Thighs Wide Shut

My 10 year high school reunion RULED, cause I was the most popular kid EVER and our school ruled and I ruled the school!!!! All my classmutts got to meet, greet, and bow to the newly minted Mr and Mrs Thigh Master of Thighland!! And My Man Marvkus was there and he even wore his special helmet!!!

• SKINS STILL BLOW!!!!

• NINE minutes of Narnia footage!!! I only allowed myself to watch a minute of it, but this shiz is gonna be the CHRONIC(les) [via CumSoon]

• Borat responds, in video form, to Kazakhstan’s litigation threats against his alter ego [via CNN/Borat Site]

• Who knew that CC the IV was niggled by her knees?

• The Encyclopedia Britannica commercial kid has a blog, with 98% less mandibula [via Data Dizzle]

• Congratulations Hanes, you have finally created some beatoff matz

• Pat Morita proving that man who fish with chopstick can get press in ’67

• The MySpace Legion Of Extraordinary Stupid Hair Super Heroes!

• 2004 was sorta the new 1861

• Cheerioke [via Crude Feet]

• Most dangerous toys

• Macy’s T-Giving Day Parade of ’89, with bonus footage of NBC’s KILLAH Saturday Night Lineup (227, Amen, The Golden Girls and Empty Nest)

• Bid to own Herbie, which may or may not have Lohag butt stains [via The I-Train]

• Shockey, premature jockularity (stolen from Dan Patrick), gif stizz [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

• Kate, can we be friendsters with privileges?

• And what’s the bestest advantage of having older siblings? Being exposed to things your really shouldn’t be at many a tender ages. One memory of mammories that stands out in my mind is watching Valley Girl at or around the age of 6. I think that was the berry first time that I saw boobs on TV. I don’t remember much else, but from that day forward, I was hooked for life on the things that most men don’t have, but we all love. I think even gay men love boobs. I know the Bloodhound Gang surely do, but who knows if they are gay or not. Anywho, everyone in that movie showed us their boobs, even Tommy Pickles/Pee-Wee’s bike buddy Dottie/the singer in and of Better Off Dead, eggcept for, I believe, the one lil hottie that Nicolas Cage would stop the world for, just for melting: Deborah Foreman [d-lode the Modern English tune for full effect]. I give her props for keeping her clothes on, but I give her POOPS for being one of the flyest lizadies of the his-eighties who basically fell into b-movie helldom and started to look like crusty Charlotte Rampling in Swimming Pool [NSFW]. Why can’t I invents a time machine and bring Ms Foreman, Dirty Woman, Fly Girl, and The Dolenz, in all their former glories, into the now and make them party with me in a giant jacuzzi… kinda like what Uncle Rico dreamt of with his soul mate. But alas, I can’t invents things and can only write about the wrongs my lil prepubescent eyes had seen. BOOOOOOOOOOBS!!! So, ya think you don’t know who Ms Foreman is? Wellski, did I mention that she was the sultry sultan in Real Genius that made me want to own dress shirts so that one day a nakkid chick could wear my dress shirt, NAKED??

I don’t like to toss around terms like ‘anally raped by fist covered in Crisco’ or ‘back alley abortion with wire hangers covered in Crisco’, but I don’t know how else to express in werds what happened to the Redskins in front of mine very own eyes at the Ghettolands yesterday. Thamks to Megbot, I had the bestest seats my ass has ever enjoyed (40 yd line, 30 rows up), but it was probably the biggest waste of my time since I voted for John Kerry in a heavily democratic state, or when I attempted to make chicken pot pie, with pot. Korny may have it write, but I’m still a believer… until they’re officially eliminated from the payoff picture… which for once, may actually occur on the final week of the season.

• I’ve given up on my search for Wayne Fontes, so I can focus my attentions on the disappearance of Yancey Thigpen. Btw, did anyone ever see him in the same room as Tupac?

• There’s boviously something rotten in the state of Denmark or in the brains of the 2 coaches who gave Oral Roberts a vote on USA Today/ESPN’s pre-season Top 25 poll. I suspect Tevester Anderson and Ron ‘Fang’ Mitchell are the two in question, and they may also be CIA operatives. Don’t blame this leak on me, just plame it on the rain.

• And in our final sportsish related topic of the day, my dearest brother-in-law, Davey “Brickhouse” MadeofBrawnsteen, finished in 5th place at the Verizon VoiceWing Battle at Union Jack’s in Bethesda, MD, by wolfing down 2.5 lbs of wings in 10 minutes. Snatchurally the Black Widow took top prize, but she better watch her back for Davey poo, who’ll soon climb his way up the ladder of excess. I hactually signed up for the contest myself, but since I was chosen as an alternate I decided to go to the Skins game instead. Probably the 14th wurst call of my life.

• The last things I want to think about when RFK’s assassination comes to mind is The Mighty Ducks, nip-slips [NSFW], and Shia LaBeouf

• The Wu-Tang Clan Andy Rooney aint nuttin to f$%k wit… and although I’m sure he never rides the subway, I bet he’s no fan of Dr. Zizmor

• I’ll set the odds at 30 to 1 that Kanye’s ‘Jesus Walks’ doesn’t even appear in the movie Jarhead, but all bets are off on a HRT the IV and Gavin engagement

• Pilgrims are flocking by the singles to the new Mecca, Long Island’s sole remaining Roy Rogers. And if this supposed resurgance fails, and the LI becomes the last remaining RR on earth, I smell a comeback for Bogdanovich in the vein of his brills The Last Picture Show. Maybe he’ll get Cybil to bare breasts again [NSFW], but this time in the name of holster fries and fixin bars.

• Link I never wanted to click on, but did because I needed an eggscuse to slit my eyes out: The Very Best of Jena Malone (Schoolgirl See Thru+Nips)

• And to help ease the pain of clicking the above link, here’s a pic of Double K… doing something, inside a limo, with her mouth, and sorta showing us her sorta chest…

• Free passes to I wish I knew how to quit you THE MOVIE

• The Village Voice: 50 Years/50 Covers

• Are there inbred families in the Ozarks/Appalachians like in Deliverance?

• DougEddingsIsADouche.blogspot.com [via Sox Hater #1]

• I was back in the VT last week, and the only thing I love more than the free cookies I gets from the DoubleTree hotel, and their fumcredible fall foliage…

…is eating my weight in hamburgers, shakes, fries, and fried chicken at Al’s French Frys has much has humanly possible. It’s steadily moving up the ranks on my long retired list of ‘Places To Eat B4 U Die’. Be there, or be thin!!!

And my email acct decided to erase most of the messages in my inbox, so if you entered our Supergrass Super Mark Duper contest, or if you still want to enter, all you have to do is answer the following three questions and she-male me wit yer name and address.

1) Which Supergrass song appeared on the Clueless soundtrack?
2) Who was Jek Porkins‘ best friend?
3) What am I wearing right now?

Recently, I had a lil convo with my adopted daughter, Van Dame Dakota Fanbelt the I, about how Ellen Burstyn and Denise Richards’ performances in Requiem for a Dream and Starship Troopers, respectively, were the mos hosed over come Oscar time. When I asked her which two bizatches’ performances would top her list, without blinking an eye, she replied, ‘Joan Cusack’s thumcredible work in 16 Cans and Lane’s nightmare calculator date hater from Better Off Dead.‘ At first I didn’t really understand what she meant by that, considering she is the devil, but all of the sudden, everything is illuminated…

[via Dlistina]
• IT happened again. She looked like her old self, but this time, there was less hand holding, and a lot more dry humping. Can anyone tell me what this means?

• Does this mean that when KK read my review, she beatoff with a bottle of HP sauce for 48 hours straight? Honey, if yer cravin the brown sauce, lemme eat some tacos from the truck and I’ll be over quicker than u can say lickity shitz.

• Reason #45512315 thousand thousand why our MTV Awards show blows goats and theirs doesn’t

• Every time I fly JetBlue (all of two times), for some reason I can’t stop watching the Game Show Network. Last time I viddied The Family Feud and this last go around it was all about the Tom Bergeron hosted version of Hollywood Squares. While I was in the process of slitting my eyes out, I kept wondering to myself, razor blade in hand, whatever happened to John Davidson and that killer hair? Luckily I’m an avid reader YCMIU, who’s always 4 steps ahead me.

• HRT the IV plans on penning a a sex guide book (I may write the foreword… or the index). And if you find that thought repulsive, try imagining Sarah Jessica Parker’s clown/horse face while having sex with Brian Peppers… who may actually be more attractive.

• Pay the man, Shirley

• Attack of the killer zzzzzzzs

• Apparently no one is safe from growing up awkward in the world of Harry Pothead. Not even everyone’s favorite twins, no, not those Aryan Nazi kids, but Fred and George Weasley!

If these films were made in the mid 80s, Jeremy Miller would’ve been the Marlon Brando of the group. [more Potter pics]

• Wait til Fred hears about this! Yabba dabbo BOOOOOOO!!!

• I’m thinking about seeing the Ladytron DJs (Reuben Wu and Mira Aroyo) at Rothko in early November. Can anyone tell me if its a thing mary worth thingining?

• The 100 Oldest Currently Registered .com Domains [via Hairy Cubes]

• I’m all for a future where boobs store mp3s

• San Francisco in Jell-O

• Is Adolph Blaine Charles David Earl Frederick Gerald Hubert Irvin John Kenneth Lloyd Martin Nero Oliver Paul Quincy Randolph Sherman Thomas Uncas Victor William Xerxes Yancy Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorffwelchevoralternwarengewissenschaftschafe rswessenschafewarenwohlgepflegeundsorgfaltigkeitbeschutzenvonangreifeudurch ihrraubgierigfeindewelchevoralternzwolftausendjahresvorandieerscheinenersch einenvanderersteerdemenschderraumschiffgebrauchlichtalsseinursprungvonkraft gestartseinlangefahrthinzwischensternaitigraumaufdersuchenachdiesternwelche gehabtbewohnbarplanetenkreisedrehensichundwohinderneurassevonverstandigmens chlichkeitkonntefortpflanzenundsicherfeuenanlebenslanglichfreudeundruhemitn icheinfurchtvorangreifenvonandererintelligentgeschopfsvonhinzwischenternart Zeus igraum Senior the new John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, or is it the other way around?

• Wax On, Wax Hoff [via Pakulashaker]

• And lastly, but not leastly, we bid much adieu (a ‘peace the spork’ is kinda rude here) to the great, great, great, great, great, great, Rosa Parks. She hated standing (right Cedric?), she hated Outkast, she probably loved Olney, MD (home of Hofpenis and Guns n Rosenthal), and apparently, she appeared in an episode of Touched by an Angel. I mean, what else is there to say, cept thanks for making a stand… by sitting, which is what our country does best.

1913-2005

BILL GATES ADMITS TO
BEATING OFF TO CUTHBEST

Well, sort of
[via Takin It In The Kanner]
…I guess he moved on after trying to feed Mischa

• I want to live in a country where HRT the IV’s new do is national news… or in a country where pot costs as much as stroopwaffles

• Since David Copperfield can’t seem to get laid anymore, he’s going to impregnate ladies the only way he knows how…

• 2nd helpings of Dangerdoom are on the way, along with a tour with the Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Space Ghost in full costume. No word on if it will be a coast to coast kinda thang.

• Blur’s going to drop their new adventures in lo-fi by year’s end. Graham Coxon still missing in action. Thigh Master still drooling. Damon Albarn’s voice is 2nd best to Alba’s a$$

• Orlando Snooze, back where he belongs, in any pre-industrial revolution era

• Mark my words, Ariel Gade is the next Dakota Fanning. And as well all know, that can mean only one thing.

• While some of us love Rachael Ray and her big mouth, others do not. Either way, lettuce all make peace and grease ourselves up looking at her FHM spread for the 4 thousand thousandth time. [via Laing Sack of Shiiiiiiiit]

• Help the Redskins help breasts. Too bad they were never able to help their own biggest boob, Heath Shuler.

• The Music Video Database. Cause how else are we gonna figure out that Lethal Weapon kingpin Richard Donner directed Cyndi Lauper’s ‘The Goonies R Good Enough’ thumcredible video, which features the likes of Rowdy Roddy Piper, Nikolai Volkov, the Iron Sheik, and of course Cpt Lou Albano?

• Remember Ross? I don’t either, but he’s currently co-starring in Bayside! The Un-musical!. Some say 2nd best use of $5 since offering the same amount to Jimmy Smits for bless my sister’s wedding.

• Do you Netflix it up? If so, send me your email addy and we can become Netflix pals. Cause I know yer dying to know how many stars I gave Apt Pupil and Freddy Got Fingered

• Free passes to Ryan Reynolds Is Fat & Unfunny, And Then Skinny & Unfunny + Richard Gere Gets Off On Spelling

• What’s the story morning horny with the 13th floors of buildings? And what’s the story with Gretchen Mol’s career post Thirteenth Floor? [via Johnny Dollar Bill]

• This priest is right at holmes when it comes to homo bashing [audio] . I think he’s a lil insane in my behind’s membranes. [via Ceffle]

• And blessed be photog Karina Taira, who combined the beauty of HFutureRT Camilla Belle and the neo-hipness of every chick you’ve ever seen on the Cobra Snake!!!

Big ups to Barbara Broccoli (the world’s mos edible producer) for choosing Daniel Craig as the next Bond. Although Clive Owen woulda been better suited, it’s still a solid choice. Not sold on DC? Netflix Layer Cake and then try to talk smack. By the gay, I think we have the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Can you say Gold Bond pitchman???

Big ups to the siblings Friedberger for leaving their gravel-throated Granny at home when they stopped by NYC’s Town Hall this past Friday. Their soon to be released family affair LP Rehearsing My Choir is one of the mos difficult listens of the year, but with Nana walking her walker elsewhere, all dem songs shined more than a shoe-shiner watching The Shining in 30 seconds, with bunnies! And although it was the 5th time I saw the crew, it was the 1st time I had peeped em without their usual spex-tacular touring mates Toshi Yano and drummer Andy Knowles (who was stolen by Eleanor’s boyfriend’s little known group, The Archdukes). While two new fellas filled the vacancies nicely, the show reached its true apex during the encore when they both took a rest, and let El and Matt duo it up for a few songs. I’d like to see them do that a lil more often on future tours, so I can actually hear her voice, and figure out what song they’re playing, instead of playing Su-Doku with their back catalog. And while we’re making requests, I’d like to have Matt’s hair…

Big ups to Gaius Julius for sticking his needle into Cleopatra, who has the face of the Go-Gos Jane Wiedlin, and the body of Pretty Baby Brooke Shields [NSFPlanetEarth]. Hopefully she tossed Caesar’s salad as a gift to the gawds after coitus. Somewhere Maude Lebowski is smiling, and somewhere someone wants to hear this cover version of ‘Walk Like An Egyptian’ [d-lode]. What sez you o’ great man of the Julii who hath inspired my hairdo?

Big downs to the Cleveland Browns, but big ups to Eva Mendes’ cleavage!

• Peace the fork out former behated Hoosier and Ray Brower (the dead dude in Stand By Me) lookalike Jason Collier

• tATu Threaten To Murder Charlotte Church… wish that read tATu Threaten To Have Fake Lesbian Sex With Charlotte Church

• Everybody’s Got Their Gayness to Hide Except for Me & My Monkey

• Ron Livingston’s engagement to Lisa Sheridan can only mean one thing… INVASION

• Defiance, OH

• One of these is not like the other: Sasha Cohen, Sacha Cohen, and Sacha Baron Cohen

• While we await the Minnesota Viking Sex Boat Playset, lettuce play with the Love Boat version

• What’s at the center of the earth?… besides Hans Moleman and the molepeople

• Fantasy Football, circa 1998, when people like Carl Pickens, Elvis Grbac, and Amp Lee were the bees’ fleas

• If Sharapova got a sex change and I decided to let her back into my pants, I guess you’d call it The Trans-Siberian Railway. That was kinda stoopid, but I needed to write something before posting this pic of HFRT the IIIrd…

• And I don’t think any words are necessary when posting a snappage of HFRT the IInd playing water polo…