Thighs Wide Shut

J-Rice
Bids the busted a$$ Broncos
and the NFL
A long overdue
Adieu-doo-doo
boo-hoo!

Plain vanilla and pimple simple, he was the greatest WR to ever play the game (although my boy Art Monk is still #1 in my heart). He holds 38 NFL records, appeared in Necessary Roughness, and never seemed to age. Back in the day, he was probably a Fantasy Fooball dynamo, but for the last few years, he was juss another dude who hung out on yer bench alongside such trash as James Thrash, Nick Goings, and Neil Rackers. Sad shiz, but ya gotta give the fella credit for never quitting. You will be missed Jerry.

• Related: Why is Rice-A-Roni called “The San Francisco Treat”?

• Word has it that Rachael Ray in engaged. No links could be found to support this, but I bet the couple’s honeymoon days will have a food budget of $40.

• What’s up with all the pointless f#&king scenes on Ep 2 of Rome? Bring back the unshaved heaven of Ep 1!!! Pe es- if you didn’t know, the dude who plays Lucius Vorenus, played Tommy in Trainspotting. I felt so bad for Tommy Boy cause Rents stole his homemade porno flick which in turn got him dumped which in turn got him hooked on smack which in turn got him some AIDS which in turn got him six feet fumunda my nuts to the grave. Btw, Lucius will appear alongside my man main Rhys Ifans in the new Silence of the Lambs prequel that isn’t Manhunter or Red Dragon, which I almost forgot ever eggsisted.

• What’s up wit dat season finale of Entourage? Could things be tied up any more perfectly? Maybe they should have put a big red ribbon and bow on the closing credits. We the nia peoples demand cliffhangers, like Saigon capping Turtle or Drama getting the role of Aquaman in a rival film directed by Brett Ratner or E being exposed as Huey, Dewey, and Louie’s long last brother. Seriously, he’s a duck.

• This is Craig of The List.org fame

• Brown poo-poos a Second Coming

• Could the next Bond be a bit Turkish?

• The Kid Stays Out of the Picture starring Charly Church’s Pa

• Looking to stalk Lohag The Wurstest The I? Here’s yer 1st clue. Now go getum gumshoes!

• Looking for a snap of Lohag The Wurstest The I snogging Trashee Simpleton? Here’s yer 1st link. Now go get lost you cumrags!

• Looking for some lez ghetro clothing to match yer Agassi Air Tech Challenge IIs? Here’s yer French open invitation. Now go game set matchum you Michael Chang-Gang-Bangers and mashers!

• Definition of miscasting: Frodo as Iggy [via Pinky]

• It’s 1995 all over again as Damon Albarn and (different) co beats out The Brothers Eyebrows to the top slot of the UK singles charts.

• Norman Chad chooses his 2005 team of destiny. Pay the man Shirley.

• Shea Stadium should grace the bottom of every list [via Poon Tang Clan]

• Melinda Clarke scares me

• Live in Boston and live for Kubrick? Yer in luck

• Tore My Anus covers ‘Karma Police’

• The world’s wurstest tATu parody of all thymes and Randy Hymes can be found here

• Jayne Mansfield – A Mountain of a Woman (x72)

• Fiddler’s three word title on his latest post is more genius than Bobby Jones: Stroke of Genius

• Easiest way to get to A to Zed in NYC (and now Boston and DC in Beta versions): HopStop.com

• Can someone lend me 2+ grand so I can mcnabb a Bob Ross original?

• Watch 8 eps of the Cpt Lou Albano TV vehicle Super Mario Bros + other gunk [via I Can’t Do That Dave Bowman]

• Hitachi Animated Craponastick: the official end of ‘bling’ [via Crusiespanko]

• But that’s almost passable compared to this dreadful Sugar Rayish white guy rapping about buying the world a Coke. I wish I could hire Mr Freeze and make this guy chill the fork out! Where’s Jack White’s ditty to save us from rehash hell?

• And whilst we on the tropic of Coke ads… a swhile back we made public love to Nicole ‘Sid’ Vicius after peeping Last Days (very bottom), and someone spunkfully noted in les comments section that Ms Vicius is in fact the Rollergirl of the’Starry Eyed Surprise’ ad. Hopefully her career won’t take the path of Rollergirl #1 [NSFW]… unless of course it includes gettin nekkid in every 3rd movie. Man, I think I’m seeing stars… and more snaps of Heather Graham’s b-day suit [NSFW pt II]!!

Gawd bless my newly minted thigh-in-law Made of Brawn-stein (MoB). For not only does he make my sister happier than me at getting 23 HJs and BJs at a Stanley Kubrick quadruple feature, but he’s a man’s man with a gr8 appetite for life and a huge appetite for food, only sirpassed by the likes of lookalikes Dom DeLuise and Paul Prudhomme. Well, with no training whatsoever, he decided to enter this this past tweakend…

And from what I heard, the competition was more stiff than me watching Heather Kozar (NSFW) taking a bubble bath with Cool-Whip.

Like biggie bigs Badlands Booker

I heard he once ate the state of Montana

And smallie smalls
Sonya ‘The Black Widow’ Thomas

Who couldn’t be beat
with 40 c-cakes downed

But our Jimmy Smits lovin’ BMOC, MoB

Gobbled down 15 in 12 minutes (!!!)
which was the most of any amateur
(and 2.5 less than Top 10
contender Crazy Legs Conti)

Way to go MoB. May the IFOCE be with you!!

For more pics, click here

And although this is not related, I’m a lil bit crabby that Moog forked the peace outtage

Although the exact date is Augusto 22nd, the Family Thighmaster celebrated in lavish style the 40th Annie Verse Airy of our Toni Morrison Beloveded rents this past weekend. And by linda lavish, I mean a non-stop eating egggstravganza (Popeyes AND sadly KFC at Pa’s request, salami and eggs, cheesecake, steaks, movie popcorn, pork chops, more salami, Laffy Taffy, olives, etc), topped off with a performance by our next door neighbor the Dink, some frisbeeingness, row boating, more eating, and the sirprize that would make any parents love their children that much more: watching 8mm videos from the late 60s to the early 80s on a deluxe edition 2-DVD set created (or authored, as we say in the industry that unemployed me) by yers drooly, complete with cheesy music that only my mum would love (John Fogerty, Tom Petty, Kool and the Gang, Frankie Valli, and Cat Stevens… although Mum admitted she can’t stand him… muss be the Yusef Islam shiz bugging her). It was so franztastic to spend the whole weekend wit em, and hear for the 49214956767890th time how they met and fell in love. But all that really matters is that they had sex and created such thumrcredible things, like my siblings, meself, and squash souffle. Ma and Pa, you are the most important, giving, loving, genuine, chillarious, honest, phun, and beautiful twosome I know. Don’t ever change, don’t ever get divorced, and don’t you EVER never never ever die. I’ve already got a spot for you both in a frozen six-pack alongside Walt Disney, Ted Williams, and two boxes of Gorton’s fish sticks.

• Whatta twosome part twosome: Stan Lee & The Best Albino

• Whatta twosome part threesome: Courtney Love & Steve Coogan, are they or aren’t they? Doesn’t take much to see that the realtionship of two little people don’t amount to a hill of Francis beans in this crazy world.

• Related: Weird Names of Music Performer’s Children

• Whattta boresome part onesome: ZzzzZzzz and Zzzzzzzzz go zzzzzing, again

• Whatta more gruesome twosome than Ozzie Newsome and Ozzie Smith: Lohag the I Wurstest I and the answer to the age fold question, what’s got two thumbs and likes to f*ck?, this guy

• Whatta jizzum from a twosome part sweet16teensome: Here/hear t.A.T.u.’s latest jingle ‘All About Us‘. At first it kind o’ sucks wurse than Necco wafers, then when you hear it 7teen more times and the next thing you know, your pants are magically around your ankles. But where’s the Russian-language version that I’m sure sounds much more faux-lesbionic? [via Fid Diddler]

• Casey Affleck turns 30, pees

• Pinder [kinda NSFW] + whatever Celebrity Love Island is = where’s the first boat to whatever Celebrity Love Island is?!

• Me need this. Anyone know where on interwebs one could such interwebbedsthisness?

• The Dandies play CBGB’s Zeptember 14th as a part of CMJ. Think Anton Newcombe will be there? Not even if they were the last Dandies on earth! [via Veggie Boy]

• Travis wants to know what a ‘Wonderwall’ is anyway, but they needn’t bother asking Noel

• Don’t flatter yerself Marky Mark, cause I’m sure Kubrick would rather work with Anthony Michael Hall than you.

• Madness let their roots grow on their new shiz, The Dangermen Sessions Volume One, available in stores Tuesday. So when be US tour??#!??E~#

• Blur – ‘ This Is A Low’ [d-lode]

• North Cacalackers pray for Charlotte Church… maybe cause she’s so G-A-Y

• Peep pics of me and various other peepholes standing in line to see a FREE screening of Stealth. You’ll notice I was all smiles BEFORE I saw the movie. Then…

• Feeping of, free tix for NYCBOSDCCHIers to re-see Master & Commander this week

• See cat jump

• What’s the 36th result when searching for an image of ‘thighs’? The corniest snap you ever did see!

• Why do sitcoms have laugh tracks?

• The guy who invented CTRL-ALT-DEL SPEAKS!! [via Vie King]

• Man’s Testicles Snared In A Padlock For Two Weeks [via Ceffle]

• And recently I Netflixed the brills 9 Academy Award nominated Sydney Pollack joint, They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? It’s about a depression era dance marathon endurance contest, where peoples were so fargin poor that they’d actually endure 40+ days of dancing/slowly moving (with lil to no rest) just to win a couple thous. Some contestants would go insane or literally drop dead. And the mos chilling part of it all is that it really farging happened [a great read for the shitter]! Anywho, the flick starred Jane Fonda, some fella named Gig Young (who won the only statue for Best Supporting Actor), Red Buttons, Bruce Dern, Susannah York, Grampa Al Lewis, and a quite young and fetching Bonnie Bedelia (althoughski her character was preggers and always in pain). I hadn’t thought much of Double B since her days as Holly Gennero McClane, but was purty darn glad to have my memory refreshed (CTRL-‘R’) by her subtle hotness in this fyne piece o’ cinema. Of course the next stop down any memory lane requires a bit of intersleuthing. The results weren’t as grand as I had hoped, but finding some les ghetto olde nakkid snaps of her was mos certainly not a bad thing. I couldn’t find a pictogram of her from Horses, but here’s a nice lil one of her looking as sassssy as ever! MeOWlia Bedelia!!

Mrs. Goodbar had to go and czech out on us, unlike Dunston. Hope she found Mr. G before he found out about her affair with Mr. Pibb.

• England braces for a future filled with a bit of the old ultraviolence. I assume bowler hat sales will also skyrocket.

• Semi-relatedishness: MAD Magazine’s sorta not funny A Clockwork Orange parody AND this

• Yankees fans, still stoopid after all these years

• Potter kids, NOT gay

• Did Shelly ask Leo permission to do this?

• Free screenings for Alba Gets Wet and Unfunny: The Movie

• NSFWishness Randomness [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• And sorry about all the things I said the other day tush, cause you know I still hearts you like mad. Hope you aint pissed and all red like that square in yer home country. So juss raise your hand if you still want to bone me seventween ways from Sunday…

Seriously, what the fork happened? I mean, who wouldn’t want to pimp an Atari phone in their home?

[via The Atari Museum]
• Vincent Chase would make a whorrible Aquaman

• Set snappages from Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette. Early guess review: don’t bother and juss Netflix Barry Lyndon already!! Related: Kubrick’s final film

• Meet the next group of people you’ll loaf to loathe on next season’s 24: him, her, and her. [via Dark Ho]

• Fiery Furnaces announce a bunch o early football season tour dates. They hit up NYC’s Town Hall on the 14th, in the fitting month of ROCKtober.

• Does this have a chance of being better than this? I dunno, cause the 1st one has no relation to Dakota Fanning.

• How come Electric Six released Senor Smoke in the UK this past February, yet it has yet to hit our shores? Either way, feels free to ‘preview’ it here

• Although Thighs has turned his back on MTV’s The Real World, doesn’t mean he’s turned his eyes away from any NSFWness from Austin’s Melinda

• Vote for yer flavorite cover of my mos flavorite magazine, Time Out New York . I’ll tell ya write now that mine isn’t this one of a cow or this one, which is currently in the lead, but I’m teetering tween the first issue I ever got, ‘Tasha, Meg in a cast, The A to the muther stickin G, Pee-Wee, the flick that’s in a 4 way tie for all thymes breastest in my book, and the one that will probably end up getting my vote, Superjew!

• Jessica Biel makes out with a Pringle, and yet she’s still not attractive. [via Predicure]

• Ism gets Spanish Lohag hate mail

• MIDIes galore in the key of Video Games. They won’t let me hot link to them, but here’s a bunch I blazzle dazzled all over: Blades of Steel‘s Victory, Bionic Commando‘s Level 1, Double Dragon‘s Mission 1, Excitebikes‘s Title, Final Fantasy‘s Matoya’s Cave, Goonies II‘s Cyndi LauperGood Enough stizz, Ice Hockey‘s Game, Zelda‘s Overworld, Pro Wrestling‘s Profile, RC Pro-Am’s Title, Rygar‘s Level 1, Mario‘s Starman Dance AND Doo-Dads Doo-Dads Doo-Dads jounks, Tetris A, and duhvs course, Tyson’s Punch-Out‘s BLANK Stole My Bike. [via Pakulashaker]

• Impress none of your friends with this Washington Natty’s lamp

• Pictures from within the NYC subway system [via Data Doubleya]

• Austria Museum Lets Naked People in Free

• Young Boys Wankdorf Erection Relief [SFW via Fark]

• PACERS, GREMLINS, AND MATADORS!

• Dr Zaius is a playa [b wear of sound]

• And with some newly minted free time, oddly enuff not used for blogging, I’ve been revisiting some moooovies. I gave The Village a 2nd chance, and I muss admit, my opinion has warrick dunn a complete 180. This is Shyamalandingdong at his best and probably one of the most beautiful movies of 2004. Too bad I can’t go back and change my year end Best Of list. I also gave some reloveage to Tim Burton’s Batman. While many people have hailed the new C Bale one as the Holy Toledo Batman Grail, I still stand by version 1.0. I mean can you name a better summer blockbuster since 1989? I can’t. And don’t give me any of this Star Wars or Spiderman jazz!! Burton did everything right, especially make Gotham City into a character all its own. Plus it doesn’t hurt that Billy Dee Williams was in it too. And our final trip down memory lame was devoted to the movie that everyone hates, cept for me and my monkey and his fumndacheese: A.I.. Sure it runs a lil on the long side, but where else are you going to get Senor Spielbergo channeling Stanley Kubrick? If it was the other way around, Full Metal Jacket would have ended with Private Pyle and Gunnery Sergeant Hartman hugging. And don’t sleep on my man Haley Joel Omelette!! The kid was purrrrrrrfectly cast as a robot, since he’s actually related to R.O.B., of Gyromite fame. And although he may have lost his boyhood charm, doesn’t mean the kid is down and out. Dude juss signed-on for ‘an independent coming-of-age drama’. Sounds like a snoozefest and 73/1011ths, but after all he gave us, don’t we owe him?