Thighs Wide Shut

So now that the one of the breastest shows of all thymes, Six Feet Under, is coming to an end, will there be life after death? Well I have one restupidilous idea floating around my toilet bowl of a head…

(eggscuse crappy mock-up, I’m using Microsoft Paint)
It’ll be juss like the Herbie movie, cept this red-head is hactually more bangable now than Lohagski, and we’d actually love to see this car ressucrrected like Tupac!! Maybe we can even get Kevin Dillon to replace his brother as the evil guy. If not, Corey D will do.

• HRT the IIIrd is set to become the Queen of Tennis the XVth. There hasn’t been this much uniting of kingdoms since… er, uh, um, THE UNITED KINGDOM!!

• Peace the pork out Norma Jennings‘ slimy step-pa, Ernie ‘The Professor’ Niles

• Don’t worry, I’m happy!

• Boobalicious Brit asks CC to sing at her wedding

• Timeline: Blur v Oasis after Britpop

• Tickle me jealous: this guy got paid $1.85 per hour watch A Clockwork Orange a total of 62 times

• Whatever became of acid rain?

• Walken For Prez [via Shoppe]

• Robocat [via Dr Falada via Engadget]

• I’m in VT licking maple syrup for the next week or so, so posting my be a lil lighter than Al Leiter’s loafers. In the meantime…

Although the exact date is Augusto 22nd, the Family Thighmaster celebrated in lavish style the 40th Annie Verse Airy of our Toni Morrison Beloveded rents this past weekend. And by linda lavish, I mean a non-stop eating egggstravganza (Popeyes AND sadly KFC at Pa’s request, salami and eggs, cheesecake, steaks, movie popcorn, pork chops, more salami, Laffy Taffy, olives, etc), topped off with a performance by our next door neighbor the Dink, some frisbeeingness, row boating, more eating, and the sirprize that would make any parents love their children that much more: watching 8mm videos from the late 60s to the early 80s on a deluxe edition 2-DVD set created (or authored, as we say in the industry that unemployed me) by yers drooly, complete with cheesy music that only my mum would love (John Fogerty, Tom Petty, Kool and the Gang, Frankie Valli, and Cat Stevens… although Mum admitted she can’t stand him… muss be the Yusef Islam shiz bugging her). It was so franztastic to spend the whole weekend wit em, and hear for the 49214956767890th time how they met and fell in love. But all that really matters is that they had sex and created such thumrcredible things, like my siblings, meself, and squash souffle. Ma and Pa, you are the most important, giving, loving, genuine, chillarious, honest, phun, and beautiful twosome I know. Don’t ever change, don’t ever get divorced, and don’t you EVER never never ever die. I’ve already got a spot for you both in a frozen six-pack alongside Walt Disney, Ted Williams, and two boxes of Gorton’s fish sticks.

• Whatta twosome part twosome: Stan Lee & The Best Albino

• Whatta twosome part threesome: Courtney Love & Steve Coogan, are they or aren’t they? Doesn’t take much to see that the realtionship of two little people don’t amount to a hill of Francis beans in this crazy world.

• Related: Weird Names of Music Performer’s Children

• Whattta boresome part onesome: ZzzzZzzz and Zzzzzzzzz go zzzzzing, again

• Whatta more gruesome twosome than Ozzie Newsome and Ozzie Smith: Lohag the I Wurstest I and the answer to the age fold question, what’s got two thumbs and likes to f*ck?, this guy

• Whatta jizzum from a twosome part sweet16teensome: Here/hear t.A.T.u.’s latest jingle ‘All About Us‘. At first it kind o’ sucks wurse than Necco wafers, then when you hear it 7teen more times and the next thing you know, your pants are magically around your ankles. But where’s the Russian-language version that I’m sure sounds much more faux-lesbionic? [via Fid Diddler]

• Casey Affleck turns 30, pees

• Pinder [kinda NSFW] + whatever Celebrity Love Island is = where’s the first boat to whatever Celebrity Love Island is?!

• Me need this. Anyone know where on interwebs one could such interwebbedsthisness?

• The Dandies play CBGB’s Zeptember 14th as a part of CMJ. Think Anton Newcombe will be there? Not even if they were the last Dandies on earth! [via Veggie Boy]

• Travis wants to know what a ‘Wonderwall’ is anyway, but they needn’t bother asking Noel

• Don’t flatter yerself Marky Mark, cause I’m sure Kubrick would rather work with Anthony Michael Hall than you.

• Madness let their roots grow on their new shiz, The Dangermen Sessions Volume One, available in stores Tuesday. So when be US tour??#!??E~#

• Blur – ‘ This Is A Low’ [d-lode]

• North Cacalackers pray for Charlotte Church… maybe cause she’s so G-A-Y

• Peep pics of me and various other peepholes standing in line to see a FREE screening of Stealth. You’ll notice I was all smiles BEFORE I saw the movie. Then…

• Feeping of, free tix for NYCBOSDCCHIers to re-see Master & Commander this week

• See cat jump

• What’s the 36th result when searching for an image of ‘thighs’? The corniest snap you ever did see!

• Why do sitcoms have laugh tracks?

• The guy who invented CTRL-ALT-DEL SPEAKS!! [via Vie King]

• Man’s Testicles Snared In A Padlock For Two Weeks [via Ceffle]

• And recently I Netflixed the brills 9 Academy Award nominated Sydney Pollack joint, They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? It’s about a depression era dance marathon endurance contest, where peoples were so fargin poor that they’d actually endure 40+ days of dancing/slowly moving (with lil to no rest) just to win a couple thous. Some contestants would go insane or literally drop dead. And the mos chilling part of it all is that it really farging happened [a great read for the shitter]! Anywho, the flick starred Jane Fonda, some fella named Gig Young (who won the only statue for Best Supporting Actor), Red Buttons, Bruce Dern, Susannah York, Grampa Al Lewis, and a quite young and fetching Bonnie Bedelia (althoughski her character was preggers and always in pain). I hadn’t thought much of Double B since her days as Holly Gennero McClane, but was purty darn glad to have my memory refreshed (CTRL-‘R’) by her subtle hotness in this fyne piece o’ cinema. Of course the next stop down any memory lane requires a bit of intersleuthing. The results weren’t as grand as I had hoped, but finding some les ghetto olde nakkid snaps of her was mos certainly not a bad thing. I couldn’t find a pictogram of her from Horses, but here’s a nice lil one of her looking as sassssy as ever! MeOWlia Bedelia!!

• Do I think that Junior Senior is dynamite? Yes, and I think they’re outta sight, as well. Sure, they name check themselves more than Ice-T’s rock outfit Body Count did, but after catching their blitzkrieg of toe-tappin’n, head-bobbin’n, and outrageous funin’n at the Mercury Lounge last night, I’m ready to elevate these crizz-azzy-arsed Danes into my inner circle of most flavorite current bands (alongside Air, Blur, Fiery Furnaces, and LCD Soundsystem R.E.M.). As usual, I was late to the party with these bob fellers. I had heard the awesomeness of ‘Move Your Feet‘ [d-lode], but had no idea who the fork sang it til I saw their debut, D-D-Don’t Don’t Stop the Beat, grace Ms Mod’s Best of ’03 list. Since I trust her more than internets inventors, duhvs course I was gonna buy the dang thing and fall in love with it instantly, like when I first eyed dearest Cuthbest, who was playing chess with her father Jack, sometime between 12:00 A.M.-1:00 A.M.. Moral of that aside? Buy the album and shake yer friggin coconuts. Wrap-up of the show? The sound board dude refused to give me the set list, but they played 4 new songs, which all sound like good things to come. Plus, Senior (the Senior of Junior Senior) could be the coolest guy on earth. He looks like the love child of Josh Homme, D-Day from Animal House, and Rip Taylor, AND has more energy than Howlin’ Pelle Almqvist AND ConEd combined. These guys are so fun in concert that if I had a son and he was 13, they’d be playing his Bar Mitzvah. It would make for a night more dynamite than this so-called ‘Junior Senior Dynamite Nite’‘.

• Another sign football is round the corner: bore-fessional basketball’s season is over.

• a-ha to play its first US show since ROCKTOBER OF ’86!!! The lucky place? Irving Platz, in NYCyou there! The better play a 90-minute version of ‘Take On Me’.

• Zissou crewman, Bowie enthusiast, and all-around knockout, Seu Jorge returns to America this Zeptember for a lil tourski. He’ll chip in 2 shows at Bowery Bestroom. [via Aeki T]

• Trend of the week: overeggsposed young hotties’ uncles. They should count their lucky stars their uncles aint wicked.

• Lohag removed from Herbie posters. Now if we could only wave the magic wand and remove her from the media spotlight.

• Here’s a teaser for premiere of the King Kong trailer.

• Terrible: Land of the Dead review, by Gene Siskel [scroll down a bit]

• One man’s search for Kubrick’s Overlook Hotel [via 5 Things via Double Vikers]

• ‘Antonio said I looked like a monster.’

• Seen Bandwagon Boy’s Friendster profile? Probably not since me and my man Marv make up 25% of his friends.

• The 00s are a lot like the 70s, cept people were more nekkid, more famous, and more hairier back then. [ideas and links via Veganese]

• And we’ll spank it like it was 1979

• Is it me, or is Chris Evans wearing novelty glasses?

• And what’s all this buzz I hear about DiCaprio taking over for Arnie in Terminator 4? Maybe this time around he’ll kill Claire Danes instead of henry kissing her.

Here be some snaps from last nite’s Freedom From JapanaPorn Fest. I have no idea who most of these people below are, but they were very willing to pose for a photo. [Note to self: figure out how to turn on that anti-redeye feature]

• ‘You will never see me in a nude scene,’ stated Her Former Royal Thighness the I. ‘Then there’s no mystery for my private life.’ First of all, her boobs have disappeared, so there’s no loss there. Second of all, what’s the mystery? Kids probably know about her than they do about Amelia Earhart. Bi they gay, how is it possible that there’s an ‘official’ Amelia Earhart website?

• Meanwhile, Bad Girls author Alex McAulay waxes bout the prospects of Lohag & Duffdiver starring in the movie adaptation.

• Blur suing each other?

• From Popbitch: Noel Gallagher was interviewed by David Walliams in the Observer last weekend, and told a classic story. Liam, apparently, was a huge fan of Spinal Tap. But he thought they were a real band. He was horrified to discover the same actors performing as A Mighty Wind at Carnegie Hall a few years back and, when Noel told him the bad news, shouted “I’m not ‘avin’ that”, and stormed off. And has never watched the film again. And spank the lord they finally played MSG last nite, cause I was gonna jump outta window if I had to read one more stankin article talkin bout how they sold out the place in minutes.

• Stewart Copeland Foos it up

• Mandy Moore to be inducted into the National Lacrosse Hall of Fame!

• Remember the search engine Excite.com? Neither did I til I read this.

• Don Malkemes furthers goal of ‘humping’ actress Kelly MacDonald. Great, but who’s Don Malkemes? UK’s answer to Stephen Malkmus?

• If one person yawns, why does everyone else in the room want to yawn? Related: somebody please stuff her mouth

• Just what I needed: a female Japanese android that wears gloves [via JINR]

• Who has the world’s greatest 404 Error: Page not found? The Sugar Daddy, Mr Poon

• Don’t pass up the chance again to own yer own Freezy Freakies

• Photos of an unknown family who probably owned a liquor store

• Rock, Paper, Saddam! [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Yer YTMDawgnesses of the day: although Grambs hit the mark by matching Racist killer Killen with Uncle Jr, how bout Killen and the Six Flags guy? Or juss for shiz and giggles, a lame Cuthbert & Vader one AND Baloo Jizzes on Tom Cruise, which I could watch for 3 hrs straight… or would that be 3 hrs gay?

• No perspiration this time from Ms Pinder, but still plenty of yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yummy yamness to go round!! OMLORD, I may have to bypass all other Her Royal Thighness the III candidates and juss elect her two redonk bazoombies to the bone throne!!! [most are kinda NSFW]

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• Me thinks me teachers (pre-school thru IU) were on to something when the forced me to read books. I was never much of a reader (all free time was reserved for Nintendo, bags of Utz, and masuerbatin), and most of the time, the assignments were tres torturous (Mark Twain, Maya Angelou, and the mc-bane of my eggsistance, Johnny Tremain), but there were always dustin diamonds in the rough. For had it not been for them and their curriculums, Orwell’s 1984 and Ellison’s Invisible Man (which I 1st thought was about a professor turning himself invisible) may have never graced my list of all thyme besteteses bookages (next to Sendak’s Chicken Soup with Rice). Once the edu-ma-cation ended, I was left to my own (sexual torture) devices to figure out what kind of books I would be reading for the rest of my daze. After a few missteps, I’ve finally fingered out what words whet my eyeballs: books that became great movies, anything about a future dystopian society, and Kurt Vonnegut(witcha). Everything else I’ve peeped in between has been decent, but nothing too memorable. That is until, duhvs course, I read John Kennedy Toole’s UNRELIEVABLE novel to end all novels, A Confederacy of Dunces. I’m no literary textpert folks, but I’d say if you dig the alienation of Salinger and whimsy of Vonnegut, you’ll find yerself in good hands here with Toole’s prose. If I had a pen on me whilst turning the pages, I probably would have written ‘LOL’ all over my body 14 times over. Our protagonist and savior of the 20th century, Ignatius J Reilly was rated the 17th bestest character in fiction, but in my humble mumbler opinion, the brother is #1. Maybe cause I see a lot of myself in him. Cept I change my bedsheets and I’d never read philosophy. So if you haven’t had the pleasure of thumbing thru the pages, I’m truly, madly, deeply jealous of you. I wish I could read it again for the 1st time, but without some shock-therapy and a time machine, this is more of an impossibility than Oprah going off the air. My only wish is that they never make ‘an abortion’ of a movie from this fine work. I juss wouldn’t want anything to tarnish my newfoundland love for something that culminates with the final word ‘mustache’. Effin brills.

• White Stripes, as eggspected, expanded their upcoming tour. They, along with the Shins & Brendan Benson, will hit up Coney Island’s killer Cyclone Park on Zeptember 24 & 25. Which puts me in a pickle: dem shows or Austin City Limits? I know it sounds like a no brainer, but like Pops, gotta have my Stripes.

• The shark has been jumped, EW has a blog. Please head for the shores.

• Supergrass will drop their 5th joint, Road to Rouen, this August. While we wait, here’s a nifty Micky Quinn ani gif.

• A Da Vinci masterpiece once was lost, but now it’s found. [via Synapage]

• Eleanor’s dog once was lost, but now he’s found.

• If Jason Mulgrew is the most eligible bachelor in the blogosphere, what does that make me?

• Lohag sports the ‘Hungry Like A Wolf’ look for her b-day party.

• Lodes of free summer flicks for Bostonians

• I can’t decide who’d I rather bone

• What’s that flying from Paris’ pants?

• Michael Jackson’s trail woulda been a lot cooler if it ended like this

• Always late to the party, but anywho: watch Tom Cruise get jizzed on [totally SFW]

• But did u know that Tom killed Oprah? [b-ware of sound]

• Batman peoples, if you ever think of including Harley Quinn in a future flick, may I recommend Ms. Bellucci and her two amici…

And if anyone needs something to decorate their bed, may I recommend this. [kinda NSFW, all for Tom Wellington]