Thighs Wide Shut

Yep, Wimpy’s wet dream cum tru: the In ‘n’ Out 100×100 Burger [via Thinkerville]

Streaking of, me bee leaves Popeye is the only known comic strip to begat TWO fast food dump holes: Popeyes (snatchurally) & Wimpy. (three if you include this Boston Cantina named after Ms Oyl)

Peace the ford escort out to 60 Minutes & on-screen graphics pioneer Arthur Bloom, and to the band whom I thought would own the 00s, but never lived up to their thumcrdible potentialble, like Lunchables, after the release of the opus The Sophtware Slump, Grandaddy. A moment of silence, followed by listenage to G-dad’s ‘AM 180’ [decaf or live, via GVB], which for some reason always puts me in mood to ransack a grocery store with huggdorable British black chicks twenty-eight days after stuff happens!!

And war the spoon in to solo side projects by The REAL FF’s Matt Friedberger!! Not that I don’t love sistah Fried, but me hath always desired to hear more of yer voice, and since Eleanor can only sing, and put her boots back on [d-lode via AVC vs AVP], I didn’t think this desire would have hathed!!

Gorillaz live in concert, or whatever you call it (hopefully I’ll see it at Coachella)

Got a 11-14 yr-ld boy or a 10-12 yr-ld girl with dreams of becoming Noah Baumbach’s next Chicken or Pickle? Crick here for casting call infos for Mr Squid/Whale‘s next spliff

Her Future Royal Thighness, Camilla Belle, wants to hear from you, AOL-IM: Jill020306 | phone numba: 1-877-467-7674… juss don’t tell her that she smells like poo

How did Rick Moranis’ country career slide thru the eyes and ears of the Thighs Spies and their spears?

Stranger Than Fiction?

Math that would make a TI-81 hexplode into two, aka two TI-40.5s:

Anderson Cooper + Richard Kind = Bill Kristol
1, 2, 3, Look at Mr Lee. 3, 4, 5, Oscar night, look for his hand to jive! Maybe now his Hulk will get the ‘spect it deserves (sands 10 min finale with Notle as Electro-Pointless-Man)

‘Mr Lee’ by The Bobbettes [d-lode via Punio]

And its sequel (WHAT?) ‘I Shot Mr Lee’ by The Bobbettes [d-lode on JSpence]

Together at last, hispecially for you idjiots who had no idea that the two were related: Citizen Kane & the Stripes homage ‘The Union Forever’

Remember the Alamo, and Corgan on ECW

Look out Nuclear Bob, cause yer reign as overweight facial hair guy with the killer tees may be over: Bruce Vilanch T-Shirt Watch

Apple’s home pages along the years [via Modern Rager Against the Coke Machine]…

and still, their finest achievement is not the iPod, but the Lemonade Stand game [which u can find 4 d-lode here]

and while were taking a bite into/out of the dumbestist computer brand that isn’t a Wang, and who has only sir-vived today cause of those iPod things (I mean, they JUSS figured out the whole right mouse button bestness), here the ad that’s more IN-famous than El Guapo [aud], the 1984 Ridley Scottiefied Macintosh Super Bowl commercial

Redskins fans… being Redskins fans [vid via Gulf on Sonkin]

Janet Reno rox out, and so does lil Doorbeller [vids via JJ Muldoon’s/Mod Squad, again]

What’s so great about the Dewey Decimal System?

‘The Godamned Dutch’, one of the two mos popular songs sung at IU (?), as sung by John Frushour [wtf via Newcomeallovermyface]

Tis be so awful that I shouldn’t even dignify it with a linky poo, (dave) butttttz: Lazy Monday [vid via Lohanjealous]

Sometimes love of hate is better than hate of love: $225 for an XFL He Hate Me Jersey

Widow of Death In Benihana Shrimp Toss Faults Restaurant [via Brawny Man]

Splinter was a man, and Mrs Peacock too? WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!!! [2nd one an aud]

And although the love below is usually reserved for bouncy babes from here and abroad (oh lord, how i love dem broads!), doing tres hot things like getting licked by another woman, like Ms Pinder (appy polly lodges for the kinda sorta NSFW)

Today I would like to dedicate and entrusting all my usual pent-up en-thrusting behind the single white female greatestiest video logo to ever come from 1978, the WGBH one. You know which one I speak of, right? Its gots that noise thing that goes brudaddadoodadoo dad dooo dododdevvabvjfwssa!! Na? Well, if you’ve ever seen anything on PBS thats either boring, or boring, or both than you’ve heard that duhvavavdoo doouvavddooo noise thing!!! If not, here’s a snap of it, a link to the vid, and the aud file for your mp3/mash-upping pleasure (maybe mixed with Pat O’Brien, Rosie O’Donnell, and Howard Dean in an aural threesome to end all threesomes and things aural). Free tote bags for some, minature American flags for all!!

[vid | aud]
Right? duooouvdvadvav dobbiedadeovraad doom!

Top TENenbaums
But We Does
A Dirty Dozen
This Year

1) Munich
2) The Squid and The Whale
3) Crash
4) Everything Is Illuminated
5) Crónicas
6) Mysterious Skin
7) Enron: The Smartest Guys In The Room
8) Me and You and Everyone We Know
9) Brokeback Mountain
10) Dear Frankie
11) Match Point
12) The Island

Many A Honor Blackmanable Mentions: Downfall, North Country, Constant Gardner, Paradise Now, Ballad of Jack and Rose, Bee Season, Sin City, Junebug, Cinderella Man, Breakfast on Pluto, Pride & Prejudice, 2046, and My Summer of Love

Mooovies I Really Wanted To See But Never Did: Dark Water, Kingdom of Heaven, Lord of War, The Weather Man, The New World (it was out in 2005 for 2 seconds), and The Legend of Zorro (regardless of how bad they say it is)

2nd Annual
Thighs Wide
Movie Awards

They Coulda Been A Contender

Walk The Line
Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy
The Interpreter
The Brothers Grimm

Bestest Quote

Jack Twist: [referring to Ennis] I wish I knew how to quit you.

Wurstest Quote

Darth: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
[YTMND: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, & 7]

M Night Shamalamadingdong’s
BratWurstest Twist of The Year

[GIFt via XANA Claus]

The Woman Being Chased By The Killer
IS THE KILLER
in
Haute Tension
i guess i didnt review it,
oh well!

Guiltiest Pleasures Starring HRTnesses
That Made Me Pleasures Myself
Guiltily

Domino & House of Wax

World’s Mos Pointless Movie About Sewing That I Forced Myself To Watch Only Cause My Parents Paid For My Admission

Sequins

Funniest Movie of the Year

n/a

Better Luck Next Year!!

CGI That Binks Stinks
Wurser Than Jar Jar

General Grievous
& his über annoying nagging cough

Tatum O’Neal
Youngin Bestness Award

Flora Cross & Georgie Henley

Mos Thumbcredibly Beautiful
Yet Confusing Movie
About A Year Since
2001

2046

Replacer of Carrot Top
As Chief of Box Office Poison

Eugene Levy
as seen in
The Man
Cheaper The Dozen 2
& the straight to video American Pie: Band Camp

Bestest Impression of a
Wes Anderson Soundtrack
From A Movie
Produced By
Wes Anderson

‘Family Conference’ [d-lode]
by Dean Wareham & Britta Phillips

BratWurstest 20 Minutes
of A Speilbergo Movie Ever

Andy Dufresne
in War of The Worlds

Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Romola Garai
Haguy Wigdor
& Skandar Keynes

Trailers That Got Me
Mo Jazzed Than Jazzercise

Narnia (teaser)
Sin City (trailer 1)
Domino
War of the Worlds
Ths Island

Songs From Trailers
That Make Me Want To Smoke
Bongs With Norman Mailer

‘Changes’ [d-lode]
by 2PAC
from Coach Carter trailer

‘The Wings’ [d-lode + remix]
by Gustavo Santaolalla
from Brokeback Mountain trailer

‘Jesus Walks’ [d-lode]
by Kanye West
from Jarhead teaser

‘Put A Spell On You’ [d-lode + more]
by Creedence
from The Ballad of Jack & Rose trailer

‘Nirvana’ [d-lode]
by El Bosco
from Millions trailer

‘God Moving Over The Face Of The Waters’ [d-lode]
by Moby
from Syriana trailer
& Heat, One Day In September, and the new Jack Bauer/Intel/Mac commerish

Hotness I Never Knew Eggsisted
But Spankfully Do Now

Camilla Belle
Carey Mulligan
& Nicole Vicius

The Gus van Sant
Most Pretentious/Wurstest Movie
That I Watched Wit Trent

A History of Violence

The Only Reason To See
Into The Blue

Alba’s Ass In Water

The Only Reason To See
The Fantastic Four

Alba’s Ass In Spandex

Not The Only Reason To See Sin City
But Should Be

Alba’s Ass In Leather
+ Lasso Goodness

Bestest Movies I Netflixed

Porniest Names
My Genius Brain Ponyed Up

On Your Knees Season
(Bee Season)
München Box
(Munich)
Scatman Crothers Begins To Jazz’s All Over Yer Momma’s Face
(Batman Begins)
My Elevated Shaft In Your Swallows
(Elevator To The Gallows)
A Hysterectomy of Violence
(A History of Violence)
BangRon (Jeremy): The Dirtiest Sluts In The Room
(Enron: The Smartest Guys In The Room)
George Teague Bangs Ordinary Gentleman
(League of Ordinary Gentlemen)
Mysterious Skin
(Mysterious Skin)
House of Wax Dat Ass
(House of Wax)
The Cockcicles of Hornyia: Laying The Bitch On The Whoredrobe
(DUH)
Grizzly Man Tits
(Grizzly Man)
2046nine
(2046)

The Death to Smoochy Award
for Worstest Picture of the Year

Be Cool
Stay
Hide and Seek
Boogeyman
The Amityville Horror
& The Aristocrats

Movies To Look For in 2006

5 Fast, 5 Furious
Swiss Miss, Gang Bang
Mmm-Bop: Hanson Warriors
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Wilburys
Howl, Harold, & Kumar Move Into White Castle

Me saw something close to 100 movies in the theater this year. How’d you do, losers? Or were you too busy listening to that Sufjan Stevens album to go see anything? Fine, be that way. But don’t fergot the ’04, the ’03, and the ’02, or Papa and Mumsy Master’s picks for the ’05! They have grrrrrrrrrrreat taste… snatchurally/boviously, they is my parents

Movies Mumsy Ejoyed
1) Brokeback Mountain
2) Mysterious Skin
3) Crash
4) Capote
5) Breakfast On Pluto
6) The Squid and The Whale
7) 5 way tie* Paradise Now, Off The Map, The Edukators, King Kong, Ladies In Lavender

*She could not separate cause she thought all these movies are on the same level

Mumsy’s Worst Movies
Bewitched
Land of the Dead
The Brothers Grimm
Fun With Dick and Jane
“Sorry Jim–Why did you pick this film to star in?”
– Mumsy Master

Mumsy’s Most Disappointing
Charlie And the Chocolate Factory
“Sorry Johnny Depp–You didn’t play this character well.”
– Mumsy Master

Papa’s Frtias
1) Touch the Sound
2) Murderball
3) Dear Frankie
4) Breakfast on Pluto
5) Paradise Now
6) Mysterious Skin
7) Hustle & Flow
8) Memory of a Killer
9) 3-Iron
10) Sin City
11) Go for Zucker

Papa’s Props
Best Actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
Best Soundtrack: The Squid and The Whale
Most Disappointing (not the worst): Duce Bigillow
Does Europe [sic]
Best Holocost Film: Ninth Day
Most Twists: Dot the I

Hope you enjoyed that folks. As we say goo-bye, I’d like to send out some boos to the Golden Globes, the NFL Playoffs, and anyone who puts Wedding Crashers or The 40-Year Old Virgin on their Top Ten lists.

Bappy Hirthday

or at least
stop trying to look like
Warren Beatty at age 23

or old man Biff Tannen
or the old man in the ‘Enter Sandman’ video

Drew, I almost heart you mo than the Redskins, C Belle, fried chicken, and Jen El’s boobs combined!!

And, OMG!

PEACE LES
FORD OUT TO
my only famous relative*
(besides me self)
who banged the OG Alfie
was an enemy to Pete and his dragon
and mcnabbed 2 Oscars

1920 – 2006

*whom we had zero contact with, even though her mother was my mum’s grandmother’s sister!!

OH SNAP!

CRAPPLE
& SUX
Y?

Well how else could one describe the
double-donged peace the fork outting of

Fred The Baker

who when asked if he had a favorite donut flavor, responded:
‘They’re all my children – I love them equally.‘

AND

That Guy
From Those Movies!!

who totally wanted to bang Beth

btw, even though Fred died in 1916, D Donuts are still a bunch of corporate fargin iceholes for making zero mention of Fred’s passing on their site. I pray the same wasn’t true with Wendy’s when Shia Where’s The LaBeuof’s nana Clara Peller chocked on the newly invented Frosty

Further reading: Where Are They Now? Fred The Donut Guy

• What do JK Rowling in Dough, the Gorillaz, and the Prius all have in common? The ghost of Henson present loves em all!!

• You know this world blows when Cody Lohan is hottier than her slag of a sistah

• Wondering what to get yer straight edge pal this Hanukkah? How bout the 10 more shows that juss became available in the Fugazi Live CD Series

• I guess we don’t need to ask Jeeves where Señor got the name for his Amblin Entertainment co

• WBFF-45, where BFFs all get together and watch poopy programs

• TWS.org, yer #4 result when intersleuthing for ‘uninstall photoshop’… are the nia peoples trying to tell me sum-tang?

• The 50 Greatest Gadgets of the Past 50 Years [via UMC]

• TSG’s Top 15 Mugshots of the Year

• Celebs in Panto + Craziest Quotes Of 2005

• No chaser needed with THIS SHOT [vid via Joe E Tar Tar Heel]

• The Belly videos

• The Beerbelly

• Yer muss click of the day: Jacko’s Moonwalker & The 8-Bit Posse vs the Muscle Man In Space CRAZYnessness!! [via Retrobestness]

• And although I am true to my bug bite boobed queen, KK the V, by sticking my tab into her slot every 10 minutes, while drinking Tab and playing the nickel slots, I can’t help but being rung by a Belle for the 1st time since Albert came to Baltimore

Twats sure to be le breastest movie (at least remake) of the ’06?

Camilla Belle vs Water: THE MOVIE
aka, When A Stranger Calls, which finally gots itself a trailer! Note to Sony Pictures: send me an advanced DVD copy so I can have great spank material for January, aka Crime Stoppers Month!

• Belated, but never too late to fork the peace of O’s ho Elrod Hendricks. I remember when I was a lil boy and actually cared about boring things like baseball, I forced my rents into taking me to the annual O’s fan picnic. I was hoping Cal Ripken and his fuckface brother were going to be there, but instead we got bunk-ass journey man Kevin Hickey and Elrod. I was crushed, but gettin their autographs made up for it… considering that Elrod’s mussa skyrocketed since his death from 3 cents to 6!!!

• Cuthbest to return to 24 this year? Only if you trust the werds of one Joanne Weintraub

• Peep the teaser trailer to Mel Gibson’s Mayan mess Apocalypto… 3 to 1 he somehow he blames the Jews for their extinction

• A year later and the good people of Roanoke, VA still aren’t sure if it was Borat who turned their rodeo into a almost stampede… guess dem Red States aren’t big subscribers of HBO

• Gorillaz up for MTV’s Cribs

• 18 zillion people sent me this link, so I guess I should post it: The Chappelle Theory

• Justin Case you missed it on yer internets rounds: He-Man/She-Ra: A Christmas Special

• So I guess I shouldn’t count on potato latkes in the Kingdom this year, eh luv the V?

• What do you plan to do with yer extra 2005 second? I can’t decide between patting myself on the back or patting my balls

• Rotten Tomatoes’ ’05 Bombs List… boviously House of Wax and Domino wouldn’ta been considered bombs had they taken in account the only reviews that matter: OURS!!

• The True Cadillac™ of Bicycles

• wayfaring.com

• Frynally, someone else’s boobies have replaced Tara Reid’s judge hatchet job as les nastiest bazongies in the world [double duhvs NSFWness]

• Lookin for a bigger effin miracle than the sorta special holiday of Chahhannuaakakkakkah? How bout dem Skins who are the NFC’s HOTTiest team, who juss avenged the live abortion I saw in late Rocktober, and who now be mere baby steps away from the pay-offs? So start hittin up Orbitz for early Feb flights to the D, fill yer thIghpod up wit the sweet reggae sounds of The Joe Gibbs Family in the back [via the Dollar], and wipe the dust of yer bumpers, cause I wanna see these babies everywhere!!!

and, yeah, uh, after many a moons of semi-funemployment, I’m happy to report, I is fully employed 1nce again. I hope working under Milhouse’s dad at the cracker factory turns out to be more fun then it sounds