Thighs Wide Shut

The Heart of the Game
Nuttin But Net
Trailer

Two miraculous things happened right before my very own eyes. The first is that I saw people clapping and rooting loudly at a taped basketball game on film like they were in Vega$ for the NCAA Tourney. The second is that I lived after watching 102 minutes of women’s basketball, which is 9.27272727(repeated) times more minutes than when I watched the Lady Terps triumph over the Duke Rapists, which was the first time I watched women’s b-ball since my Rocket Pride Rocket Power days. That right there should tell you there’s sum-tang quite special about The Heart of the Game, the captivating and truly heartwarming doc about a UW taxation teacher (who could pass for any pudgy bearded teacher with a great dry wit that you may have had), who decides to give high school basketball coaching a try, and the girls who’s lives and figures he shapes over the course of a handful of seasons. While not as epic and stu-pen-dis as Steve James’ slam dunk, it’s still worthy of being dubbed by meself: Hoopette Dreams.

That brief but summationious summary pretty much sums it up, so now I’d like to take the opportunity to pass along a note to any aspiring documentarian, or filmmaker for that splatter: please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please STOP SHOOTING ON Digital Video. Sure, no budget cinema was cool for all of 10 minutes in the mid to late 90’s (see 10 minutes and then some of T Vinterberg’s mid to late 90’s Dogme95-a-thon The Celebration), but enuff already. Slain and pimple, movies shot on DV look like crap, or like a real film that’s been shat upon and then taken to the dry cleaners who try their best but still can’t get the shat upon stains out. Look, I know film stock is eggspensive as hellz, but it’s worth it. So do whatever you have to do, sell yer dad’s sperm, yer mum’s eggs, and yer brother’s worthless unopened boxes of 1990’s Pro Set NFL cards, but stop torturing my eyes. Plus, film is forever, and digital video is fornever, or maybe even for Fenella Woolgar

Recommended for those who like: Christopher Brian Bridges‘ vox, Jimi Hendrix and Quincy Jones’ high school, and the second ever female Harlem Globetrotter

Possible Porno Name: I Heart-On Your Gams and Yams

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix last year’s DV wunderkind Murderball [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Eye of the Tiger’ by Survivor [d]

IMDb Sweeney: someone by the name of The Angel not only scored this film, but also worked some of dat magic for Boiler Room (REMEMBER THE MUSIC??? neither do I). Anywho, I have the feeling that she may be related to Drexl Spivey, but then again, I’ve been known to make mistakes, from time to time

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): A doc that works = Breast In Show

Opens this Friday in NY/LA, and elsewhere whenever LOSERS

until next time, the balcony is clothed…

Akeelah and the Bee
Spell On Earth
Trailers

Outta all the modern spelling movies I’ve seen (Spellbound/On Your Knees Season) and filmed entertainments involving the Spelling clan, letter for letter, Akeelah is the grand prize trophy winner of them all, in my mind, and mos importantly, in my heart. Sure, the outcome is a tad predictable (I mean, isn’t a child gunning down all over her classmates with an uzi so passé these days?), but the journey that Akeelah takes from reluctant speller to outright queen of the alphabet had me at ‘can I have the word’s origin, please?‘ I’m a sucker, of and for many things (like large cock lollipops), but hispecially for franztastic heartwarming stories about overcoming odds in the least likely of places. There is not one negative thing I could say about this, cept I was crying so dang much, that I think I lost most of my street cred that day. Everyone involved is the knees forkin BEEs, from our lil hero-ette Akeelah (Keke Palmer), to her feisty mentor (Laurence Fishburne, sportin a killah beard, yo!), to her widowed mother (Angela Bassett), to her rival’s asshole father (Jack Bauer’s wurst nightmare), to even her pal of princes principal, played by the one and only Booger, who’s single-handedly having one the bestest, mos quietest career resurrections since Jesus Christ joined the Steppenwolf Theater Co. ABCee this now!!! You won’t be disappointed. Trust me, or e-a-t s-h-i-t a-n-d d-i-e!!

Recommended for those who like: Crabman, Scrabble (or even Yahoo!’s ghetro version Literati), and movies funded by overpriced disgusting coffee

Possible Porno Name: Akili Smith and Deez Nuts On His Tonsils

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Stand And Deliver [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘No Rain’ by Blind Melon [d] cause of the bee girl in their vid

IMDb Sweeney: Todd Wagner, Mark Cuban‘s producing partner, makes his acting debut here as the Regional Bee assistant judge. And cause I know you wanna know, Mark Cuban has appeared in 2 movies, and THREE episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): do I have to SPELL it out for you? Breast In Show, yo!

until next time, the balcony is clothed…

Once In A Lifetime
Soccer To Me!
Trailer
US Release Date – July 7th, thru Miramax/ESPN

Much like the Jonestown doc, ever since I was a kid and ogled for hours at the Washington Dips pennant hangin in my bro’s room, I’ve been waitin for someone to examine the rise and fall of the North American Soccer League (NASL). If my luck keeps up, I’m sure someone will soon release a doc on the fall and fall of Nickelodeon’s Hey Dude. Although the focus in Once is all about a handful of rich media types luring Pelé and other world futbol luminaries to bring their shaz and pizzaz to the dismal and unknown NY Cosmos squad, it’s really about the rebirth, or truly the birth of soccer in America. Before P-daddy and co exploded on our scene, soccer was about as low on the American sports’ totem pole as say, archery and things involving shuttlecocks. But even though the league ultimately collapsed for numerous reasons, hexplored in the film, the sport was able to dig its feet in our ground and has continued to reach for the stars. How many of you reading this weren’t involved in youth soccer? You can praise/blame Pelé for that! I don’t cause it’s MSI all the way baby!! This doc totally KICKS a$$ and will SCORE with any audience, even if they isn’t a fan of soccer, futbol, or the human race. And would you eggspect anything less from the director of the seminal ’90s Britpop doc Live Forever and the producer of my balls time flavorite doc One Day In September (big sirprize there, eh?). What if I told you the Flamingo Kid was narrating it? Or if I told you that it captures the manic ’77 NYC summer more effectively than Spike Lee’s poo on a sitck Summer of Sam? Man, ’77 was quite a year, wanznit? Star Wars, the death of Elvis, and the birth of yers drooly. I think we should restart the calendar from that point, so we’d currently be living in 28 ATMIC (After Thigh Master’s Immaculate Contraception)

Recommended for those who like: ABC’s Wide World of Sports [vid], Randall’s Island, and that les bestest Warner Bros logo from the 70s

Possible Porno Name: Once In Your Wife’s Bum

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix one of my other all thyme flav docs, and one that 90% effin fresh, yo, The Kid Stays In The Picture [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Once In A Lifetime’ by The Talking Heads [d] or ‘Ole Ole Ole’ [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Including this, there are 8 movies with the title Once In A Lifetime AND the Atlantic Records producer that Booger portrayed in Ray also served as the VP and Prez of the Cosmos!

How’d That Work Out For Ya?: the rebirth of the Cosmos as an MLS club

TFF Thighspotting: Judah Friedlander (aka Toby), who boviously the world’s #1 Cosmos fan

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): mos DEF BREAST IN SHOW!!!

spank the lord
Tribeca reviews
are Nora Dunnski
now back to yer regularly
scheduled masturbation

Sketches of Frank Gehry
Artist of The Portrait As An Old Man
Trailer
US Release Date – currently playing in NYC, LA this Friday, and st elsewhere this month

Frank Gehry. You’ve mos likely heard the name, or have seen at least one of his masterpieces, or monstrosities, depending on who you ask, but who the fork really is Frank G, and what the hell does he look like? Architects have about as much public exposure as an NFL offensive lineman: they get the job done, but yet they remain facless to the masses and the Massholes. So, what does FG hactually look like? Your average grey-haired Jewish zeide. And if yer a gentile, that means grandfather you forgin Nazi sympaTHIGHzer. Yep, Frankie Poo’s a tribe member, even went all né on his Goldberg name to make it in del biz. No shame in that, I mean would you really rock out that hard to Rush if Geddy Lee had kept his last name as Weinrib (btw, interesting fact, his parents were Holocaust survivors)? Didn’t spinx so you friggles Nazi masturbators!! Anywho, Sketches doesn’t take us deep into the deepest annals of his anal canal or what is it that really makes FG the king of playground, as I thought it might, and that’s kinda a shame. It’s more of a conversational piece, intertwined with a tour of his babies all across the globe. I think it woulda played out differently, and perhaps a lil more in depth, had it not been directed by his good friend Sydney Pollack, who’s making his debut here as a documentarian. I mean, do I really need to see footage of SP sitting in his office as FG pieces together his next project with silver-coated construction paper like he was a kindergartener? Short answer: no. Regardless, Gehry’s works are fascinating and it’s worth the peepage, but methinks Gehry is not so fascinating. Sometimes when an artist’s true identity remains a mystery, it make the art that much better. Le Corbusier anyone? Yeah, click that you Nazi link molester, cause you have no idea what the spiggs I is talkin bout, and sometimes, neither do I.

Recommended for those who like: things that are erected, Julian Schnabel dressed as the Dude, and the opinions of Mike Ovitz

Possible Porno Name: Sketchy Frank Gehry & His Trenchcoat of Hairy Sirprizes

Unsatisfied with this? Be like me and add ‘visit the Gugg in Bilbao‘ to yer list of places to go b4 ya die

Apt MPupil3: ‘Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect’ by The Decemberists [d] AND the ‘Bob The Builder Theme’ [d]

IMDb Sweeney: the only other non-Disney flick that Michael Eisner appeared in was sum-tang called Junket Whore

TFF Thighspotting: Mr Three Days of the Condor himself, Syd Pollack, who I already had the pleasure of personally meeting earlier this year (you could say we’re BFFs)

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): not all docs are created breast in showedly, so Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Road to Guantanamo
Part Dramentary, Part Documama,
All Around Important Movie Rama Rama
Trailer
US Release Date – a limited one startin June 23rd
althoughs you can rent/own it NOW thru a UK site

Documamas rule! So does yer mother, but that’s another lay for another day. While somehow not totally as enthralling and leg breaking as the finest documama of this decade, Touching The Void, The Road to Guantanamo will still will pique yer interest, hispecially if yer a liberal media loving bastage like myself who aint no big fan of our country’s current terrorism policies and practices. Eye-openingly co-directed by my effin man Michael Winterbottom and not yet my effin man Mat Whitecross, Road recreates the real journey of three British Muslim friends who ended up in the mos def wrong place (Afghanistan) at the mos def wrong time (the beginning of the US’ war on the Taliban). After being picked up by a headhuntin hungry group of US soldiers, and not having any good reason for being where they were, they’re shipped off to Guantanamo Bay in Cuba for more mental and physical abuse than an evening at Joan Crawford’s. Btw, Guantanamo makes no sense at all to me. How is it possible that we have a military base on Cuba, a country we don’t even have any diplomatic ties to, besides probably any backlashin that may have occurred from Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. Look, I’m sick of seeing shaz about the war and terrorism and terrorists (unless it’s Cobra, duhvs course), and stoopid pointless movies like Jarhead, but if you should see this, and hate our gov’mint some (guantana) mo!

Recommended for those who like: borders without doctors, Afghanimation, and the improbable possibility of Ruhel Ahmed marrying Mercedes Ruehl and taking her last name to become Ruhel Ruehl

Possible Porno Name: The Road Into Laura San Giacomo‘s Crotch

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Midnight Express [trailer] or for mo thighs wide opening
Winterbottomness, ‘flix his franztastic In This World [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Somebody’s Watching Me’ by Rockwell [d]

IMDb Sweeney: the Guantanamo scenes were filmed in our current Axis-of-Evil flavor of the month, Iran

Pumping Even Mo Irony: after returning from the Berlin Film Festival, two of the movie’s principle actors and the two actual people they portray were detained at a British airport

TFF Thighspotting: the lesser-known co-director Mat Whitecross, who hopefully was lucky enuff to do all the additional camera operation for the fucking scenes in MW’s 9 Songs [NSFW]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show