Thighs Wide Shut

Â

• Things are gettin a bit hectic like General Electric in the race for the soon to be vacant throne. Pinder’s been grabinin other chick’s boobs [sorta semi NSFW], Harley Quinn’s been transforminin into a real person, Mischa’s been wearinin less clothes than she has pounds, Albanski’s been crossinin her arms way too much, yuMM’s been cuddlinin with ma and dawgs, Padme’s been screaminin more than when she was preggers, Sharapova’s been fondleinin balls, and Cuthabovetherest has been launchinin a massive counter-offensive of over eggsposeher to win the hearts of the peoples and stay in power. I’ve never felt so wanted. Cept when I signed up for Columbia House six times over, never paid em a dime (just that one tapped penny), and their collector’s were following me around the globe from Ocean City, NJ, to Ocean City, MD. When will the madness end in my house? And when will I hear Madness’ ‘Our House’ [d-lode] on my shores? Oh yeah, probably this fall.

• Lindsay Lohag’s taste in music is 55% gag me with a spork, 33% rad, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.

• Bob Geldof dropped from his own event

• It (muss) Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold them Back… from releasing more albums with catchy names that no one will buy.

Cuthbert-Camilla flick, The Quiet, gets its world splurtmear at this year’s Torononototo Film Fest. I’ve already booked my flight and put an order in for 23 boxes of Kleenex and 12 bottles of Jergens.

• The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Lemme take a bite of the peach.

• Love Page Six, but don’t feel like registirrin in order to read it on the interwebs? Me too. So many spanks to PG6 for doing all the work for us. Please do not confuse this site with PerezHilton.com, formerly PageSixSixSix.blogspot.com, but not to be confused with PageSixSixSix.com, PaigeSix.blogspot.com, PageSix.blogspot.com, PageFive.blogspot.com, PageThree.blogspot.com, PageThree.com [NSFW], ESPN.com Page 3, or GI Joe hero Deep Six. [1st link via Ms Ism]

• Stella needs a new groove to get her old one back. While it may be awhile before her next ménage e trois, Stella can suck on some Artois.

• Despite Mischa’s hotness, monkey, and milk, no one wants to buy Keds.

• One thing that could possibly get me to watch the NBA: the 7-years too late debut of ex-Terpie Sarunas Yesamadcabbages

• Keira Knightley and a visibly upset man in a yellow polo

• AMC Theatres theythinks you’ll love Cinderella Man so dang much that they’re offering a MONEY BACK GUARANTEE. More info here.

• My new job is located in the gravyest of gravy area. Willem Dafoe walks down the street in peace, there are 5 places that vend baked carb yummies in my building alone, and the beloved highline lines the skies. I’ve never had the pleasure of exploring the high line, but that all will change very soon. Before they make it all neo-crazy-sexy-cool, I want to eggspearance it in its current dilapidated form. Thanks to Verbose Coma, this will be my guide.

• What Ken Jennings watches

• Mexican Stamp Called Offensive To Blacks [via The Real Jonah]

• Boffins Create Zombie Dogs. Many Bothans died to bring us this information. [via Red Hot Core-Vette]

• This may be a repost, BUTT… Today’s Front Pages

• Alex Feingold and his whoreibble taste in animated gifs

• York, PA, the ‘Factory Tour Capital of the World’! With 5 of these tours focusing on potato chip or pretzel manufacturing (Utz being #1 in both categories), they may want to change their motto to ‘Crumbiest Place On Earth’!

Here be some snaps from last nite’s Freedom From JapanaPorn Fest. I have no idea who most of these people below are, but they were very willing to pose for a photo. [Note to self: figure out how to turn on that anti-redeye feature]

• Meanwhile, Bad Girls author Alex McAulay waxes bout the prospects of Lohag & Duffdiver starring in the movie adaptation.

• Blur suing each other?

• From Popbitch: Noel Gallagher was interviewed by David Walliams in the Observer last weekend, and told a classic story. Liam, apparently, was a huge fan of Spinal Tap. But he thought they were a real band. He was horrified to discover the same actors performing as A Mighty Wind at Carnegie Hall a few years back and, when Noel told him the bad news, shouted “I’m not ‘avin’ that”, and stormed off. And has never watched the film again. And spank the lord they finally played MSG last nite, cause I was gonna jump outta window if I had to read one more stankin article talkin bout how they sold out the place in minutes.

• Stewart Copeland Foos it up

• Mandy Moore to be inducted into the National Lacrosse Hall of Fame!

• Remember the search engine Excite.com? Neither did I til I read this.

• Don Malkemes furthers goal of ‘humping’ actress Kelly MacDonald. Great, but who’s Don Malkemes? UK’s answer to Stephen Malkmus?

• If one person yawns, why does everyone else in the room want to yawn? Related: somebody please stuff her mouth

• Just what I needed: a female Japanese android that wears gloves [via JINR]

• Who has the world’s greatest 404 Error: Page not found? The Sugar Daddy, Mr Poon

• Don’t pass up the chance again to own yer own Freezy Freakies

• Photos of an unknown family who probably owned a liquor store

• Rock, Paper, Saddam! [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Yer YTMDawgnesses of the day: although Grambs hit the mark by matching Racist killer Killen with Uncle Jr, how bout Killen and the Six Flags guy? Or juss for shiz and giggles, a lame Cuthbert & Vader one AND Baloo Jizzes on Tom Cruise, which I could watch for 3 hrs straight… or would that be 3 hrs gay?

• No perspiration this time from Ms Pinder, but still plenty of yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yummy yamness to go round!! OMLORD, I may have to bypass all other Her Royal Thighness the III candidates and juss elect her two redonk bazoombies to the bone throne!!! [most are kinda NSFW]

• Who has consistently produced the best TV special year after year? Thighs down, The American Film Institute. The fun began back in ’98 when they dropped their list of America’s 100 Greatest Movies (if Citizen Kane hadn’t come out on top, you wouldn’t be reading this paragraph). ’99 emitted the tops in his and hers, ’00 got busy like Sean Paul with the laughs, ’01 (the real beginning of the millennium) was absolute-lee thrilling (mainly thinks to Hitchcock, the real Hitch, not that crap with the Fresh Prince and the King of Queens… royalty my A$$!!), ’02 was a bowl of mushy peas, ’03 left out the ugly and went straight for the good and the bad, ’04 made for such sweet music, and we sipped Five Alive in the ’05, while we were totally titillized and thighszed as they rolled out the 100 Best Quotes. [Note: the AFI site was all sorts of fugazied, and hence the other linky-poos] As usual, they were mostly on point like John Negroponte, with a few melon-scratchers here and there (how could ‘There’s no crying in baseball‘ be better than both ‘Heeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Johnny‘ AND ‘Get yer hands off me, you damn dirty APE!‘? Time to break out the shotguns Chuck). The only thing that lacks credibility is their selection of on-air talent to gab about the fizz. DL Hughley? Elayne Boosler? Wolfgang Puck? What, was Ebert too busy making love to a box of Jujubes? Anywhozitz, I’d like to throw out a bunch of random quotes that didn’t make the list and mean something especial to meski. The criteria? Anything in my lifetime, meaning from ’77 on (sorry Escape From The Planet of the Apes, but hello Hello Again!!). I’m sure I’m missing some, but I don’t have all day to write about crap… although I’m sure u spank otherwise.

‘In honor of our special guest, I’ve created dinner mon dieu — including Frahnch fries… Frahnch dressing… and Frahnch bread. And to drink Pay-roo‘ – Jenny Meyer, Better Off Dead

‘Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father: prepare to die!‘ – Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride

‘Smokey, this is not ‘Nam. This is bowling. There are rules.‘ – Walter Sobchak, The Big Lebowski

‘Man, we ain’t found shit!‘ – Henchman, Spaceballs

‘Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina!‘ – Joseph, Kindergarten Cop

‘The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.‘ – Jules, Pulp Fiction

‘Maggots, Michael. You’re eating maggots.‘ – David, The Lost Boys

‘Bring me everyone. What do you mean “everyone”? EVERYONE!!’ – Norman Stansfield and Benny, The Professional

‘Don’t f#ck with the babysitter!‘ – Chris, Adventures In Babysitting

‘Shall we play a game?‘ – Joshua, the computer, WarGames

‘How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?‘ – Uncle Rico, Napoleon Dynamite

‘It was f%ckin’ obvious that cunt was gonna fuck some cunt.‘ – Begbie, Trainspotting

‘On how good your manners are… and how big your pocketbook is… – Dexter Jettster, Episode III

‘Is this something you can share with the rest of us, Amazing Larry?‘ – Pee Wee, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure

‘Grow up, Heather. Bulimia’s so ’87.‘ – Heather Chandler, Heathers

‘Pull the string! Pull the string!‘ – Bela Lugosi, Ed Wood

‘I’m gonna go get the papers, get the papers.‘ – Jimmy Two Times, Goodfellas

‘Mrs. Peacock was a man?‘ – Mr Green, Clue

‘I don’t care what the scoreboard says at the end of the game, in my book we’re gonna be winners.‘ – Coach Norman Dale, Hoosiers

‘Pyle, you climb obstacles like old people f#ck.‘ – Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, Full Metal Jacket

‘Better to be king for a night than a schmuck for a lifetime.‘ – Rupert Pupkin, The King of Comedy

‘Sugar Mr. Poon? No, never, NEVER!‘ – Stanton Boyd’s secretary and Fletch F Fletch, Fletch

‘What the fuck’s a frush?‘ – Booger, Revenge of the Nerds

‘And the capital of Nebraska is Lincoln.‘ – Announcer, Kentucky Fried Movie

• Gorillaz to do a REAL tour this November. Now the problem be that we probably have to get our a$$es to Manchester in order to see em.

• Eggman, aka Billy Corgan, desperately wants attention/to reform the Pumpkins. I say fine, but only if he doesn’t turn all the nice bits into screamy bits onstage.

• Jennifer Ellison fractured her collar bone. Don’t panic, the breasts are still OK. [sorta NSFW, cause her boobs are so big]

• W. Mark Felt felt it was time to cash in on his deep thrizzle. No doubt a movie is happening, but why does Tom Hanks have to play him?

• Peep the vid for best song off Beck’s uneven Guero, ‘Girl‘. Shiz reminds me of MAD Magazine‘s backpage Fold–Ins.

• How come the BVegan is doing a better job updating us on Siren Fest’s line-up than the site itself?

• CMJ Music Marrython to be held Zeptember 14-17

• Don’t be scared Jean Claude Van Dame Dakota Fanning the I of Thighland. I’ve adopted you and took you under my wing so you’d be safe from all the crazies out there.

• Maria Sharapova Eating A Banana

• Return to normalcy/hottacy?

• Radio Memories

• NYC Subway Mosaics

• How could the webmaster of Fakedrpepper.com let the domain expire?

• Mother Gave Permission Slip For Man To Have Sex With Girl AND Police Release Photo Showing Teen Impaled On Fence [vias Newz O Da Weird]

• This is N%gga Stole My Bike thing has complete-lee gotten outta lo-hand: N!gga Stole My Bubble Bobble, N$gga Stole My Yoshi, N@gga Stole Carnegie Hall, N#gga Stole My Price Is Right Game, and flubvs course, DOS Stole My Bike. Whatever u do, juss stay away from YTMND 2. Your brain may eggsplode.

• Keds has run outta ideas with their Mischa B campaign. Or maybe that Jodie Foster kid whore look is back in fashion and no one told me about it. Its still hottier than her kissing Anakin Skyloser. But not as thumcredbile as this pic…

• Boy how Glass Joe. Tis ending of an era is mos sadder than the ending of Rain Man…

• Damon Albest takes a piss on Live 8 for not being black enuff, while Pink Floyd reunites for the guy who played Pink Floyd and his thing.

• It was destiny that brought them together, but it was… WHO CARES?!?!?

• Peace the fork out MacGyver boss man!

• Christina Aguilera’s music was used to keep Guantanamo Bay prisoners awake. But if they really wanted to torture people, they should juss play the crap on disc that is LCD Soundsystem. AWFULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!

• Amy Sedaris interviews Sam Rockwell. If they ever had children together, it would be the hottiest funny thing ever created since Drexel’s Class.

• Owen Wilson never read the script to Anaconda before arriving on set.

• 60 Mins was a repeat last nite, but that doesn’t mean that Rooney’s take on US coins doesn’t deserve a 2nd look. I would have paid $2 zillion dollars to be there when he was using the Penny Arcade @ Commerce Bank.

• For the last time, Mike D is NOT related to Screech or Neil Diamond

• Quit MESSING with her boobs

• You’re Anus

• The Picture of EVERYTHING

• Hulk Hogan, the animated gif of the gawds [via My Man Marvkus]

• Dead url I’m so spankful for being resurrected: HeatsOfMeat.com

• How To Draw The Nipples Back On Victoria’s Secret Catalog Models Using Adobe Photoshop [via Itzaaa Richie]

• Think Tom Cruise, Senor Speilbergo, and the special effects are the reasons to go see War of the Worlds? Yer more dead wrong then when Neville Chamberlain tried that appeasement crap on a watermelon-crazed maniac. Sure, I heart Miranda HOTTO & Tim Robbins berry mucho much, but this invasion flick should be renamed The Passions of The Dakota Fanning Is Scared: THE MOVIE. Why? Cause she’s 5623655900233 times better an actor than Scientologist Jones could ever be, and she’s only 2 1/2 years old!! Give her 10 years and she’ll have more Oscars than Meyer. + she’s the cutest thing I’ve EVER seen in my entire life. And before you think dirtywise you sick FORKS, I wouldn’t let her sleep in my bed or serve her Jesus Juice (which may or may not explain her shirt below), but I’d love to go and play on the playground with her or eat 6 zillion ice cream sangwhiches with her while watching every single Neverending Story on DVD, even the one with Jack Black. She just plain rules the schools and the shuls. And since I think so THIGHLY of her, I’ve decided to adopt her. I give to you, Jean Claude Van Dame Dakota Fanning the I of Thighland. Just promise to never grow old, up, and awkward like Haley Joel Omeletteeee.

[via DF.org]