Thighs Wide Shut

Easy Virtue
Noël Coward
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

A dashing young Englishman (Ben Barnes, being a little less wooden here than he was playing Narnia’s Prince Caspian) is swept off his feet by a brash, independent American (Jessica Biel, not proving too much in a blond wig with dyed hair), and after a whirlwind marriage, it’s off to meet his snooty family (buttoned-up Kristin Scott Thomas, permadrunk Colin Firth, and nosy sisters Katherine Parkinson and Kimberley Nixon… more on her below) at their vast countryside estate. It quickly becomes apparent that the American aint too fond of the fam’s quaint uppercrustednessness (cept she does take to black sheep Firth) and in return, they aint too fond of her truth, justice and American ways (cept for Firth, duhvs course), and so a bunch of misbehaving rolls out and a comedy of manners ensues. Sound familiar? Yeah, it’s purty much the set-up for like 50% of all British movies involving Americans, and this one is 51% fun and 49% run of the mill. Based off of a Noël Coward play, writer/director Stephan Elliott (The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert) keeps the affair light and breezy, while the witty one-liners pop out to little or no effect on the audience’s end. Most of the chuckles are served up by the manor’s manservant, played with much reserved verve by Kris Marshall (the dude in Love Actually who went to America to have threesome with Ivana Milicevic, January Jones, and Elisha Cuthbert & also seen in the beyond thighlarious Death At A Funeral), who in our humboldt opinion, deserves a break out role a little bit more than Timberlake’s ladyfriend does. Easy Virtue is certainly easy on the eyes, with it’s lush green settings and dainty flapper wardrobes, but had it been a lil bit more difficult, it also might have been a lot more virtuous

Welsh’s Great Juice: there may only be 50 women in all of Wales, but we’d have to agree that cutie pie mcgee Kimberley Nixon is probably the top of them hots! can’t wait to see her in Cherrybomb, where she pops Ron Weasley’s cherry!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

New World Order
Paranoid Park Rangers
Official Website + Trailer

The sky is falling, the sky is falling! That’s what many a conspiracy theorists are saying, claiming that there’s a… NEW WORLD ORDER at hand, pulling all the strings (juss like Bela said) behind the scenes, and yet, not that many people are listening to them. Luke Meyer & Andrew Neel‘s thighopening and fascinating doc introduces us to a handful of these American truth seekers and a lil bit about their causes (ringleader and entertaining radio loudmouth Alex Jones, 9/11 disbelievers Luke Rudkowski and newish convert Seth Jackson, and Jack McLamb, a former cop who lives in fear with guns up in the mountains). The film plays fair by showing them on and off their soapboxes, which makes ’em look like half whack jobs, and half juss regular concerned citizens who demand answers. New World Order raises a lot of valid questions, and you might also start demanding some of dem answers yerself. That’s a hella lot more useful than Mel & Julia’s Conspiracy Theory ever twas

JF-KO-ed: no one questions authority like Oliver Stone does, so there muss be no better place for conspiracy theorists to vacay other than Oliver Stoneland (this never gets old)

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Virtue opens today in NY & LA, while New World Order causes disorder in NY only, but will air on IFC next Tuesday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Summer Hours
(L’heure d’été)
House As A Life
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Home is where the heart is. And in France, the same is true, whether yer a homme or a femme. Sorry if you found that femme line fatale, but we can never pass up playing on words, and if you can’t deal with it you should call the men in white lab coats of paint to grab us and send us to the punitentiary (how dare that guy waste that url with such pun-k a$$ sh&t!!!). Speaking of France, it’s the place where the naked ladies dance, but you won’t find any of them birthday suited dames (including Judi Dench) in Olivier Assayas‘ udderly delightful Summer Hours. Making a clean break from his demonic gated international globetrotting, Frenchie Assayas goes where his heart is… home. His tale revolves around three siblings (Juliette Binoche, Charles Berling and Jérémie Renier, who should not be confused with Jeremy Renner) as they figure out what to do with their family’s summer home now that mum’s (Edith Scob…. don’t worry, she has a face… this time!) passed on, and only one of them still lives in the country. The extra money from the sale of the estate and the family’s fine collection of art, some painted by their beloved uncle, would certainly be nice, but what price can you put on family memories, and what do you lose, generational-wise, if you sell these items that have attached sentimental value? This is a question we all may be forced to face at some point in our lives, and after the raucous teenybopper party at the château quiets down at the film’s conclusion, you’ll probably have found the answer of what you would do

Julia Childish: no one appreciates fine French food quite like Lane Meyer’s mom does

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Summer Hours opens today only in (a) NY (minute)

and why wouldn’t you want to see a movie that’s directed by the same guy that made this poster possible?

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Management
Not So Silky Smooth Stalkings
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Had Norman Bates’ parents never died maybe his life woulda turned out a lot like Steve Zahn‘s puppy dog, un-housebroken (is the term ‘housefixed‘?) character Mike, in the frivolous, but fun motor lodge romantic comedy Management. Zahn’s parents’ (Margo Martindale & Fred Ward) are very much alive, although he isn’t exactly all that well. He’s no loony, but he is toony, and juss waiting to discover his special purpose in life, besides being a hapless nightwatchman. He’s kinda like a modern day Navin R Johnson, yet with a bit more street cents (two pennies is still more than a penny). Instead of peepin at showering girls and then offing them dressed as mumsy, Zahn has his own brand of social retardedness and it comes out twentyfold when Jennifer Aniston, a traveling saleswoman and motel guest, catches his eye and springs our man into action. He offers her the motel’s first ever complementary bottle of champagne, and she, with nothing better to do, takes pity on him and throws back a glass. Now that he’s got his foot in the door, his next move is asking Aniston if he can feel her butt. Once again, she obliges. Two things leads to another and Aniston ends up making the biggest one night stand mistake of her life. She leaves town, and heads back to reality on the east coast, expecting to never see Zahn again. Little does she know that she has awoken a sleeping giant hobbit, and outta the blue, he magically appears at her doorstep. She screams stalker and that it would never work between them, but this is a movie, so of course it might work. And since it’s a movie, there has to be bumps in the road, and there are, namely nemesis Woody Harrelson (the movie’s true Psycho), as well as help along the way, in the form of a wise crackin sidekick (James Hiroyuki Liao). Management aint as special as Zahn is (he’s one of the best at making people feel sorry for him), but it’s a cute enuff movie to satisfy you Friends friends, and off beat enuff for those of you (and us) who prefer (to beat off to) her work in such goody gumdropedness as The Good Girl and Friends with Money

Soul 2 The Basshole: gawd bless Psycho title maker Saul Bass!! (and oldie link, but a goodie worth repeatin’)

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Management opens today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Rudo y Cursi
Can They Kick It? Yes They Can
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Gael García Bernal & Diego Luna reunite on the big screen (spanks gawd, but what took so long?), directed once again by a Cuarón (this time it’s Alfonso‘s brother Carlos calling the shots), but don’t be eggspecting no Y Tu Mamá También II, so keep yer pants on ladies (and sum of you guys too!). Our moist be-amored Mexican amigos embark on yet another misadventure of maturation, but instead of picturesque beachy road trips involving sexploration of older women, as well as each other, they’re looking to score big in a whole different way – on the pitch (that’s a soccer field for you golfers out there) of the urban landscape nightmare that is Mexico City. Luna is the hot-tempered Rudo (Spanish for ‘rude’), the older, more grounded brother to Bernal’s wild Cursi (sorta Spanish for ‘corny’). They’re mother loving (not in that way you sick f%ck) country bumpkins who pick bananas all week, and play fútbol at the week’s end. One day a crafty talent scout (Guillermo Francella, with ojos of the devil) happens upon one of their games. He’s impressed by their skills, Rudo’s goalkeeping and Cursi’s goalmaking, but only has room to offer one of them a chance at the big time. Eventually the scout, and now their manager, gets them both placed with different teams and we’re off to the races. Along the way, we see them both falling into traps of temptation, no thanks to their new found fame and fortune, Cursi falls for a flighty muy bonita TV star (see below) and attempts to launch an ill-advised side career as a country singer, while Rudo’s gambling addiction gets way outta hand, and it all comes to a head(er) with an obvious match-up between the two brothers’ squads. Rudo y Cursi may feel like a bit of a letdown when compared to the other Berna-Luna Y flick, but standing on its own two feet, it’s a muy divertido eggscuse to watch the genial leads do there thing together again. Hell, we’d watch the two of them do anything for 100 minutes, although we, like mos people probably would, prefer that they were doing each. ¡Olé! ¡Cause we are so gay for them!

No Yes Mas: as in Jessica Mas

mas Mas

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Adoration
Where The Lies Truth
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Oh the tangled webs writer/director Atom Egoyan weaves, where past tragedies are dug up, so that the truth can finally be told, and maybe all parties involved can sorta mostly live happily sweet hereafter! Egoyan has taken us down this bumpy flashback path before, and with Adoration, the path is even more askew than everrrr. The unresolved issue we’re trying to resolve here revolves around the car accidental deaths of young Simon(somber Devon Bostick)’s parents (blank Rachel Blanchard, of FOTC/Sally fame & Mr Hyde and seeker Noam Jenkins). His grandfather (the always creepy Kenneth Welsh) paints a poor portrait of Simon’s father (and his son-in-law) and holds him responsible for the death of his beloved daughter, while his uncle and now guardian (gruffle puff Scott Speedman, shining much brighter than the rest of the cast), sheds different light on the event, leaving Simon not knowing what to believe. Simon’s thoughts are further complicated when his French teacher (prodding Arsinée Khanjian) stirs up other emotions, and much trouble, when a hot button writing assignment goes viral over the interwebs. The teacher presented the class with a story torn from the headlines about a terrorist sending his pregnant wife on a plane with a bomb. Simon imagines himself as the unborn baby, and the husband/wife as his own parents. His piece is taken as truth and the world wide web reacts with mixed (media) emotions (including Maury Chaykin yelling… is he ever not yelling?). As the discussion heats up online, Simon goes offline to to bring this baby to some sorta resolution, and gain some sorta peace in the process. It’s all one giant dr mindbender, but if you stick with it, you’ll be rewarded with another wondrous trip into Egoyan’s twisted, in many senses if the word, world

Pails In Comparison: Atom is the bomb, and so is the mos flamous Garbage Pail Kid mt EVERest. mo GPK shiz here

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Rudo y Adoration open today in NY/LA only

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Every Little Step
Plural Singular Sensations
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

A Chorus Line is a famous musical. You may have heard of it. One day it didn’t eggist. Then the day after that one day, a dancer/choreographer/writer named Michael Bennett got a bunch of his Broadway dancer friends to talk candidly about them things they all does to make it on The Great White Way, and from hours upon hours of recorded tapes of those sessions + the marvelous music of Marvin Hamlisch, bam, presto, pocus hocus, pocahontas, A CHORUS LINE was borne identity! The self-reflexive show about 17 dancers auditioning to be in a… chorus line was a smash hit in 1976, winning 9 Tonys, and is still the fourth longest-running show on Broadway. It was revived in 2006 and Every Little Step takes us on a rare look behind the curtains at the pre-production process from soup to nuts [please note that we hate the phrase ‘soup to nuts’, but we also hate the word ‘duke’ and we have to use that word every now and again]. You think that that American Idol sh&t is breakhearting? Try watching month after month as actual gifted performers try their damnedest to land a role in a musical about a bunch of performers trying their damnedest to land a role in a musical! We I feel like I’m in an MC Escher drawing after reading that last sentence 3 times!!! This captivating doc makes you never want to be an actor with a dream. It also makes you want to be an actor with a dream. It also makes you/we/me want to go and see A Chorus Line, or at least think about renting the Lord Richard Attenborough/Michael Douglas movie that is supposedly ‘fatally halfhearted‘. You’re not allowed to choose until you choose to see Every Little Step, although we completely understand if you’d rather wait and fulfill your Step movie quota with Step-Up 3-D

Greatest Original Name of A Song Mt EVERest: ‘Dance: Ten; Looks: Three‘ started life being called ‘Tits & Ass’ [SFW]. these aren’t [NSFW]

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Lemon Tree (Etz Limon)
Justice Is A Blind Lemon Jefferson
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Salma Zidane (Hiam Abbass, in a quiet, beautiful performance, also seen in The Visitor) is not the mother of the animated gif head-butting superstar of 2006’s World Cup, but a Palestinian woman who clings to her one and only reason for being: her family’s guns lemon tree grove. Then one day the Israeli Defense Minister (Doron Tavory) and his totally wicked hot middle-aged Jewish wife (Rona Lipaz-Michael) move in next door. Hilarity doesn’t ensue. The IDM’s secret service suggest that his new backyard neighbor’s trees are a threat to national security and should be chopped down. He easily agrees with their thinking and thus begins a legal David vs Goliath battle between the lemon drop girl and the your land is our land government head. Dem be almos fighting words are exchanged, lemons are thrown, kisses are had (involving sandy dreamboat Ali Suliman, who you should czech out in the brilliant Paradise Now), and all are as bitter as Renee Zellweger’s Extreme Sour Lemon Candy. Based off a true story, Lemon Tree tackles a mighty big topic in a small, and well mannered way. The message isn’t rammed down our throats, but a message is made nonetheless, and some messages are less than none, but this message is way more than less and wayer more than none, so come on heads, feel the lemons!

Pop Culture: one of our mos flavorite defunct sodas is Israel’s Kinley Lemon. the Coca-Cola brand wethinks no longer eggsists, or has become a Fanta flavor. last time we had it was in 1994, although it appears that it’s still served at Epcot Center’s Club Cool

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

American Violet
A Pre-Racial Procedural
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Tim (the grand nephew of Walt) Disney‘s American Violet is another real life legal David vs Goliath battle, with the action taking place in a small Texas town, and the crime isn’t owning a lemon tree, but a single mother of four wrongly accused of being a drug dealer. We know she’s innocent, cause if she were guilty, no one would probably pay to see this. Our unlucky heroine Dee (plucky newcomer Nicole Beharie) has two choices: plead guilty, which is what the local law folks want her to do cause
they is angry whites peoples (like district attorney Michael O’Keefe, who’s no Georgia peach), or do the impossible by fighting the charges against her, which would keep her away from her kids and hinder the chances of her keeping custody of them, and away from her hothead ex (Xzibit, who is exhibit A when it comes to rappers who should have never become actors). The ACLU comes to town (led by Tim Blake Nelson and Malcolm Barrett) and with the help of a reluctant local lawyer (Will Patton, who’s been blossoming in a post-Kevin Costner career more than Kevin Costner has) they convince Dee to fight the system! The rest plays out like a predictable TV movie of the week (whatever happened to those? like the hammazin awfulness that was 1988’s Crash Course, starring Alyssa Milano, Olivia d’Abo, Tina Yothers AND Jackée!!!!), but it’s winning enuff stuff to be seen in a theater

Roc Around The Cockblock: Charles S. Dutton has costarred in both of Nicole‘s films. Lucky bastage!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Every Little Lemon Violet all open in limited release today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…