Thighs Wide Shut

Step Brothers
Sibling Laff Riotry
Trailers & Mo

Step Brothers may not have a strong plot, or even a grand premise to lean on, but that matters little when Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly partner up to play roles tailor-made for them: overgrown man-children acting like a bunch of buffoons scene after scene. The results are (obviously) high-larious and it makes us wonder why it took so long for someone to write a script that perfectly caters to their talents. Ferrel’s in particular have been wasted on mostly un-funny sports comedies for the past few years, although someone hit the head on the nail by casting him as the lead in the little seen drama Stranger Than Fiction (maybe he can succeed where Jim Carey has been unable to, although Carey is fantastic as a dramatic actor, but we guess the public doesn’t agree). Anywho, Ferrell and Reilly play Brennan and Dale, two unemployable, ironic t-shirt wearing spoiled brats who have yet to leave the nest (think Failure To Launch, with actual humor and no horseface). When their single parents (Mary Steenburgen and Richard Jenkins, nicely playing the straightmen here) marry and the foursome start a new life together in one house, the two handfuls get even more outta hand…fuls. At first, the newly minted step-brothers are at odds with one another, but then they realize they have a lot in common and become the BFFs they’ve always needed. You can imagine where it goes from here (he fixes the cable?), but like we said, who give’s a ratso rizzo‘s ass when hilarity ensues. As of now, this is not only the funniest movie of the summer, but also one of the funniest Judd Apatow-related (he’s a producer here) flicks we’ve seen. No big siprize, considering it’s only 90ish minutes and not two hours, although you still get stuck with Seth Rogen

Stepping Out: we never watched a single episode of the Patrick Duffy-Suzanne Somers shitcom Step By Step, but maybe we should have considering how superfly Christine Lakin is

yeah, we know this has nothing to do with anything
but she is a nice

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

American Teen
Reality Check This Out
Trailers & Mo

Hannah, Mitch, Megan, Jake and Colin. They may not have lives as wonderful and glamorous as Lauren, Audrina, Brody, Heidi and Spencer, but they certainly have ones that are more steeped in a reality more common to us plebeians than what’s on display in the plastic universe of The Hills. So who the hell are these kids that we juss mentioned and why should you be watching their problems instead of Lauren’s tough ones like which hot guy should she lead on? They be five high school seniors, who run the stereotype gamut from queen bee-atch to jock to arty outsider to straight-up dorkus malorkus (complete with grodier to the max skins issues worser than Noriega and Norv Turner‘s faces combined), living and learning it up and down in their final year before they escape the Warsaw, Indiana ghetto and head off to college. Documentarian Nanette Burstein (co-director of The Kid Stays in the Picture)’s candid look (minus any drugs or alcohol) at their lives inside and outside the school’s hallways is so darn natural and sincere that it almost feels like it was manufactured in Hollywood, complete with a script by John Hughes (see ‘Poster Haste’ below). High school is such an awful and awkward place to be, even for those of us who had a gay olde thyme, but being reminded of all the bullsheet that comes along with it sure makes us glad that we don’t ever have to go back there (although the day ending at 3 could be worth a return trip). While each kid gets their fair share of screen time, the real star here is Ms Hannah Bailey. She’s the one most eager to leave John Mellencamp’s ‘Small Town’ life (and boy is it ever, with purty much zero minorities/diversity) behind for good and you’ll not only be rooting her on, but probably falling in love with her too. Hey Hannah, if yer reading this, will you marry us me? If not, we’d totally settle for dreamy Mitch

Poster Haste: in our mumble opinion, American Teen has juss sirpassed Soderbergh’s The Good German as bestest poster homage of balls thyme

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Baghead
Paper Thin
Trailers & Mo

A man with a bag over his head roaming the deep and dark woods. That image is sum SCARRRRRRRRRRRRRRY stuff indeed, but the possible chills and thrills (and recycling lessons) that come with it are improperly used when in the hands of the Mumblecore Duplass brothers. Their latest low adventure in lo-budget-fi, which finds four struggling actors holed up in a cabin fleshing out a script about a bag-headed killer that may or may not becoming to life before their very own eyes (and poor ab-libbing skills), can’t decide whether it wants to be a comical Blair Witch Project or a nightmarish Swingers. Turn
s out it’s juss a poorman’s hybrid of the two. Enter the theater if you dare, but we recommend you put a bag over yer heard sans holes cut out

Rajun Cajun: the brothers Duplass were inspired in part by the New Orleans Saints fans who wore brown paper bags over their heads during the 1980 season when they went 1-15. the whole trend (along with the name ‘Aints’) was created by late local sports commentator legend Buddy Diliberto, who once said he’d wear a dress if the Saints ever won the Super Bowl

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Tell No One
(Ne Le Dis à Personne)
French Dip In The Lake
Trailers & Mo

A man (François Cluzet, who looks like a French Dustin Hoffman) and his wife (Diving Bell and the Butterfly honey Marie-Josée Croze) go skinny dipping in a lake late one night. The woman gets out of the water, screams and disappears. The man attempts to come to her rescue but is knocked out cold. Eight years pass and the man is trying his best to move on in life without his wife. Then, two bodies are dug up around the same lake where all the shiz went down and old wounds suddenly become fresh again. The man becomes a suspect and at the same time receives a cryptic email that leads him to believe that his wife may actually be alive. So now he’s on the run (including the best freeway film version of Frogger since Bowinger), not only trying to prove his innocence, but trying to figure out if his wife still breathes. It’s a solid lil mystery that does slow down a bit here and there, but when the final enigma is unraveled, you’ll still be putting the pieces together well after you’ve left the theater. It’s no Vertigo, but you should still vertigo see it

Mental Rental: if you enjoyed this lil French fry, try With a Friend Like Harry... on for thighs

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Brothers opens EVERYWHERE today, while Teen and Baghead join Tell No One in limited release

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Boy A
The Pity of Lost Children
Trailers & Mo

As a young kid, Jack Burridge (a pleasure to meet you Andrew Garfield) did a very bad deed and had to pay his dues in prison. Now he’s of an adult age with a new identity and released to a world he knows little about, or at least how to act in it, considering his formative years were spent behind bars. The learning curve for this sweet, yet highly guarded and tortured soul is mighty steep, but with the help of his passionately devoted counselor (cpt o’ bestness, Peter Mullan) he’s got a job, a place to live, and more importantly, someone to lean on with all these growing pains (sadly, none involving Boner Stabone). Watching him trying to fit in with new mates (drinks and ecstasy don’t mix well, especially if you’ve never done either) and wooing someone to mate with (he tells a girl he just met that he’s in love with her) is some of the mos heartbreaking shiz we’ve seen all year. Eventually he starts to gain some confidence and begins the arduous task of putting his troubled past behind him, but will he truly ever be free of his past? That’s a question that’s almos as franztastic as the movie itself! Although the title of this film perfectly suits the action within (it’s the name given to children criminals as to help conceal their identities), they could have easily retitled it Boy A+

Boy A to Girl A: according to wikipediaaaa, the film/book may have been inspired by the cases of Sakakibara Seito, Mary Bell and the murderers of James Bulger

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Brideshead Revisited
Rite-Styles of the Rich and Infamous
Trailers & Mo

Did we fall asleep watching Atonement [review] and wake-up a year later watching Brideshead Revisited? Sure feels like it, with both high-brow films featuring pre-World War bratty rich kids (chameleon supreme Ben Whishaw and cutie supreme Hayley Atwell) running around some grandiose English countryside estate and falling in love (yes, both the sister AND brother) with a dashing commoner (dependable Matthew Goode), who in turn hits a roadblock when a dismayed member of the family (an underused Emma Thompson) intervenes and casts him off. Atonement‘s lovers were torn apart by lies and war, Brideshead‘s by a family’s deep devotion to Catholicism butting heads with an atheist. Sounds like Atonement would be the more scrumptious of the two, since religion is about as sexy as the ancient booer, but it turns out that Brideshead is better food for thought, since Atonement was nuttin but pining, so much so that in belonged in a pine forest instead of a theater. Brideshead Revisited is the second adaptation of Evelyn Waugh’s book. The first was an 11-part TV mini-series starring Jeremy Irons and this film attempts to cram the same amount of material into 2 sprawling hours. At times it feels a bit choppy and not fully fleshed out, but we’ll take a Cliff Notes version over 659 minutes of Jeremy’s Iron

Revisited Revised: the film has seen its share of casts come and go, including the likes of Jude Law, Paul Bettany, Jennifer Connely and our boy (in name only) Benedict Cumberbatch flirting with the roles

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

WALL·E
Environmentally Sound
Trailers & Mo

The first 30 minutes of Pixar’s WALL·E, where our nuts and bolts title hero roams a desolate and deserted Earth, is a bona fide masterpiece. It ventures into a world of gloom and doom not usually seen in cartoons aimed at kids (well, since Dr Seuss’ The Lorax), and it’s all visually, as well as mentally stunning stuffs. But then our lonely robot trash collecting pal finds love with an iPod girl robot and then himself in a spaceship with obese lazy humans and an eco-friendly tale to spiel, and that’s where the film’s jets lose a lot of its propulsion. WALL·E goes from brilliant one-man band to background player with a troupe of characters that are not even remotely as interesting as he is. Obviously they have to cute this thing up to keep the kiddies in their seats, but imagine what this coulda been had they left WALL·E alone, with a whole extra hour of wonder and discovery (and him saying his name over and over, which is way cooler than the way his iOuttaTuned girlfriend sez it)? It woulda been something to not only write home about, but phone home too

Jedi Mind Tricks: WALL·E‘s sound effects and robot voices were created by big audio dynmo Ben Burtt. Burtt was a former Skywalker Ranch-hand, creating the ‘voice’ of R2-D2, the heavy breathing of Darth Vader, the hum of the lightsaber, and least importantly, the silence of Ebenn Q3 Baobab in Episode I

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Man On Wire
Towers of Power
Trailers & Mo

We live in a post-9/11 world where the Twin Towers are now a symbol of man’s frowning achievement. That wasn’t always the case, and Man On Wire helps us to remember a time when the buildings inspired only awe, and wasn’t partnered with the bombastic word ‘shock’. We saw this hamazin’ doc about high wire walker Philippe Petit’s endless preparation and goosebump-inducing execution of his walk between the towers months ago at the Thighbecca Film Festival, and it’s awe has yet to leave our minds. It’s finally hitting theaters and this is one death-defying act you gotta see to believe

Run For Cover: peep New Yorker magazine’s clever 5th annie verse airy of 9/11 cover featuring Petit

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Boy A opens in NY only today, Brideshead and Man On Wire open on Friday in limited release and WALL·E, hell, you’ve probably already seen it so we don’t need to remind you that it’s playing at a theater new Jews

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Garden Party
Amateur Hour… and a Half
Trailers & Mo

Thank Jeebus that Ricky Nelson‘s deceased, cause we don’t think he’d wanna live in a world where a film named after one of his hit songs sucks so darn much (we’re also curious if he’d wanna live in a world where his sons’ Matt & Gunnar have prettier hair than most women). Sometimes a movie can get by with C-list material if the cast is up to the challenge, but when the cast is straight off the F-list (the only recognizable faces are Marissa Cooper’s sister, the Eyes Wide Shut whore, and that dude with the brows bushier than Bert of Ernie fame) you’ll end up with something that’s not even passable as a straight-to-DVD product. Garden Party‘s snoozingly follows the lives of an artist, a wandering musician, a jail bait teen, a not so secretly gay guy who secretly wants to dance, a real estate mogul who sweetens her deals with pot, and a dude who takes pictures of naked chicks for the internets. And what do they all have in common? Well, besides a lot of wooden acting, they all are a bunch of lost souls traipsing around the city of lost souls, Los Angeles (WOW, what a novel idea!). Most of the characters will eventually cross paths, but you won’t care, cause all these roads lead to nowhere. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Native Grima Wormtongue: Brad Dourif + Joni Dourif = daughter Fiona. yikes!

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Eight Miles High!
(Das Wilde Leben)
Exile On Lame Street
Trailers & Mo

How could a biopic about a ’60s German sex symbol, who had flings with revolutionaries, some crazy adventurer with a mustache, Hendrix, Mick and Keef (above, Alexander Scheer, who gives Johnny Depp a run for his money as bestest Richards impersonator) be so uninteresting? Did we mention that there are at least 8 scenes of NSFWedness and yet it’s still a bore fest and 101/102ths? Beyond sum beautiful scenery and decent future JO material for home spewing, there’s little to recommend about the life and grinds of Uschi Obermaier put on display in this film. Then again, whatta ya expect when the people Obermaier were banging are more worthy of exploration than she is. There’s no discernible tale to tell here, juss a bunch of floating from one bed to the next that always resulted with the last man deep in a pile of jealousy. Perhaps a documentary woulda been a better route to go, and put some meaning into all this meaningless sex

Almost Famous: peep real snaps of Uschi, inlcuding ones with Mick AND Keef!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Edge of Heaven
(Auf der anderen Seite)
ALMOST Heaven
Trailers & Mo

Two characters die in The Edge of Heaven, and believe it or snot, we’re not ruining a thing for you. Hell, the movie itself plays the spoiler when it splits the events into three acts via title cards, with the first two declaring the deaths right at the beginning. And even though we know the predetermined fate of these victims, it still comes as a great shock when the deeds eventually occur. Everything surrounding the events, leading up to and after, are all bits of inspired filmmaking, which comes across in a mos lovely gentle and quiet kinda way. Heaven examines the disconnection and reconnection between fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, and where you live and where you come from (this film shuttles back and forth between Germany and Turkey). We read somewhere that this Heaven was kinda like a mini-Babel and we’d have to agree with that fact, cept you’ll walk outta the theater with a little more faith in humanity instead of dread

Gotta Have Faith: Faith Akin is one of a dozen or so directors to lend his talents to the NY version of Paris, je t’aime. We have a stinkin suspicion that his short will probably be a bit better than Zach Braff’s

Verdictgo: it’s a fine fine movie, but a lil too long for its own good so Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Garden and Miles open today in limited release, where Heaven has been for awhile. And for some reason, the gripping Roman Polanski doc that was on HBO is now playing in select theaters as well

Rental Round-Up Dawg:

It goes without spraying that if you’ve haven’t seen season one of Mad Men you should stop what yer doing and right that wrong immediately, hispecially before season 2 kicks off on July 27th. And this isn’t a ‘Netflix-it’ kinda series, but one to own, hispecially (pt ii) since it comes in a nifty jumbo Zippo cigarette lighter case! And for those of us who’ve already seen season 1, the new set it a grand way to get our Joan moan jones over and over, or at least until our palms turn hairy

Stop-Loss and Vantage Point were mostly hosed by critics and ignored at the box office, and dat’s a crying shame, considering they both woulda been a lot of fun to see on the big screen. Stop Loss was one of the more watchable Iraqi War flicks we’ve seen of late, mainly cause the action happens at home, and it was also a good warm-up to peep Channing Tatum in uniform, a summer before he brings GI Joe’s Duke to life. Vantage Point is very hammy and repetitive, but it also has kick glass action and William Hurt in probably his least annoying role of the past few years

Maybe yer looking to warm yer heart a bit, well try Papillon or The Year My Parents Went on Vacation on for thighs. Papillon‘s the unbelievable true tale of a French prisoner (Steve McQueen) endlessly trying to escape (with the help of Dustin Hoffman, rawking the bestest set of screen specs mt EVERest). This would be a good one to watch with the fellas. A lil more on the ‘softer’ side, Vacation is about a Brazilian boy whose parents leave him with his grandpa for a year as they hide out from the gov-mint. Turns out gramps is dead and the community ends up looking after the kid. It’s a nice lil foreign flick that has the added bonus of Brazilian World Cup madness thrown into the mix

And last, but certainly not yeast is Joe Strummer: The Future Is Unwritten [TWS review]. Are you a fan of the Clash? It’s a rhetorical question cause you knows they rule the school and if you disagree, go eat a dick or go on and continue to listen to Maroon 5 or whatevsdotorg. Anywho, director Julian Temple tackled the Sex Pistols on his last doc and gives the Clashman the same royal treatment here in the rip roaring musssssssss see. The DVD has 90+ more minutes of interviews from fans and loved ones. is a nice

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Trumbo
House Un Very-American Activities Committee
Trailers & Mo

In the entire history of the Academy Awards, only once did a fake person win an Oscar (although there have been a total of 5 faux peeps nominated, most recently the Coen Bros’ boy Roderick Jaynes). The winner in question was Robert Rich and it was for writing 1965’s The Brave One. Rich actually existed (he was the producer of the film’s nephew), but his name was used as a front for celebrated writer Dalton Trumbo (perhaps best known for his novel Johnny Got His Gun). Trumbo is one of the infamous Hollywood Ten who were blacklisted in 1947 for defiantly refusing to give up any information to the House Un-American Activities Committee determined to rid the motion picture industry of Communist influence. Through his compassionate and witty letters to fellow blacklisted friends (and even one he sent to the telephone company), read allowed by such talents as David Strathairn, Brian Dennehy, Paul Giamatti and Michael Douglas, mixed with yer usual talking head interviews and archival footage and photos, this udderly compelling documentary chronicles the period that followed, where he struggled to keep his family fed by writing film screenplays under numerous pseudonyms. Eventually, with the help of a few big time filmmakers who wanted to give credit where credit was do, the barriers started to break down and Trumbo no longer had to hide behind a different name, but the damage had already been done. You have to admire Trumbo who stuck by his belief in free speech and certainly knew his write from his wrong

Blacklist Cinema: czech out the Woody Allen-Zero Mostel flick The Front, which was put together by people affected by the blacklist, including its screenwriter, Walter Bernstein, its director, Martin Ritt, and even Mostel himself

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Gunnin’ for That #1 Spot
Hoop Realities
Trailers & Mo

Kevin Love, Michael Beasley, Jerryd Bayless and Donte’ Greene are four names purty familiar with anyone who follows basketball these days, hispecially after they were all taken in the first round of the NBA’s 2008 draft. That wasn’t always the case, unless your some crazy diehard guy who makes a living detailing the prospects of adolescents. Once upon a time, 2006 to be exact, them four + 20 other high school ballers from across the country (three others were also drafted) convened at Harlem’s famed Rucker Park for the first annual Elite 24 Hoops Classic. Adam Yauch, better known as Beastie Boy MCA, decided to document the event and profiled 8 of the players (the four mentioned above + Dukie Kyle Singler and three guys still in high school). The cinematography is delicious, the soundtrack is slammin and it’s all around a kinetic piece of work that is sure to appeal to a very wide audience. The doc works overtime by raising some valid questions about the media and overhyping of tomorrow’s stars, but we kinda wish it delved a little deeper than it did. Nonetheless, this is a good sign of things to come from Yauch, who honed his skills as his alter ego Nathaniel Hörnblowér, the music video director, according to mvdbase.com, of 18 Beastie Boys videos + their own concert film Awesome, I Fuckin’ Shot That!. And since you’re dying to know, our personal flavorite Hörnblowér vids are the animated versh of ‘Shadrach’ and the fish-eye bestness of ‘Shake Your Rump’

Tomorrow Comes Today: the third annual game is set for August 22nd. see you there

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Last Mistress
(Une Vieille Maîtresse)
Charmed & Dangerous Liaisons
Trailers & Mo

The Last Mistress, Catherine Breillat’s adaptation of the scandalous 19th-century novel by a French dude with a really French name (Jules Amédée Barbey d’Aurevilly), centers around Asia Argento as a decade-long f&ck-buddy to a libertine dandy (newcomer Fu’ad Ait Aattou, with lips mo puffy than Liv Tyler and Angelina Jolie’s combined), who’s supposedly ready to leave that life and lust behind and start a new one with a virginal aristocrat (see ‘Put On The Green Light’ below). Asia won’t let him go easily, and time and time again, he finds himself right where be belongs: between her thighs. Their love knows no bounds, from literally licking their wounds to banging right next to the funeral pyre of their dead baby, and we dare you to not drop your pants watching what has gots to be one of the steamiest and sultry flicks to fog up screens this summer. What was particularly impressive about Mistress is that it’s the first film we’ve seen this year to perfectly meld Argento’s limited acting talent with her luscious other talents (read: hamazing body we pray to every night). The again, it’s not much of a challenge when her other two films were were the sloppy Boarding Gate and the silly Mother of Tears

Put On The Green Light: we want to French kiss all of Roxane Mesquida‘s public and private parts

[peep her NSFWness in French Playboy and filmjizzdom]

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Finding Amanda
Some Things Are Better Off Lost
Trailers & Mo

Raise yer hand out there if you’re ready for Matthew Broderick to leave behind his current typecast of hateable loser, which was kick-started to a tee with Election, and return to the glory days of lovable schmoe that seemed to rule the 80s. We can’t see your hands, but we’ll assume you agree with us that enuff is enuff and if so, then you can pass on Finding Amanda. In the film, Brods is a gambler with a wife (cutie mgcee Maura Tierney in yet another nothing role) that wants him to stop gambling and he wants to make his wife happy, but he can’t stop gambling. Anywho, his wife’s niece has become a Vegas prostitute (Brittany Snow channeling Mandy Moore’s character from American Dreamzzzzzzzzzzzzzz) and someone needs to FIND her and get her a$$ to rehab or something. Horseface’s hubby volunteers himself and the guy who shouldn’t be gambling is off to the mecca of gambling. Stuff happens, stupid stuff happens, Steve Coogan doesn’t make anything happen, nothing happens, a lil more happens than what happens in The Happening, and before you know it, Ferris wises up and the credits roll. Bueller needs a day on!

Name We Want To Smoke Out Of: Jenni Blong, who’s supposedly the girl with the monkey in that Capital One ad

Verdictgo: Very Very Very Little Merit But No Stinkin Badges

(on) all four(s) films open today in limited release

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Love Guru
Karma Chameleon
Trailers & Mo

After many years of hiding his face with Shrekdumb, Mike Myers has finally returned to the absurd character comedic formula that had worked to great effect in the past with Wayne’s World and Austin Powers… which also quickly wore out its welcome in the respective sequels. Some have welcomed this hiatus ending with open arms, while it seems most others have the knives out and are ready to root against him. We fall somewhere inbetwixt, and despite the ad nauseous marketing campaign and eye-rolling trailers, we were willing to give Myers the benefit of the doubt, juss as long as he tried his darndest to make us laff. And try he certainly does. Yes, there are a TON of flat jokes in The Love Guru that are beyond sophomoric that they border on freshmanomoric, hispecially anytime we have to read a book title or when Myers laffs at his own jokes, BUT there are numerous ones that do indeedy-do hit the mark and, against our better judgment, made us LOL. Myers’ character Guru Pitka may not be as endearing as Wayne or Austin, and the story about helping a slumping hockey player (Weeds‘ Conrad) mend his broken heart doesn’t really have a point other than displaying how much MM hearts the Maple Leafs, and Jessica Alba doesn’t show off her ass… ets and Meagan Good doesn’t wear a Hooters outfit, yet somehow, The Love Guru is not awful, or at least not as awful as you think it would be. The same can’t be said for Zohan. So go ahead, mess with this mess instead of that one

Wonderkind: have you seen that clip of Mike Meyers’ huge face superimposed over the face of a lil kid? well turns out the kid underneath is Trevor Heins, aka the highlarious ‘Beat Kids’ reporter on Wonder Showzen

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Expired
A Match Meter Maid In Hell
Trailers & Mo

Samantha Morton is the queen of playing shy and vulnerable leading ladies (see her performance in Woody’s Sweet and Lowdown), and while Jason Patric may not be considered the king (cause he doesn’t get as much work as he should, probably cause all the jerkoff parts go to the uber-annoying Aaron Eckhart), he’s certainly royalty when it comes to playing an asshole (czech him out in Your Friends & Neighbors). The two were purrrfectly cast in just such roles in Expired, an offbeat and very heartbreakingly hilarious lil flick about tough love and a lot of expired meters. Morton’s a lonely meter maid by day, who tends to her sick mom (Teri Garr, who does double duty as Morton’s selfish aunt) at night. Patric is a traffic cop with a heart of coal and a flawsome Ditka mustache. Besides a similar occupation, the two have about as much in common as George W Bush and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, but these opposites attract, no matter how many times Patric insults her with his misguided compliments. Will they live happily ever after? Guess you’ll have to see the film to get the answer, but a better question would be, regardless if they’re together or not, are they even capable of being happy period?

Maid In The Shade: nobody dances around a pole, a parking meter one at that, better than Australia’s Surfers Paradise Meter Maids

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Kit Kittredge: An American Girl
A Starter Kit With Missing Pieces
Trailers & Mo

Kit Kittredge is the fourth movie based off of the Americal Girl dolls/books/super money making machine franchise that chronicles 9 year-old girls growing up during key eras of American history. The first three flicks were made for TV, and this frills and brain free depression era adventure, starring Abigail Breslin in the title role, woulda been better off had it too hit up the smaller screens instead of the big one. Although not a Disney movie, this baby surely feels like one as it’s about as complex and risque as an Air Bud flick. Not even throwing in such adults as Stanley Tucci, Wallace Shawn, Julia Ormond, Joan Cusack, Glenne Headly and Jane Krakowski can bring any sense enjoyment to this blah-ze affair. Granite, we aint no 9 year-old girl who loves scary dolls that can be found in Norman Bates’ house, so this movie wasn’t made with us in mind. For those with daughters out there, we sympathize with you cause there aint many options out there during the summer of male dominated popcorn pleasers. While Kit may not be a riveting piece of cinema by any stretch of the imaginasian, you could probably do no worse than bring your girl to this. At least Kit’s a role model and not a troll model

KITTsch: how to go about making yer own KITT car

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Guru is playing at a theater near Jews, while Expired & Kit open today in limited release

Rental Round-Up Dawg:

Corey Feldman’s big screen debut, McDonalds employees rocking those sweet green unis, Mary Steenburgen in love with a time traveler that isn’t Doc Brown, the Murder She Wrote font, Exorcist IV and HG Wells hunting down his friend Jack The Ripper. What one movie could contain all of this amazingness? Time After Time. Isn’t it time you watched it?

The Onion Movie is like a poor man’s Kentucky Fried Movie, so in terms of the sketchy spoof genre, it shoulda been called Kennedy Fried Movie. There be some good bits, like the Britney Spearsishish singer and Steven Seagal as Cockpuncher, but the rest of the gags are either clever, but not funny or juss plain not funny. Yer better off watching Fox’s other never released laff riot Idiocracy instead

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…