Thighs Wide Shut

Heartbreaker
(L’arnacoeur)
A Comédie Romantique That Sounds & Looks
Better Than An American Equivalent
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Romain Duris is so hot.  So is Vanessa Paradis, gap teeth and all!!!!  Wonder what dem sparks would be like if the two ever let em fly???  Hold yer mares ma mères!  We all want the same thing here, but in Pascal Chaumeil‘s paint by numbers rom-com, yer gonna have to wait a long time for that happen, cause you see, Duris isn’t meant to be with Paradis or her pair of dats.  That would go against his profession: a ladykiller for hire (that’s murderer of the heart, in a good way), who never completely slays the lady, juss makes em putty in his hands, but never touches em, juss makes em happy, and then moves onto the next job.  He’s got game (enter montage of the master at work!), but his next assignment is a dooooozzy, Mrs Johnny Depp!!

Oh course he has zero interest in his latest mark at first, but do you think for a second that he won’t change his mind and lose it in the process?  Paradis is due to marry a bland American (bland American Andrew Lincoln), but her father (Jacques Frantz) doesn’t approve and contracts Duris to dur his wurst/best to get daughter to forget all about the bland American.  Let the hijinks begin, with sum helpful help from sis (Julie Ferrier) and her silly hubby (François Damiens), all goings on in a luscious Monaco backdrop to booooot.  What happens next is more predictable than Fred Armisen leaving Elisabeth Moss for blonder ambitions.  Yet this romantic-comedy wasn’t made in America, and thus is free of the usual trappings/dog droppings that litter many a Julia/Reese/Jennifer/et al pointless vehicles, and thus Heartbreaker is non-alarming, free of smarming, and nuttin but charming!!!  We are under your amour spell!  Get it, under amour?!?!?! Amour or less puns????

Gap Genes!: someone did our work for us… 10 Celebs Who Look Great With Gap Teeth

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Romantics
Wedding Boos
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

What do you get when Dawson‘s Joey (Katie Holmes) and a bitchy Sookie Stackhouse (Anna Paquin) fight over Fergie’s hubby (Josh Duhamel, another bland American), while Seth Cohen (Adam Brody), Frodo Baggins (Elijah Wood), Murphy Brown (Candice Bergen), our future wife (Malin Ã…kerman), and two others (Jeremy Strong & Rebecca Lawrence) stand around and watch, over a Big Chilled wedding upside-down caked weekend on Long Island?  Young lust, long yawns, clichés removed from the dust!  Felt like we’ve seen Galt Niederhoffer‘s movie/J Crew ad a zillion.7 times before, but with less TVish actors!  Don’t bother wit dis, but bother yerself to finally see Rachel Getting Married, a flick we’re STILL hungover from, cause we had such an effin blast at da party!

Holmes Body: still, we were happy to see Katie H backs on the big screen, which helped pave the way for this stunning Jackie-O inspired NY Mag cover!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Heartbreaker throbs and The Romantics barely beats this Friday in NY/LA only and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

…but not as well clothed as Holmes’ butt slice!!!!!

Bran Nue Dae
Certifiably Aboriginal
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

You loathed Baz Luhrmann’s sweeping epic Australia.  We know you did, so don’t lie.  We didn’t.  Maybe you have no sense of pomp and circumference, or maybe 165 minutes was juss 164 minutes too much of Baz-outback-wardness for you to take.  Your remedy is the lower-keyed, lower-budgeted, lower-running-timed and high on everything else Bran Nue Dae (that’s ‘Brand New Day’ for those who aren’t ewesed to musspellinngs)

At first, and hactually for quite a long while during, we weren’t really taking to the hammily charmed story of an aborigine boy (Rocky McKenzie)’s quest to return to his unrequited love (Jessica Mauboy)’s side, before a greasy rocker (Dan Sultan) gets his paws all over her.  A ‘wild’ roadtrip adventure ensues, with two ‘wacky’ hippies (‘Missy’ Higgins & Tom Budge) and a ‘wily’ Australian version of Ben Vereen (Ernie Dingo) along for the ride, while they’re all being chased around by the boy’s over-caring preacher man (Geoffrey Rush). Usually it’s the journey that makes the grade, and the destination a disappointment, but in Rachel Perkins‘ fun flick, the opposite is true, and by the end, you’ll be bursting into song along with the chorus too

Mauboy O’BOY!: Jessica Mauboy’s got sum killer eyes and some damn killah thighs.  who said you had to be a skinny jinny to get yer passport stamped in Thighland?

[mo pics]

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Bran Nue Dae sings a happy song this Friday in NY/LA only and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Piranha (3-D)
It Bites, In The Breast Possible Way!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

You’re either a person dying to see this movie or one staying the hell away from it, and thus have already rushed to the theater to see it or hid under the covers at home, so our words will probably be moot at this point, but whatever side of the unsafe waters yer on, there’s no denying that Piranha muss be seen at least once, in 3-D (although it’s mainly crummy 3-D), so you can see two nekkid chicks (one being recent P-boy p-mate Kelly Brook, the other NSFW porn star Riley Steele) play lezzie mermaids under the sea [NSFW!!!, but in lame 2-D]!!!!!!!!!!! Do you need to know anything else?  Nope, but it should be noted that Jerry O’Connell should earn a special Oscar for awful acting.  Sometimes trying to be awful at something is munch harder than trying to be good at it

Porn To Be A Girl Gone Wild: speaking of Brook and porn, our mos flavorite lil chimpunkette, Ashlynn Brooke,  makes a cameo as a girl who gets her boobs slashed in half [SFW]

Verdictgo: pure fun, pur dumb, and to you and we, Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Piranha (3-D) is currently going splish-splash at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

A Woman, A Gun and A Noodle Shop
(San Qiang Pai An Jing Qi)
Romancing The Coens
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

It takes a lot of balls to remake a revered and belovededed film.  Usually the remaker isn’t even close to worthy of such an undertaking, and their results are closer to more worthlessnessness than opening a Woolworth’s Five & Dime.  Even done up by the hands of someone more accomplished, and James Worthy, there’s no guarantee that they can make a remake work.  Remember Gus van Sant’s take on Psycho?  We certainly hope not!!!!  Remember the Coen Bros’ Ladykillers?  You get the idea.  Speaking of… afer seeing The Coen Bros‘ Blood Simple at Cannes twnetyish years ago, (worthy) Zhang Yimou (House of Flying Daggers) thought about giving the same story a go, but change the time and place, and add his usual flair and spin of the color wheel.  Amazingly, the Coens’ OKed the idea and what we have here is A Woman, A Gun and A Noodle Shop

If you’ve seen Blood Simple, then you purty much know what to expect (an über-jealous bidness man’s wife is stepping out on him with one of his employees, so said bidness man hires someone to bump them off, but the hired gun doesn’t kill em, AND THEN…), and if you haven’t seen BS, then you have no real reason or incentive to see Noodle, you noodle-head!!  But if you HAVE seen it, then you can certainly give its eastern brother from another mother a whirl (walk, don’t run)!  And while the pacing and atmosphere are kept in tact (but somehow feels a little slower than Simple), the style is all its own, with a dash of hit or miss humor.  It’s kinda worth seeing juss for Zhao Benshan‘s brief, yet unforgettable appearance as a googly-eyed police captain.  LOOK AT THIS FACE!!!!!  Maybe they shoulda scrapped the whole remake idea and made a flick all about his character, doing like Chinese Keystone Kop shaz with like chop sticks and ninja stars or any other Asian stereotypes one could think of!!!

North American Scum: remakes of American films are rarer than a rare steak cooked with the juice from the back of that upside-down plane stamp, but nones of them will ever top the blatant rip offs that are Turkish Star Wars or Bollywood Superman!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers, but only for superfans of Blood Simple

Noodle goes slurp in NY/LA only this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Lottery Ticket
By The Numbers, But A Winner Nonetheless
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

To us white folk, urban comedies all sorta feel like the same shiz over and over, with a different cast.  We’re sure the opposite is true of white comedies when viewed by non-white folk (and even by white folk!  we certainly believe so!).  So, let’s call a spade a spade (yikes, we’re already digging ourselves into a giant hole here, with our poor word choices, right?) and blanketly state that most comedies coming out of Hollywood, regardless of color, are carbon copy skeletons of thangs that came before, with different skins.  Enter Erik White‘s Lottery Ticket, which is like Friday or Barbershop, where a gaggle of grand performers all get together and deal with some sorta of central plot device, while laughing all the way to the bank (or in Friday‘s case, dank).  Lottery Ticket isn’t very indistinguishable from anything else you’ve ever seen, and yet it was certainly not awful.  In fact, it was totally enjoyable, and even mildly funny, and if you know us, we barely say anything’s funny!

So, what is it all about?  Not so lil Bow Wow works at Foot Locker and lives with grammy (Loretta Devine) and has big dreams of being a shoe designer or something, but will those dreams ever come true?  MAYBE!  Luckily grammy pushes him into buying a lotto ticket, and… THEY HIT THE JACKPOT!!!!  BUTTTTTTTTTT, the lotto office is closed for the weekend and so Bowwie Wowwie has to hold on tight to the ticket and keep this news mum from all the gold diggers (for the hottest one, see below)!  Good luck with that!!!  Words spreads and the neighborhood (including Ice Cube, Keith David, Terry Crews, Mike Epps, Charles Murphy and Gbenga Akinnagbe) gets silly ideas of ghetto fabulousness and stuff and funny!!!  No really.  Luckily (can’t stop using the word ‘luck’!!!) Wowster has a great BFF (the always high-larious Brandon T. Jackson) and lady friend who may end up being more than juss a lady friend (the deliciously plain jane Naturi Naughton, also delicious hotttt in Notorious) to help him keep his feet on the ground while he reaches for the stars!  Not awful! Casey Kasem closed!

¡¡Teairra Del En Fuego!!: gold digger Teairra Mari is in need of some serious goldfingering

three mo oh snaps snaps!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Lottery is juss the ticket today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…