Thighs Wide Shut

– Productshopppe claims that Jay-Z, Danger Mouse, and a reunited Gang Of Four are all on board for Coachella ’05. I may have to start making my own chocolate-covered-frozen-bananas to prepare myself for the munchies-a-thon in the desert.

– Lohan lives for L7. And where have her boobs gone? [via SuperFishAll]

– Thighs Wide Shut, you’re #1 Google search from all things Lewis V Sills.

– Elton John quizzes The Archdukes (aka Franz Fizzlers) on their cock sizes.

– Flavor Flav ready to roll like Mario Van Peebs and go solo.

– Happy New Year, indeed!

– Having trouble finding an E-Card for that special occasion, like a miscarriage or a date rape? These folks are here to help! [via My Man Marvkus]

– Ron Howard better play ball, cause the last thing that anyone wants is to ruffle the feathers of the The National Organization For Albinism & Hypopigmentation.

– Apparently a lot of DC teams will be playing in RFK’s parking lot this year if Tony Kornheiser’s visions come true.

– Pray you weren’t in any of these snaps of passed out people the day after some big party. [via CityRagDoll]

– Are these the worst superhero costumes of all time? I dunno, I stopped reading that crap when I learned how to masturbate.

– Toilet Brush Warning Wins Consumer Award

– If you put the three following Orlando Bloom movies into a blender, Lord of The Rings, Troy, and Pirates of the Caribbean, what would the mush pile look like? Probably something a lot like this. Hey, O Blo, you know you’re allowed to star in a movie that takes place in the 21st or 20th century, right?

– By the gay, do any of you alls jones for the days when a new LOTR came out each winter? I do, but Narnia may be the cure to our missing merriment and pippinment.

– And one last trailer, that’ll be sure to keep you from theaters sometime in ’05: Steve Martin in The Pink Panther. Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes! How dare they drag poor Turkish and Leon into this mess they somehow called ‘a movie’.

– If you evers get fed up with my lack of postingings during yer daily smudgery, please head on over to Pink Is The New Blog. Dude posts more than Gheorghe Muresan. I meant this Gheorghe Muresan.

– And you’ve all been such a lovely audience this week that you deserve a look at Her Current Royal Thighness, all ghetro ab fabbed out and stuff!

– Why are women so hot and men so hairy and discussing? Lets not answer that question, but instead be jizzmerized by these mos s’wonderful snaps of Jessica Alba. Nuff to make my mouth spray, ‘Cuthbert who?’ [via Double V-Money]

– Peace the fork out to you H. David Dalquist. Some say he was the greatest inventor since Edison. I mean, can you imagine what life was like before the Bundt cake pan?

– U2 and Coldplay to be the Coachella co-headliners? Those rumors are so May 3rd, 2004. Either way, don’t count on Modest Mouse being there. But feel free to catch em on tour or when they appear on tomorrow’s ep of The O.C..

– Even though this animated gif and live video for ‘Mouse House, Moose Hoose’ both kinda freak me out, The Fiery Furnaces are still the mostestest. [via Catchy-D]

– 2005’s SXSW Festival should be a hoot. On board musically be The Raveonettes, Billy Idol, Sleater-Kinney, Son Volt, and plenty of other goodies. On the film side of tangs, Luke & Owen’s bro Andrew drops his directing debut, The Wendell Baker Story, while Todd Solondz’ shitbag of a movie, Palinbroke (reviewed here by me), gets a screening + discussion with E Dub’s Owen Gleiberman.

– The deadline for applications to become a member of Jeopardy!‘s illustrious Clue Crew be January 14th! I’m pullin for ya Paige.

– Is the Village Voice‘s newly minted site sponsored by Centrum or something?

– I juss figured out my mission in life: resurrecting Bastian/D.A.R.Y.L/Barret Oliver‘s long dormant acting career.

– The International Federation of Competitive Eating [via Brawnymanstein]

– What is sure to be the movie that everyone will be talkin bout in the ’05? My money is on The Untitled Kurt Russell/Dakota Fanning Project.

– Remember when Wes Anderson made outstanding and outsitting movies? Well, you can relive the magic when Rushmore plays at Midnight this Fri & Sat @ the Sunshine.

– Dying to know what Tucker Carlson would look like if he was part buzzard? Click away.

– Here are two books that are sure to make yer shimmy go shimmy shimmy ya: Mr. Skin’s Skincyclopedia: The A to Z Guide to Finding Your Favorite Actresses Naked AND The Adventures of Q*Bert.

– CosmicLockSmith.com [via Z del Roachclip]

– Subway’s Jared Ate my Balls!

– And tis been too long since we’ve had one, so eye gives to you, the first BITCHED @ SWIRTH of ’05: David ‘Laser Pointer Sister‘ Banach and Darrell ‘I’ve overstayed my SNL welcome’ Hammond…

– Lohan wasn’t lying on her debut LP when she said, “I’m sick of rumors startin’“. Well, now she’s out to clear up some of dem nasty rumors. First of all, she doesn’t really eat muffins contrary to popular belief. And secondly, she’s allergic to blueberries! Well I heard a rumor that she once had to have her Lohandlers beat the fork outta poor Violet Beauregarde cause her blueberryness was giving Her Former Royal Thighness rashes.

– One more Jamaica reflection: why in the hill do white people get cornrows? They look so stooopid in em. Not even Bo D could escape the oooooooglyness.

– Want some Team Zissou Adidas kicks? The closet thing yer gonna get are these homemade versions now being sold on eBay.

– Hey Garvster, how come I wasn’t included The NY Post’s list of people to watch in New York for 2005?

– Although The Ziegfeld ranked 159th in ticket sales in New York, they have no plans to close up shop, unlike the 596 other single movie theaters that have done so since 2001. Wurse cums the wurst, they could always turn it into a porn theater called the Jizzfeld.

– Sandra Buttox finally does something good.

– I disagree with the Rooney’s view on public art, but it was a hill-air-e-us way to start of ’05. (Be sure to watch the video clip instead of reading the transcript)

– Make some noise, Illy style, for The Land of Lincoln’s new state amphibian and state reptile, the Eastern tiger salamander and the painted turtle, respectively.

– Why do we call Deutschland, ‘Germany’? Who needs Clarissa, when Cecil eggsplains it all.

– Will Steak-on-a-Stick and The BagelPeach be the new Crystal Pepsi (aka the dumbestest idea since I decided to run against Mayor McCheese)? Time will tell. [via Future Brother-In-Law of yers drooly]

– What’s wrong with this (playoff) picture? All shirts and no SKINS!!

– Know that annoying ‘Pump Up The Movie’ ad that tells you to silence yer cell phones, playing in movie theaters? Well, tis gots its own a nice website. Be sure to play the ‘Cheerleader Toss’ game.

– A week too late, but take a visit to UglyChristmasLights.com

– The Yuckiest Little Miniature Golf Course in the West

– Besides a list of top flicks of 2005 that I still owe u alls, there won’t be any other look backs at ’04… until TWS.org’s one year annie verse airy this March.

– And I’m sorry, but Aishwarya Rai is mos certainly NOT the world’s most beautiful woman. That title is reserved for Her Royal Thighness, dElishious Cuthspurt. Splugebovs Squareseaman!

Not to sound like the first single off of every Eminem CD, but guess who’s back? Yep, me, your humble mumbler/man of spiel/the one they say ‘objectifies women everyday… but you can’t find the links he does‘, Michael Palan, er, um The Master of Thighs, The Thigh Master. Let me be the 20th, or 53rd, or 9,39933,56653,3,01th person to wish you a righteous New Year of your Lord, 2005. Btw, if you are one of those people who love actually believed that the new millennium began in 2000, instead of 2001, please bacdafucup off dis here site and get an edumacation. Anywhozitz, my sojourn with me familia to Jamaica was mos egg salad. I literally did nothing. Well, somethings, if the following things can be considered things…

Drinking at least 8 Piña Coladas a day

Inhaling Jerk Chicken & Pork

ODing on Ginger Beer

Leprechaun Hunting

(just in case you didn’t know,

this is what fire looks like)

Watch Father Thigh Master

Get Hit On By This Chef

Reading this umcredible Howard Hughes book

that was 70 zillion million billion thymes

more informative than The Aviator

whilst enjoying

the scenery

the greenery

All the other pictures were too graphic to be displayed. They include wicked matches of Boggle, more eating, tennis with my shirt off (hot, I know), laughing every time I heard a Jamaican say ‘wagwan‘, re-watching the last 6 episodes of this year’s Sopranos and peeping about 10 movies I’d never admit liking, but I’ll admit that I like them, like She’s All That and and 3 Ninjas. I also sadly heard that Ken Jennings will be reborn, Kate Booosworth and NOT Cuthbert will play Lois Lane, there are no such thing as Team Zissou Adidas shoes (but you can make your own), Double V is trying to pass off this chick as the ThighMaster (via Spence), and of course, the peace the fork outings of Lennie ‘Disco’ Briscoe and too many of our human brethren in South East Asia. Goes to show you that we’re at Mother Nature’s mercy and wees all should be thankful to be alive in ’05. Think positive kiddies. Did I mention that I sorta wanna be Howard Hughes when I grow up?

[via OmniLeo]

Oops, forgot to mention my in-flight movies, which help prove my theory that 98% of all in-flight movies are more awfuller than sharing a toothbrush with someone: Shark Tale, which I refused to watch, and Mr 3000, which was more formulaic, than Formula 1 Racing.

First and foreskinmost, our first fork job goes out to homosexual people lover/sack machine, Reginald White

 

1961 to 2004

Instead of speaking on behalf of a man I hardly knew, I’ll let Reg do all the talkin’ here… from a lil speech he gave to the Wisconsin state legislature (that Mr Joe E Tata thankfully reminded me of):

When you look at the black race, black people are very gifted in what we call worship and celebration. A lot of us like to dance, and if you go to black churches, you see people jumping up and down, because they really get into it. White people were blessed with the gift of structure and organization. You guys do a good job of building businesses and things of that nature and you know how to tap into money pretty much better than a lot of people do around the world. Hispanics are gifted in family structure. You can see a Hispanic person and they can put 20 or 30 people in one home. They were gifted in the family structure. When you look at the Asians, the Asian is very gifted in creation, creativity and inventions. If you go to Japan or any Asian country, they can turn a television into a watch. They’re very creative. And you look at the Indians, they have been very gifted in the spirituality.

2nd and secondmostest, to les Redskins, who no longer grace the

playoff race list. That’s so friggin race-ist. We still love ya Gibbsy, and yes, even you Daniel Snyder. Keep spending.

3rd rockfromthesunest, to my eyeballs for peeping 5 movies since last Wednesday. Full reviews won’t be posted until 2005, so here’s a jist(ta-fy my love) of dem…

Fockers – not too funny, a lot of retread, and more ‘Focker’ jokes than one can handle in a two-hour span, but somehow still a highly entertaining piece of work.

Hotel Rwanda – one of the year’s breastest. plain and simple.

Aviator – good, not great, but hey, beats Gangs of New York anyday. I’m a lil irate they didn’t cover the last years of his life, which all of us want to see more than anything. Biggest shoe-in for Best Supporting Actress: Can you say Cate Blanchett as Katharine Hepburn? Can you say CB be finest female actor in the bidness?

Lemony Snizzle’s Series of Something or Others – one of the mostest beautiful looking movies I’ve ever seen. Right up there with Neverending Story, Princess Bride, Harry Pothead the III, or any Tim Burton jounks. Jim Carrey is sniztacular and although she’s only like 6, I’ve got future dibs on Emily Browning. There’s just something about fish-net sleeves that get me all eggcited.

Phantom of the Opera – well, at least the music was good, and looking at JenniferEllison was a nice.

and fourth and tenmostest, I’d live to peace the fork out myself, as I head to Jamaica with family Thighs. I’ll try and post, but I may be too busy czeching out the scenery greenery. In the greenwich meantime, Mr Thought will kindly keep you posted. 2004 kinda blew, so I’ll see you sukkah mcs in 2005. I loves you alls more than yule ever know. X’s and Ho’s, and in Cuthbert we lust and thrust…