Thighs Wide Shut

Garbage In
my mouth

Hershey’s unbeknownst bestest trio

Gawd, pleaseth make my Rite Aid stop selling all of these fine delectables 4 for a dolla, before I need to enlist the real Dr Nick

[beat]

Watching Cef almost eat his yuckgusting b-day sausage ‘cake’ at Herr Heidelberg Restaurant

as well as almost yackgusting all over myself for eating pig’s knuckles (at this point, I’m convinced that’i’ll never be buried in a Jewish cemetery)

[beat]

And for Steiner’s b-day, ventured out to BedStuy, where NY state’s ONLY Bojangles (inferior) Fried Chicken resides, and apparently majestic subway stain glass treasures, like these found on the JMZ line [b-low snap from NYCSubway.org’s NYCE Subway Art Guide]

And would you bee leave that the ONLY Bojangles in NY shares an ‘L’ counterspace alongside a Carvel, an Arthur Treachers, and a Subway, all scrunched INSIDE A GROCERY STORE? Lettuce juzz say that two white kids making a fried chicken pilgrimage to a BedStuy grocery store sure gets one a lot of odd looks, which is not to be confused with 30 Odd Foot of Grunts!

Garbage Out
of a trashcan and into my home

Why on earth would anyone in their frank lloyd right mind ever throw away anything Atari in la basura (the trash)? Unless doves course they knew that the T-Mizzle was going to reclaim it for the Republic of Thighland!!

Sadly, to this day, I am still bitter herbs at my smartsy fartsy older brother for throwing away our Atari 800XLc computer (that’s right, Atari computer, complete with 64K of power!!) years ago, although it was never going to work again (the dreaded ‘BOOT ERROR’ repeated screen of death!!). But then hagain, how could I be bitter to a boy who was bitter in his own write when all he wanted for one of his teen b-days was an Apple IIC(or was it E?), and thoughts he got it when he saw a large box sitting on his bed, but instead gots from our rents a wrestling ring he could use with his small collection of WWF LJN action figures. Don’t worry, the story has a happening ending: he’s still my brother, he’s still smart, and thanks to eBay, one day we’ll probably get to play Drol, Archon, Karateka, and Lucasfilm Games’ Ball Blazer!

[beat]

I got scared shrieked the other night/morning (wood) when some random drunk girl in my apt woke me up at 4:19 AM by simply opening my bedroom door (an open door was the ghetto alarm clock my mom used to get my arse up for middle thru high school). Said drunken girl was beheaded by morning, but not before I couldn’t go back to bed and heard her lambaste my CD collection, including the ownership of an All Saints’ CD. C’mon, I got it for free thru my 237432th membership to BMG, + I lived in London for 1/2 a year in ’98 when shit Britannia was cool!

All Saints – ‘Under The Bridge’ [d-lode]
All Saints – ‘Never Ever’ [d-lode]
All Saints – ‘Pure Shores’ (off of Saints & Sinners/The Beach soundtrack) [d-lode]

[beat]

And mattmag4188…

stay away from my woman, or since I know many Jews in media, I’ll have yer AOL IM account suspended!!

Seacrest Out
and me too cause I is
OUTATIME
for today kids!

From the First Family of Thighs, to all of Jews, OUR DEAR READERS AND DIRT BAGS LOOKING FOR HOT SNAPS OF HOT BIZATCHES ON THE GOOGLES, we heart you!!!

The SnoozeYork Times have finally caught on to this whole Camilla Belle (aka Her Royal Thighness VII) jizznomenom. Too bad they have standards and aren’t allowed to talk about drawing maps of Hawaii all over themselves in print.

And while James Blunt is busy putting on bigger maneuvers than Lando at the battle of Taanab on Princess Leia, the rest of the galaxy sends their love

[SumTang Awfully good via
Tom Wellington]
Me, Medium-Sized? I’m long overdue to be SUPER THIGHS MEed!!!

Too bad Cliff Engle sweaters don’t come in super size, but sometimes tight will fit juss right, hispecially if you have big tits like me!

Hilton Shortlisted To Play Teresa Role!?!??!E#!!!
WHATTTTTTTTTTTTT???

Katie Danza > Samantha Micelli, unless we’re talkin bout NSFW Samantha Micelli

Cuthbest, Soul Man, fake JFK, the mother from Poltergeist, Leland Palmer, Robocop, and Mike Figgis’ male muse. No this isn’t Surreal Life 2112, juss the breast that’s yet to cum all overourshelves on the 2nd half of this season’s killah hills 24!!! And soapfully President Logan won’t have to make any more big decisions!!

Falkor’s sister still a go for Hexxx, but no word on a soundtrack by Bubba Sparxxx, Basment Jaxx, anything off of Speakerboxxx, or the sounds of Zaxxon!!

Joseph Gordon-Levitt is quacking rising the charts as the mos brills actor with a hyphenated name. First was the pillow biting bitterness of Mysterious Skin, and next up is the Lukas Haas-a-dickie-thon-ing of Brick!!! Had his former 10 Things I Hate About You co-star Heath Ledger co-starred with him in this, maybe they woulda called it BrickBack Mountain!! If that ends up on YouTube, I’m suing. And if I don’t get any money from that I’m going to cut off a finger and claim I found it in a bowl of chili from Wendy’s!!

A day after eggzalting the virtues and virgins of Lucas, I find out that it’s writer/director is penning the screenplay to the remake of my mos personal flavorite Hitchcock flick (that isn’t Psycho), Strangers On A Train. My right off the bat guano thoughts are that it won’t be as Vince Vile-able as GvanSant’s Psycho, but den again, it won’t even come close to matching the Anne Ramsey condom ribbed for all our pleasureness of the ’87 versh!! We don’t have a Cousin Paddy.

Props to the Mars Props. My money is totally on Sam Cassell to be the first to make it to the red planet!!!

Something tells me these people eat ham wrapped in bacon wrapped in Slim Jims covered in fur

The tATuers as kids, you sick fuck

and something from their Russian site…

gawd dang, they really hates place!!

Bestest weekly sports article only WashPosters know about, but everyone else should: The Starting Lineup

From Buddy to Sufjan: The Music For Kids Who Can’t Read Good Covers Project

Speegle

Oh, so that is what that is from [beware the audio via Dr Falada]

Is it ok to want both kinds of Pancake Mountain shirts?

Cartoon Skeletal Systems

An Analysis of Netflix’s DVD Allocation System [zzzz via Yachew! via Guns n Rosenthal]

The International Ginger Kids Foundation, where kids have firecrotches and worship Sissy Spacek [via Jim et Jules]

Trailer for the World’s Greatest Piece O’Crap Film Ever

Pencil in penis backfires

Bob’s Animal Fights [via DVD Author 2 On The Rocks]

Anyone else’s lips flaming?

When and Why Did Women Start Shaving Their Legs?
and
What Caused Women To Start Shaving Their Armpits?
and
Who Decided Women Should Shave Their Legs and Underarms?
and
Why question such practices? The more we talk about it the more likely they’ll stop and start being as dirty as men. I mean, they are godessesses who fart vanilla and poop roses, they’re our moms and daughters, our sisters, and our hobags, our sluts, and our gay PE teachers. Womens forever!!! But I think it’s aiiight to raise the question of shaving in the v region, right?

Too bad our German brethren and Lutherans hate woman and think think they’re totally helpless and want Abenteuer to DIE!! Look how they treated Elizabeth Shue in poster form compared to us fun loving Mohammed hating Americunts!!!!

Good thing they decided to write the rongs of their Nazi past, cause if the Shue fits, bang it!! Dutchovenland uber alles!

When A Stranger Calls
Whatever You Do, Don’t Dial *69, Listen To Fatboy Slim’s ‘Star 69’ [d-lode (couldnt find the REM one)], Or Rent 2046Nine, The Porno That Doesn’t Eggsist But Should!
View Trailer

The Review: Simon West (director of such unworthy Thighs Wide Shut mentioning like Lara Croft: Boo Raider, The General’s Boo, and Con-Boo) had the golden opp to remake a movie that was damn ripe for a remake. Too bad RE/MAX coulde’ved produced a better remake. It shirley didn’t help Simon’s cause that they (and whoever ‘THEY’ are should be punished by watching the original Punisher on A-B repeat) ruined the plot’s ‘twist’ in the trailer. So what do we get? Minimal scares, mountainous topography, architectural pornography, and ZIPPO in the nudity dept, although we are teased by the babysitter sweating in a gym, enjoying a popsicle (she’s a biter), and turning OFF a shower (instead of on, and getting in). Howevs, Simon, in his version (certainly not ‘vision’), did do one butter den the the OG one: the elimination of the final two tedious acts in favor of eggspanding the first act, where all the steak and Sizzler lies.

And now for…

The REAL Review: OMForkinGodShammgod, Simon West is a genius!!! Even more so than if all the SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2 used Baby Einstein products while noshing on dem broke-arse Einstein Bros Bagels’ bagels!! When A Stranger Calls is a lickreffic 1 hour and 23 minuted commercial/the mos yummy spackledocious beat-off matz of the ’06, featuring the tite ASSests and TITSests of the mos beautiful grrrl on planet Earth, worm, and Jim, who I’m happy to report is no longer a lady in waiting. DAT’S RIGHT, YO!!!! So peas put yer hands together (over yer cock, and or in yer vaginas) and well cum the one who’s reign will be more of a love supreme than the offspring of Rainn Wilson cross-bred with Rain Phoenix AND Rain Pryor, while listening to the G n R’s ‘November Rain’ [d-lode]… everyone needs some time, on their own, like me, everytime I think of

Her Royal
Thighness VII
I, I, Capt’n
Camilla Belle Routh
& the story of how we met

Hey, it’s me.
You are so F%$KING HOT!

Will you eggcept a collect(ion of cum from my)
c(b)all from a Mr Mister Thighly T Thighbold?

Lets get outta these wet clothes
and lettuce butter my corn!

OK, my brand spankin new babycakes,
make me dinner, do my laundry,
pick up Dakota after school,
stay wet…

…and suck my corn!!

and they lived happily ever after shave!!

Recommended for those who like (which for some reason was omitted from the last batch o reviews): Roy from the US Office, Lance Henriksen’s vox, and funny things people say in theaters that aren’t funny

Possible Porno Name: When A Stranger Cups My Balls

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Jailbait Babysitter [sorta NSFW], not cause I’ve seen it, cause I haven’t, but cause John Goodman is it(???)

Further Fun: the le ghetto TRAILER of the le ghetto straight to TV sequel of the original, When A Stranger Calls Back, starring both Carol Kane and Charles Durning, who may or may not be Brian Dennehy, although all THREE co-starred on some TV thing called The Girls In Their Summer Dresses and Other Stories by Irwin Shaw

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): BREAST IN SHOW

Seems our new Ms Thang is already gettin into swing of tings

AWWWW SHUCKS!!!
[via Double Black & Tan & Decker]
As we presents our TEN finalists for Corn Me In History!!!

1. The ASSassination of HRT the VI Warshawski

by Bowfingerer

2. Big Thigh

by Korean BBQer

3. Corn Corn Me Do

by Molder & Sully

4. Crossing The Corningware

by Mrs Johnny Dollar

5. Deep Corn

by Pakula Shaker

6. The Garden of Eating

by Richie Rich Little

7. I’m All Up In Alba’s A$$

by Jus Snot

8. Mac The Knife Some Butter On Me Corn

by Johnny Dollar

9. Stop Touching My Thigh

by Co-Moo-Town Snackers

10. Viet Corn

by Popin O’Hymanz

VOTE
Poles closes Sundays before the Pro Bowls, or something, and the WINNER will be announced on Monday!! Vote often and Quinn Early, cause there aint no limit to how many times you can rock the demo-crazy-atic process!!

And in clothing, Bless our leaders! For they keep our country free from awful Danish cartoons and keep our country open to deli-dishious danishes!

ABC is planning to take a dump on its bestest show, YES, I’m talking about INVASION and not Lost (or Fencing With The Stars either!), juss so Orlando Jones can mix things up with Oscar-winning actor Martin Landau. But don’t fret kids, cause I doubt we’ll ever see the werds ‘Oscar’ and ‘Orlando Jones’ in the same sentence again. WHY GAWD WHY!>!~@#>!@#!@ Where’s the david justice? Is it cause Evan Peters is the new Brock Peters or looks like Jack White Jr? Or the audience consists of me and my tall semitic roomie?? Sio, prepare the corntroopers and head to ABC’s HQ. For this can mean only ONE thing…

Spanks ‘tastic, cause I really need that $10.50 to purchase a grundle hair clipper [NSFW that you should click on even if yer work isn’t safe for things that are not safe for work!]

Wanna know who to bet on in any major sporting event? Be sure to czech in with Bandwagon Boy, the day AFTER

Goonies 2 R’nt good enuff

All work and no play makes HFutureRT Camilla Belle scared shi(r)tless

Stalking Samaire Armstrong at Kinko’s

The Jizzfeld (aka the Ziegfeld) be takin a month of from showing crap to bring the screen’s biggest and brightest back to the biggest and brightest screen, like The Jones trilogy, LOTR, some gay musicals, + MO! [via Tom Wellington, the world’s greatest living actor & AOoF]

Streaking of the Jizzfeld, here’s yer gran’pa-pa’s beat-off matz [SFW]

Phrase that should never hever appear in print hever never hagain: ‘fingering Aaron Neville‘

Hopefully this means he’s spending a wee bit more time on those dreadful Extras scripts

The wurstest Mexican wrestling movie starring Jack Black and directed by the man who brought you Napoleon Dynamite has gots to be Nacho Libre. Thats good news for The Neverending Story III, although it has nothing to do with Jared Hess or Mexican wrestling

Learning never ends: the voice at the beginning of Us3’s ‘Cantaloop’ [d-lode] is that of midget maestro Pee Wee Marquette (think Gary Coleman of the 50s), former doorman turned MC of the famed Birdland, from Art Blakey’s A Night at Birdland, Vol. 1 [stream WMV file]

[snap via MoP]
The 2006 U.S. Olympic Team Roster, By State. Who knew that Mini-soda was like the center of the universe for American curling?

Biggest Super Bowl Disappointment: Joe Namath did not attempt to hump Suzy Kolber’s leg like it was the ’03

Gheorghe Muresan still haunts the DC haunts

SPiN’s Hottest Significant Other Tournament: Foxy Four

The internets best kept mp3 blazzle secret: Puritan Blister. Doesn’t hurt that I’m a zucker for mash-potato-ups. And thanks to the PB, I’m totally thighing out on my thIghpod to ‘Smells Like Oh My Gosh’ Nirvana vs Basement Jaxx [d-lode]

So den, how do songs get stuck in your head?

How do astronauts go to the bathroom in space? Goo thing freeze-dried ice cream doesn’t give one the runs

X-Entertainment’s Freezer, which aint as Freezy as Freakies

The Mohammed & Christ cartoon that will soon spark the burning and looting of Canadian embassies all up in the Middle East

Not as in-depth as the Borat entry, but czech out Wikipedia’s bit on You’re The Man Now Dog, if yer a man OR dog, man! [via Wananmaker]

Before you DARE enter our ultraFAB Oscar Pool (group name: House of Wax Dat Ass password: neckbeard, $10 to rule them all), you may wanna get a leg up on the competition by peeping the live-action and animated shorts, but only if yer an LAer or an NYer

So that’s what you call that

Eyebrow-Raising Tattoos

Thank you for not pot smoking

Park Slope 2009 according to Freejack… wonder if La Bagel Delight survives?

Japanese Spiderman

Brille-YANT commercial [MaybeNSFW via Fleaski]

And this just in: SIDE BOOBS still RULE!!

Pee ess – don’t forget to look at yesterday’s corn masterpoops and get yer effin VOTE on or DIE, like Puffdido’s career

Aside from the MacGyver pricelessnessness [via Pakula Shaker], the stellarstar halftime ‘Stones Performance and Antwaan Randle El‘s ‘gadget’ play (u think Al Micheals is required to send Phil Simms a royalty check for the use of his phrase that doesn’t pay?), Super Bowl XLzzzzzzzzzzzz, ’tis’ commercials, and the constant hand jobbing of the Vince Lombardi trophy from both teams in Herb Ritzezque videoshoots, was a snooze and boo fest of Good Night, And Good Luck proportions, carl weathers you were a Starbucks maven (I think they stole the Skins’ offensive playbook of having 21478127 chances and nothing really to show for it) or an Iron City Beer fanatical (I pray I never hear the sentence ‘the Bus is coming home’ again for as shlong as I live!!) Sure, tit wasn’t as busted as Entertainment Weekly‘s use of the words ‘flint’ and ‘flinty’ in two separate short pieces describing the performances of Best Supporting Actresses’ Michelle Williams (‘an angry flint of a woman) and Frances McDormand (‘a flinty, plain-speaking iron miner‘), but it was purty darn Matt Milleniralistically close.

ENUFF. Cause I nor noone who is I should be kevetching about a football game when there won’t be another til some random teams lock horns 6 mos from now in Tokyo, so lettuce move on to more pressing matters, like the CORN Me in Historyectomy!! There will be a preliminary round, with voting ending on Wednesday at 11:59pm. The top ten vote getters will make it to the next round, which will start the next day and end Sunday before the Pro Bowl begins. Don’t ask me when that is cause I don’t know and neither queen noor does noone else who isn’t I. Fryannly, next Monday, the winner will be revealed and carried thru the streets of Beirut or Detroit! The names of the photo-choppers’ below have been left off in this 1st round to first, protect the innocent, and second, save them the embarrassment of not making it to the final triple nipple dipple round robin givens!!

Breast if luck, and good night, and Zzzzzzzzzz

Note: click dem images and watch them gets bigger!!

1. The 10 Cornmandments
2. War Between The Thighs

3. Corn Is The New Ambrosia
4. Corny Smurf

5. The Garden of Eating
6. Cornmander In Chief

7. Thighrates of the Caribbean
8. Viet Corn

9. Thighed & Prejudice
10. Gawd Save The Corn

11. I Wanna Hold Your Corn
12. Corn Corn Me Do

13. CORNstory 1
14. CORNstory 2

15. Deep Corn
16. Patt(c)o(r)n

17. Napoleon Cornaparte
18. 1 Giant Corn For Mankind

19. Cornier Pasteurs
20. Corny Doody (aka Corn Poopie)

21. Stop Touching My Thigh
22. Gen Thigh E Lee

23. Corn Pack of Jackasses
24. I’m All Up In Alba’s A$$

25. Opening China’s Doors To Corn
26. A Fist In The Ass Is Better Than A Buck An Ear

27. Ich En Bin Thigh Master
28. Mac The Knife Some Butter On Me Corn

29. Cornback Mountain
30. Big Thigh

31. The ASSassination of HRT the VI Warshawski
32. Crossing The Corningware

33. The Offspring

VOTE
via email
one vote per household

Although the Super Bowl dissed em cause they’re white and not from Detroit, we still missem the likes of recently forked the peace outters, Grampa Al Lewis and some bitch named Betty Friedan. In your loving memories, we saw the Camilla Belle box office moster When A Stranger Calls. Full jizzvue forthcumming.

Signing off,

Heabs
(the Jewish Peabs, as minted by the Peabs and the Coz themselfs)

Corn on the cob or the kebab? [YTMND via BVSC]