Thighs Wide Shut

Have you seen Charlotte Church’s new vid for her next single ‘Call My Name’? Neither of I (since I can’t figure out this site), but if these snaps are of any indication, it could be the single most beatoffable vid since Madonna’s see-thru bazammbies in ‘Vogue’.

[more here]

• Did you watch the VMA’s last night? Neither did I (despite the G-rillaz rightfully mcnabbing 2 awards)! But if you care about such thangs, look here, here, and here!

• Will Samwise Gamgee edge out Edgar to win the love of Chloe AND save America for the humpteenth time?

• Do dreams ever come true? Yes they doesly do as the bestest most kiddiest eclecticiestest mp3 site around finally dug up The Three Caballeros sdtrk… although no tracks featuring Donald D and his dos amigos.

• When is the madness of Madness heading our way? Dunno, but they do have 6 West Coast dates lined-up

• Who almost became President of Iraq? Whatever you do, don’t tell it to Mr Hand!

• Wanna dress like Ryan Atwood, John Q Hipster, or a complete jackasshole?

• Ever wanted to own yer own Bob Ross painting like yers Thighly? Well, I contacted their afroed-Inc and this is what they had to say

• Is there any way Philip Seymour Butts will not get a Best Actor nom for his work in Capote? Peepage the trailer [via Fid Diddler]

• Can’t tell yer acrylic from yer cyrillic? Then you may have a tuff time d-loding a ton of t.A.T.u. mp3yummyness. Don’t forget to czech out the second page for some remix goodies.

• Are you gonna catch Cut Copy on tour with the Archdukes this fall? Well catch their vid for ‘Saturday’ here

• Have you seen Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story?

• Worried about the people in your neighborhood? You should be: Map(of)SexOffenders.com

• What’s the best way to raise money for your separatist campaign movement? Porn, snatchurally [via Prof Gryth]

• When is the 27th Annual Mooning of Amtrak set for? All Day Saturday, July 8, 2006

• When will the Neverending Comparison end? Never, cause it’s neverending by design. Anywho, we finally found a picture of Falkor & her always moody sister Mischa occupying the same space and the same thyme…

Stolen directly from Falkor’s Bar Mitzvah photo album
See where it all started here

Nathan Arizona Jr, meet your new sorta siblings

• Central Park, Chemical Bros, Paul Oakenfold, Zeptember 16th, drooling is me

• There’s life after SKG for the Gorillaz movie

• Sure Joshi- poo

• For those who care: Loggins & Messina RCMH pre-sale info

• From the WTF dept: What rapper would you compare your team to? [via Shady Acres]

• Bono stoopid thing that’s like the thing from a few weeks back

• TWS.org, your #15th search result for ‘“requiem for a dream” dildo clip‘, but #1 for ‘counter culter‘

• Congratulations, you’ve been selected to receive a FREE Christian T-Shirt!

Her Royal Thighness the IIIrd’s approval rating has reached it’s lowest point ever with 99.9999999999998% approvaleded. How could this be and what does sheness need to do in order to win your love and erections? Isn’t breaking Lohag’s most searched record good enuff? Or how bout if she pulled down her pants a bunch more times? Maybe we can send you cases of her new perfume filled with Cassis Berrie & Cashmere Musk. But why should we bother trying to impress our breasts upon you? For you think Jessica Biel, who really is a man, is more worthy than Sharalovely. Did you even see Stealth or anything else she’s ever been in? She has zero talent and she’s a man (juss in case u didnt read that the first time). Plus I’d rather beat off to Mary Worth than her. And you know how WORTHless that comic slizatch is!!

• Old Gorillaz news is suddenly new again

• An insult to Jews and audiences everywhere

• I think the odds are 121-120 that Ludivine Sagnier will appear nekkid in her next joint, despite what these pics show.

• Lotsa agreeing and tweaking going on for Indy 4 [via the Hole]

• AC Slater EMPLOYED! THIGHMASTER NOT!

• With Puffy & Mario Van Peebles on board Carlito’s Way: Rise To Power will surely sink at the box office this fall

• Top of the Pops flops on BBC2. At least they have the option to watch it as they took it off BBCAmerica ages ago. Damn them!! I so loved watching Pops with my Pops, eating Pops.

• Need a reason to see Royksopp at Webbie Hall in Zeptember besides learning how to say their name? How bout the bubbliciousness of Annie as an opener. [via Vegan]

• Why didn’t they kill off Olivier Castro-Stahl? He was already dead to me

• One Blog Created ‘every second’. And about one in 4zillionth of them is worth reading.

• I’m a fan of maize, not maize mushrooms [via Menymoney]

• Thundercut.com [via RaggaMuffin]

• 200 Amazing Secrets! [via Meta]

• TWS.org, yer #7 result when searching for ‘underwear pictures of ilan mitchell-smith‘

• Semi-related: John Hughes fan fiction

• Ziyi Zhang, credited as Zhang Ziyi, plays Bai Ling, but not that Bai Ling [NSFW], who is sometimes credited as Ling Bai, in 2046, which opens this tweakend in select markets (aka, not Arkansas). I’m so confused, but I’m still in the mood to pour low-sodium soy sauce all over ZZ, who shouldn’t be confused with Cpt Zzzz and his sidekick SnooZZZZZZZZzeworth [sorta-NSFW].

• Usual Suspects 2, with Lex Luthor AND the Apt Pupil attached?!?!?!?! Wowie zowie!!!! If they need help with the script, I’m loaded with ideas…. like: Keyser Soze, now a huge rock star in the band the Kaiser Chiefs, is up to his old tricks when he tries to steal Kaiser Wilhelm’s kaiser roll from the Kaiser Permanente HQ. But the trynamic trio of Chazz Palminteri, Giancarlo Esposito, and Dan Hedaya are once again hot on his trail. They eventually mcnabb him, riding a talking giraffe, and interrogate him for days back at their brand new precinct building. All the while, Keyser, with walls of fresh material at his disposal, tells them some fish tales consisting of made up people, places, and thangs. He asks the threesome if he can take a dump. They oblige. He then jumps into the toilet headfirst, Ewan Mc/Trainspotting style, and escapes. Cut, print, edit, market, market some more, let blogs hype it beyond watchable, still have a huge opening weekend, greenlight third movie with Seann William Scott and that Kumar dude taking over the Spacey and Palminteri roles respectively, still a solid opening weekend, I jump out window only to have my dead body cast in Usual Suspects 4.

• I’ve had it. I have it up to here. You can’t see here, but lemme tell you, IT’S UP THERE. Not as up there as say, The Air Up There, but it’s up there. And the reason for my up here/there/and everywhere? The Frat Pack. Should be redubbed, The Usual Suspects of Suspect Movies. Please, all you swell guys take 3 years off from making movies. The eggception is Vince Vaughn who should star in every drama he possib-bly can and make people realize that he’s not only one of the mos unfunny people in the known universe, but also the brat-wurstest actor since DJ from TV’s Roseanne!! [via Sceneflazzum]

• FORKelsticks and 3/4!!! Mischa Mischka Barfon’s return to the banging block fell a couple o days too late!!! Why? Although you all hate on her and you know who you is, she love hactually came this close to becoming your new Queen Mum-bles. I shit you not spit you snot. [via SunnyListern]

• While bad is happening to Brad Pitt, lettuce look at the good: not knowing who Lindsay Lohag the Wurstest The I was

• The vid for Gorillaz’esz ‘Dare’ [via Poophead]

• 50 Shekel sells out his Judaism for Jesus, by way of Mel’s The Passions The Of The Christ The!?!?! [via Jewcy]

• The first thing to come out of England in years that will totally suck donkey kong’s bong water

• Without Jane Fonda and her Al Gore like claims, I currently would be unemployed.

• One reason to see the Texas Chainsaw prequel

• American Movie Classics Craptastics

• Here’s a hot 2 for 1 coupon for some Wagamama’s. Too bad that in order to use it, you have to get yer arse to Amsterdamage by the end of the month…. although that isn’t the wurst idea I’ve heard. The heartache never ends folks. As they celebrate the almost-opening of their 50th house of ramen-awesomeness, I wait in vain and for the 2/3 train for any news of a cross-Atlantic invasion of our shores (don’t worry, cause we’ll know the minute it happens as I have one of my top men, Sio Bibby, on ‘invasion’ alert). Alas, as my hourglass reads half empty, I’ll keep dreaming of a day where the UK cities of Birmingham and Brighton share something else in common with their American city counterparts (Birmingham, AL and Brighton Beach, Brooklyn) besides juss a name. And while I’m out to lunch, the rest of yas, email em and beg on my behalf.

• Rachel Cole [keep clickin next for NSFWness], either a sluttier UK version of Courtney Thorne-Smith or a less sluttier UK version of Tara Reid [duhvs course NSFW]. You decide!!

• Schtickers, a schtick that will wear thinner than a Lance Armstrong yellow testicle bracelet around Lohag’s gaunt waist/waste line.

• Headphone Fetish [via Double XVI]

• We do not endorse or recognize whatever Thighpaulsandra is. [via Lynn V]

• Bid on Freddie Mercury’s Volvo CareLine Card [via BayRaider]

• And oh, before I take off, I wanted to tell you ‘alls some great news!! Maria will join Roger Federer as official spokespersons and cover athletes for the Top Spin game for Gaystation 2! I heard they were close to putting Lindsay Davenport on the cover, but they reconsidered when they realized she blows and also that Мари я Ю рьевна Шара пова was recently crowned Her Royal Thighness the III. My Siberian sexpot had this to say, ‘Now, everyone gets a shot to play against me – but look out, I’m bringing my ‘A’ game in Top Spin!‘. So while she’s beating your ass on grass/parent’s basement cause your too busy czeching out her digital приклад/derrière, we’ll be pouring vodka all ourselves and digitally penetrating our collective orificeseses until Red Dawn.

• Who has consistently produced the best TV special year after year? Thighs down, The American Film Institute. The fun began back in ’98 when they dropped their list of America’s 100 Greatest Movies (if Citizen Kane hadn’t come out on top, you wouldn’t be reading this paragraph). ’99 emitted the tops in his and hers, ’00 got busy like Sean Paul with the laughs, ’01 (the real beginning of the millennium) was absolute-lee thrilling (mainly thinks to Hitchcock, the real Hitch, not that crap with the Fresh Prince and the King of Queens… royalty my A$$!!), ’02 was a bowl of mushy peas, ’03 left out the ugly and went straight for the good and the bad, ’04 made for such sweet music, and we sipped Five Alive in the ’05, while we were totally titillized and thighszed as they rolled out the 100 Best Quotes. [Note: the AFI site was all sorts of fugazied, and hence the other linky-poos] As usual, they were mostly on point like John Negroponte, with a few melon-scratchers here and there (how could ‘There’s no crying in baseball‘ be better than both ‘Heeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Johnny‘ AND ‘Get yer hands off me, you damn dirty APE!‘? Time to break out the shotguns Chuck). The only thing that lacks credibility is their selection of on-air talent to gab about the fizz. DL Hughley? Elayne Boosler? Wolfgang Puck? What, was Ebert too busy making love to a box of Jujubes? Anywhozitz, I’d like to throw out a bunch of random quotes that didn’t make the list and mean something especial to meski. The criteria? Anything in my lifetime, meaning from ’77 on (sorry Escape From The Planet of the Apes, but hello Hello Again!!). I’m sure I’m missing some, but I don’t have all day to write about crap… although I’m sure u spank otherwise.

‘In honor of our special guest, I’ve created dinner mon dieu — including Frahnch fries… Frahnch dressing… and Frahnch bread. And to drink Pay-roo‘ – Jenny Meyer, Better Off Dead

‘Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father: prepare to die!‘ – Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride

‘Smokey, this is not ‘Nam. This is bowling. There are rules.‘ – Walter Sobchak, The Big Lebowski

‘Man, we ain’t found shit!‘ – Henchman, Spaceballs

‘Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina!‘ – Joseph, Kindergarten Cop

‘The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.‘ – Jules, Pulp Fiction

‘Maggots, Michael. You’re eating maggots.‘ – David, The Lost Boys

‘Bring me everyone. What do you mean “everyone”? EVERYONE!!’ – Norman Stansfield and Benny, The Professional

‘Don’t f#ck with the babysitter!‘ – Chris, Adventures In Babysitting

‘Shall we play a game?‘ – Joshua, the computer, WarGames

‘How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?‘ – Uncle Rico, Napoleon Dynamite

‘It was f%ckin’ obvious that cunt was gonna fuck some cunt.‘ – Begbie, Trainspotting

‘On how good your manners are… and how big your pocketbook is… – Dexter Jettster, Episode III

‘Is this something you can share with the rest of us, Amazing Larry?‘ – Pee Wee, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure

‘Grow up, Heather. Bulimia’s so ’87.‘ – Heather Chandler, Heathers

‘Pull the string! Pull the string!‘ – Bela Lugosi, Ed Wood

‘I’m gonna go get the papers, get the papers.‘ – Jimmy Two Times, Goodfellas

‘Mrs. Peacock was a man?‘ – Mr Green, Clue

‘I don’t care what the scoreboard says at the end of the game, in my book we’re gonna be winners.‘ – Coach Norman Dale, Hoosiers

‘Pyle, you climb obstacles like old people f#ck.‘ – Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, Full Metal Jacket

‘Better to be king for a night than a schmuck for a lifetime.‘ – Rupert Pupkin, The King of Comedy

‘Sugar Mr. Poon? No, never, NEVER!‘ – Stanton Boyd’s secretary and Fletch F Fletch, Fletch

‘What the fuck’s a frush?‘ – Booger, Revenge of the Nerds

‘And the capital of Nebraska is Lincoln.‘ – Announcer, Kentucky Fried Movie

• Gorillaz to do a REAL tour this November. Now the problem be that we probably have to get our a$$es to Manchester in order to see em.

• Eggman, aka Billy Corgan, desperately wants attention/to reform the Pumpkins. I say fine, but only if he doesn’t turn all the nice bits into screamy bits onstage.

• Jennifer Ellison fractured her collar bone. Don’t panic, the breasts are still OK. [sorta NSFW, cause her boobs are so big]

• W. Mark Felt felt it was time to cash in on his deep thrizzle. No doubt a movie is happening, but why does Tom Hanks have to play him?

• Peep the vid for best song off Beck’s uneven Guero, ‘Girl‘. Shiz reminds me of MAD Magazine‘s backpage Fold–Ins.

• How come the BVegan is doing a better job updating us on Siren Fest’s line-up than the site itself?

• CMJ Music Marrython to be held Zeptember 14-17

• Don’t be scared Jean Claude Van Dame Dakota Fanning the I of Thighland. I’ve adopted you and took you under my wing so you’d be safe from all the crazies out there.

• Maria Sharapova Eating A Banana

• Return to normalcy/hottacy?

• Radio Memories

• NYC Subway Mosaics

• How could the webmaster of Fakedrpepper.com let the domain expire?

• Mother Gave Permission Slip For Man To Have Sex With Girl AND Police Release Photo Showing Teen Impaled On Fence [vias Newz O Da Weird]

• This is N%gga Stole My Bike thing has complete-lee gotten outta lo-hand: N!gga Stole My Bubble Bobble, N$gga Stole My Yoshi, N@gga Stole Carnegie Hall, N#gga Stole My Price Is Right Game, and flubvs course, DOS Stole My Bike. Whatever u do, juss stay away from YTMND 2. Your brain may eggsplode.

• Keds has run outta ideas with their Mischa B campaign. Or maybe that Jodie Foster kid whore look is back in fashion and no one told me about it. Its still hottier than her kissing Anakin Skyloser. But not as thumcredbile as this pic…

• Today is my last day at ToonPoonville, USA. New shiz starts Friday. How will this affect all things Thighs? Tomorrow Never Knows, Tomorrow Comes Today, Tomorrow Never Dies, and Tomorrow, I love ya Tomorrow! You’re always a day away from the Day After Tomorrow.