Thighs Wide Shut

Pretty safe bet (like the Skins going to the NFC Championship next year, with Col Saunders) that I’m the only blozziggler out there under 29 years of age who last Sunday nite watched part 1 of 6 of PBS’ Masterpiece Theater‘s presentation of the newish BBC production of Charles’ Anti-Smite Dickintheasses’ Bleak House for the sole reason of feeding my Carey Mulligan obsession / compulsion by Calvin Clean. 98.7 percent of you probably still don’ts know who she is, cause either you didn’t see the KK the V’s Pride & P, or you did see it, but didn’t realize she was in it cause you were too wrapped up in Pikesville!! Well, 1 ep in, and not only is there mad CM cutie-pie screen time, but the effin production rocks more than pop rocks popping outta my cock that rocks!!! No doubt, since the BEEB also gaveth us the P & P mini-skirt/series with the one and only Mr Darcy, Colin Firthy RICH! Did I mention that Ewan McGregor’s uncle/WEDGE FROM STAR WARS was in it, and his character has the bestest name this side of Skandar Keynes, John Jarndyce?! It also stars that chick from The X-Files and Mona from My Summer of Love and Harry Pothead’s Uncle Vernon and many more, including this dude who’s like the British Crispin Glover. They’ll replay part 1 sometime before part 2 this Sunday, so check yer local listings and watch some dry boring British shit for change, eye gov’na? Anywho, I omitted one actor from the list above whom I love so dang much cause I wanted to do sum-tang special for him, and another bloke…

Thighs Wide Shut’s
SAG – HOF
(Screen Asshole Guild – Hall of Fame)
Inductees for 2006
UK/US
edish

Charles ‘Lets’ Dance & James ‘Bretton’ Woods
for eggcellence in screen assholeitude
as seen in such suchness as
Ali G Indahouse & The Golden Child
AND
Casino & Contact

Who you got for the ’07?

One more W Gary, and they may juss retire one of yer sweat-drained shirts when you retire!!

After peeping these snaps of B-Del-To as Che, me thinks the t-shirt image with some of that Conan lip shit woulda been a better casting choice. Not like it’s gonna be any good anylays, considering it’s the ex-Mrs Jules Asner’s project

On January 30, The Raconteurs (Jack White, Brendon Benson, and two other thugs) will release only 1k copies of their first single ‘Steady as She Goes’/’Store Bought Bones’. They should juss release one copy, and the internets will take care of the rest!!! [via Spin]

The love for Nelson never dies on Thighs: Nelson Detective Agency + bonus vid [via Drew Pict Hers]

89 Years of Vogue History… all dat hotness and still not as beatoffable as M’donna’s ‘Vogue’ video [via UMC & BM]

S T E E L E R B A B Y [via Crab Feast King]

fastr – a flickr game [via Met-i-cool]

Top Gun 2: Brokeback Squadron [vid via Daniel Brühl‘s stunt double]

The soap in the men’s bathroom at 60 Centre St smell like this. Justice may be blind, but last time I checked, they still had its sense of smell!!

And can you bee leave that Kayne West thinks he’s the second coming of Moses???? What, you didn’t see him on the latest cover of Highlights magazine? I guess you haven’t visited your local pediatrician or pediadentist’s office recently, eh? He may be a gold digger, but he aint a sea parter!!! Only C-Hes and his teeth are worthy of that!

Oh what, that cover too contra (up up down down left right left right B A select start) verse e al for ya? How bout the latest choice in Her Royal Thighness, Ms VI Warshawski??? Some claim she’s more chunky than Chunky A eating a box of Chunkys, or that her and Brian Pepper’s sister are lesbian lovers, but me donts care, cause me and my British da magic bomb shell are getting along swimmingly the english channel 4!!! We already have a nickname for the way we make love: Coyletus. And like the opposite of Trick Daddy [d-lode], the kids, love her!!

Hmm, photocorning my head on photos looks kinda fun. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!!!! ENTER OUR CONTEST OR BE FORCED TO READ ABOUT WHAT KIND OF POOP LINDSAY LOHAN HAD TODAY (corn poopie for the record) and EVERYDAY UNTIL HER BROTHER CODY STARTS TAKING FAMOUS DUMPS!!!

Top TENenbaums
But We Does
A Dirty Dozen
This Year

1) Munich
2) The Squid and The Whale
3) Crash
4) Everything Is Illuminated
5) Crónicas
6) Mysterious Skin
7) Enron: The Smartest Guys In The Room
8) Me and You and Everyone We Know
9) Brokeback Mountain
10) Dear Frankie
11) Match Point
12) The Island

Many A Honor Blackmanable Mentions: Downfall, North Country, Constant Gardner, Paradise Now, Ballad of Jack and Rose, Bee Season, Sin City, Junebug, Cinderella Man, Breakfast on Pluto, Pride & Prejudice, 2046, and My Summer of Love

Mooovies I Really Wanted To See But Never Did: Dark Water, Kingdom of Heaven, Lord of War, The Weather Man, The New World (it was out in 2005 for 2 seconds), and The Legend of Zorro (regardless of how bad they say it is)

2nd Annual
Thighs Wide
Movie Awards

They Coulda Been A Contender

Walk The Line
Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy
The Interpreter
The Brothers Grimm

Bestest Quote

Jack Twist: [referring to Ennis] I wish I knew how to quit you.

Wurstest Quote

Darth: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
[YTMND: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, & 7]

M Night Shamalamadingdong’s
BratWurstest Twist of The Year

[GIFt via XANA Claus]

The Woman Being Chased By The Killer
IS THE KILLER
in
Haute Tension
i guess i didnt review it,
oh well!

Guiltiest Pleasures Starring HRTnesses
That Made Me Pleasures Myself
Guiltily

Domino & House of Wax

World’s Mos Pointless Movie About Sewing That I Forced Myself To Watch Only Cause My Parents Paid For My Admission

Sequins

Funniest Movie of the Year

n/a

Better Luck Next Year!!

CGI That Binks Stinks
Wurser Than Jar Jar

General Grievous
& his über annoying nagging cough

Tatum O’Neal
Youngin Bestness Award

Flora Cross & Georgie Henley

Mos Thumbcredibly Beautiful
Yet Confusing Movie
About A Year Since
2001

2046

Replacer of Carrot Top
As Chief of Box Office Poison

Eugene Levy
as seen in
The Man
Cheaper The Dozen 2
& the straight to video American Pie: Band Camp

Bestest Impression of a
Wes Anderson Soundtrack
From A Movie
Produced By
Wes Anderson

‘Family Conference’ [d-lode]
by Dean Wareham & Britta Phillips

BratWurstest 20 Minutes
of A Speilbergo Movie Ever

Andy Dufresne
in War of The Worlds

Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Romola Garai
Haguy Wigdor
& Skandar Keynes

Trailers That Got Me
Mo Jazzed Than Jazzercise

Narnia (teaser)
Sin City (trailer 1)
Domino
War of the Worlds
Ths Island

Songs From Trailers
That Make Me Want To Smoke
Bongs With Norman Mailer

‘Changes’ [d-lode]
by 2PAC
from Coach Carter trailer

‘The Wings’ [d-lode + remix]
by Gustavo Santaolalla
from Brokeback Mountain trailer

‘Jesus Walks’ [d-lode]
by Kanye West
from Jarhead teaser

‘Put A Spell On You’ [d-lode + more]
by Creedence
from The Ballad of Jack & Rose trailer

‘Nirvana’ [d-lode]
by El Bosco
from Millions trailer

‘God Moving Over The Face Of The Waters’ [d-lode]
by Moby
from Syriana trailer
& Heat, One Day In September, and the new Jack Bauer/Intel/Mac commerish

Hotness I Never Knew Eggsisted
But Spankfully Do Now

Camilla Belle
Carey Mulligan
& Nicole Vicius

The Gus van Sant
Most Pretentious/Wurstest Movie
That I Watched Wit Trent

A History of Violence

The Only Reason To See
Into The Blue

Alba’s Ass In Water

The Only Reason To See
The Fantastic Four

Alba’s Ass In Spandex

Not The Only Reason To See Sin City
But Should Be

Alba’s Ass In Leather
+ Lasso Goodness

Bestest Movies I Netflixed

Porniest Names
My Genius Brain Ponyed Up

On Your Knees Season
(Bee Season)
München Box
(Munich)
Scatman Crothers Begins To Jazz’s All Over Yer Momma’s Face
(Batman Begins)
My Elevated Shaft In Your Swallows
(Elevator To The Gallows)
A Hysterectomy of Violence
(A History of Violence)
BangRon (Jeremy): The Dirtiest Sluts In The Room
(Enron: The Smartest Guys In The Room)
George Teague Bangs Ordinary Gentleman
(League of Ordinary Gentlemen)
Mysterious Skin
(Mysterious Skin)
House of Wax Dat Ass
(House of Wax)
The Cockcicles of Hornyia: Laying The Bitch On The Whoredrobe
(DUH)
Grizzly Man Tits
(Grizzly Man)
2046nine
(2046)

The Death to Smoochy Award
for Worstest Picture of the Year

Be Cool
Stay
Hide and Seek
Boogeyman
The Amityville Horror
& The Aristocrats

Movies To Look For in 2006

5 Fast, 5 Furious
Swiss Miss, Gang Bang
Mmm-Bop: Hanson Warriors
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Wilburys
Howl, Harold, & Kumar Move Into White Castle

Me saw something close to 100 movies in the theater this year. How’d you do, losers? Or were you too busy listening to that Sufjan Stevens album to go see anything? Fine, be that way. But don’t fergot the ’04, the ’03, and the ’02, or Papa and Mumsy Master’s picks for the ’05! They have grrrrrrrrrrreat taste… snatchurally/boviously, they is my parents

Movies Mumsy Ejoyed
1) Brokeback Mountain
2) Mysterious Skin
3) Crash
4) Capote
5) Breakfast On Pluto
6) The Squid and The Whale
7) 5 way tie* Paradise Now, Off The Map, The Edukators, King Kong, Ladies In Lavender

*She could not separate cause she thought all these movies are on the same level

Mumsy’s Worst Movies
Bewitched
Land of the Dead
The Brothers Grimm
Fun With Dick and Jane
“Sorry Jim–Why did you pick this film to star in?”
– Mumsy Master

Mumsy’s Most Disappointing
Charlie And the Chocolate Factory
“Sorry Johnny Depp–You didn’t play this character well.”
– Mumsy Master

Papa’s Frtias
1) Touch the Sound
2) Murderball
3) Dear Frankie
4) Breakfast on Pluto
5) Paradise Now
6) Mysterious Skin
7) Hustle & Flow
8) Memory of a Killer
9) 3-Iron
10) Sin City
11) Go for Zucker

Papa’s Props
Best Actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
Best Soundtrack: The Squid and The Whale
Most Disappointing (not the worst): Duce Bigillow
Does Europe [sic]
Best Holocost Film: Ninth Day
Most Twists: Dot the I

Hope you enjoyed that folks. As we say goo-bye, I’d like to send out some boos to the Golden Globes, the NFL Playoffs, and anyone who puts Wedding Crashers or The 40-Year Old Virgin on their Top Ten lists.

Pride & Prejudice
Mind Your Mannerisms
View Trailer

To all the bob fellas out there, if you wanna guarantee yerself some post-viddying poo-nanny that be gooeyer than a box of melted Milk Duds, den take yer mate/bitch/ho/mother to ANY movie that’s produced under the umbrella of Working Title Films (Johnny English is the eggception to the rule). Juss don’ts come crying to me if the best you get is an above clothes hand job, but you’ll still gonna be better off than if you take that special lady to see Doom, which not very ironically also stars the up and bubbling Pikey von Pikeyson. So what’s there left to say? Pfffffffff, like you all even need any more elbowing in yer groin to go and see this fun-teempth delightful adaptation of Jane Austen’s mastercheese battle of the classes and hot asses!! First off, it’s required by Thighlandian law that you pay good (or EVIL) money to see this, since our beloved Royal Thighness the Firth is the star of the show (no more days of decoying for her), and you’ll be rewarded cause she still looks abso thumcredible with ratty hair and lil to no make-up!!! Second off, P&P is so effin charming that it’ll make you shit yer pants with Lucky Charms and Charms’ Blow-Pops, while you’ll be forced to wipe it up with some Charmin in one hand and some charm bracelets in the other. Third off, Dame Judi Dench is in it and she’s a dame, and it’s required by British law that frankly Scarlett, you have to give a dame. Fourth off, Jack Bauer’s dad and Brenda Blethyn RULE more than a left-handed ruler!!! And final-off, as I blathiemed yesterday, Carey Mulligan is kinda fuglican in the movie, but there’s something about her that’s more charming than 7+ seasons of the WB’s Charmed

Recommended for those who like: many a Non-Us-Hotties (sans Jena Malone, who isn’t foreign or a hottie), rad ye olde hats like the one Pat the Patriot rocks, and movies directed by dyslexics

Possible Porno Name: Wide & Shoveyourthinginthis

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the Colin Firth BBC version, which I myself, will soon be flixing

Further Fun: Mr Brave New World himself, Aldous Huxley was one of the screenwriters for the 40s version starring Laurence Olivier. He also wrote one of the early screenplays for Disney’s Alice In Wonderland. He is in no way related to Theo Huxtable, although had he lived in the 80s, I bet he would’ve written 14 novels in his honor.

Aeon Flux
Eye Candy That’s All Wrapper, And No Candy
View Trailer

Had Aeon Flux rocked the cash bar, like The Island did earlier this slummer, I would have officially welcomed, with open thighs and warm pies, the long overdue renaissance of my mos flavorite film genre, dystopian shiznopian (tubes), which last reigned in the late 60s and early 70s (i.e., Clockwork O, THX-1138, Planet del Apes, Zardoz, and even Woody Allen’s Sleeper). That’s not to say that the Flux sucked, but with all that it had going for it (Theron looking like a slightly slendererer Tiffany A Thiessen, Theron’s Oscar-winning North Country co-star, Theron in whatever you call this (but not this), Johnny Lee Miller with high collars, recockulous special effects, five zillion cherry blossom trees (but no girls [audio]), a giant floating mushroom thing, spires (which always = the future), and Kobayashi (no, not the eating one) in a thing that sorta looks like the thing that the big headed dudes wore in The Neverending Story), I couldn’t bee leave it was not butter! All show, with nothing to show for it.

Recommended for those who like: Colin Farrell’s ex, chicks with hands for feet, and the uncredited actor who played Poggle the Lesser

Possible Porno Name: Anal Flux (Capacitor)

Unsatisfied with this? Sit and wait for aeons (get it!) until dem bastards decide to release The Maxx on DVD

Further Fun: all about Æ/æ

Jarhead
Welcome To The Suck
View Trailer

OK, I get it. The first Gulf War was boring. All these men (and woman!) gave so much of themselves for about as much conflict as when my parents argue as to who’s gonna empty the kitty litter. But did ya have to bore the audience as well (and again) Sam ‘Road to ZZZZZZZzition‘ Mendes? And if yer gonna make a war movie without taking a side or a stance, at least try to make a point, besides that masturbation and Santa hats in the desert are funny. This is far and away, the most disappointing flick and floundering use of talent since… Far & Away? Maybe that was a bit harsh, but c’mon, we were all hoodwinked by the ‘Jesus Walks’ [d-lode] infused ads. The song doesn’t even make its cameo until the closing credits roll, and by then, you more likely to nod off than nod yer head.

Recommended for those who like: all things boo and boring, like Hebrew School, the coupling of Orlando Snooze and Kate BOOOSworth, and doing it with yer Grandmother

Possible Porno Name: Jizzhead

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the first 45 minutes and 21 seconds of a real war movie, Full Metal Jacket

Further Fun: Rumor has it that the only two pieces of Star Wars memorabilia that George Lucas sports in his office are a Chewbacca mug and a R2D2 cookie jar. Don’t be like George. Be yerself and get the Bobba Fett Cookie Jar Head

Until next time my lil droogie howser MDs, the balcony is clothed

Cause wees aint too far away from Rocky 5000

[see more snaps from the next Balboa bout | via Pakula Shaker]
• Heard the new Strokes album yet? Don’t even bother and juss listen to ‘Our Gawd Is An Awesome Gawd’ [d-lode] over and over like I did this past weekend

• The 2006 Independent Spirit Awards should be a whale of a time. Good night, and good luck to Good Night, And Good Luck

• The 2006 Sundance Film Festival should be a squid of a time, with such new hotness from the likey likes of Michel Gondry, Jonathan Demme, Wim Wenders, Terry Zwigof, and Nick Cassavetes. No word if Drama or Turtle will return to romance the same woman, or to shop Romancing The Stone 3

• The mos illiest Bat Mitzvah of 5766, thus far

• From the desk of Andy Rooney: Andy Rooney’s desk

• John Franklin scared the living daylights outta me in Children of The Corn, and so did the design of his official website

• Borat learns the ways of American Football. HI FIVE!!!

• King Kong doesn’t arrive in theaters til next week, but if yer mad jonesing, feel free to contact the real King Kong, or his imposter, King Kong, or eat at the King Kong restaurant in Brooklyn. Or don’t, and continue to play Donkey Kong Jr Math

• Bless those intersleuthing for ‘Wilson Jermaine Heredia and a-rod‘ and ‘thigh master really work?‘

• The gift that keeps on blinging [via Ceffle]

• Ditka + Grabowski = CLICK NOW [via The Meat Hook]

• And while Her Royal Thighness the Colin Firth is having a case of no nipple regrets, mine eyes have shifted attention to her Pride & Prejudice sistah [soon to be reviewed, PROMISE]. No, not Pikey, but lil Kitty, played by the relatively unknown Carey Mulligan. She may not appear to be quite the Dane Looker according to these snaps (next to KK), but lemme tell you, she’s got a certain gumption that makes conjunction junction function beyond function. Camilla’s still the heir to the bone, but my thighs are always wide open to fresh clams. We’ll keep a tab, shift, alt, and ctrl on you lil one!

Post Script – so you alls and Lou Rawls couldn’t come up with a measly 78 comments? I’ll hold off on the quitting flizz until the Skins win a Super Bowl (which will be in February), but I demandeth of you my fellow Thighlanders thateth you continue to write nonsensical stuff about man a$$ and the like everyday in that lil box. My shit makes you happy, your comments make me happy. Women with big tits makes everyone happy. And we all say, AMEN