Thighs Wide Shut

This is what every party in

American should look like:



[Pic via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Lindsay Lohan’s Breasts to Star in Own Sitcom? Who does this guy think he is? An ace reporter for the The Onion? Get real pal, cause the only place those thangs be starring in is my movie, Riders of Lohan. There’s this killer scene with her melons, my tongue, and a bottle of Magic Shell.

– The chick who wrote all of t.A.T.u.’s greatest “hits” just won a copyright lawsuit for back royalties. She’s looking at a 500,000 rubles payday. Think of all Russian nesting dolls a girl can buy with that kinda cheddar. And despite a fall-out with King Perv/producer/dirty-ball Ivan Shapovalov and Yulia Volkova’s bun in the oven, the duo plan to hit the studios later this summer. Pseudo-lesbianism is still better than no lesbianism tat all!

– In news that is sure to only make me and my father happy: Pee Wee’s Playhouse is coming to DVD. Finally, I can relive all my sweet sweet memories of Miss Yvonne, The King of Cartoons, Chairry, and o’ course Jambi, the Genie.

– Wanna win a date with Supergrass’ drummer? Thought you would.

– The Wu-Tang Clan are doing a bit of a make-over. The theory is that the more blonde white kids theys gots in the group, the better the sales

[Pic 1nce again via Zach de la Roachclip]

– MTV is really scrapping the bottom of the barrel these days. Why else would they give Frankie Muniz, Lizzie Grubman, and Farnsworth Bentley their own shows? If they really wanted to be cutting edge, they should have roped in such high-class talent as Soleil Moon Frye, Fred AND Ben Savage, and Dustin Diamond and his stellar chess skills.

– Sarah’s so boring ever since she stopped drinking. And now the internet will be boring ever since she stopped blogging. Breast to you and yers Ultrahotttttttttie.

– Traveling to Seattle, Baltimore, or even Plano, Texas this summer? Then you may want to check out these following hotspots: The Hat n’ Boots Gas Station, The Cockroach Hall of Fame, and World’s Biggest Garbage Can. [Links via Flea’s ho-bag]

– And finally, only in American can a man get arrested for driving under the influence TWICE in the same day AND someone else gettin’ charged with assaulting a Taco Bell employee with a chalupa.

– How’s this for unoriginality. Seems that the kid’s head who’s the logo for Thigh Wide Shut does double duty over at this other blog. And it appears that that dude’s been doing this thang longer than I have. Does this mean I should replace the kid’s head with something else? Please, I need yer feedbag feedback more than ever. [Sad info passed along via Sacramento is the New New York]

– This site doesn’t reek of shit, it just talks about it. Welcome to 365 Dumps: A year in the life of this my colon, one dump at a time. And here’s another random one: How Old Do You Think I Am? [Links via Zach de la Roachclip]

– What’s more pointless than a shot-by-shot remake of Psycho? A cover of the Go-Go’s “Our Lips Are Sealed” by Hilary and Haylie Duff for the new shitpick A Cinderella Story. Hilary, take some time away from being a diva and add an f-in extra “l” to yer name already!!

– I figured it was time we all czech up on the bestest dog ever, Bert:

[Pic via J Warner Sisters]

And please don’t confuse
Bert with the RCA Dog

– No more bovsing on my effing tees since 56 A.D.??? Could this be possible? Sayeth it aint so Peabs.

– Lohan explosion 2004 continues. Looks like Ms. THANG may lend her talents to some flick called Fashionistas and a big screen version of I Dream of Jeannie. And if her people like my script enuff, hopefully she’ll sign on for Riders of Lohan. I’m the new McG, cept I’m not Irish and I don’t McSuck.

– Sure, we were all a lil nutty when wees was in high school, but you still never wanted to be “that guy” who wore the dreaded tar heel blue tux or even the way way weigh faux pas tuxedo t-shirt to the prom. Sure times have changed. Kids get hand jobs in third grade and are much more into experimentation all around (see ‘testing gender boundaries‘ posting). But the song remains the same. Latest prom formal wear craze: duct tape. And some chick in Maine to took two years to make an entire dress out of Starburst wrappers!

– How do you get people to watch a movie on cable TV that no one wanted to see in theaters? In the case of the Starz! Network v Gigli, you tell em that it’s so awful that “you know you want to see it.” Ben Affleck is the new Carrot Top (read: box office poison). Even the Kevin Smith helmed Shitfleck project, Jersey Girl, made $10 million less than the entire budget. Maybe they’ll both embark on new careers. [Link via Flea]

– This guy has probably the funniest blog I’ve ever read. Czech out his May 27th entry. What a joker!!!

– Don’t be an f-in bastard and use this Did They Read It? service that will tell you when exactly an email you sent someone was opened, how long that email remained opened, and where geographically was that email viewed. I have emails sitting in my inbox from 1816. I promise, I’ll respond, but I’ll a little busy right now trying to conquer the world and LL’s heart.

– Speaking of LL, turns out that daddy Michael has a history of violence and was once even a “jailhouse stoolie” for commodities fraud. Who cares, his sperm is the f-n biz-omb! [Link via my girl Vega$]

– And one final stizzle… Since I’m back in the burbs, I like to do burbsy kinda things like go to the mall. Well, ya wanna know what? The malls f-in suck worse then Ben Affleck’s career. Who needs 8,273 shoe stores in one place? The only bright spot on my tour of duty was the free chicken finger samples at Chick-fil-A in the food court.

OK, this pictorial is months overdue, but butter late than margarine, eh? Remember this douche bag?

[Props de leon to Elisia for the pic!]

– After sending a suicidal email to loved ones and then pulling a DB Cooperesque disappearance, Helen DeWitt, author of the novel The Last Samurai, was found in good working condition. Ya know, if I wrote that book and it was turned into an uber-boring movie starring Tom Cruise, I’d contemplate ending it all too!

– Word on the street is that DC blogging ho bags Wonkette and Washingtonienne Jessica Cutler are going to pose for Playboy. If that shiz happens, it’ll be the lowest selling issue evs and I’ll cut off my penis.

– Sometimes the internet can be a bad thing. Eggsample, Ogre Porn. [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Sick of that ugly mug you got attached to yer neck? Now you can be as cool as John Travolta and Nic Cage and get that Face/Off . [Link via Tim “Fucker” Altie]

– Tell me you heard about shark-toothed Jewel’s performance that even Comic Book Guy would have declared the worst concert ever. As soon as she came out to perform she began to insult the audience, from poking fun at fat people to others with no teeth. Like she’s one to talk. Her chompers are nastier than microwaved tuna covered with urine from a NYC subway bum. And at one point, she told everyone to stop looking at her teeth and look at her breasts. Eeesh, that surely sounds like the worst concert since what dearest Uncle Grambs dubbed a “back alley abortion of a performance put on by Beck @ Coachella.” Hey Jewel, time to go back to Alaska and open cans with those pearly yellows of yers.

– Finally, we get the real scoop on this whole Lohangate scandal from one of the men involved, Lindsay’s pa Michael “Gawd Bless Your Sperm” Lohan. Apparently his brother-in-law was having a little too much fun after LL’s lil bro Cody’s First Communion and had to be beaten with Mike Lohan’s shoe!! My guess is that the altercation stemmed from the brother-in-law dude making lewd comments about LL’s bazoombas and the fun-awfulness that is Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. And speaking of Lohan and thighs wide open, czech out this hot photo. [Link via Mizz Modern Rage]

– Would you bee leave for a second that a clown named Spanky could be capable of child pornography? Shame on you Spanky!! I told you to stop hanging out with Pee-Wee Herman and Jeffery Jones! [Link via Flea]

– Who’s Cocoa Pete? Who cocoa cares.

– Carvel Ice Cream turned 70 and to celebrate, they wents out and broketh the Guinnessâ„¢ Record for

the world’s largest birthday cake. Nothing this cool has been attempted since Uncle Buck made those mammoth pancakes. Maybe for their 100th b-day they’ll break their own world record and bake the world’s largest Fudgie the Whale.

– I didn’t really think about enlarging my shlong until I received this piece of spam 4 TIMES TODAY:

This is f-in horrrrrrrrrible,

but I had to share it with you, my peeps



[Damn you Tim “Fucker” Altie!]