Thighs Wide Shut

Simon Wiesenthal
&
his will to survive
hunting down of Nazi bastards
and his endless crusade to end Anti-Semitism

1908 – 2005
• And in not as importante passing news, we still pause (ok, we’re done being rebels with a pause) and bid adieu to Lenny’s bizatch Honey Bruce Friedman, who was portrayed by MISS TESCHMACHER!!! in the movie, where DUHVS course, she showed a lil skin

• Rumored Gorillaz 5 night gig has now become a reality! The plan this go around is to not hide behind a screen, invite all the guest stars on stage, and let it all out. Sure to be a once (or fifthce) in a lifetime opp. So who wants to get all madchester in Manchester November 1-5? [via NME]

• Not even Gomer Pyle could be Sirprized, Sirprized, Sirprized by this

• Catch some zzzzzzzzzz

• The new kids on the block, dorkmaster Jon Cannon and semi-soylicious Kelly Miyahara, are like the Patrick Ramsey and Mark Brunell’s of Jeopardy!‘s Clue Crew. Somewhere Sofia Lidskog (see bottom of post) breathes a sigh of relief. Somewhere I have my hand down my pants thinking about Sofia Lidskog.

• Me loves the music, but I aint schooled enuff to review albums. Good thing then that Ms Mod purrfectly captured the ins and mainly outs of the Fiery Furnaces and Grandma crack pipe fest ’05 side project. Eeeeeeesh. The disc is the antonym of ‘easy listening’

• The Stanley Kubrick: Inside The Mind of a Visionary Filmmaker eggzibit heads to the Australian Centre for the Moving Image in Melbourne, Rooland starting November 24 til the end of January. Then the damn Romans get it from April on. Cato may actually have to wear underwear if he wants to attend the opening gala.

• CUTHBEST DRIVES!

• Mandy Moore chips in seven points, 29 assists, nine kills, and 28 digs

• TWS.org, one of Six Blogs You Should Be Reading, according to someone else who isn’t my brother-in-law or left hand. I also reveal my flavorite site that isn’t mine or NonUSHotties!

• A review of Twin Peak Fest ’05… Waldo the mynah bird’s blood soaked donuts not included [more pic links here]

• Why2k?

• I think I found a way to cure my un-funemployment blues: watch TV for 69 hours and 49 minutes straight

• Remember Cpt 20/Count Gore De Vol? Well if u aint from DC and waz born after 1985, probably not. Our brother from another smothers, Dick ‘The Dizzle’ Dyszel, has returned to the metropolitan hiz-area complete with his bumpin a$$ DJ service, low-priced mustache rides, and other mustache related hotness. Last week he dropped by the WaPo for a lil chat wit fans. Peep the transcript here [last via Johnny Holla Dollar]

• The Soon To Be Relatively Famous Hooters Employee Handbook

• When I eventually get all married and shiz, the only kitchen item I’ll request on my registry is this [via Del Fiddler]

• Shatner takes on ‘Rocket Man’ [via Shady Akers]

• And to make up for CC the IV’s grateful dreadful outfit at whatever the funk Avenue of the Stars is and her claims that my name is Gavin and that we were lovers in our former lives, please viddy well, oh my brothers…

There be lotsa people out there who’ve been able to compile a list of the Top Ten Bestest Movies of All Time. Howevski, I am not one of those people. The bestest that I can do is tell you what four movies that methinks are tied for #1 of balls thyme. And they is (in no particular order, since they’re all tied): Citizen Kane, Psycho, Trainspotting, and… A Clockwork Orange. If you haven’t seen them, go directly to Netflix and… Netflix them up, or go see Wedding Crashers, since u boviously have no taste! Each of these films represent some different aspect of uber-genius awesomeness cinemaking, but as the days turn into weeks, which somehow bypass months and go straight to years, I keep leaning on Clockwork as the one to rule them all. Hitchcock may be the lord, but Kubrick is king, and Orange is Kubrick’s 100 point game in Hershey, PA. No one in my mind can ever top it… although I’d love to pull my hair out watching Gus van Pretentious try his hand at a shot-by-shot remake of it in B&W.

Sure the themes aren’t easy on the eyes and on the thighs (rape, brainwashing, and even more rape), but who wants easy? I like my celluloid to be challenging, thought-provoking, and as far from fluff as possible. Every time I enter a theater (or sadly turn on the DVD player) I want to be wowed. It’s rarity when it happens, but it does indeed happen. And nothing has enraptured me and never let go of my conscience quite like the Clockwork has, ever since my British friend Paul made me viddy it well back in the 9-5. I was thirsten like Ellen Burstyn for mo so I went out and read Alex Burgess’ novel of the same name. That read made me appreciate Kubrick’s vision all that more and den some, with some dim sum. I could go on and on, but the real purpose for this post is not to masturbate about the work as a whole in words, but to qwikly boast and toast how the Kubester was able to create an incredible dystopian future world using eggisting people, places, and things on a shoestring budget of 2.2 mil… + other useless info

Before Kubrick ever tackled the project, several different ideas were floating around as to how Alex and his Droogs should be cast. At one point girls in miniskirts, old-age pensioners, and even the effin The Rolling Stones were considered. Actually Kubes wasn’t the first to bring it to the screen, Warhol beat em too it 6 years before with his interpretation titled Vinyl. I have yet to see it, and it’s only available on DVD outside of the US, but werd has it that it’s not very good. The opening scene, where there’s a zoom back from the main protagonist, was later aped by Kubrick for the very first scene in his version. After Kubrick, there were a few knockoffs, like the spicy Italian flicks Clockwork Terror (aka Murder In a Blue World) and La Gang dell’Arancia Meccanica. And it was only a matter of time before a porn was born: A Clockwork Orgy [More on Vinyl | More on rip-offs]

Any scene that had an outtake or was cut from the final film was burned at Kubrick’s request. Therefore don’t be looking for an extended DVD anytime soon. However, these two pics survived. One shows the Droogs accosting an old man (who may have been Col Sanders) outside of a library, and the other is of their beloved car, the Durango 95, taking them home after a night of tomfoolery. [More]

Speaking of the Durango 95, it actually was a real car called the Probe 16. Only three were ever made and only two eggist to this day. The third one was rumored to have been burned, and this juss may be it. Maybe Alex should’ve used these hot wheels to impress chicks, not drive to their house and rape them.

Many of the films locations hactually did eggsist (only 4 were built), like the lake where Alex gets personal, the tunnels where old bums deserved to get a beat down, and the Ludivico Centre where Alex gets a tune up. Luckily some bloke created a site showing and telling you about said places and MORE. But I’m sure u already know this since Visit Where They Filmed A Clockwork Orange hasn’t left my ‘Things I Need’ list since it’s inception. Sadly, the Korova Milk Bar was a set, and not a real drinking hole. Even more sadly, some peoples in NYC had the grand idea to open a bar of the same name and it not only does it not capture the hotness of the Milk Bar as it rightly should (see statue below), but it also sucks ass. They are hoping to land investors to open one in Vegas. Good luck wit dat!!

Kube was an artist, and so was his wife Christiane (who appeared in his Paths of Glory). Together they found a bunch of stuff to fill the walls de Clockwork, like the flowery girly works of JH Lynch, the gonzo looking Hydraulic Reference turntables, the dancing Christs and penis sculptures of Herman Makkink, and even some of CK’s own work. Most bestest was the borrowing/stealing of Allen Jones’ women as table and chair sculptures and turning them into the tables at the ole Korova Milk Bar. [More]

Thirsteabag for more? Set aside an hour or so and thumb thru the thumbcredible Malcom McDowell Tribute site, for which most of the above info was thieved from

End of post BONUS: Italian dub version wav files… Pasta | Pesto | Naples | Chef Boyardee

You are now eggzitting a pointless posting…

The greatest sorority known to man, Catherine Omega-Mu-Zeta-Jones-Douglas-MacArthur, and I hath so much in common. We both are T-Mobile whores, we both can do this with our a$$es, and we both love fellow Welshie and current Her Royal Thighness the BREASTEST, Charly Church. Zeta-Tomata hearts her so much that she’s eager to enlist her in her directorial debut of Dylan Thomas’ Under Milk Wood, which was first brought to screen back in 72. Des problem is that she’s so dang worried that leaving for LA LA land will hurt her relationship with current beau and rugby hunk Gavin Henson. Did I mention that I changed my named to Gavin and no one could touch me at Sega Genesis’ Rugby World Cup 95? I say go for it CC the IV!! Hollywurst needs more large breastest Welsh beauties. Just stay away from Michael Douglas, and Louis Farrakhan, who’s speaking at you.

• Faux-gayers t.A.T.u. will be faux-gaying it up at the UK Club G-A-Y this Saturdgay. That’s more gay that sipping Earl Gay Tea with yer pinky sticking out.

• Although she’s now #2321183thrdieth in my heart, Showerpoopa troopa has regained the #1 ranking in tennis. TALK ABOUT REBOUNDIN’!!

• In balls related news: “I love baseballs, do you love the baseballs?“

• In more Borat related news: the following bestness was released in stores yesterday. Gobble gizzile it up peeps… although I’m going the cheap route and waiting for it to match the price I set using Half.com‘s blesseded Wish List

• Back to more hairy balls situation news: Patrick Ramsey should start auctioning off his pubes on eBay cause Brunell will be named Comeback Player of the Year after the Skins go 16-0.

• In one last ball related things: I don’t know jack scalia about Tim McGraw, but his Monday Night Football halftime highlight recap country rhyme-e-shiz was the biggest lode of crap I’ve seen since this

• Andy Rooney may hates a lot of things, but the ‘browmiester surely hearts New Orleans

• SNL needs to stop adding ‘new faces‘ and needs to starts adding ‘new writers’. Or at least send Horatio Sanz packing… on Horatio Hornblower’s first ship outttttttta here

• Is it deja vu or deja boo that the day I lament briefly about Can’t Buy Me Lover Amanda Peterson (but more so about Ami DoleHOTfRUITenz) that someone goes and wonders the same dang thing? I dunno, but in Ami Dolenzerzz related stizz, I want to invent a machine that turns me into Jerry Trimble

• Lynch poo-poos any new Twin Peaks woo-whoness

• I knew Steven Loserbergh was well on his way to killing cinema (ever see Full Frontal? good, so DON’T), but this whole releasing a movie in theaters, DVD, and TV on the SAME DAY is wurstest call since Neville Chamberlain was elected Prime Minister. Peace in our time my a$$!!

• Kubie giving Jack the nod as Napoleon woulda been DYNO-MITE!

• I love Supergrass’ new ditty St Petersburg [video]. I also love that Gaz Combes and Jack Black look sorta similar with beards. And oh, I LOVE mustaches!!

• Pete Tong spankfully returns with a 2-Disc Essential Selection set soon. Trackilisting here

• One of the mos whocares editions of Then & Now

• Jeopardy! contestant searches are headed for LA (DUHVS), NYC, Tampa, Seattle, and Vancouver. Signs up here

• Clear yer calendars cause the Harlem Globetrotters are invading East Rutherford in February. A wise man once wrote, ‘When life hands you Meadowlark Lemon, make Meadowlark Lemonade‘

• Rachel McAdams High School Yearbook Photo… I bet her snap was probably the 6th mos beatoffedable one from that yearbook

• Are Renton, Sick Boy, Spud, Tommy, and Begbie’s ashes really disrupting train service?

• A.C. Slater DOES Rule [via Steve Bartman Hater #6]

• Thighs Wide Open? [sorta SFW]

• Here lies the very first TWS.org Katrina-related link, and it’s amusing, not sad [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Troy’s Mixtape of Love [via Richie Richardson Loves Rice]

• And me have done some serious thinking as of late. Although I am a self-appointed ruler for life, I doubt that I’ll be able to be a Thigh Master for your kids’ kids, so I’ve decided to take on a Padawan. Sio Bibble knows that this could mean only one thing: INVASION!!

No longer can I say ‘Is it football season yet?’
cause it’s
FOOTBALL SEASON
aka
Joe Gibbs Rd 2, Vol II
aka
16-0
and an XL Super Bowl WIN
in Super Bowl XL

not sponsored in part by
XL Recordings, Capital, or Clothing
or Ciatrick Fason
Speaking of autopilot, I feel some morose remorse for these two guys in my third fantasy fooball draft who let the cumputdders do their slim pickens for em. Peyton and Dante are solid #1 picks, but why on earth would a cumputdder in 2005 think that both of these teams would also need to sign SEVEN additional back-up QBs EACH?!??! I mean, has Kyle Bowler been drafted in any draft? Damn, it’s a bit drafty up in herrrrrrrrrrre.

But before we delve into the real sports season-ed fries, lets drop and pop to the hotness that has been the US Thighs Wide Open. Anyone for Tennis? Wouldn’t MSG tickets be NICE, but for now I’ll settle for the Nick Goings on at Arthur Ashe Can Andy Stadium. Did you see the igass that Agassi displayed last noche? He not only won in dramatic fashion (does anyone ever say ‘comedic fashion’? or citarick fason?), but set a record for being the tennis player who mos resembled Ed Kowalczyk for the 2 million billionth time! Way to go you Steffi Graf-Zeppelin worshiper!! Juss remember Andre 2000, I alone love you, fear is not the end of this!

And whatta bout the loverly Tia Maria Sharapovaria? Besides wearing the same outfit day after day as a sign of solidarity with my unemployment movement, she’s been kicking glass all up in Queens Blvd like she was Vinnie Chase in the rain. And she’ll surely provide some grand PM beatoff material this Friday as she faces off groans her moans on like Ryan Moats vs Princess Fiona in the semis. It couldn’t have let me cum at a better time cause her stock as HRT the IIIrd has taken a worser beating than the one the Skins endured vs the Bears in 1940. How has me cum to this? Cause a certain 20 fags a day/newly minted GQ lady of the year has slowly but thighedly becummed the next lady in waiting…

Lettuce all pray that in 10 yrs time, I’m not bowing my dong to Hayley Westenra, the suppose-id next CC

Back to the grill again…

• GORILLAZ TO TOUR in 2007

• The new tATu jounks Dangerous and Moving is neither dangerous nor moving, but when I close my eyes and make bee leave that the two are actually lesbians and are constatly licking each other, it’s probably the single greatest album to ever be released after Genesis’ Invisible Touch. U’ve seen the vid to ‘All About Us’, now hear another track of borscht bliss: ‘Loves Me Not’ [d-lode]

• Ari Gold’s mum wants HRT the I to be his HRT the I

• Saturn goes gay

• Sorry folks, but Rachael Ray is here to rayign and rayin on yer parade for years to come

• Jack Kerouac was keroWACK

• Robocop loves history

• 2001 eggsplained [via Nacogdoches]

• Micro Compact Home

• NSFW [via Tom Wellington]

&

• The Truth About Mike Sushchefski, In Animated Gif Format [via My Man Marvkus]

I’m off to the gay and family beach (no, not the real OC, although I will be watching The OC). So see you Monday.

An Unfinished Life
Another Sweet One From Everyone’s Flavorite Swede
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Lasse Hallström is the master of making sweet movies that never come off being overly schmaltzy. He won us over time and thyme again with such tart lemonade as What’s Eating Gilbert Grape (Leo has never been better), The Cider House Rules (it does RULESzz), The Shipping News (highly underrated), and ABBA: The Movie (bet you 6 nickels you didn’t know he directed that). And L-diddy wins us over once again as he pours on the sugar without having to dilute it with water. What the snorks does that mean? I have no friggadero clue, but I’m trying to sound all cool like EW scribes Lisa Schwarzbaum and Owen Gleiberman. Life is one of those pictures were the characters start off being so distant from each other that by the end, you know everyone will see past their differences and make everything aiiiiight. Although highly predictable in that sense, it is no bother to the viewer cause the journey to the finish line is where the real meat lies. It doesn’t hurt that the journey has some of the best scenic views outside of an IMAX theater and two of Hollywurst’s best actors. Robbie Redford soars as an ole bitter crumedgeon (think a more dexterous Andy Rooney on a farm), who has never gotten over his son’s death, and his bear mangled right hand man Morgan Freebird, who chips in some solid work (is he ever bad?). Also on board for the ride is Redford’s unknown granddaughter (newcomer Becca Gardner), Mr blue-eyed nice guy sheriff (Josh Lucas, who usually makes me want to slit my eyes out), a caring diner owner (that fat chick from the Practice), and J-Lo as Redford’s be-loathed abused daughter-in-law. Wait, which actor in that list sticks out like a sore thumb? That’s right J-Lo, who doesn’t belong in a movie of this caliber. It’s not like she takes away from anything, but she mos def certainly doesn’t add to the ensemble. She juss doesn’t have the gravitas to make us believe that she’s anyone but J-Lo. And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to buy it. I kept waiting for her to run into Ralph Fiennes who’d make her dreams come true and turn this into a real schmaltz fest. I can see it now, Maid In Cheyenne.

Recommended for those who like: Alberto Gonzales & Wolf Blizter’s tastes, Bob Ross paintings, and Bryant Reeves.

Possible Porno Name: An Unfinished Line From Yo Buttcrack To Yer ‘Gina

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Legends of the Fall

2046
The Moody Blues: Days Of Future Past
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Ever have that one true love slip thru your fingertips, never to return, and yer left trying to recapture that magic, with unfulfilling results for the rest of your days? Then you’ll easily empathizes with 2046‘s main protagonist, hack writer Chow Mo Wan (Tony Leung), although I bet you’d do a helluva lot more m-batin’. In this quasi-follow-up to Kar Wai Wong’s masterful In The Mood For Love, we find Chow trying his damndest to finally put his bout of unrequited love to rest. While living in a hotel next to room 2046 (GET IT!), he encounters numerous Asian hotties (I’d love to zig zag my jizz jag all over Ziyi Zhang and bonk my way with Faye Wong) with whom he embarks in various kinds of relationships. They don’t seem to help him get over the hump, although he does get to hump some of them. But what he does get from his experiences with them are literary fodder that he then employs into his science fiction novel about the year and place, 2046, where one can recapture lost memories. The problem is that once you get there, you can never return (welcome to ze Hotel California). Sounds a bit confusing? Well it is. This flick isn’t the most fluid one in a story sense, and raises more eyebrows than it lowers, but yer not likely to see another movie so beautiful and so visually stunning in theaters this year… or years to come for that splatter. If you want to see a real art house film, then this is yer golden ticket. If you want to shut off yer brain, Four Brothers can be found in any theater in a 5 block radius. There’s way more style than substance at play here, but does it really matter when the Asian bitties are so fine that they’ll make forget about yer lost loves and turn yer dong long duck?

Recommended for those who like: LG products, the NSFW anime porn The Pianist, and Asian mustaches

Possible Porno Name: 2046nine

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Code 46

The Brothers Grimm
Where’s The Brotherly Love?
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Poor Terry Gilliam. The man finally lands a budget to fit his scatterbrain imgination, but is forced to play ball with short leash holders the Brothers Weinstein. The result is an uneven flick that yearns to be commercial, yet can’t cause it’s filled with the usual gitty Gilliamisms. The main problem is that those two worlds can never co-exist. If Gilly reaches a mainstream audience, it’s a bleepin miracle. It’s still hard to believe that The Fisher King (41K) and 12 Monkeys (56K) were able to crossover in a country where people like to have everything spelled out for them. To help put people in the seats, Matt Damon and Heath Ledger both chip in admirable work as the storytelling huckster brothers who travel from town to town pretending to rid them of evil spirits. When the two are finally forced into an encounter with a real threat (children, like Lil Red Riding Hood and Gretel, disappearing in the woods) it’s more than their reputation that’s at stake. Sounds kinda like the situation Gilliam is in here in the director’s chair. The critics haven’t been kind to Grimm, but I guess they don’t like to have a lil bit o fun. It’s not even remotely an awful film, but a good film dying to be a great film. Even Scorsese has his off days, but his films are always worth the peepage. Then again, Gangs of New York almost made me ashamed to live in New York. Can’t we all juss live happily ever after? Yeah, maybe if Monica Bluecheese got herself all nekkid and stizz.

Recommended for those who like: Ents, Renaissance Festivals, and Murray Melvin in Barry Lyndon

Possible Porno Name: The Brothers Rimm Jobs

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead

Grizzly Man
Dr Dumblittle
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Everyone knows not to feed bears, hispecially if they’ve seen The Great Outdoors, but does everyone know not to chilly chill wit them? Well, after seeing Werner Herzog’s fascinating doc about one man’s (wacko Timothy Treadwell) obsession with bear life that eventually turns fatal, you’ll probably never want to be near a bear again, let alone the Alaskan wilderness. Since yer clued in early on about TT’s fate, you sit and wonder why a man would risk his life summer after summer just to be around a sleuth of bears. You have so much time to wonder that yer mind starts focusing in on other topics like what’s the deal with his voice and why is he sporting a Prince Valiant haircut? His friends and family paint a pretty good portrait of this misguided man with a heart of honey, but no one does a better job than the man himself, who left behind a wealth of self-videotaped monologues from his time in the last frontier state. I bet if he ever met the blue fairy, he’d wish he could turn himself into Christopher Robin, and pal around with Winnie the Pooh all day long in Hundred Acre Woods. Sadly for TT, nice bears like Winnie aren’t real (sorry folks). They also don’t care if you like them or want to help them cause they look at you they way we look at a cow… unless of course yer Indian… not to be confused with dem Native American Indians, who I’m sure love milk, flank steaks, and Polly-O String Cheese.

Recommended for those who like: Kodiak snuff, Woody Boyd, and the Great Alaskan Shootout

Possible Porno Name: Grizzly Man Tits

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Fox And The Hound

Sequins
aka Snooooozequins
View Trailer

What happens in this movie? Well, some pregnant French chick who works at a grocery store is hiding the fact that she’s preggers. Why? I have no forking clue. Maybe cause she’s a lame-o who doesn’t want to bring a baby into a world where she’s a lame-o. Anywho, she’s pretty good at sewing shit, so guess what do she does? She quits her job at the store to work for a seamstress, who’s son had died cause WE DON’T CARE WHY! OH SNAP!!! Somehow working for this lady and sewing shit changes her mind about her baby and then Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. To recap, this is what happened: Absoposospazotively NADA. This is probably the most pointless movie I have ever not paid to see. The people who paid for it (my rents) disagree with me. However, they could not come up with a good enuff eggsplanation as to why it was good, besides having nice cinematography. If this movie were in English it would have aired in the 80s as an afternoon TV special. Someone contact Homeland Security cause the real terrorists are the people who sneaked this boring garbage into our country.

Recommended for those who like: watching wet paint dry, being the thimble in Monopoly, and the redhead from tATu, in her frumpy days

Possible Porno Name: Sequins: Small Shiny Ornamental Dicks

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Morvern Callar