Thighs Wide Shut

Sophie Scholl: The Final Days
Somewhere MLK Jr and Gandhi Are Playing Table Tennis Smiling
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Here we go again folks, another belatedly released overly superb Germanic-crafted film that focuses on the Fatherland and NOT the Holocaust amidst WWII to get hosed on Oscar night in the Best Foreign Language category. Last year it was Downfall that got the bozak, although winner The Sea Inside was so bestest, it shoulda taken home the Best OVERALL Picture statue. Not nearly as intense as the intense D-fall, SS:TFD does pack a dollop of wallop all its own, and may be more intense than being admitted into intensive care at the University of Tennessee’s Intesive Care unit at their intense hospital (should all of that been written in the past tense? I dunno, I’m too tensed to deal. Anyone for tense-is? Wouldn’t that be nice!) Ech! Anywho, Sophie was a real person and WWII was a real war. Sophie strongly believed her country was headed in the wrong direction, so with the aid of her brother and a few udders, she stood up in a time of not standing up, by passing out pamphlets speakin nuttin but the truth. But this is Nazi Germany and since the Jews obviously don’t control the media, there’s no freedom of speech. Sophie and her coconspirators get caught and the movie takes us up to… her final days. And even with that in mind, there’s still the element of sirprize til the credits roll. What are those sirprizes? Crazy orgy scenes great filmmaking, in a very subtle way.

Recommended for those who like: bobby pins, ye olde copy machines, and Germans who sound like Hitler when they scream… wait, doesn’t every German, I mean Nazi, I mean German?

Possible Porno Name: Sophie’s Choice of Shaved Balls, For Her Final Lays

Unsatisfied with this? Ignore Ebert and Netflix Swing Kids

Apt MPupil3: ‘Die Fucking Nazi’ by Diabolic Vomit [d vis Corpse]

The Mo You Know: Learns all about Sophie and her White Rose movment, which should never be confused with the White Rose company that makes les ghetto generic grocery store items

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

BO( Jackson a)NUS!
Sophie channeler Julia Jentsch, or JJerman, as I like to call her, is probably my mos favorite Germanic actress of the 2005s and 06s!! She educated me on her hotness in The Edukators, co-starring probably my mos favorite Spanish-Germanic actor of the 2005s and 06s, Daniel Brühl!! I love JJermans!!!

The Confederate States of America
Rebel Yell Nil
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Have you seen Spike Lee’s mos challenging joint to date, which tackles USA’s olden time exploitation of the black man in USA’s modern time, Bamboozled? If no, turn to page 16, or go to wherever fine DVDs are rented. If yes, good, you’ve already seen the movie that The Confederate States of America wishes it was 1/1873664th as good as. Franztastic premise, lousy eggzecution. Oddly Jointly enuff, this movie was ‘Presented by’ Spike. Don’t waste yer money on a theater viewing, and wait for it to air on Spike TV.

Recommended for those who like: the shitty aesthetics of UHF‘s commercials and shows, my photoshop skillz, and Mississippi mascots

Possible Porno Name: The Conjugal Stains of Elmira’s Cunt

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix READ a more interesting, more effective bit of revisionist, what if, history, Philip Roth’s The Plot Against America

Apt MPupil3s: the Tales of Uncle Remus LP from Disney’s Song of the South [d all here ]

Add To Muss Visit List: The Jim Crow Museum of Racist Memorabilia, at Ferris State U

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): A Lot of Effin Merit, But Forkin No Stinkin Badges FOR YOU!!

V For Vendetta
Not Much To Remember Remember
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Nice try film peoples, but the only anarchy on display here is the bloated screenplay with all its half-cocked ideas that labors on and on for what seems like 47238432 November 5ths. High on style, and what seems like itself, there aint nuttin much to behold but a house of potential, built solely with balsa wood. It’s not a total wash out, I mean, dude, Natalie Portman taking a nap on a pile of poo larger than this woman’s [NSFW] for 7 hours would still be worth watching beating off to, but then again, anytime a review of ours turns into a bunch of picture pages (like Van Hell Suck/Hellboo), it aint bound for glory, or bound like Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly either. So without much further Freddy Adu about nothing, wait for the DVD/Blu-Ray/PSP/HD-DVD/VD, and in the meantime (no, not the Helmet album), do the math, cause we’re not Asianified enuff to come up with something that equals $10 well spent, but wees’will stills give it a try…

V 4 Vending =

every third idea from 1984
and even the creative flip-flop casting
of John Hurt
as Big Brother
or is
it

the dude who’s waiting for the worms?

+

Jack White’s
whorerific van Dyck
experimentalpatient

+

the fury of the filth
and the filth of the fury
not including filthy
Colin Firth’s Furby collection

+

more unsuccessful masked adaptations

+

Stephen Rea
doing that Stephen Rea
I’m a cop, you idiot thing
but not in the Schwarzenegger way [d-lode]

+

those Matrix subway platforms
that made me wanna take the first train
to I’m leaving the theaterville

+

bangable bald chicks
that Bald Bull
hasn’t already banged

+

the art collection from DH‘s opening credits

+

the real man in black
not sum guy Joaquin Phoenix
sorta played in a movie
that everyone thinks weigh too highly of

+

Portman in the jail bait form we all know
and claim not to make love to

+

the opposite coolness of shooting
in an empty London
like they did in 28 Days Later

+

the mise en scene of
all things visual Franz Ferdinand

+

the real Anakin Skywalker
Sebastian Shaw
not
zebastard Hayden Chritisiaianianson

+

flubvs course

the real V

Recommended for those who like: Fry’s nose, Portman’s mole, and those who don’t care for Florence Henderson’s b-day suit [NSFW]

Possible Porno Name: V For Vaginal Beast Inspection (which I’m sure will one day become a hentai [NSFW])

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix any of the above mentioned moviezz, or the only goo Alan Moore book to movie conversion, From Hell… btw, where the fork is the berry talented Hughes’ bros next jazzle?

Apt MPupil3: ‘1984’ by David Bowie [d-lode]

€16.30 Well Spent: Guy Fawkes hat, black felt

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges. Aight, so it’s kinda sorta entertainin’, but tsk-tsk, and a tsk-it, a triscuit, a steve trachsel, for this shoulda been Breast In Show no diggty doubt using a be-dazzler. I’m still perplexed and mad vexed with all this over ripe tomatoing. Guess they were juss happy it wasn’t Matrix IV: Convolutions

Mrs Henderson Presents
Not To Be Confused With The Boob Movie!!
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Dude, all I have to say write is: Dame Judi Dench, a tit load of tits, and Bob Hoskins’ furry b-day suit.

Recommended for those who like: yams, cans, jugs, and DAMES, and naked wookies named Bob Hoskins!!

Possible Porno Name: Mrs Henderson Prevents Hairy Bush

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the Emily Hottimer jazzlecise Bright Young Things, or Showgirls, if yer feelin Verhoevenish

Apt MPupil3: ‘Vera’ by Pink Floyd [d-lode]

Picture Pages: Florence Henderson presents herself [NSFW]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers, although it was almost Breast In Show if Breast In Show was solely based on breasts per minute of screentime divided by hair pie R squared

The New World
Not So A-Maize-‘n
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The first thirty minutes, pure cinema. The rest? Oh, juss the latest snooze-o-rama from director Terrence Malick, including, but not the limited too: the love story boring of Walk The Line, with less guitars and more Pocahontas selling Land o’ Lakes whilst being chased and bedded by Colin Farrell and Christian Bale thru fields of corn, also known as maize, but not Maze in your face, or null space [d-lode Anime theme song madness NOW, + JUNKY BOY too!]. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Actually the movie colonized itself when Captain Georg von Trapp left Colin Farrell in charge of America while he went back to England for shitty weather and dentistry! AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT! He calls up his buddies Kid Rock and Scott Stapp and they start filming Girl Gone Bukkake 2112, in the NEW WORLD!! OH SNAP! Insert some native Americans, and presto, zzzzzzzzzzz with native Americans!

Recommended for those who like: the Apoclaptpo trailer, Chief Wahoo, or kinfolk of Jewel, of photobooth NSFWness fame

Possible Porno Name: The Prude Girl Visits The Nude World

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Master And Commander: The Far Side of the World

Apt MPupil3: ‘Hail To The Redskins’ by The Redskins Band [d-lode via That Guy]

Picture Pages: thanks to Google I know now now know that The Thin Red Zzzzz is nuttin but a 2nd-rate Señor Spielbergo cigarrillo del marajuana

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Wisconsin Badgers

Tsotsi
A Clockwork Orange Free State
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Did you hear the alternate titles they came up for this Academy Award nominee for Breast Foreign Film that may give Paradise Now a run for its dirty (princi)Palestinian money this Sunday? Boy In The Hood, City of No Gawd, Ever More Nowhere In Africa, and Menace III Society. OK, you caughts me, those aren’t really alternate titles, but juss a really lame way to open this review, and did you honestly think there was another title when it has one halready that’s so fun to say. Tsotsi, which translates to ‘thug’, ‘gangster’, and/or ‘hoodlum’, is the light hearted story of a not so light hearted South African gangsta who keeps making his worse off situation worse offer. Stealinin’, gun pointinin’, dice throwinin’, leather jacket with the lapels up wearinin’, and straight up tsotsinin’, are the order of the day for our young misguided orphan Tsotsi, who loves to look straight up pimpinin’ in leather jackets. Then, one day, during a routine carjack, (not to be confused with Freejack), everything changes. Tsotsi inadvertently kidnaps the carjackee’s baby boy (but there be only one baby boy) and then, everything changes! Naqoyqatsi Powaqqatsi Koyaanisqatsi Tsotsi isn’t the ideal father, let alone the ideal employee, ideal UN peacekeeper, ideal beekeeper (I mean, can anyone beat Ulee and his gold?), or an ideal Let’s Make A Deal contestant, and then, everything changes? YES, IT DOES! Ch-ch-ch-ch-changesssssssss [d-lode] {@!#{#$@}! To spiel the beans about whatelse unfolds would change everything, so I’ll refrain like Andy Dufresne. All I have to say is Tsotsi!!!!!!!

Recommended for those who like: Dali ants, breastfeeding, and one white guy surrounded by many a black guys (insert one white guy, many a black guy jokes here)

Possible Porno Name: Twatsi

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Gods Must Be Crazy

All Time Winner of Bestest Movie Mt Everest That: ends in ‘si‘ and lets babies wear newspaper diapers!

Apt MPupil3: ‘My Weakness’ by Moby [d-lode]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

Pee es – the trailer blows, but the sdtrk rox, much like Lohag circa ’04

When A Stranger Calls
Whatever You Do, Don’t Dial *69, Listen To Fatboy Slim’s ‘Star 69’ [d-lode (couldnt find the REM one)], Or Rent 2046Nine, The Porno That Doesn’t Eggsist But Should!
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The Review: Simon West (director of such unworthy Thighs Wide Shut mentioning like Lara Croft: Boo Raider, The General’s Boo, and Con-Boo) had the golden opp to remake a movie that was damn ripe for a remake. Too bad RE/MAX coulde’ved produced a better remake. It shirley didn’t help Simon’s cause that they (and whoever ‘THEY’ are should be punished by watching the original Punisher on A-B repeat) ruined the plot’s ‘twist’ in the trailer. So what do we get? Minimal scares, mountainous topography, architectural pornography, and ZIPPO in the nudity dept, although we are teased by the babysitter sweating in a gym, enjoying a popsicle (she’s a biter), and turning OFF a shower (instead of on, and getting in). Howevs, Simon, in his version (certainly not ‘vision’), did do one butter den the the OG one: the elimination of the final two tedious acts in favor of eggspanding the first act, where all the steak and Sizzler lies.

And now for…

The REAL Review: OMForkinGodShammgod, Simon West is a genius!!! Even more so than if all the SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2 used Baby Einstein products while noshing on dem broke-arse Einstein Bros Bagels’ bagels!! When A Stranger Calls is a lickreffic 1 hour and 23 minuted commercial/the mos yummy spackledocious beat-off matz of the ’06, featuring the tite ASSests and TITSests of the mos beautiful grrrl on planet Earth, worm, and Jim, who I’m happy to report is no longer a lady in waiting. DAT’S RIGHT, YO!!!! So peas put yer hands together (over yer cock, and or in yer vaginas) and well cum the one who’s reign will be more of a love supreme than the offspring of Rainn Wilson cross-bred with Rain Phoenix AND Rain Pryor, while listening to the G n R’s ‘November Rain’ [d-lode]… everyone needs some time, on their own, like me, everytime I think of

Possible Porno Name: When A Stranger Cups My Balls

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Jailbait Babysitter [sorta NSFW], not cause I’ve seen it, cause I haven’t, but cause John Goodman is it(???)

Further Fun: the le ghetto TRAILER of the le ghetto straight to TV sequel of the original, When A Stranger Calls Back, starring both Carol Kane and Charles Durning, who may or may not be Brian Dennehy, although all THREE co-starred on some TV thing called The Girls In Their Summer Dresses and Other Stories by Irwin Shaw

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): BREAST IN SHOW

Seems our new Ms Thang is already gettin into swing of tings

AWWWW SHUCKS!!!
[via Double Black & Tan & Decker]

1. The ASSassination of HRT the VI Warshawski

by Bowfingerer

2. Big Thigh

by Korean BBQer

3. Corn Corn Me Do

by Molder & Sully

4. Crossing The Corningware

by Mrs Johnny Dollar

5. Deep Corn

by Pakula Shaker

6. The Garden of Eating

by Richie Rich Little

7. I’m All Up In Alba’s A$$

by Jus Snot

8. Mac The Knife Some Butter On Me Corn

by Johnny Dollar

9. Stop Touching My Thigh

by Co-Moo-Town Snackers

10. Viet Corn

by Popin O’Hymanz

And in clothing, Bless our leaders! For they keep our country free from awful Danish cartoons and keep our country open to deli-dishious danishes!