Thighs Wide Shut

– Tis no Lohan/Fez parting, but who woulda thunk Kurt & Goldie were headed to Splitsville, USA? Some say Goldie’s snatch had gotten smelly, others claim it was her desire to play the Kim Cattrall role in a shot-by-shot remake of Big Trouble In Little China directed by Gus van Sant, but me thinks Kurt realized juss how fourging annoying and un-talented his sorta-stepchildren, Kate & Oliver Hudson, were.

– Semi-speaking of Her Former Royal Fezness, LL-Cool-Thighs threw a ‘tantrum’ at JFK airport last Sunday, which in turn delayed a flight and pissed off many a passengers. Who cares, right? Well, at least watch this qwik vid of her boobs being pressed together! [last via Da Brazilian aMUSEing Gal]

– Yo, can some one hook me up wit Kofi Ananananan digits? Cause I wanna see if he can hook me up with Nicole ‘Citizen of the World’ Kidman, so I can bang help her conceive.

– Ready for some Holiday Christmas shopping? What’s sure to be the most un-returnable gift, yet have the highest re-sale value on eBay this post-Christmas? Ponchos knitted by Catherine-Zeta-Jones-McDonald-Douglas. And what gift is sure to gift our dear readers the runs? The Rachael Ray Cook Book Collection. What to get someone who hates cats? This. And nothing sez I love you like the famed a Virgin Mary grilled cheese! [last via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

– Fallujah Gone Wild! [via Nipsy Newbsy]

– Get yer Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy tease on! [via Use My Comps]

– Didn’t pick up the new Playboy with Denise ‘The Brains’ Richards yet? Here’s a peek-a-jizz for you! [NSFWness via I Ate My Cubes]

– How come uber-fly chicks don’t work at my local McDonalds? [via Fleaski]

– The Muppets take Brooklyn!

– Life went on without David Lee Roth, but hopefully yer life wont if yer ever in an ambulance and he’s YOUR PARAMEDIC!

– Lizadies, let me help you, by you helping me. [via Mr de la Roachclip]

– Apparently back in the way day, anyone and everyone made an LP. Here’s the proof.

– Smoking ban proposed for England. What next, a Fat Albert big screen adventure?

– Fatboy Slim sure sweats an awful lot.

– 69 hamburgers in 8 minutes, Takeru Kobayashi, you truly are the messiah!

– Just in case you didn’t see the headline of last week made by President, tear it is: All I Want For Christmas Is To Shove My Cock Down Your Thrizz.

– And the Fiddler made my day with this Cuthbert snap and I hope it makes yers…

– SAAB (Small And Animated Boobs). NSFW (Not Safe For Work). TTMMFNSA (The Thigh Master’s Mos Favoritistits New Site Around). [via Cefle via Metafilter]

– Really lame Urban Legends. [via Site With That HORRIBLE Logo]

– The Steelers’ logo and why its only on one side of the helmet all hexplained here! [via Ask Yazoo!]

– Alaska could have been the next Netherlands.

– ‘Kemosabe’, not racist.

– The Missouri El Tigres’ men’s b-ball squad were smacked with 3 years probation, but no ban on tourney play. Quin Snyder could not be reached for comment cause his nose was deep down in a pile of blow. Let it be known that Quiny, with the Leonardo DiCap hair, be the only person associated with the Dukies that I remotely respect.

– Liquid Heroin Found in Fruit Juice Boxes. I think these be those long lost/rumored juice boxes that were suppose to end up in Jonestown, Guyana, instead of that wicked cyanide Kool-Aid.

– Flash animation at tits wurstest, starring Ted ‘The Million Dollar Man’ DiBiase (best watched wit sound). [via Mr Flip] Speaking of WRASTlin’, is it juss me or did anyone else not know that Miss Elizabeth died last year? Everyone snap into a Slim Jim on her behalf and bewhole.

– Buy a the mix CD pieced together by Grandaddy’s Jason Lytle and you can win a mix cassette! WOW! Now all the winner has to do is find a tape player!

– Add Macca to the Band Aid III line-up.

– Select yous, sign up for free passes to see Natalie Portman play a stripper in Closer or Geoffrey Rush looking eggzactly like Peter Sells in The Life & Death of Peter Sellers. And for you EnWhySeaers, pick up free passes to see Bridget Jones II, Seed of Chucky, and Brett Ratner’s latest piece of crap.

And some final political fizz…

– Now that Puffy’s mission of getting famous skinny people and Democratic NYers to vote is over, maybe he can resurrect Nintendo’s Skate Or Die!

– Single and want to move to Canada pronto? Click me! Or contact Cutie Canuck Paige. [via My Democratic Man Marvkus]

– You thought G Dub won yesterday? Boviously you were mistaken. The map don’t lie peoples! Major congratrelations to The Peabs & The Coz!!! I can already hear the ‘4 more years!’ chant, but…

– Who you puttin yer money on in 2008? Here be

– Who’s a world famous stunt guru that wants to inspire you to exercise? Apparently it’s this guy BikerFox. And if you peep his pictures, you’ll wonder like me why he isn’t called BikerWalrus. [via Dickey Greenleaf]

– Her Royal Thighness’ album Speak drops on December 7th. I may buy two copies. One to listen to and the other to j.o. on.

– Speaking of her 2% less-ness, rumors are flying that she may be cast to play Firestar, aka Angelica Jones, in Spidey 3. To which that site sez, ‘If you believe this, Meryl Streep is going to play Jenna Jameson in a movie about her life featuring a cameo by me as a double-dong.’ Sounds like a safe bet to me! And will someone please tell this guy that the role has already been cast.

– Star Wars III trailer to be shown before The Incredibles starting 11/5. Will also air during crappy infotainment shows on 11/4. [via Double Vikes @ dot dot dot]

– A superbly fly chick riding a mechanical bull and eating a bacon cheese burger. Is this Thighland Heaven? No, it’s a friggin Hardee’s commercial. [via BLOGSplotation]

– You know yer campaign has shat the bed when Yasser Arafat has endorsed you. [via OneOfTheBreastSitesEVER]

– Peace the fork out to slash-temps and HELLO to full-on hotness from the gal who got me interested in bliz-ogging in the first place: Ms Modern Age.

РBj̦rk, only you would have the mostest peculiariest animatedist giftistest!

– John Edwards has great hair. And here’s one of the world’s most boringist videos featuring it. [via Navi aka the I-Train]

– Why again are the Red Sox named the Red Sox? Don’t bother calling Robert Stack, just click here. [via Jon Juan de Wanimaker]

– Glasto ’05 bands announced already?

– Sure we all ate a few pennies when we were kids, but whatta bout $197K?

– Keenan McCardell finally finds a job. Too bad someone already has him on their bench in each of the three fantasy leagues I’m in.

– Got a great idea for Karate Kid 2K5: Daniel LaRusso vs The Kancer Kicking Karate Rabbi!

– And fianlly, how did Julie know I LOVE Louis Vuitton? And who the FUDGE is Susan and why on earth did she spend 500 bones on a bag?

– Hilary Duff emitted some fighting words at Her Royal Thighness, LL, on her latest record. Spraying shiz like, “You’re queen of superficiality. Keep your lies out of my reality.” and also “You say your boyfriend’s sweet and kind, but you’ve still got your eyes on mine.” Ahhhhhhhh snap!!!!!! What will the Lohanster do for a rebuttal? Here’s my guess at some lyrics she might pen, “Yo bizatch, you can lick my orange crotch. And what’s up with yer first name? Omitting an ‘l’ aint no way to gain fame. Jealous that my box office receipts are as big as my breasts? Yer so broke I bet you love the NY Mets.” Wow, maybe I should quit my day and night jobs and become a songwriter. Peace the fork out Bernie Taupin!!

– Beating off to Speaking of Lohan, LeBron James was supposed to grace the cover of this month’s GQ and not her. However, after the editors took a look at her snaps and jizzed all over themselves, they decided to make the switch. And no, I do not work at GQ.

– And boy how eggstatic am I that her papa aint going to the big house!! I mean, who wants an inmate as an in-law?

– Finally, in the Lohansphere, our lady in waiting went all sorts of APE SHEEEET when she found out her local bakery was out of blueberry muffins!! Lohan’s frantic antics remind me of another naughty kid who I had a crush on, and coincidentally turned into a blueberry: Violet Beauregarde. [via GoldenDisSpencer]

– To hell with the World Beard & Stache Championships, cause we could all get our fair share of hair this weak end at Poland’s World Sex Championships!! I’m dying to meat the woman who ends up winning the contest to see who can have sex with as many men as possible. Now there’s a lady you can bring home to ma!

– Mark David Chapman was denied parole, again. For him, that’s actually a good thing cause them Lennon fans were gonna hack em into pieces.

– I don’t think I can ride the Log Flume ever again after peeping these sloppy jalopies NSFW action. [via Popbitch]

– Having trouble deciding where to go on that special vacation? Why not try Oklahoma!! Too bad you can no longer learn about their great attractions like Confederate battles re-enacted or the cow manure tossing-a-thon cause they just recalled their tourist brochures. And if the Okieland aint yer cup of tea, you may want to skip out on North Dakota as well. Unless you want to see this crap.

– My boy Guns n’ Rosenthal not only supplied me with this phatty link of Cheney checking out Edwards’ daughter’s tush (Windows Media), but he got (Joe E) Etan Thomas to write a column for his Chez Ghetto Washington Wizards site! The site isn’t ghetto, just the broke a$$ ‘Zards are. I won’t be a fan until they revert back to being the Chez Ghetto Bullets.

– Do you take loud dumps? Sound Princess is here to help!

– If this Scarecrow costume from the new Batman movie is legit, it’ll be the scariest thing I’ve seen on screen since Rosie O’Donnell sported leather with pleasure in Exit To Eden. [via Levittown]

– Jack Osbourne’s gal pal had her implants removed and she give em to him as a gift. He now proudly displays them on his wall! (sorry no picture)

– Duran Duran drops their latest shiny plastic thing that contains music next Twosday and they’ll be making two in-store appearances. Here’s the rub: The first 500 people to purchase the new album beginning Tuesday, 10/12 at 9am (only at the Times Square location and Sunset location) will receive a wristband that guarantees admittance to the in-store signing. Oct 12, NYC – Virgin Times Square @ 6PM AND Oct 15, LA – Virgin Megastore Hollywood 7PM

– Although I always aim to tease AND please, I’m sorry for those of ya searching in vain for Lindsay Lohan not Jewish and linda blair’s masturbating pics from exorcist 1. But if you elect me president, I’ll be sure to get to the bottom of these queries in my first month of office.

– And if you plan on seeing the crap on a stick known as Taxi, you obviously have no taste and gots no bidness being one of my readers. Thank you and good night/morning!

– The Winter Olympics are soooo much butter than the Summer games. Case in point: Turin 2006 just unveiled their mascots, Neve & Gliz, who just happen to be not as deformed or semi-retarded lookin like Athens’ unloved duo Phevos & Athena. [via Laing Sack of Shit]

– Lohan’s hotness seems to be slipping these daze. First there were the highly un-sexy snaps of her in this month’s GQ and now we’re stuck with this very un-cumcredible cover to her single ‘Rumors’. If I were her, I’d cover my face too! But not before taking a bubble bath and touching my, er, uh, um, her boobs.

– A VA private school doled out margaritas to kids instead of limeade. DOH! Some of the kids found the libation ‘gross’, while other said it made the girls in their class look ‘wicked hot’.

– Have you ever banged some poon in Cancun on a Spring Break sexcapade long ago and wanted to be reunited with that special slut? This site was create for sleaze balls sacs like you! [via Made of Brawnsteen]

– Create yer own Lego person. [via Pakulashaker]

– Peace the spork out to Geoffrey Beene counter! You kicked major (bill) (bl)ass!

– Spaceballs II? Why GAWD, WHY??? Re-watch the 1st one and let me know if you still find it funny. [via GoldenFiddlerOnTheRoof]

РEuropean pets will now need a passport when traveling. And Se̱or Spot, are you bringing any fruits or plants into this country? Arf! You may proceed.

– And happy 34th flippin b-day to Natalie Wood’s daughter/Hollywood’s flyest three-named actress who has disappeared off the face of the earth: Natasha Gregson Wagner. We miss you sweetits!! If need be, we can squeeze you in on the lesbian Charlie’s Angels movie in production.