Thighs Wide Shut

Gawd bless your Canuck parents for their umcredible DNA and love of boning, which helped to bring you into this world 22 years ago today! I bet you were smokin hot even with the umbilical cord attached to yer lil body.

You were born in the 80s

And you be the finest of all the liz-adies

Stop teasing me with your ‘maybes’

Isn’t it time to make da babies?

Yer thighs

Hypnotize

And tantalize

And make men cries

Why are you so purrfect

Is beauty a birth defect?

I like it when we pet and neck

And finger bang whilst we listen to Beck

And for those of you who aren’t going to rent The Girl Next Door in her honor today, here’s a highlight reel of her ultra-uber-super-hot-bod for you all to enjoy. [via Dougie Fresh Rheingold]

All I can say is WOW!!! The only thing missing is The Fiery Furnaces, Cuthbert dancing in a cage, and a promise of unlimited chocolate-covered-bananas.

APRIL 30

·DAVID BOWIE

·NINE INCH NAILS

·PJ HARVEY

·INTERPOL

·THE FAINT

·FRANZ FERDINAND

·THE POLYPHONIC SPREE

·BOARDS OF CANADA

·TV ON THE RADIO

·YEAH YEAH YEAHS

·SQUAREPUSHER

·CLINIC

·FRENCH KICKS

·SECRET MACHINES

·PHOENIX

·BEEP BEEP

·DOGS DIE IN HOT CARS

·DEATH FROM ABOVE 1979

·THE HELIO SEQUENCE

MAY 1ST

·R.E.M.

·TEARS FOR FEARS

·WILCO

·MODEST MOUSE

·BRIGHT EYES

·JIMMY EAT WORLD

·MOS DEF

·BADLY DRAWN BOY

·THE STREETS

·SPOON

·CAKE

·THE POSTAL SERVICE

·THE SHINS

·SLEATER-KINNEY

·RILO KILEY

·RADIO 4

·DOVES

·IRON AND WINE

·THE ARCADE FIRE

·MOVING UNITS

Info taken from The Nine Inch Nails Hotline. Thanks to Shady H and Senor Gombergas for also sending along this info.

My T-Mobile sponsored T-Giving weak is frinally over. It can all be summed up in these minimal words: pies inhaled, balls bowled, footballs footed, necks injured, and Her Current and Former Royal Thighnesseses playing cock-footsies with me under the table during the feast. And what kind of human would I be if I didn’t thank all mi familia and friends for being some of the breastestest peoples on Earth, if not all of Maryland. Anywho, lettuce get this party started once again…

– What do you do when Fox News is yer daddy? You make SportCenteresque commercials. I guess I’d rather watch Christiane Amanpour get all silly nilly than Stuart Scott.

– UK’s fab Top of The Pops (think a besterer American Bandstand) show is being demoted from BBC1 to BBC2. Me don’t really care. Me just want dem Brits to put it back on BBCAmerica! I mean, where else am I going to see a group of teenagers sing ABBA songs AND be respected?

– Why do people keep employing Jeff George? That’s like letting Marion Barry back into politics… again and again.

– Trainspotting scribe Irvine Welsh to give film directing a go. That’s like letting Marion Barry back into politics… again and again.

– Is there anything better than the ACC? Yeah, the ACC without VTech, Miami, and BC.

– Hopefully this dude with extra digits on his hand AND foot has an alibi for the death of Inigo Montoya‘s father. If not, prepare to die.

– Me thinks the new U2 album friggin rocks is really good. Its scattered, smothered, and covered in elements of all of their previous albums for any fan to enjoy. Stand out track be ‘City of Blinding Lights’ and am I the only one not sick of ‘Vertigo’ yet? And why do I have this sudden urge to buy an iPod?

– Wanna know why Alexander is a flop? I mean who wants to see a movie about a guy ‘as gay as a maypole‘ or who ‘was defeated only once – by Hephaestion’s thighs.” [via Big Bad Boggle Player]

– New York’s changing.

– Dem school children may want their teachers to leave them alone, but I think they’d be much happier with some Pink Floyd royalties. I mean, how can they have any pudding if they don’t gots any cash?

– Jaleel White, the New Kid on The Blogck. [via Navi The Dukie]

– Redskins still in the playoff hunt… and somehow so are the 1-10 SF 49ers!?#?!?#@!?$

– Sandy Cohen better find himself a good Patent Attorney, cause these motherstickers are selling Chrismukkah cards without his permission. Lettuce juss pray that they don’t go further with this whole Easterover crap.

– And finally, the three finalists to portray Lois Lane in the upcoming Superman flick are: Kate ‘Brian’ Bosworth, Claire ‘You Bore Me’ Danes, and Elisha ‘Lord of the Thighs Cuthbert. Is this even a competition? You mean to tell me that Superman would think for a second about spreading his supersperm in Angela Chase or that lame a$$ girl from Blue Crush? Well if any of the producers are reading this and they want lots of free publicity, the choice is bovious… and if that happens, I’d also like to play Superman and add 31,2,36456,54,31856 sex scenes to the script.

– Rilo Kiley, the first band confirmed for Coachella 2005???

– Own a piece of history more precious than the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese: an actual cup thrown at the Ron Artest launch for his ultra-hot Kombat Basketball video game. [via Guns n Rosenthal]

– And if that’s the breastest game out there, then this one about driving big rig trucks has got to be the wurstest. [via Nipsy Newbsy]

– Get yer OJ Simpsons pogs right here! [via Mrs O’Leary’s Cow]

– These dudes love Mr T a lil bit too much.

– ‘Ms. Curtis, wearing one of the ugliest haircuts I have ever seen, her upper lip weirdly curled-in, resembles a transvestite chimpanzee.’ If that’s not enuff to get you to see Christmas With the Kranks, I don’t know what is. [via Big Bad Bogsly]

– Town Raffles Rifles to Raise Money for School. Lettuce all pray to gawd that Michael Moore doesn’t read this article.

– Have a safe and pie filled T-giving everyone. If you happen to be in the DC Metropolitan area tomorrow, feel free to join the Thigh Master and his posse at 10am for our annual Turkey Bowl Football game my alma mater @ College Garden Elementary School. Please note that the game is tackle, so if yer vagina hurts, please don’t bother showing up. And also, I can’t wait for Her Royal Thighness the II to finally meet Mumsy & Daddy Thigh Master. Just look at the dress she plans on wearing tomorrow for the big feast!!

I’m THANKSful to Spence for this one

– Virgin Mary In Grilled Cheese on eBay sells for $28K! But the madness doesn’t end there folks. Bid on Virgin Mary On Grilled Cheese@gmail.com or a trucker hat with her lady of GC or VMGC ala Warhol. Looking for something w/out Jesus’ mumsy, yet grilled cheese related? Why not bid on this photo of a Wyoming model with a grilled cheese sandwich!

– Wurstest use of the moniker ‘Thighs Wide Shut’ and horriblistic punning in general can be found right here. Somebody please send this guy straight to the PUNitentiary.

– I haven’t watched a full episode of ESPN’s SportsCenter in maybe 4+ years, but at least they still make fabulouso commercials. Case in point Star Wars vs. SportsCenter.

– Like more matchups and have nada to do tonight? Go see Senor Fluxbog take on Scotty Stereoshizzle in the The MP3 Blogger Battle @ APT (West 13th (9th/Washington) NYC) @ 10pm. These guys know their shiz, and they know Bo, but Bo don’t know Diddley.

– What happened here? [via Cubs Fan #1]

– Why on earth would anyone ever send a letter to Andy Rooney? I mean, he’s no Morey Schaeffer.

– How come none of yas clued me on on this whole Fat Darrell sandwich (chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks and french fries) dealio? And because you all let me down, I guess I’ll just have to eat 12 of them in one sitting.

– Nuttin sez Happy Anniversary to JFK’s brains exploding like a videogame!

– PEACE THE FORK OUT Franco-American SpaghettiOs.

– Did my girl Marianne Grizzle coin the word ‘mobnoxious‘?

– The Washington National’s brand spankin’ new logo is enuff to make me want to be an Orioles fan again. Boo. Boo Williams. Boo Berry. But props de leon to whomever the webmaster of WashingtonNationals.com is. MLB will be ponying up some major cheddar for some of dat urlness!

– Gawd I love NY. And so does U2. See Stereogum for more.

– This year yers jewly hit up the Lebowski Fest. Next year I’m aiming higher: Twin Peaks Festival 2005, set for July 29-July 31.

– Sleep easy tonight Grambsy, cause Camden, NJ just replaced Detroit as the nation’s most dangerous city! But was this decided before or after Ron Artest came to town?

– I LOUVRE posters. Hispecially Olympic ones.

– The Karate Kid Chimp. [via Nipsy Newbsy]

– Juss wanna say that The Thinker and myself are rocket scientologists for queuing up around 8:45 am this past Saturday for le grande re-opening of the MoMA. We got in no problem at 10. And when we left the museo, the line was 6 times the size. SUKKAHS!!! And oh yeah, the new digs FRIGGIN ROCK!! Cept they could use a few more Lichtensteins and a place to smoke pot… and like free bitches (an Ali G invention).

– Finally, in the realm of Her Royal Thighnessness, because she’s still the hottiest lil trollop in our solar system, and cause she makes the mos wickedest bowl of Rice Krispies after morning 69, I’ve decided to give Cuthy Cutbertson (HRT the II) a couple more weeks to clean up her act/dye her hair and pubes back to dirty dirty blonde before I can david givens her the boot. Meanwhile, Her Former Royal Thighness the I was quoted as saying “I want to be a young mom.” Well, Lord of the Thighs sez good luck with that sweet tits. You know you can’t drink when yer preggers.