Thighs Wide Shut

If you go around looking like this again my dear Thighness, I may have to expel you from Thighland for good!! It almost happened when you dyed yer hair, but I cut you some slack cause you have one sweet rack & rear view. So I beg of you, don’t force me to fly Falkor so I’s can gets my Mischa Bart-ON!!!

Mucho a grassy-a$$es to Golden DisSpencer for dispensing this pic in my general direction. Also, thanks to Mr For Hire for pointing me/us to the perky Teri Polo Playboy snaps and to the fact that there’s gonna be a Borat movie AND hack director Todd Phillips is out of the picture… literally! And for an added bonus, here’s the finestestest pic [via The Drunk Step Pa] of Her FUTURE Royal Thighness the III from the GGs. Is there anyone more perrrfect than her besides my mumsy? I juss wanna give lil kisses to every lil freckle on her lil nose (Barton’s, not my mum’s)!

All bloggers, web masters, Dutch Masters and Thigh Masters care about their own site’s statistics. If they claim they don’t, then they’re probably too dumb to set up a site meter in the first place. The mos delightful part of the whole dang thing isn’t the numbers of peeps visiting Thighland, but how dem love actually got to this site in the first place. I’m sure some of you bookmark this haven for the of objectification women, some via many of our wonderful superfriends, but some of you lot venture here on accident, aka those randomly searching for shiz on the internets. Well, welcome you accidental tourists! Hopefully you found what you were looking for, but if you didn’t, hopefully you learned something new, like what kinds of sweaters I buy on ebay, who I’d love to sodomize every night, and my feelings on ‘director’ Kevin Smith. Anywho, here’s a recent sampling of you what you accidental tourists/sick fu#k$ were searching for and what you got instead…

– Yearning to know all about “life goes on” corky “fight the power”? Well, I do have some info on that infamous act when hip-hop finally met with Down Syndrome, but yule also find a link which reveals that Arafat’s last screen role was in The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou.

– Lusting for some juicy links that got dem good ole ass and thighs? Well, hopefully you’ll be mesmerized by my tales of funnel cakes and frozen chocolate covered banana eating.

– Or desperate to find out if your wife’s thighs are spread all over the world wide morgan webb’s web? Sorry, your wife won’t let me take pictures of her thighs, just her poonanny, but why not take a listenage to this motherload of Jim Mora Sr audio rants you just unearthed.

– Do you need an easier way to find a screen cap of Cuthbert touching her sweet clothed-a$$? Then just type in Sirprizes firefox and we’ll get you there in lickity splickty no thyme.

– For those desperately seeking rebel billionaire jessica McCann nude, don’t even bother visiting TWS, and just click here or here or even here , if backsides are yo thang!

– And for those of you soul II soul searching for a picture of thighs (NOTE: before you click that thighs links, be forewarned that you shall get far more than you bargained for, like images of vaginas, bad tan lines, some chopped up looking thing (and no, i’m not talking about a vagina)) you will be rewarded with a picture of Her Former Royal Thighness’ side boob. Oddly enuff, if you typed grambo alou, that would also get you to those luscious side boobies.

And now for some Destro action as promised in the title!!

I always knew he was of

the Asian persuasion

And loved curvy things

– And I’m sorry I be hating on you so much these dayz Stevey, but that doesn’t mean the powers that be should get rid of 60 Minutes II altogether! Instead why don’t they 86 one of the 14 CSIs? [via The Bistro]

– Prince Harry could have done worse… like eating a watermelon the way del fuehrer loved to.

– Clips of the new Fantastic Four flick lead me to believe that it won’t turn out to be the debacle that Roger Corman’s was. But making Jessica Alba an invisible woman could be the wurst call since Olestra. [via the Double V-miesters]

– You can judge how narly and rad a President is by the musicians they snag for their inauguration. And by the looks of Bush’s line-up (Hilary Duff, Gloria Estefan, Ruben Studdard, and 3 Doors Down), you could say that’s he’s almost more hip than Donald Dumpsfeld. On the other hand, back in the weigh day, Clinton cemented his wickedness when he kicked it with Natalie Merchant, Fleetwood THE MAC, and the one day only supergroup known as Automatic Baby, which consisted of Michael Stipe, Mike Mills, Larry Mullen, and Adam Clayton! Click this link to find an mp3 of their performance of U2’s ‘One’. Franzforkingtastic! If I was prez, I’d have The Fiery Furnaces, Air, White Stripes, and Ali G/Borat all perform in my honor. I’d also probably convince my first lady, Cuthbert the Hot, to pole dance for my supporters.

– Don’t trust every single Coachella rumor you hear or read, but feel free to be entertained by them. For eggzample, on the message board, some smorkbag claimed he heard from a friend at Capital (sic) Records that the likes of Korn, Limp Bizkit, and many other unlistenable bands were a go. And to which, someone retorted, ‘my friend at Mc donalds says the hamburgler is goin to headline night 1.’ Does anyone else find this humorwristic or do I need to get out more?

– Southwest Airlines to start flying out of real airports like LaGuardia and DC’s Reagan National… sorta.

– If someone out there is looking to start a blog and has no idea what to blog about, may I peas implore of you and bribe you with Girl Scout Cookies to make one dedicated to the finest sports and talk show on TV: Pardon The Interruption. This guy attempted to do so, but dropped the ball in ’02. Either way, how is it possible that PTI ever jumped the shark?

– What’s “continental” about a continental breakfast?

– Clicky here if yer dying to convert a specific dollar amount from the past to its present value, for any year after 1789. [via Cecil McKnowledge]

– Bryan Berg stacks cards for a living.

– I Killed My Lesbian Wife, Hung Her on a Meat Hook, and Now I Have a Three-Picture Deal at Disney. That’s no headline, but Ben crApffleck’s directorial debut!?!?! [via CopyCatism]

– If you vote for Mike Birbiglia, I may get free sausages.

– Dizzee Rascal spackled my tackle box with Samantha Fox! Flazzum! Basically anytime Peabs posts, I’ll mos likely link to it. I mean, is there anyone more brilliant and beautiful than he is? Wait a sec, I think I may have just found the heir apparent to Andy Rooney!

– Mr Little Penis Gives Up. [SFW, not this SFW mind you!]

– And now it’s time for you all, my dear readers, to help decide the fate of the ‘Spot the Drummer’ thing you see here every Friday. Do any of you ever click on the pic (below) and play the game or should I just get rid of the whole damn thing so we can move on with our lives?

– Me didn’t even think of it until today, but my flavorite author of the bowel moment and Sri Lankan resident, Arthur C Clarke, is alive and well.

– Everyone gave Gweniee & Chris Boring such a hard time for naming their baby Apple. Well, I guess ‘Nappies‘ didn’t help matters, but how come I haven’t heard one peep about Beck & Sister Ribisi naming their golden child Cosimo? Ah, who cares, at least Beck’s supposedly gonna rap on his new album.

– Add Doves to the Coachella line-up.

– Lincoln, Spielberg, Neeson. A nice.

– Bob Marley’s remains to be moved to Ethiopia. Don’t worry folks, he’ll still be surrounded by people who don’t wash their hair and smoke pot in the name of the Ja. Sounds like the life to me!

– Playboy Playmate On Trial For Assaulting Boyfriend’s Ex-Girlfriend At Nightclub. The best part of the whole story is it proves that Jeff Garcia is NOT gay. [via Fleaski]

– Is there nothing more rougher than a Jewish rapper named Cleetus Friedman who sports Washington Bullets gear from head to toe? Yeah, ANYTHING! [via Setlzer with an ‘H’]

– Speaking of the Chosen People, aren’t they/we the only peeps who should be drinking Manischewitz fine grape wines? [via Navi via IsThatLegal?]

– Fear the Turtle bracelets? First of all, no one fears playing the Terps anymore and secondly, no one fears a man/woman/child who wears a bracelet. Juss ask the bullied fat kids.

– Zack Morris, AC Slater, and Screech rapping [Qwiktime]. To some a whorrible nightmare, but to Kelly Kapowski’s lil sis, a wet dream come true. [via Double V via College Hummers]

– World’s wurstest animated gif featuring Clinton Portis can be found right here. [via Jay Bilzzzz$$]

– World’s wurstest album cover can be found right here.

– Say No To Grampa Joe

– Tr3nt, if you keep posting about J-L Spears, I’m afraid bad and dirty things might happen to myself as well as others. Please note that I didn’t say stop. And to help us get our minds outta the gutter, here’s a collage of Her Royal Thighness The II proving that you don’t have stop wearing white after labor day… hispecially if you hail from the supple lands of Nepal.

CTU is in shambles these days. What kind of a counter-terrorism unit fires its best, and most proficient mouth breather, yet retains the services of the ever annoying and Dark Crystal lookin Chloe O’Brian/Mary Lynn Rajskub, hires an inept and bumblin’ ex-Sopranos FBI agent, and assigns one of it’s finest wurst wurstest wurstestest special agents, Erin E-coli, to run the place. I mean, not only does her character make disastrous decisions about every 4 seconds, but she is one le mos awful awfuller awfulistic microwaved-tunaish actresses in modern history. And what’s with that fugtacular hair bizatchazoid? You’re so tres nasT, that I’d rather bang Nina Bangs or Lester Bangs, than get anywhere near you and yer she-bangs.

– This just in: PITT & ANISTON SPLITSVILLE! DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN! KERRY CHOOSES GEPHARDT! THIGHSMAN LOVES CORN!

– Records are made to be broken, even if they involve Rubik’s Cube [wma vid via Lou Malnati’s #1 Fan]

– McShoarma: the commercial. [via Ultrrramint via Jedidiah]

– Speaking of McDoogle’s, who knew they had a catalog, let alone one loaded with such goodies as: a Big Mac lookin’ mug/pen/towel/paper cube, Let’s Go To McDonald’s® Game (it’s no game, it’s a lifestyle), Titleist® balls, Ronald action figure set, more mugs, am ‘i’m lovin’ it™‘ Trucker’s hat and what has got to be their lowest selling item, a gym bag.

– Jay-Z vs. Nena, ‘99 Luft Problems‘. Thanks gord! I mean, how many moons is this mash-up overdue? [via My Man Marvkus via Leafblower via BlueState]

– Kelisnas Naskelis

– BRIT Awards noms announced. U2, Archdukes, and Scizssiors Sistahs will perform. Why do American award shows, besides the Oscars, blow kak muffins?

– Lettuce all cross our finger-banging fingers for a Director’s Cut of Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. Hopefully one of the 17 cut scenes features Chris Isaak serenading a heavy breathing Kiefer Sutherland with ‘Wicked Game’, while a midget dances.

– Best of luck Halps. Send me some neutral chocolate, watches, and bank accounts. And if you see Pirmin Zurbriggen or Simon Ammann, do send my love.

– Mouse pad couch. [via Steak & Shaker]

– ‘Dizzee Rascal likes razzleberry falafel waffles‘. What kind of genius could pen such penis (genius + pen = penis)? Yeats? Keats? Yates? Tina Yothers? Nope, the Coz.

– Man Eats Raw Duck Before Undies Save Him. Come again? …and all over my face?

– And did I mention how much 24 is lacking in uber-udder-ultra-ulti-umbro-hotness this season? I mean, no one could run away from homicidal maniacs, bears, and Matt Dillon’s brother AND look good, they that you did kid. Kisses on yer Hershey highway to your thighway.