Thighs Wide Shut

– Searching for the ultimate LL boob pic? Search no further and click me now. As to the authenticity of the photo, Da Fake Detective (fake-detective.com) was quoted on el f.u.b.a.r., “If it’s a fake, I can see no true signs of fakery.” Case closed. Now we just have to find out if dem babies is real!

– The Siren Festival just got a lil louder. And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead, Mission Of Burma, Electric Six, Vue, and The Thermals have been added to the already stellar line-up. See you on the Boardwalk… juss stay away from me and my Nathan’s corn dog farts. [Buzz right back at cha ProductChopNyc]

– Havana, Rio de Janeiro, Istanbul, and Leipzig have all been eliminated as Summer Olympic 2012 candidates. Like any of them had a friggin chance against the five final heartbeats: Paris, New York, Moscow, London, and Madrid. Note to IOC: please don’t bring the Olympics to our already smelly/busy/crazy/beautiful city. Unless hot dog eating becomes an event.

– Texas has the finest instruments and education… a student dares another student into drinking chemicals. I wonder what would have happened if he just choose the “Physical Challenge“?

– Willie Hung hung high above the Backstreet Boys, Lenny “Un-Original” Kravitz, and many others as the Wango Tango On-Air Festival headliner. Seriously, when’s this joke going to end? He’s already surpassed his 15 minutes of fame by about 30 minutes!

– Finally, my father, Thigh Master The I, is the f-in man. Not only does he rock the beard like no other, but he always gives back to the community.

Brittany Murphy is wondering if Dakota Fanning will grow up more awkwardly than Haley Joel Omelette

1. Man On Fire – $22.7 million (New) – If anyone ever laid a finger on precocious ultra-child Dakota Fanning, I’d be a man on fire too!!! She is so adorable!!! Is it possible for me to adopt her? I don’t have much money, but we can eat at McDonald’s every day and go to Coney Island every weekend, like she and Brittany Murphy did in the shitpick, Uptown Girls. And please do not confuse this movie with the upcoming Johnny Cash biopic starring Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon.

2. 13 Going 30 – $21 million (New) – Why would I see this when I’ve already seen Tom Hanks’ Big. Don’t get me wrong, I love Mark Rufflesalallllao, but no Zoltar, no 10 dollars of mine. Plus, I’d rather be 26 going on 6. And am I the only one on planet USA who isn’t going gaga for Jennifer Garner? I mean she’s 30. That’s like being 106 years old in Hollywood. Time to forget about her and move onto 17 3/4-year-olds like Ms. LL, who ROCKS btw!

3. Kill Bill: Volume 2 – $10.4 million ($42.9 million) – Seeing this tonight. Full scathing review forthcoming.

4. The Punisher – $6.2 million ($24.1 million) – Thomas James has sometimes been credited as Tom Elliott, Tom Jane, Tom Janes, and just plain ole Tom. What, not love for Tom N Jerry?

5. Home on the Range – $3.5 million ($42.5 million) – I’m glad to see G.W. Bailey still working. It’s been a long time since his acting renaissance of 1986-1987: Burglar, Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, Mannequin, and Short Circuit.

Which is the worse bet, The Really Rottens or The Washington Generals?

6. Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed – $3.4 million ($76.7 million) – Screw the live-action. I’d rather see Hanna-Barbera’s Laff-A-Lympics brought to the big screen and have them deal with some of today’s hot topics: performance enhancing drugs and un-built stadiums, like the Summer Games in Greece. Can you bee leave that The Really Rottens were never overall medal winners?

7. Hellboy – $3.1 million ($54.8 million) – You’re off the hook for now HellBoo, cause Van HelSucks has replaced you in my world of hate.

8. Johnson Family Vacation – $3 million ($25 million) – How does a poopie-ass movie keep making kish cash when it receives 69 rotten tomatoes out of 74 total? On the flipside, dope-ass Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind received 160 fresh tomatoes out of 174 total and is almost out of theaters. See it b4 tits gone foreva.

9. Ella Enchanted $2.9 million ($17.4 million) – Hopefully this movie will be knocked off the top 10 next week so I don’t have to write about an Anne Hathaway movie until The Princess Diarrhea 2 is released.

10. Walking Tall – $2.6 million ($40.5 million) – If he’s the next Schwarzenegger, then’s who’s the next the Rock? Peebles or Bamm Bamm?

– A Wisconsin cop downs 9 1/2 donuts in 3 minutes to win a doughnut-eating contest. HA! I once ate like 20+ White Castle shitburgers in less than 3 minutes. Maybe our mouths will meet up (that sounds awfully gay, doesn’t it?) at Nathan’s Annual 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest.

Every fat person’s wet dream

Thank you for helping me pass High School English

– A rare copy of Hamlet failed to sell at a Christie’s auction. Ya wanna know why? Cause no one has ever fully read it. And who needs to read the whole thing when there are like 8 movie versions and CliffsNotes.

– Finally, the reality show we’ve all been waiting for: “scrimmages and other behind-the-scenes activities” of the Lingerie Football League. Can I play permanent QB?