Thighs Wide Shut

– Looks like Field Day 2005 is a go, with R.E.M., Radiohead, Beck, The Cure, Neil Young, and the Beastie Boys as possible headliners. But Andrew Dreskin, if it turns into Failed Day Part Dos, heads will roll, including yers.

– Beck’s follow-up to his ultra boring Sea Change won’t drop til early 2005. Hurry the funk up, cause I need sumtang to get yer ‘back alley abortion of a performance‘ at Coachella outta my mind.

– Q Award nominations have been released. Will the Streets be alive with the sound of the Archdukes?

– The Warriors has never been screened in their home town of Coney Island… until it does on Rocktober 2, 10pm at Sideshows by the Seashore.

– Gary Oldman sez peace the fork out to Star Wars.

Saturday July 17th

After Prince, me and Curious George’s mum were more hungry than me family during Yom Kippur. We marched up and down Hell’s Kitchen with our mouths watering. McHale’s? Closed. Vynl? Ditto. We settled on the only place that looked decent and open (not in that order). This place be called Eatery. And Eatery be an f-in fantastic choice for semi-late at nite or whenever. It’s sorta like Houston’s, but without the really dark lighting. Grab yerself an Adobe Salad or the Mac and Jack. C’mon, when it comes to food, you can trust me!!!

Later that “day”… Woke up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across my head, and nowhere to be found was my friend Jed. Today was going to be hot and sweaty and filled with hipsters, so me and Curious George’s mum needed some pre-Siren-Fest-nurshiment. We headed to the only place for unrelievable $3.50 cubano sandwiches that rock the fliz-house: El Malecon II. Everything there is so deli-scrumptious that Doc Oc himself, Alfred Molina, said in Time Out NY that he munches down there.

We boarded el tren, with a Yes & Know pad in-hand (ours was for ages 11-111 only), and headed on down like the Warriors going to Coney Island. 17 days later (or how long it takes to get from the UWS to CI), we made it to our destination. Not much to describe other than we got high on The Wonder Wheel (swinging car for swingers only), rode the best wooden coaster ever, The Cyclone, twice, rocked a wee bit of skeeball and carnie games, got major swamp ass from the batting cages, ate a forkload of Nathan’s dogs, checked out bitz and pretzels of Electric Six, Blonde Redhead, and You Will Slow Us By The Smell Of The Dead (hard to hear music when a giant rollo coaster is right next to the stage), and also ate a mango on a stick! It was umcredible and here are some pictures of what umcredible looks like:

Sunday July 18

Bored myself to tears with my first visit to the American Museum of Natural History. Didn’t really have a “whale” of a good time looking at fake animals and Native peoples. My interests lie in the unknown, not the known. Therefore my cup of tea was filled in the space shills hizarea. Donated my liver and testicles and I still couldn’t afford the $17.50 (discounted) ticket to the Tom Hanks’ narrated Passport to the Universe flick. Eventually donated my sperm and we were clear for take off. The seats vibrated and I learned that our galaxy is in something called the Virgo Super Cluster. If I ever got that far away from Earth, I’d be so cluster-f%#ked. Wrapped it up with a quick trek round the best American art museum, El Met, scarfed down some mad kill-ill-ah pizza at Big Nick’s, passed out, then woke up for a nite of magical HBO.

Life hasn’t been this grand since I was circumcised.

And how bout some love for Ali G’s Kazakhstani cohort, Borat Sagdiyev. Remember this following classic exchange at the rodeo:

Borat – I once carry a woman against her will for near one mile.

Southern Man – You did? [to 2nd Southern Man] He carried a woman against her will for one mile!

2nd Southern Man – Oh really?!

Southern Man – Why’d you do that?

Borat – To show her my home

Southern Man – OK. She liked itwhen she got there?

Borat – Yees. She my wife now.

Well, Borat will be happy to learn that there’s a Wife Carrying World Championship held every year in Sonkajarvi, Finland.

And just for good ole thyme shiz and kibbles, here’s Drobnjak Manjaks’ interactive website. This is about the best thing that the NBA has to offer.

[Major link love via Joe E Tartar and The Hof of the Nads]

– What day is more precious to Americans than July 4th, Independence Day? July 2nd, aka the day Ms. Lindsay Lohan-Thighmaster turns a ripe 18!!!! FINALLY, I no longer have to be compared with the likes of Pee-Wee Herman or Jeffrey Jones!! And why don’t you just shut up San Francisco Chronicle reporter Peter Hartlaub. We all know you can’t wait for Kim Possible to turn legal.

– Wanna be cool like the Thigh Master? Then why don’t you bid on these Temple of Doom collectible glasses. No time for eating Dr Jones!

– First Seacrest and now Winslet out? She’s backing out of the Woodman’s London-set film cause of the heavy load on her shoulders… her breasts.

– Boy named ESPN to be visited by… ESPN!!!

– Set times have been posted for this summer’s Coney Island Siren Fest. Shit is going to be hotttttt like Buster Poindexter. Can’t wait to buy me fifteen chili dogs from Nathan’s.

– Casablanca’s answer to Planet Hollywood: Rick’s Cafe. Hopefully they don’t have Play It Again Sam-dwiches on their menu.

– Cleavage, one of the breast documentaries I’ve ever seen, airs again tonight on A&E at 8 pm.

– What sorta sounds and looks like South Park? Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s latest: Princess. [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

– The Newbs and his comedy series at Boston’s Regattabar got some nyce press in The Globe.

– Itching to know what ever happened to that Encyclopedia Britannica Kid or what columnist Weed McBonghit will do with life after Phish? Czech out my comrades over at Inside Joke.TV for those answers and much, much more.

My a$$ and grundle will be Louisville bound later on today. So I keep asking meself over and over, why the fudgecicles am I headed to the birthplaces of the L-Slugger bats and Muhammad Ali? Oh, yeah, the sausage fest better known as The 3rd Annual Lebowski Fest, that’s why!! Who knows what shennigans lay ahead this weekend for me and the Rocktown, MD boyz, but seeing many men dressed as Jesus can’t be all that bad, eh?

Anywho, here’s some crap to get you thru the day…

– Since So Sayeth the Peabs went the way of the VHS cassette, the Coz had to do something with his flizzum and ecto-flazzum. Unfortunately, that flimbozzol has been turned into a new cartoon called Fatherhood. Coz, wtf? Why not give the Peabs and the peoples what they want: Leonard Parts 1-5.

– Speaking of le Coz, his son Theo is going to play the Queen Mermaid in Coney Island’s annual Mermaid Parade, next Saturday, the 26th. And get this, the ever-bald Moby, he’s going to suit up to portray King Neptune!!

– Me favorite cartoon character ever, Donald Duck, is finally gettin’ some respect. He just got honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk o Fame, along with James “Scotty” Doohan.

– Raj Ebert’s gone insane. Although I have yet to see it, how could he give the shmaltz-a-thon known as The Terminal 3 n’ 1/2 stars and the breast comedy since Lebowski and Rushmore a measly 1 n’ 1/2 stars? This is the greatest injustice of halves since the Fonz directed Cop & 1/2.

– Madonna wants people to start calling her Esther. Madge, are you trying to make everyday be Purim or something? And also Material has-been, Jewish people don’t wear huge crosses or hump them either.

– My girl Vega$, and fellow LL fanatic, has just joined the Blogosphere. Her thang, Cityrag, hasn’t been up too long, but has already got the attention of them peeps over at Gawker, and for good reason, cause it f-in rocks… just like LL.

– Do you like bukkake? [Link via Tim “Fudger” Altie]

– Germans beware, there’s a samurai on the loose!

– And finally, an Oregon doctor told his patient that having sex with him would help her pelvic pain. I think tits about time I left my job at the cartoon porn factory and got my a$$ into the medical profession! Have a kick-a$$ weak end everyone!!!