Thighs Wide Shut

Follow My Voice: With the Music of Hedwig
Homophobes AND Homophones Need Not Apply
Trailer
US Release Date – will air on the Sundance Channel
July 27 at 9 p.m

If you’ve ever seen Hedwig, as a stage musical or in its cinematic form, you know the music kicks more (gl)ass than Remo Williams [vid]. And if yer a Wig-head, you probably already own the redonkelous tribute cover album, Wig In A Box, featuring the likes of Frank Black, Rufus Wainwright, Spoon, Robyn Hitchcock, Jonathan Richman, The Polyphonic Spree, Imperial Teen, Yoko Ono & Yo La Tengo, The Breeders, Bob Mould, Sleater-Kinney & Fred Schneider, They Might Be Giants, Cyndi Lauper & The Minus 5, the Bens (Ben Kweller, Ben Folds, & Ben Lee), and yes, even Stephen Colbert. And if you don’t know what I’s is talkin bout, u have a lotta effin catching up to do. Anywho, if you qualify as a Hed-head, yer gonna love this doc about the making of said tribute album that in turn dumps its proceeds on America’s very first LGBTQ school, The Hetrick-Martin Institute, aka the home of The Harvey Milk High School. But the making of is juss 1/2 the picture. The other 1/2 explores the inner workings of the school itself, as seen tru the eyes of a handful of students, with varied backgrounds and orientations. The only crying shames are that not many will see this fab doc, and not many will buy the CD. Only 75K has been raised so far. What up wit dat shit? I mean it’s all about the Benjamins, and the Bens! Wonder if Winona Ryder ever offered em a foursome?

Recommended for those who like: Hedwig & The Angry Inch, the music of Hedwig, and gay AND straight people who love Hedwig

Possible Porno Name: Swallow My Moist: Making Sweet Music While You Give Me Head Like Butch Vig

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the breastest/wurstet making of an album doc, Let It Be, which in this case, sadly co-stars Yoko Ono, and was directed by Michael Lindsay-Hogg, who should never be confused with Wernham-Hogg

Apt MPupil3: ‘Pirate In A Box’ by Lemon Demon [d] and ‘Just Pretend’ by The Bens [d] or juss buy the dang CD and help make some gay kids even gayer than Gay-le Sayers

IMDb Sweeney: how could there be any Sweeney when there aint shee-at on the b of IMD?

TFF Thighspotting: three of the students featured in the feature, including model Mey Bun, who should not be confused with Messy Bun

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): It’s a doc, so how could it not be Breast In Show?

and here’s the .5
and I say .5
cause it’s not a new flick
but some old shiz

The River
Runs Through (sh)It

I’m all for viddying old classics on the big screen, but this 1951 Jean Renoir trifle is the kinda flaz u see on TCM and turn the channel after about 8 seconds. It’s such a snoozer that I actually took a well deserved 20 minute nap. I mean, c’mon, you try watching 10 movies in less than a week’s time and ruling the world’s thighs with an iron fisting!! The only thing worth uddering is that the lead girl, who’s suppose to be ugly, is really ugly (sorry, dats the only snap I could find). Both of my rents agreed. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Maybe they’ll remake this with Orlando Boo and Kate Snoozeworth and zzzzzzzz…

Recommended for those who like: x, y, and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Possible Porno Name: not even mrs butterWORTH my time

Unsatisfied with this? Visit a better work by Renior, at DC’s Phillips Collection

Apt MPupil3: Wanna really put yoself to sleep? Listen to ‘River of Dreams’ by Billy Joel [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Hottie Adrienne Corri would later in appear in A Clockwork Orange as the writer’s wife who gets ultra-raped by the Droogies [NSFW]

TFF Thighspotting: Me thinks whilst nappin I dreamt of JoJo, does that count?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): it really isn’t all that bad, but I cannot recommended it, and thus Sum Merit, But No Stinkin Badges!

(don’t worry folks, only 4 more reviews left!)

Jonestown: The Life and Death of Peoples Temple
You Can Checkout Any Time You Like,
But You Can Never Leave
Trailer
US Release Date – possible theatrical one this year, but either way will be aired on PBS’ American Experience in the ’07

There aren’t that many notorious episodes of mass suicide in the world’s history. One has to stretch to conjure up Masada, Heaven’s Gate, and whatever that was in Uganda. But there’s one event that stands above the rest, and has clouded the American conscience ever since that mos horrible November day back in the ’78: the Jonestown massacre. What could possibly have happened for a reverend to convince 913 members of his flock, including 276 children, to take their own lives in the secluded jungles of Guyana? This unbiased, straightforward, and completely enrapturing documentary, culled from countless interviews of survivors, ex-members and other key figures, and an unbelievable amount of candid audio and video footage, tells the tale that needed to be taled. I can’t believe it took this long for a documentary to be produced about one of America’s darkest and mos fascinating chapters, but butter nate than lever, as I’d say! I’ve hactually been waiting for a doc heggszactly like this ever since my adolescence, when my non-fiction obsessed sister filled my head with scary stories about Jim Jones’ purple Kool-Aid acid test. But the real question is, why only 85 minutes? There’s so much to hexlpore, in particular, the aftermath, so why not 850 minutes? U MUSS see this, or I’ll round up 913 people yer related to and force them to watch, on A-B repeat, that scene in Armed & Dangerous where Eugene Levy is mixing bidness with leather

Recommended for those who like: the January 1962 issue of Esquire, Guyana Airways, and the Polyphonic Spree

Possible Porno Name: Bonetown: Bangin Your Wife While On Meth From Her Poophole To Her Temple

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Guerrilla: The Taking of Patty Hearst [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: Jim Jones’ ‘we must die with some dignity‘ speech [various formats here] AND the Peoples Temple Choir ’73 LP He’s Able [12 d’s here], AND while yer at it, anything by the Brian Jonestown Massacre [d-lode em all here]

IMDb Sweeney: DUDE, they HAVE to re-release the made-for-TV movie called Guyana Tragedy: The Story of Jim Jones, starring Powers Boothe as JJ, Ned Beatty, Brad Dourif, Diane Ladd, Randy Quaid, AND LeVar Burton. And DUDE, if they ever decide to make a big budget fiasco version of the whole shabang, Ciarán Hinds HAS to play JJ

Jonesin For Mo Jonestown: Heducate yo self here

Did You No: That Guyana and French Guiana isn’t the same Geeyanah? I didn’t

TFF Thighspotting: a former Peoples Temple member, who was luckily sent back to California by Jones two months before he lost his wife and child at the massacre

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show, and Vagina In Show!

The Treatment
The Wizard of Id, Ego, and Superego
Trailer
US Release Date – unknown, but better effin get one!

While I depplauded Comeback Season for being too simple, I will applaud The Treatment for the same reason. So why does it work here and not there? The T is a smart and rewarding romantic comedy that isn’t dumbed down with impossible contrivances, like pretty much every single one released by Hollywood that either stars J-Lo, Diane Lane, Mitch Jessica Parker, Kate Throwherinthe Hudson, or Reese Witherpoop. And one of the reasons that it doesn’t fall into that trap is cause the focus is on a man and not a woman. I think it was Niels Bohr who came up with the theory, Woman + Romantic Comedy = Kill Me Now. Luckily our man here is Whit Stillman’s witty muse, Chris Eigeman, who plays an unlucky in love prep school teacher that falls for a upper crust widowed mother of 2 (the always ravishing Famke Janssen), much to the dismay of his Freudian fused psychiatrist (Bilbo Baggins, who sadly hasn’t been nominated for an Oscar since 1982!). I hate romantic comedies, but I loved this one. And someone, please take Chris Eigeman on as yer muse, as it seems Whit has become the new Terrence Malick. Where the fuck have you gone Man of Still? We miss u and yer pretentiousnessnessness.

Recommended for those who like: Robin Colcord, the part of NYC where the Thigh Master resides, and Sex & The City‘s opening credits, kinda

Possible Porno Name: The Breath Mint I Left In Your Throat Called My Love Juicy Juice

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the other movie with a main character named Jacob Singer, and in general, one of my flav’s, Jacob’s Ladder [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Self Esteem’ by The Offspring [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Marceline Hugot has played either a nurse or a doctor in at least 5 movies and TV shows, including this one

TFF Thighspotting: I totally saw Mike Wallace taking a leak. I think it took him all of 60 seconds, not Minutes, to do his bidness

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Greatestist thing I ever did see? No. Breast In Show? Sure, why not?

I have 8 movies to see this weekend. Don’t eggspect 8 reviews by Sunday night, but do eggspect your mother to tell you some hot and bothered stories about how I flazzle flizzled my willy in her nilly. Bozzle!

Colour Me Kubrick
John Malkovich Being Someone Else Who Was Being Someone Else
Trailer (contains too many spoilers in my o-pinion)
US Release Date – unknown

Written by one of MASTER director Stanley Kubrick’s assistants and directed with obvious passion by one of his assitant directors, Colour Me is the hilarious loose fictionalization of conman Alan Conway’s amazing mid 90s London exploits as a Kubrick impersonator [read the a UK article about it all here]. And since the internets was in its infancy, not many people knew what SK looked like. That worked heavily in the favor of the beardless, overly gay, and skinny Conway, who duped many, and in the process reaped the benefits of posing as the pseudo-Howard Hawks of our day. I couldn’t imagine a more perfect role for the overly serious, yet doesn’t take himself so serious Malkovich. It’s by far his mos humorous to date, unless you count his work as Teddy KGB in Rounders, which I don’t think was suppose to be funny. What more could you ask for? If you love the Kubrick AND the Malkovich, you’ll thoroughly enjoy this. PROMISE!! And if you don’t, please go back to Swaziland you effin Swazi!!

Recommended for those who like: the gayness of the killer from Silence of the Lambs, classic classical Kubrick scores, and costumes almost as outlandish and garish as the ones in Velvet Goldmine

Possible Porno Name: Hummer My Cute Prick

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the other Malkovich gay con job, Ripley’s Game [trailer in RM]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Hello’ by Lionel Richie [d] or anything by Color Me Badd [d], I guess

IMDb Sweeney: the only cast member to actually have worked with the Kub was Barry Lyndon‘s lady in hotness, Marisa Berenson. Other random notables in the cast are: Ms Pussy Galore, whose real name is even butter than that, GUPPY(!), Ayesha Dharker, who was in something called Split Wide Open, and the last known screen role of Jek Porkins

TFF Thighspotting: the Malk-man himself for a Q & A, and I aint talkin bout a guy who fronts Jicks

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Although probably mo of a Jeepers Worth A Peepers PLUS, I’m gonna give it my golden seal of approval, Breast In Show, although there are no breasts, juss a lot of gay men, but alas, no cock

Freedom’s Fury
No Fries Were Freedomed In The Making of This Movie
Trailer
US Release Date – unknown

This is the best water polo movie of all time, well, 2nd breast, behind the 1898 vlasic Water Polo (if anyone has actually seen it or knows anyone who has seen it and can write a 500 page essay on its impact on terrance farming in the Incan culture, I’ll take you to Wendy’s AND let you choose 5 items off the 99 cent value menu). Let’s be serious for a moment folks. OK, moments up. OK, now it’s question time: Did they ever teach us about post-WWII Hungary, under the iron curtaineded shroud and clout of communist CCCP in AP European History class? OK, answer time: No. Good thing I caught this then, could otherwise I still be famished for Hungarian knowledge (hey, I’m hungry, anyone want to get some bacon wrapped in bacon with me?). Ever heard of ‘the bloodiest game in Olympic history‘? Yeah, me neither. What if I told you that that that that the game in question was water polo, and that that that that water polo game was the semi-final match at the ’56 Summer Games where said Hungry-Men (not unlike former Swenson’s TV dinner pitchman/Man Oh Mann sausages inventor Charles Mann) were playing for more than medal glory when they were pitted against their oppressors, aka the country that gave us the world’s fynest faux-lesbians? Would you be a bit more interested in this fast-in-nating doc?
And maybers in the process become a better, more learneded person? Well, woulds yous? Can I ask anymore questions? Yeah, why do armpits smell but elbows don’t? And why did they cancel Drexell’s Class?

Recommended for those who like: the red dress from S’s List, flags with holes in the middle, and thinking about Mark Spitz’ mustache while he narrates things, like I did during this movie he narrarrrarorrated

Possible Porno Name: AnalFists of Fury

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix rent the VHS tape of Nazi Riefenstahl’s Olympia Pt 1 & 2 [WATCH BOTH PARTS!]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Radio Free Europe’ by REM [live Letterman vid] y ‘Power To The People’ by Lennon/Lennon [d] y ‘Hungary Like The Wolf’ by D² [d]

IMDb Sweeney: I think it’s safe to assume that no other movie co-stars three Belas, more Nagys than at Chuck‘s family reunion, and a few Magyars named after the dude who lives in Val Kilmer and Sarah Jessica Parkers‘s closet (aka Uncle Rico)

TFF Thighspotting: Marie Barone, like I have any cluedo who the fred funk that is

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show, and it has nothing to do with how awful Civic Duty was or how hot Kari Matchett is, who loves pointing at my meat… selection