Thighs Wide Shut

Hipsters and Fannings, some say mos un-scariest Halloween since H20…

• The first images from Young Hannibal have been unearthed. By the looks of it, and the dude that be playing Dr Lecter, they shoulda saved their money and juss re-released Crispin Glover’s Willard with the name ‘Thomas Harris’ somewhere on the poster.

• December 5th is too far away, so will someone steal the masters to The Archdukes cover of Air’s ‘Sexy Boy’ and put it in a place we can all find it, LIKE THE INTERNETS? And if yer not eggcited by this prospect, you snobviously don’t know yer pseudo-gay French electronic hotness from yer pseudo-gay Hungarian goulash notness. D-lode the original here and lets move on with our lives.

• In the dark about this whole Plame Game? Norm does us a flavor and posted a vid of 60 Minutes‘ expose on the subject, juss in case yer an unedjewmactaed person who doesn’t watch CBS after fooball. Anywho, please do not let Ed Bradley’s earring distract you from the truth

• And as an added bonus, ask Andy Rooney a question. I double dog dare you!

• HBO ensures that I won’t be canceling my subscription for years to come… well, at least until they announce a 12th year of The Sopranos where each episode revolves around a character watching TV. Oh wait, that’s what happened on every ep last season. [via The Kiddie Fiddler]

• Listen yerself a listen to Jarvis and Co’s ‘This Is the Night’ jounks from the Harry Pothead And The Goblet Of Fire sdtrk. What rockin tunes you got Chronic of Narnia, some Christian crud like 12 Stones?

• Speaking of sdtrks, Meg White’s solo work for Bob Odenkirk’s latest will probably end up in more bargain bins than Temple of the Dog. I’m going hungrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeee!!

• Which enlistment would be more torturous, the Iraqi Army or Lindsay Lohan’s I-Squad? Either way, you may have to give up your life for the sake of the team. Cause their is no ‘nip-slip’ in ‘team’

• Probably the mos genius Apple ][+ Grandaddy music video you’ve never did see [via TOSQS]

• Refarted GoogleVideo fun: the dance of Yoda, silly Asians, and Kirk Cameron on Christ [via Cefle, Shady Harry’s Son, and Socialighter]

• This, that, and these other thangs

• 7 Pink Panther/Sweet’n Low recipes I hope no one ever serves

• Bid on Vincent Gallo’s Sperm [via ONTD]

• And did I tell y’all that I finally cast the three leads in my first of 29 films co-produced by Amblin Entertainment? Say hello to the silver screen’s mos classy and sexiest ninja hooker water polo-playin socialist trio of assassins from Bosnia-Herzegovina, your wet cream dream team, Charlie’s Angles

And a great time to have a crazy mustache and be a fan of four zillion uniform changes since 1900!!

• Even I think this more tasteless than Fruit Stripe gum. I mean, she’s only 11, she’s my adopted daughter, and I’m sure this kid already gave her cooties for life! [via De-Fame Her]

• I haven’t been this teased since that chick in the Crying Game turned out to be a dude

• Hollywood, we seriously need to talk

• Good luck with that Radcliffe, and that too. You make Frodo look as straight as Rock Hudson Tab Hunter Sheryl Swoopes… errrrrrrrr, I give up. Frodo is as gay as you are.

• Speaking of GAY… so this whole t.A.T.u. faux gay thing may be faux faux. Either way they swing, I’m all faux it

• Twats even more uneggceptable than the peace the fork outtings of the G-Men’s version of Jack Can’t Cooke and the voice who made the world safe for ho’s? How bout the choking on a ham sandwichedness/death of the mos famous person to ever hail from Bestine IV AND win the Kenobi Medallion award AND who said such classic things as…

“Red Six standing by.”

“I’m right with you red three.”

“I’ve got a problem here.“

“I can hold it.”

“No I’m alright, I’m alrightaaaarrrrrggghhhhh….”

You may know him as Red Six, or King of Yavin, or Tono, or Piggy, or even Belly Runner, but I know him bestestest as

JEK PORKINS

A Long Time Ago (In A Galaxy Far Far Away)-2005
[via Bilboe Big’uns]

• Can you say, Cuthwurst?

• Dr Lawrence Jacoby divulges the biggest Twin Peaks mystery of them all… how he found his signature eyewear

• Still figuring out what yer getting me for my b-day on November the 7th? Look no further, and I even have the shoes to match! [hotness via G-spot-hattan]

• Battle of the (unattractive) Dutch Babes. You’ll never see so many ‘j’s in names again in yer life!! [via Daaaaaaan]

…although these British “babes” could give those Dutch un-treats a run for their yucky

…then again, this lil Liverpudlian owns my mos flavorite pair of fake bazoombas in our galaxy

• Worst Little Leaguer of The Year Award. How much you wanna bet their fathers coach their teams?

• Ski Dubai? Can’t wait to taste the hummus at the lodge! [via Cubetacular]

• A Closer Look At The World Around Us: An HP LaserJet Printer Box

• The Breast AND Wurst in generic brand Halloween costumes. And the Boo Berry ‘stume is by far the mos un-boo boo related thing mt everest… next to Boog Powell, snatchurally

• And before ya go, I want to help you help you. Have you heard Supergrass’ new super mark duper grassy Thigh Master approveduper album Road To Rouen yet? Even if ya have, would ya like to win dat + some other funilicious things like stuff and more things? Two RANDOM peeps will win, and one of the two will be the coolest kid in school, or place of bidness (or funemployment like me), with this berry limited edition TinyMeat made thIghPod case! All ya have to do is answer the following three questions, and she-male me wit yer name and addy!!!

1) Which Supergrass song appeared on the Clueless soundtrack?
2) Who was Jek Porkins’ best friend?
3) What am I wearing right now?

On behalf of Mark Duper (who is probably Supergrass fan #1), this is Edward R Snoozer saying, good night, and good luck!!!

BILL GATES ADMITS TO
BEATING OFF TO CUTHBEST

Well, sort of
[via Takin It In The Kanner]

• I want to live in a country where HRT the IV’s new do is national news… or in a country where pot costs as much as stroopwaffles

• Since David Copperfield can’t seem to get laid anymore, he’s going to impregnate ladies the only way he knows how…

• 2nd helpings of Dangerdoom are on the way, along with a tour with the Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Space Ghost in full costume. No word on if it will be a coast to coast kinda thang.

• Blur’s going to drop their new adventures in lo-fi by year’s end. Graham Coxon still missing in action. Thigh Master still drooling. Damon Albarn’s voice is 2nd best to Alba’s a$$

• Orlando Snooze, back where he belongs, in any pre-industrial revolution era

• Mark my words, Ariel Gade is the next Dakota Fanning. And as well all know, that can mean only one thing.

• While some of us love Rachael Ray and her big mouth, others do not. Either way, lettuce all make peace and grease ourselves up looking at her FHM spread for the 4 thousand thousandth time. [via Laing Sack of Shiiiiiiiit]

• Help the Redskins help breasts. Too bad they were never able to help their own biggest boob, Heath Shuler.

• The Music Video Database. Cause how else are we gonna figure out that Lethal Weapon kingpin Richard Donner directed Cyndi Lauper’s ‘The Goonies R Good Enough’ thumcredible video, which features the likes of Rowdy Roddy Piper, Nikolai Volkov, the Iron Sheik, and of course Cpt Lou Albano?

• Remember Ross? I don’t either, but he’s currently co-starring in Bayside! The Un-musical!. Some say 2nd best use of $5 since offering the same amount to Jimmy Smits for bless my sister’s wedding.

• Do you Netflix it up? If so, send me your email addy and we can become Netflix pals. Cause I know yer dying to know how many stars I gave Apt Pupil and Freddy Got Fingered

• Free passes to Ryan Reynolds Is Fat & Unfunny, And Then Skinny & Unfunny + Richard Gere Gets Off On Spelling

• What’s the story morning horny with the 13th floors of buildings? And what’s the story with Gretchen Mol’s career post Thirteenth Floor? [via Johnny Dollar Bill]

• This priest is right at holmes when it comes to homo bashing [audio] . I think he’s a lil insane in my behind’s membranes. [via Ceffle]

• And blessed be photog Karina Taira, who combined the beauty of HFutureRT Camilla Belle and the neo-hipness of every chick you’ve ever seen on the Cobra Snake!!!

North Country
Enemy Mine
View Trailer

Director Niki Caro is the unofficial Queen of women empowerment movies these days. She hit gold, at least in my heart, with 2003’s Whale Rider, and she does it here once again with her beautiful and touching exploration of sexual harassment in a male-dominated Minnesota mine with her latest, North Country. And I guess it’s also safe to say that Charlize Theron’s Oscar win for Monster was no fluke either, as she chips in equally great work as the woman who won’t stand by as the men treat her like shit and literally smear shit in her locker room. Although the story plays out in a very cookie-cutter kinda way, from the constant abuse to the eventual courtroom showdown, this film rises above on the strengths of its super supporting cast. Sure, you know you’re gonna get home runs with Frances McDormand and Sissy Spacek (barely in it) on your squad, but the guys here get their chance to shine too. When’s the last time you applauded Woody Harrelson and not laughed at him? Or respected Sean Bean’s acting chops and not his sword and gun play? Or took interest in such small time players as the father from Six Feet Under, the dude from 24 who gave his life to save ours, and that guy, who’s that guy?? Probably never. EVERYONE else in the movie was franztastic as well. I wish I could make mention of them all, but I have eggshausted my wit dry. Maybe they should add a category at the Academy Awards for best casting director, cause my girl Mali Finn needs some major props for a job well done, past and present. I mean, she also did the casting for The Girl Next Door, and for that she should be knighted (or is it damed?).

Recommended for those who like: do-gooders, do-rags, and doo-doo graffiti

Possible Porno Name: North Cunt Try

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Norma Rae

Good Night, And Good Luck
More Smoke Than Mirrors
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Help me here people, cause I’m obviously missing something. This movie was not at all riveting, far from compelling (unlike the trailer makes it to be), and to be bluntly honest, boring. I think these events, of Edward R Murrow and his CBS posse boldly questioning Senator McCarthy’s Red Scare crusade tactics and practices, are mos def worthy of re-telling, but it would have been far more engrossing as one hour doc on the Hitler Channel instead. Cause outside of the real archival footage of Joe Mc yelling, the spot on Oscar nomination worthy work of David Strathairn as Ed R (this year’s Jamie Foxx???), and the beautiful B&W cinematography, there aint nothing in between, cept more static than an Indian Head test pattern. Well maybe there is something, if you consider something to be people rabidly smoking cigarettes, drinking scotch, and reading reviews aloud from several newspapers. We’re supposed to empathize with the CBSers taking a giant career risk with these landmark broadcasts, but we’re barely let into their lives. Pretty much every scene takes place in the newsroom, and since there were only like 2 or 3 broadcasts in total (I thought there woulda been more for some reason), it was more like a snoozeroom. George Clooney, as he did in his directorial debut Confessions of A Dangerous Mind, seems to be too preoccupied with trying to make a super-cool movie, then a concise, coherent, good movie. I’ll give him an ‘A’ for effort (although it’s spelled with an ‘e’), but a ‘Z’ followed by a lot of little ‘zzzzzzzzzzzzz’s for Good Night.

Recommended for those who like: Jimmy Cooper, Leland Palmer, and the CBS eye

Possible Porno Name: Good And Tight, And A Good F&ck

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Guilty By Suspicion

Into The Blue
2 Fast, 2 Amphibious
View Trailer

If they really wanted to get the most bang for their buck, they shoulda juss called this popcorn pleaser Jessica Alba’s Ass In Water. I mean, is there any other reason to spend money to go and see this? Certainly not for Scott Caan shirtless on a sea doo, James Frain’s grimace face, or Tyson Beckford’s broke-hawk. YIKKKEES-a-rooni!!! Come to think of it, there is not much to recommend about this, considering that Paul Walker hactually out acts the Alba (oh LORD), but the name of the game here is PG-13 funtertainment, not thespianoics! So lettuce not get all technical and speak only of the films’ one true asset. Oh Alba, why is your ass so amazing? Why is it even more thumbcredible when I see it with a bikini bottom swimming in the ocean blue? Why isn’t your ass the governor of California? Why isn’t your ass the national ass of America? Do you even fart? Do you poop rose petals and Yankee Candles? Does your ass have its own agent? Can I buy your ass? Can we all rent it out by the hour and rub Cool-Whip all over it? Will you duet with Guru and release an album entitled Assmatazz? Could your ass cure asthma? Would you consider starring in your own daytime soap called Ass The World Turns? I’ll be your Wesley and you’ll be my Buttercup, and whatever task you ask of me, I shall reply, ‘Ass you wish‘.

Recommended for those who like: this, this, and this

Possible Porno Name: Into The Pink

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the original, The Deep, which stars, get this, Nick Nolte, Louis Gossett Jr., Jacqueline Bisset, Robert Shaw, AND Eli Wallach!?! Note: I have never seen this movie and therefore cannot vouch for its awesomeness or poo-poo-platterness

…until next time, the balcony is clothed