame one on. I kept waiting and waiting for it to turn completely chop suckey, but that moment never ever came to fruition. Big ideas will always beat out big guns in my book. It’s juss so pathetic that Bay finally releases something of substance, and something he should certainly be proud of, only to have the public to turn it’s back on it. Great, cause of people like you, there’s still hope for Bad Boys III. Ef you all to hell. Kiss kiss, bang bang.

Recommended for those who like: the future of Amtrak, ‘Give us, us free’, and any 70’s Sci-Fi film that doesn’t include the word ‘Star’ in it.

Possible Porno Name: The Island… of Porno Midgets Who Love To Give Head

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the movie that The Island is supposedly a clone of, Parts: The Clonus Horror, or the MST3K version!

Four Brothers
Marky Mark and the Crunky Bunch
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Four Brothers plays out more like a Michael Bay movie than The Island does. It’s juss one big ole clunk of action jackson, with nothing in between but fast walkin and even faster talkin (and nobody walks harder than Marky). Kinda like 2 Fast 2 Furious, which coincidentally was also directed by John Singleton, who has apparently has given up on the promise he showed in Boyz n the Hood. Considering what I’ve said before, you’d think that this would be an absolute stinker, but for some reason it works… as a jj reddickiously implausible shoot em up revenge flick that takes place during the winter. One’s brain will easily turn off (in a C-3PO [NSFW] sorta way) while peeping this, and make sure that it does so you can bypass all the fluff: dialog that’s stiffer than me while intersleuthing for Charlotte Church pics, the absence of real oliver twist or turns, although they try to throw some curveballs at us, and characters that are more one-dimensional than the cast of any Kevin Smith movie. I can’t really give you a reason as to why you should stay away from this pointless exercise in violence, so I’ll give you one reason to go: Where else are you gonna see such hot up and cummers like Andre 3000, Tyrese, and the always flawless and braless Chiwetel Ejiofor act like a bunch of chumps? Dunno, Michael Bay’s next movie?

Recommended for those who like: guns, more guns, and Anson Carter.

Possible Porno Name: On All Fours Brothers

Unsatisfied with this? Turn on yer brain and Netflix Falling Down

Red Eye
Seen The Trailer? Then You’ve Seen The Movie
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Did you read the subtitle above? If you’ve seen the trailer, then you’ve seen the entire movie. If you didn’t, let me reenact it for you. Damn, my plane is delayed! But OOOOh, I met this nice and hot guy in the airport that really looks like that not so nice and not so hot guy Scarecrow in Batman Tries Again. Maybe I can be his boyfriend one day! Oh splendid, my flight is finally ready to depart! I can’t wait to go home and see my goateed daddy! That’s odd, that nice and hot guy has the seat next to me. Is it fate? Uh, maybe not since he’s threatening to kill my father if I don’t do something that will somehow involve a rocket launcher and the top of a hotel or office building. Hmmm, what to do? I’m terrified to death, and I’m such a lil hottie, and now I’m stuck on a plane with a madman who is so MAD, and still kinda hot!!!! What will I ever do to get the attention of someone on this plane and save the day as well as my life??!!! END TRAILER reenactment. OK, so there’s a bit more to it than that, like who is the rocket intended for and what will happen to her daddy, but I’m sure you can fill in your own missing reeses pieces without having to see this. I really should stop watching trailers cause it’s sorta taking the fun out of my moviegoing eggspeareantz. Or maybe the studios should only release teasers that include 2 seconds of actual movie and 2 minutes of juss words on a screen. Or maybe you should go and see this regardless cause it IS a well-crafted well-acted welly-welly-welly-welly-well good time at the old cinematorium. Did I mention that the Lindsay Lohan 2.0 is in it?

Recommended for those who like: movies under 86 minutes, Brian Cox watching TV, and mean girls who think that ‘fetch’ is not going to happen.

Possible Porno Name: Red Eye, Pink Labia

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Airplane II: The Sequel. I mean, someone has to. Plus it’s also under 86 minutes!

The Aristocrats
The Unfunniest Joke Turned Into The Most Tedious Doc
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I’ve got a grand idea, lets take some of comedy’s biggest and brightest, and force em all to tell one of the lamiestest unknown inside jokes in their own way OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… wake me up when Orlando Bloom starts telling the joke. I hate when people tell jokes. I hispecially hate it when I hear the same joke twice. So you can imagine how much hate was in my body and how much I wanted to drink my own microwaved tuna vomit after about 3 tellings of this joke. I get it. It’s a really dirty dirty dirty joke and some people’s versions are even dirtier than others. Funny HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You said your son was porking his grandmother and licking up your dog’s poo???!! HOW CRAAZZYZYZYZYY IS THAT!!! Maybe I’m juss too desensitized or my humor has been wiped away since I found out that I wasn’t gay, but I’m done folks. No more movies that contain ‘jokes’ for me.

Recommended for those who like: the Frat Pack, people sitting, and DV camerawork that be so shitty that it makes your Bar Mitzvah video look like Koyaanisqatsi.

Possible Porno Name: The Fistinyourassacrats

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Read Blanche Knott instead

Wanta Lohan that’s 89% less Lohaggish, 72.7% more insecure, and 111% now all up on my radar screen? Try Red Eyer and Diaz nanny for a day Jayma Mays on for size.

• Wanta Fanta? [beware o sound]

• While our relationship has been colder than a Siberian Kwanzaa, things have been surely heatin up in the realm of Her Royal Thighness the IIIrd. After she finally bagged that #1 ranking, she decided to grow, but unfortch, not in the mounds category, then she held a t-shirt, told someone the time, touched her shoulder, and andy capped it all off with a graffiti tagging spree. Girl, when you gotta minute, we need to talk. I promise, this time I’ll use my mouth to lash out at you and not with my borscht belt. And will someone tell her that a mic is no replacement for His Royal Shlong. [last via Spencer For Mire]

• The mockingbird has been killed died. Boooooooooooooooooo… radley/urns.

• But Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah radley to the beginning of school libraries’ slow peace the fork outtingsages

• A leather-clad Borat invades Pammy Ander’s dogs’ wedding on a giant inflatable turtle. Where the cork are the pappanazis when we need them most?!! SEE SNAPS HERE!!!

• Zzzzz zzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!

• The Daily Mirror‘s 3am is my mos flavorite destination for all dat hot jazz filled gossip from across the pond (hispecially in the key of C Church getting mad drunk and people ‘slamming’ her), but who the fork sticks are those three chicks (or birds, but not bitches) that write up this shizz and whose go fug yerself mugs adorn the letterhead? They look like an 8teenth rate group of Sugarbabes wannabees. Well apparently these girls have about as much credentials as Chuck E Cheese’s animatronic band. After a lil intersleuthing, I found out that Ms Callan is the only journalist granted entrance to Elton John’s annual Oscar party, Ms Hedley has about as much character as a character named Caroline Hedley in this book, and Ms Simpsons has less to say than Maggie Simpson. And although they are a greesome threesome, they’re at least 1/3 less duchebagish lookin than NYDN‘s Lllloyd Grove.

• Slipknot are not big fans of BK’s new Chicken Fries. I know how they feel, cause White Castle’s Chicken Rings scare the living daylights outta me.

• Cuthbest’s fiancé finally has something to do beside bang the hottiest things Canadaadda ever gave us

• Fluxie’s got a new tune off of the real FF’s new album

• The Entourage lost scenes, about as clever as… Entourage. Alldough, I will give them credit for employing Superfly Snuka

• Free passes to see That Dude From The State in major cities, and Phil Hoffman Goes Really Gay, Music Blah Blah Black Sheep, Spitting Pea Soup XII, and This Year’s Rushmore for us Jew Yorkers.

• Edward Scissorhands: The Dance Theatre Piece [via P-Bill]

• Take a tour of the Bates Motel

• Man Admits Lying About ‘Wonka’ Role On Résumé [via MoH]

• And spanks (or no thamks) to Pre-Raphaelite Shaolin, cause now I’m gonna have to scrap my artwork idea that I was going to use for my debut album that consists of nothing but Strawberry Alarm Clock covers. Originality may be dead, but corn is forever.

[via Weirdomusic]

So now that the one of the breastest shows of all thymes, Six Feet Under, is coming to an end, will there be life after death? Well I have one restupidilous idea floating around my toilet bowl of a head…

(eggscuse crappy mock-up, I’m using Microsoft Paint)
It’ll be juss like the Herbie movie, cept this red-head is hactually more bangable now than Lohagski, and we’d actually love to see this car ressucrrected like Tupac!! Maybe we can even get Kevin Dillon to replace his brother as the evil guy. If not, Corey D will do.

• HRT the IIIrd is set to become the Queen of Tennis the XVth. There hasn’t been this much uniting of kingdoms since… er, uh, um, THE UNITED KINGDOM!!

• Peace the pork out Norma Jennings‘ slimy step-pa, Ernie ‘The Professor’ Niles

• Don’t worry, I’m happy!

• Boobalicious Brit asks CC to sing at her wedding

• Timeline: Blur v Oasis after Britpop

• Tickle me jealous: this guy got paid $1.85 per hour watch A Clockwork Orange a total of 62 times

• Whatever became of acid rain?

• Walken For Prez [via Shoppe]

• Robocat [via Dr Falada via Engadget]

• I’m in VT licking maple syrup for the next week or so, so posting my be a lil lighter than Al Leiter’s loafers. In the meantime…

Although the exact date is Augusto 22nd, the Family Thighmaster celebrated in lavish style the 40th Annie Verse Airy of our Toni Morrison Beloveded rents this past weekend. And by linda lavish, I mean a non-stop eating egggstravganza (Popeyes AND sadly KFC at Pa’s request, salami and eggs, cheesecake, steaks, movie popcorn, pork chops, more salami, Laffy Taffy, olives, etc), topped off with a performance by our next door neighbor the Dink, some frisbeeingness, row boating, more eating, and the sirprize that would make any parents love their children that much more: watching 8mm videos from the late 60s to the early 80s on a deluxe edition 2-DVD set created (or authored, as we say in the industry that unemployed me) by yers drooly, complete with cheesy music that only my mum would love (John Fogerty, Tom Petty, Kool and the Gang, Frankie Valli, and Cat Stevens… although Mum admitted she can’t stand him… muss be the Yusef Islam shiz bugging her). It was so franztastic to spend the whole weekend wit em, and hear for the 49214956767890th time how they met and fell in love. But all that really matters is that they had sex and created such thumrcredible things, like my siblings, meself, and squash souffle. Ma and Pa, you are the most important, giving, loving, genuine, chillarious, honest, phun, and beautiful twosome I know. Don’t ever change, don’t ever get divorced, and don’t you EVER never never ever die. I’ve already got a spot for you both in a frozen six-pack alongside Walt Disney, Ted Williams, and two boxes of Gorton’s fish sticks.

• Whatta twosome part twosome: Stan Lee & The Best Albino

• Whatta twosome part threesome: Courtney Love & Steve Coogan, are they or aren’t they? Doesn’t take much to see that the realtionship of two little people don’t amount to a hill of Francis beans in this crazy world.

• Related: Weird Names of Music Performer’s Children

• Whattta boresome part onesome: ZzzzZzzz and Zzzzzzzzz go zzzzzing, again

• Whatta more gruesome twosome than Ozzie Newsome and Ozzie Smith: Lohag the I Wurstest I and the answer to the age fold question, what’s got two thumbs and likes to f*ck?, this guy

• Whatta jizzum from a twosome part sweet16teensome: Here/hear t.A.T.u.’s latest jingle ‘All About Us‘. At first it kind o’ sucks wurse than Necco wafers, then when you hear it 7teen more times and the next thing you know, your pants are magically around your ankles. But where’s the Russian-language version that I’m sure sounds much more faux-lesbionic? [via Fid Diddler]

• Casey Affleck turns 30, pees

• Pinder [kinda NSFW] + whatever Celebrity Love Island is = where’s the first boat to whatever Celebrity Love Island is?!

• Me need this. Anyone know where on interwebs one could such interwebbedsthisness?

• The Dandies play CBGB’s Zeptember 14th as a part of CMJ. Think Anton Newcombe will be there? Not even if they were the last Dandies on earth! [via Veggie Boy]

• Travis wants to know what a ‘Wonderwall’ is anyway, but they needn’t bother asking Noel

• Don’t flatter yerself Marky Mark, cause I’m sure Kubrick would rather work with Anthony Michael Hall than you.

• Madness let their roots grow on their new shiz, The Dangermen Sessions Volume One, available in stores Tuesday. So when be US tour??#!??E~#

• Blur – ‘ This Is A Low’ [d-lode]

• North Cacalackers pray for Charlotte Church… maybe cause she’s so G-A-Y

• Peep pics of me and various other peepholes standing in line to see a FREE screening of Stealth. You’ll notice I was all smiles BEFORE I saw the movie. Then…

• Feeping of, free tix for NYCBOSDCCHIers to re-see Master & Commander this week

• See cat jump

• What’s the 36th result when searching for an image of ‘thighs’? The corniest snap you ever did see!

• Why do sitcoms have laugh tracks?

• The guy who invented CTRL-ALT-DEL SPEAKS!! [via Vie King]

• Man’s Testicles Snared In A Padlock For Two Weeks [via Ceffle]

• And recently I Netflixed the brills 9 Academy Award nominated Sydney Pollack joint, They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? It’s about a depression era dance marathon endurance contest, where peoples were so fargin poor that they’d actually endure 40+ days of dancing/slowly moving (with lil to no rest) just to win a couple thous. Some contestants would go insane or literally drop dead. And the mos chilling part of it all is that it really farging happened [a great read for the shitter]! Anywho, the flick starred Jane Fonda, some fella named Gig Young (who won the only statue for Best Supporting Actor), Red Buttons, Bruce Dern, Susannah York, Grampa Al Lewis, and a quite young and fetching Bonnie Bedelia (althoughski her character was preggers and always in pain). I hadn’t thought much of Double B since her days as Holly Gennero McClane, but was purty darn glad to have my memory refreshed (CTRL-‘R’) by her subtle hotness in this fyne piece o’ cinema. Of course the next stop down any memory lane requires a bit of intersleuthing. The results weren’t as grand as I had hoped, but finding some les ghetto olde nakkid snaps of her was mos certainly not a bad thing. I couldn’t find a pictogram of her from Horses, but here’s a nice lil one of her looking as sassssy as ever! MeOWlia Bedelia!!

Her Royal Thighness the IIIrd’s approval rating has reached it’s lowest point ever with 99.9999999999998% approvaleded. How could this be and what does sheness need to do in order to win your love and erections? Isn’t breaking Lohag’s most searched record good enuff? Or how bout if she pulled down her pants a bunch more times? Maybe we can send you cases of her new perfume filled with Cassis Berrie & Cashmere Musk. But why should we bother trying to impress our breasts upon you? For you think Jessica Biel, who really is a man, is more worthy than Sharalovely. Did you even see Stealth or anything else she’s ever been in? She has zero talent and she’s a man (juss in case u didnt read that the first time). Plus I’d rather beat off to Mary Worth than her. And you know how WORTHless that comic slizatch is!!

• Old Gorillaz news is suddenly new again

• An insult to Jews and audiences everywhere

• I think the odds are 121-120 that Ludivine Sagnier will appear nekkid in her next joint, despite what these pics show.

• Lotsa agreeing and tweaking going on for Indy 4 [via the Hole]

• AC Slater EMPLOYED! THIGHMASTER NOT!

• With Puffy & Mario Van Peebles on board Carlito’s Way: Rise To Power will surely sink at the box office this fall

• Top of the Pops flops on BBC2. At least they have the option to watch it as they took it off BBCAmerica ages ago. Damn them!! I so loved watching Pops with my Pops, eating Pops.

• Need a reason to see Royksopp at Webbie Hall in Zeptember besides learning how to say their name? How bout the bubbliciousness of Annie as an opener. [via Vegan]

• Why didn’t they kill off Olivier Castro-Stahl? He was already dead to me

• One Blog Created ‘every second’. And about one in 4zillionth of them is worth reading.

• I’m a fan of maize, not maize mushrooms [via Menymoney]

• Thundercut.com [via RaggaMuffin]

• 200 Amazing Secrets! [via Meta]

• TWS.org, yer #7 result when searching for ‘underwear pictures of ilan mitchell-smith‘

• Semi-related: John Hughes fan fiction

• Ziyi Zhang, credited as Zhang Ziyi, plays Bai Ling, but not that Bai Ling [NSFW], who is sometimes credited as Ling Bai, in 2046, which opens this tweakend in select markets (aka, not Arkansas). I’m so confused, but I’m still in the mood to pour low-sodium soy sauce all over ZZ, who shouldn’t be confused with Cpt Zzzz and his sidekick SnooZZZZZZZZzeworth [sorta-NSFW].