Thighs Wide Shut

– Scotty/James Doohan beamed up for the last time at a Trekkie Con last weekend because he has Alzheimer’s disease and will no longer be making public appearances. Wil Wheaton/Wesley Crusher was on hand for the festivities and gave this speech to honor the Doohan. Scotty also finally received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Great work Hollywood! Give the man a star when he can’t even fully enjoy it. Hey, why not give Chris Farley a star now? I’m sure he’ll be so honored… six feet under with an 8-ball.

– Keira ‘I beat off to you’ Knightley sez she doesn’t have the boobs to be a Bond girl. I wonder if former Bond girl Denise Richards has ever said she didn’t have the brains to be a human.

– Gawd I love it when awful things happen to the Yankees. Bi the weigh, is baseball season over yet?

– Bobby Knight: The Sitcom. In the first episode, Bobby gets upset that his local grocery store no longer carries Count Chocula and precedes to throw cans of tomato soup at the manager. Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh that Bobby, he’s filled with laughter!!

– Spider-Man reviews crayons, just in time for the new school year.

– This Coke website is like visiting the World of Coca-Cola in Hotlanta, without the free tasting rooms.

– Take a peep at The Smoking Gun’s collection of create your own stamps.

– Astronomers found 4 new planets. I say we give em cool names like The Planet of Sound, Phantom Planet, the Forbidden Planet, and Planet Jackson.

– Can you bee leave that $95,100 wasn’t enuff to win a Disney World monorail car? [via Navi the Terrible]

– IKEA kills.

– The Archduke’s frontman, Alex Kapranos has teamed up with Del Tha Funky Homosapien for round two of Handsome Boy Modeling School.

– The 1993 doc about Blur, Starshaped, is finally being released on DVD, with tons of extra goodies. Too bad I think its a UK only release.

– Things that are so wrong, they’re almost right: AC/DShe and Mandonna. [1st one via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Sign up for free tickets to see Dunst in Skirt: The Movie (aka Wimbledon). And for jew Neue Yawkers, why not sign up for free tix to Resident Evil 2, Silver City, and Cellular.

– And merry merry b-day to The Thinker! We’re all going out to celebrate at the Bowery B-room tonight. On tap is EL-P, Aesop Rock, The Perceptionists, Dieselboy, and Junior Sanchez (not Dirty’s brother).

– Welcome back to the House of Her Royal Thighness. First off, the Lohan, was almost KILLED on the set of Herbie: Redux!! Secondly, Momma Lohan sez that dem ‘promise rings’ do not mean that her daughter and the Fez are engaged. And lastly, which duo has the mostestist fun, carries the mostestist designer bags, owns the greatestist set of funbags this side of Elvira, and has the combined IQ of melba toast? Yep, Lohan and her ‘mentor’, Tara Reid. And not only that, but both of em are vying to be Paris Hilton’s best friend. [2nd to last via F Scott WITZgerald]

– Former WWF giant, The Ultimate Warrior has hit rock bottom… and I ain’t talking about a brewery neither. Go on and bid on his two championship belts AND some of his finest panties and wristbands. [via Navi the Terrible]

– More eBay fun: Dying to win a phonecall from a drunk and armless midget? You missed the boat. [via Zach de la Roachlip]

– Lend a hand (or a vagina) and please help de-virginize Marc. His greatestist achievement in life is when he finished second in his 2nd grade spelling bee!! Go gettem girls!! [via BadGas]

– Wanna be cultured as quickly as possible? Go to these five museums in less than four hours like The Thigh Master and The Steiner did: The Met, The Gugg, The Whit, The Neue, & The Frick.

– Khaaan!!!.com (speaker on, brain off) And if you don’t know what that means, yer obviously not a golfer. [via Boris Becker]

– And speaking of pointless internet stuff, You’reTheManNowDog.com has seen better days.

– Thigh Master fact: everyone in my high school Algebra class owned a TI-80, eggcept for me.

– Fatboy Slim and Bootsy C team up for a remake of Steve Miller’s ‘The Joker’ (listen here, Real Media style). Eeeek!! Lettuce pray that the FBS and Damon Albarn pairing fairs better.

– Stop me if you heard this one before: A bear walks into a hospital…

– The wonderful thing about Tiggers is Tiggers have the best lawyers.

– I heard about people living out of their cars, but this is juss too f-in recockulus.

– Weezer dump Rick Rubin-produced tracks and go back to school, literally.

– JibJab.com vs. Woody Guthrie’s peoples. If you can’t beat em, at least take a percentage of the profits.

– Barbie has a last name, and it’s not Queue.

– Dem cartoon bunnies are at it again. This time it’s Jaws in 30 seconds.

– And here at Thighs Wide Shut, we aim to make you crap yer pants laughing, not make you cry yer eyes out. All apologies to my CityRagDoll. But if we happen to make you all wet and juicy, please email us, or at least send us cookies!!

– Forget about following what those “professional bloggers” are reporting at the DNC. Just czech out what our man the Shoppe of Products Keeper has scooped up.

– And is Vincent Gallo the creepiest Republican ever? [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Weezer, say it aint so: New York Subway Stop Names For Sale?.

– To Hell with Lohan’s Herbie: Fully Loaded, cause Toyota’s going to unleash a real car with real emotions. Scare-E shiz. Maybe we should have listened to Will Smith’s proclamation of Them, Robots.

– The Archdukes invade the Roseland Ballroom on September 9th. Tickets go on sale this Friday at noon. Get em before all the hipster bloggers beat you to em!

– Everyone’s one stop shop for a$$holeism, SiegHeil.de has a new look… being redirected to Shoa.de, a site dedicated to exposing the horrors of the Holocaust.

– My boy Wanamaker is fit, but don’t he know it! He’s the one smiling in the lower left-hand corner.

– If yer rich, marry me, but also peepage what my girl Chillary “My Last Name Really Isn’t” Johnmis on CNN has to say about bling-bleaux travel and leisure.

– Saddam loves muffins and cookies, gardening, and penning poems about GWBusch. He’s more American than Amerigo Vespucci.

– Words. Lots of words.

– VMA noms announced. Yer umhumble Thigh Master has declared a jihad on the VMAs ever since the Gorillaz’ “Clint Eastwood” video lost to Mudvayne for the M2 award in 2001.

– Jenny McCarthy to star in a Dirty movie that she also wrote and her husband will direct. If her boobs aren’t in it for 68/69nths of the time, I’ll demand my money back.

– Calculate how much booze you’ve downed in yer life here. [Link via Randall Palms]

– The Steven Segal Official Fan Club. Don’t sign up all at once now! [Link 1nce again via Zach de la Roachclip]

– And don’t read this before lunch or visiting yer dentist: Dentist Allegedly Injected Semen Into Patients’ Mouths. [Link via Guns ‘n’ Rosenthal]

– On behalf of yers truly, the Thigh Daddy, the BeastMaster, Blaster Master, Thunderdome‘s Master Blaster and the rest of the Master clan, we want to wish our cousin, the View-Master a merry 65th b-day. To celebrate, they’ve even inducted him into the National Toy Hall of Fame. Go get em Viewie!! Yer 3-D is butter than all of Jaws 3-D and the virtual reality in The Lawnmower Man. Speaking of, where have you gone Jeff Fahey? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

– Bush/Hitler comparison clip removed from Ozzfest video montage. I don’t think people would have complained as much if it was just a clip of A$$hole eating a watermelon.

– Tom & Jerry, the live action talk show. It’s not what you think.

– What on earth is Bert doing to Ernie? [NSFW thing via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Dan the Automat on board for Archduke’s follow-up?

– Dave Abbott challenges pretty boy Ken Jennings to a cage match to the death. “I think I could take him.”

– The grandest college basketball team in all the land, los Merryland Twerps, are headed to Italy this fall for a 12 day preseason tour. And Duke, they’ll be at home shining Mike Kyryewqssrkskikiesies’s johnson. And the nihilists, they’re going to cut off the Dude’s johnson. And the Dude, he’s got a great soundboard. Back to Twerp shariz: Welcome back Keith Booth!! And do you think Walt Williams still hangs out with Hootie and his Blowfish?

– Dem be some tall buildings.

– Leisure Suit Larry all over again?

– 1 in 5 Germans drink to get drunk. What do the other 4 do? Have a bit of the olde stein-haussen-weiner-shintizel-fliz-huis-de-flughaufen and then gobble a watermelon?

– 21 days until the Athens games. Wake me up when it’s 2006, cold, and Johnny Mosley’s baking some more dinner rolls.

– Who created the scores for Planet Of The Apes, Total Recall, Gremlins, Chinatown, Hoosiers, many a Star Trek fliz, and yes, even The Twilight Zone? Oscar owner, Jerry Goldsmith, dats who. Well, he croaked Wednesday night. Peace the f%@k out dawwwwwwwwg.

– Some say breastesiest Goonies website out there. Some of those people are these people people.

– Join the Army and get bigger breasts or a smaller nose for free!!

– Those Dutch make killer pancakes, dope, and windmills. Apparently, they’re also tall is fork.

– And word on the street is that Lindsay Lohan ate lunch yesterday. I heard she also had something to drink, but when we contacted her reps, they responded with “No comment.”

– What day is more precious to Americans than July 4th, Independence Day? July 2nd, aka the day Ms. Lindsay Lohan-Thighmaster turns a ripe 18!!!! FINALLY, I no longer have to be compared with the likes of Pee-Wee Herman or Jeffrey Jones!! And why don’t you just shut up San Francisco Chronicle reporter Peter Hartlaub. We all know you can’t wait for Kim Possible to turn legal.

– Wanna be cool like the Thigh Master? Then why don’t you bid on these Temple of Doom collectible glasses. No time for eating Dr Jones!

– First Seacrest and now Winslet out? She’s backing out of the Woodman’s London-set film cause of the heavy load on her shoulders… her breasts.

– Boy named ESPN to be visited by… ESPN!!!

– Set times have been posted for this summer’s Coney Island Siren Fest. Shit is going to be hotttttt like Buster Poindexter. Can’t wait to buy me fifteen chili dogs from Nathan’s.

– Casablanca’s answer to Planet Hollywood: Rick’s Cafe. Hopefully they don’t have Play It Again Sam-dwiches on their menu.

– Cleavage, one of the breast documentaries I’ve ever seen, airs again tonight on A&E at 8 pm.

– What sorta sounds and looks like South Park? Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s latest: Princess. [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

– The Newbs and his comedy series at Boston’s Regattabar got some nyce press in The Globe.

– Itching to know what ever happened to that Encyclopedia Britannica Kid or what columnist Weed McBonghit will do with life after Phish? Czech out my comrades over at Inside Joke.TV for those answers and much, much more.