Thighs Wide Shut

So hows comes we’ves nevers seens Sarah Jessica Parkers & Mitch from Real Genius in the same bat room, at the same bat time?

You mean joe greene to tell me that telegrams hadn’t already gone the way of funny American sitcoms? And that Falkor’s sister isn’t already a US citizen? Shiz is gonna be a tuff task considering Fantasia is apart of the Axis of Evil.

A Gorillaz/Madonna penta-et (that’s like a duet, but for 5) will open the Grammys with 7 minutes of bang, and then the rest of the show will be 203 minutes of whimper. And why can’t we let Borat [vid] host everything?

Freaking of Borat Sagdiyev, sucks to be the British ambassador to Kazakhstan right about now, hispecially when you have to defend his humoristic merits of British racism to the people being racilisted against

Breastest home video news, until the announcement of the Twin Peaks season 2 discs: two-disc special editions HD DVD AND standard DVD releases Clockwork Orange, The Shining, 2001: Space Odyssey and an UN CUT VERSION of Eyes Wide Shut will be released later this year. Dats the news Ebert‘s been waiting ages for, for he’s been love jonezin for that lost ark of beatoff matz [source]

Jodie Sweetin a Meth addict? I guess someone had to buy Tical 2000 : Judgement Day [via Syntacular]

Reservations. Candlelight. Table Side Service. Valentine’s Day. White Castle?!?!!? Mankind has just jumped the shark… and I’ll see there! [via BRAWNY IFOCE FUTURE SUPER CHAMPION MAN]

You my friend, is no Alfred Hitchcock, and you my Malkovich aint no Kubrick, and Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy.

Lindsay Lohan’s Lost Diary, is nothing but 347299553 pages about her being coo-coo for my huge-huge co-cock. Lettuce hope it does see the light of day, but not starring Michael J Fox or Joan Jett [via Navi the Elbirret]

Belated conflatulations to the mother of my children for her Outstanding Choreography nomination for work on a local ghetro production of Kiss of the Spider Woman [source]

MoMA’s gonna be a SCREAM come late Feb when there’s MUNCH to do about nothing

Gnarls Barkley

The commercial is still MIA, but Jhoon Rhee still fights for right. And for all the lizadies out there, this stud’s for you

[via SkunkI via the Dollar]
DAVE KRIEG RULES… in the fumbles department!! Ah, to be a Bears fan in ’96, when DK was kickin it and fumble apprentice Rashaan Salaam was his RB

AAAAAAAAaaa rrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnhhhh, HHHurrRRRRRRRRnhhhh. UUUHHHGGG-rrrr! UUUHHHGGG-rrrrRRR! UUUHHHGGG-rrrrRRR! HHHurrRRRRRRRRnhhhh. AAAAAAAAaaa rrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnhhhh!

I’m an XL and my addy is:

Thigh Master
c/o Amblin Entertainment
123 Anywhere St
Thighland, Thailand Killah Hills 10304

Somesbody please take a thing and get Sean Paul’s ‘We Be Burnin’ [d-lode] straight outta my head and into my car a jar

Cool is having you sitting on my face

Awesome is when your TV sister is giving me a mustache ride… in 3+ years time

Something not to poop on: Triumph The Insult Comic Moonlighting As TV Weatherman In Hawaii

Is the saying “Beer before liquor, never sicker, liquor before beer, never fear” physiologically accurate?

Fender to Kitty, ‘Hello!’

Wolf Howl Animal Peserve’s Wolf T Shirt Long Sleeve [via Kruisemanko]

IFILM’s Viral Video’s Best of 2005’s

Thighs wide Shut

I guess I can scratch this one off for Hot Cross Buns Friday: 57 Hines Ward

Bad Candy AND Bad-Candy AND Bad Video Game Covers [via Tededore | Data Que?]

And I’ve got my mind set on [aud] replacing Coyle (the soon to be William Henry Harrison of her Her Royal Thighnesses)

But I’ve also got my mind on the Shroud of Torino Winter Olympiad, where I predict that

Michael Essany
&
Meathead’s
cousin
Jan Michaelis

is an 8pt favorite
to becoming the
2nd becoming of
Simon Ammann
Swiss Ski Jumper Hero of Swissland
(but not to be confused with Swaziland)
of the Salt Lake Games
who had the single grate-ist
celebration
of
balls
time

YA GOLD!!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
!!!

[watch the vid
2mins 40secs in
for all that jazz]

PEE ES – this FRIDAY at 11:59 PM IS THE HAPSOLUTELYE FINAL DAY TO SEND IN SUBMISSIONS for the Cornme in History Photochop super contest!!! Monday all entries (all 7 of them) will be posted and you will vote for who is supreme over-underlord, to me, Supreme Adobe Photoshop Commanding Vice Lord General Madine! Here’s an eggsample that I masterfullofitly did for you to choke on my genus bitches!!

go gettum gumshoes!!

and THIS JUST IN
although a day late
[via Metz]

o’ Nancy, u are so O’Best, so O’Brills, so Oh-some!!
O’y vey is the old new O-tay?

Coachella or
Bonnaroo or
Palooza
or Vans Warped Tour?
Hmmmmmmmm…

This year’s nominees have about as much buzz as Buzz Aldrin headlining this year’s Coachella, aka Zzzzzzzzzzzzz to the nth degree deodorant. But I’ll hold off on the major griping until Walk The Line walks away with anything (can you say 3rd rate La Bamba?). Lettuce juss hope that at this year’s awards, even though the gays will have their day, that boobs will reign supreme!!! And like last year, after taking a super qwik glance at the noms, here are my predications for who WILL win, not SHOULD win (eggscuse my lack of italics):

Best Picture
Brokeback Mountain
Capote
Crash
Good Night, and Good Luck
Munich

WINNER: Humpmyback Mt

Actor
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
Terrence Howard, Hustle & Flow
Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain
Joaquin Phoenix, Walk the Line
David Strathairn, Good Night, and Good Luck.

WINNER: Scotty J from Boogie Nights, for being gay again!

Actress
Judi Dench, Mrs. Henderson Presents
Felicity Huffman, Transamerica
Keira Knightley, Pride & Prejudice
Charlize Theron, North Country
Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line

WINNER: the woman who looks like a man who played a man trying to be a woman

Supporting Actor
George Clooney, Syriana
Matt Dillon, Crash
Paul Giamatti, Cinderella Man
Jake Gyllenhaal, Brokeback Mountain
William Hurt, A History of Violence

WINNER: Cpt Neckbeard (Cloo-less), since he won’t win in the other 2 cats he’s nominated in

Supporting Actress
Amy Adams, Junebug
Catherine Keener, Capote
Frances McDormand, North Country
Rachel Weisz, The Constant Gardener
Michelle Williams, Brokeback Mountain

WINNER: you choose Weiszzzz-ly, although I wouldn’t bee sirprized if Amy Adams won

Director
Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain
Bennett Miller, Capote
Paul Haggis, Crash
George Clooney, Good Night, and Good Luck
Steven Spielberg, Munich

WINNER: Ang Lee, in a make-up call for The Hulk

Foreign Film
Don’t Tell, Italy
Joyeux Noel, France
Paradise Now, Palestine
Sophie Scholl — The Final Days, Germany
Tsotsi, South Africa.

WINNER: Paradise Now, although Tsotsi is the new Yahtzee

Adapted Screenplay
Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana, Brokeback Mountain
Dan Futterman, Capote
Jeffrey Caine, The Constant Gardener
Josh Olson, A History of Violence
Tony Kushner and Eric Roth, Munich

WINNER: Tight Jeans, Thight Ass In Mts

Original Screenplay
Paul Haggis and Bobby Moresco, Crash
George Clooney and Grant Heslov, Good Night, and Good Luck
Woody Allen, Match Point
Noah Baumbach, The Squid and the Whale
Stephen Gaghan, Syriana

WINNER: this is udder BS, since Gaghan shoulda got an adapted s-play nom, not an og nom, but I still hold out hope for Squid & The Whale

Animated Feature Film
Howl’s Moving Castle
Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride
Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit.

WINNER: who cares, but Howl

Art Direction
Good Night, and Good Luck
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
King Kong
Memoirs of a Geisha
Pride & Prejudice.

WINNER: Good Night and Zzzzzz

Cinematography
Batman Begins
Brokeback Mountain
Good Night, and Good Luck
Memoirs of a Geisha
The New World.

WINNER: Heath Ledger Loves Man Ass!!

Sound Mixing
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
King Kong
Memoirs of a Geisha
Walk the Line
War of the Worlds

WINNER: Kong

Sound Editing
King Kong
Memoirs of a Geisha
War of the Worlds

WINNER: Dakota Fanning Is Scared: THE MOVIE

Original Score
Brokeback Mountain, Gustavo Santaolalla
The Constant Gardener, Alberto Iglesias
Memoirs of a Geisha, John Williams
Munich, John Williams
Pride & Prejudice, Dario Marianelli.

WINNER: the dude who came up with that hot arsed ‘Wings’ tune for the gay stuff

Original Song
In the Deep from Crash, Kathleen Bird York and Michael Becker
It’s Hard out Here for a Pimp from Hustle & Flow Jordan Houston, Cedric Coleman and Paul Beauregard
Travelin’ Thru from Transamerica, Dolly Parton.

WINNER: ya gotta be kidding me that the Pimp song got a nod!!!! Boobs Parton in a landslide

Costume
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Memoirs of a Geisha
Mrs. Henderson Presents
Pride & Prejudice
Walk the Line

WINNER: GAYsha

Documentary Feature
Darwin’s Nightmare
Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room
March of the Penguins
Murderball
Street Fight

WINNER: I think Penguins will be this year’s Super Size Me, read: BLAH. Either Enron or Murderball

Documentary (short subject)
The Death of Kevin Carter: Casualty of the Bang Bang Club
God Sleeps in Rwanda
The Mushroom Club
A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin.

WINNER: Gawd sleeps at the Ramada hotel in Rwanda

Film Editing
Cinderella Man
The Constant Gardener
Crash
Munich
Walk the Line

WINNER: Jews Kill: THE MOVIE

Makeup
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
Cinderella Man
Star Wars: Episode III — Revenge of the Sith

WINNER: the one with the Jesus lion

Animated Short Film
Badgered
The Moon and the Son: An Imagined Conversation
The Mysterious Geographic Explorations of Jasper Morello
9
One Man Band.

WINNER: Jasper, DUHVS!!

Live Action Short Film
Ausreisser (The Runaway)
Cashback
The Last Farm
Our Time Is Up
Six Shooter

WINNER: Ausererioeooerrss

Visual Effects
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
King Kong
War of the Worlds

WINNER: Dong

Academy Award winners previously announced this year:

Honorary Award (Oscar statuette)
Robert Altman

WINNER: ROBERT ALTMAN!!

The Gordon E. Sawyer award (Oscar statuette)
Gary Demos

WINNER: GARY US BONDS!!!

And although this has nothing to do with Oscars, PEACE THE FORK OUT Coretta Scott King!!

UPDATE:

Join Thighs’ Annual Oscar Pool!!
Group name: House of Wax Dat Ass
Password: neckbeard
$10 entry fee
Winner takes all
contact me for payment shazzle!!
(ps, my entry is ‘Syriana Hinds’)

Alright, first thing is f$%hing last [audio]

or I guess effin first!!!

Peace The
WTFork Out
CHRIS PENN

1962 – 2006
Who woulda thunk that an interview with the Brothers Nelson (Matthew & Gunnar) woulda been 7teen thymes more fascinating than watching It’s All Right Now: Rick Nelson, a doc about their father Rick rockin out at a Louisiana county fair, which was co-directed by the Hackman? NOT ME for one! That’s why seeing was bee-leaving lass noche at the s’wonderful Museum of TV & Radio Nelson love fest!! They’re my new mos favorite children of a rockstar!!! Take that Chastity Bono!! And the Bros Nelson did papa proud by playing three of his songs, ‘Travelin’ Man’, ‘Hello Mary Lou’, and ‘Garden Party’!!! Alas, there was no love for ‘(Can’t Live Without Your) Love And Affection’ or pink spandex, but then again, that was probably a good thing

After ages of being treated like a black man, like Principal Blackman, the Strangers Avec Dulce flick will FRYNALLY be released in June [via AmyS.com]

Who the spork even knew that Steven Nederbergh was married to Jules Asner in the 1st place? Or that Wes Bentley was alive? Or that the WB and UPN were channels? Unless of course you’re P-rican and already had 2 for the price of -1

Delicious DC dump hole Ben’s Chili Bowl avoids the 2nd Ave Deli chop, and live(r)s [via Brawny Man]

Free passes to see Final Destination 3… put feel free to pass on it

Play Dark Tower onlines!! It was tHE single Gr8tits board game of balls time that was kinda like a video game, but not as les ghetto as those Nintendo Game & Watch thingies. I actually own a tower cause my friend Thighsbart owed me a lot of money and never had any to give, so we gots all guild like, like wees were living in Bartertown with MasterBlaster and Tina with those hair ear thingies!!

Howdy Doody’s Do’s and Don’ts [MF Temple of DOOM!]

Spaloo [via WoMannes]

And since I’m the Thigh Master, and since I love to eat fries, and since you love me to master thighs, and you love me eating since fries, hispecially Andy Capp’s HOT FRIES, and der BeethovenFries, AND CORN, while not listening to Korn, I’ve decided to bend my cock like Beckham and kkick KK the HRT the V outta the kkastle!! DATS RIGHT Y’ALL! For NO reason tat all!! Not even for her non-eggsisting TATs!!! Or the fact she got a tat on her p’nanny that sez Thigh Master & Rory O’Shea weres here!! Or the fact that she dumps so sassily!!! Or that she is going to star in 3 pirate movies with Orlando Snooze that don’t involve butt pirating, or the Pittsburgh Pirates, or Rollie Finger’s stache, or a mustache ride from the Pringles guy, or an ode to Mindy Cohn!! BAGELS and Shmears!!! So give it up for no reason at all to the girl I juss spotted dick on MRP…

NADINE ELIZABETH
LOUISE COYLE
aka
Her Royal Thighness
The VI Warshawski
who?

of
Girls Aloud
huh?
I DON’T KNOW EITHER!!!
but like Skinner said
1nce Bitten, 4eva smitten
and since
Martine McClutcheonmycock
hasn’t done ANYTHING
since Love Actually
I had to go with
Siress Arthur Love Her
Cans In My Doily Coyle!!
(no relation to Air Coryell)
I give her 2 weeks tops!! Or she’ll have to lose her top, or box set collection of 1985’s Topps’ Traded Series. Not happy walters with this choice? Then photoshop my effin corn head already, in HISTORY!!!! (the submissions have been so fab that we’re extending the contest another weak!!)

Top TENenbaums
But We Does
A Dirty Dozen
This Year

1) Munich
2) The Squid and The Whale
3) Crash
4) Everything Is Illuminated
5) Crónicas
6) Mysterious Skin
7) Enron: The Smartest Guys In The Room
8) Me and You and Everyone We Know
9) Brokeback Mountain
10) Dear Frankie
11) Match Point
12) The Island

Many A Honor Blackmanable Mentions: Downfall, North Country, Constant Gardner, Paradise Now, Ballad of Jack and Rose, Bee Season, Sin City, Junebug, Cinderella Man, Breakfast on Pluto, Pride & Prejudice, 2046, and My Summer of Love

Mooovies I Really Wanted To See But Never Did: Dark Water, Kingdom of Heaven, Lord of War, The Weather Man, The New World (it was out in 2005 for 2 seconds), and The Legend of Zorro (regardless of how bad they say it is)

2nd Annual
Thighs Wide
Movie Awards

They Coulda Been A Contender

Walk The Line
Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy
The Interpreter
The Brothers Grimm

Bestest Quote

Jack Twist: [referring to Ennis] I wish I knew how to quit you.

Wurstest Quote

Darth: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
[YTMND: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, & 7]

M Night Shamalamadingdong’s
BratWurstest Twist of The Year

[GIFt via XANA Claus]

The Woman Being Chased By The Killer
IS THE KILLER
in
Haute Tension
i guess i didnt review it,
oh well!

Guiltiest Pleasures Starring HRTnesses
That Made Me Pleasures Myself
Guiltily

Domino & House of Wax

World’s Mos Pointless Movie About Sewing That I Forced Myself To Watch Only Cause My Parents Paid For My Admission

Sequins

Funniest Movie of the Year

n/a

Better Luck Next Year!!

CGI That Binks Stinks
Wurser Than Jar Jar

General Grievous
& his über annoying nagging cough

Tatum O’Neal
Youngin Bestness Award

Flora Cross & Georgie Henley

Mos Thumbcredibly Beautiful
Yet Confusing Movie
About A Year Since
2001

2046

Replacer of Carrot Top
As Chief of Box Office Poison

Eugene Levy
as seen in
The Man
Cheaper The Dozen 2
& the straight to video American Pie: Band Camp

Bestest Impression of a
Wes Anderson Soundtrack
From A Movie
Produced By
Wes Anderson

‘Family Conference’ [d-lode]
by Dean Wareham & Britta Phillips

BratWurstest 20 Minutes
of A Speilbergo Movie Ever

Andy Dufresne
in War of The Worlds

Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Romola Garai
Haguy Wigdor
& Skandar Keynes

Trailers That Got Me
Mo Jazzed Than Jazzercise

Narnia (teaser)
Sin City (trailer 1)
Domino
War of the Worlds
Ths Island

Songs From Trailers
That Make Me Want To Smoke
Bongs With Norman Mailer

‘Changes’ [d-lode]
by 2PAC
from Coach Carter trailer

‘The Wings’ [d-lode + remix]
by Gustavo Santaolalla
from Brokeback Mountain trailer

‘Jesus Walks’ [d-lode]
by Kanye West
from Jarhead teaser

‘Put A Spell On You’ [d-lode + more]
by Creedence
from The Ballad of Jack & Rose trailer

‘Nirvana’ [d-lode]
by El Bosco
from Millions trailer

‘God Moving Over The Face Of The Waters’ [d-lode]
by Moby
from Syriana trailer
& Heat, One Day In September, and the new Jack Bauer/Intel/Mac commerish

Hotness I Never Knew Eggsisted
But Spankfully Do Now

Camilla Belle
Carey Mulligan
& Nicole Vicius

The Gus van Sant
Most Pretentious/Wurstest Movie
That I Watched Wit Trent

A History of Violence

The Only Reason To See
Into The Blue

Alba’s Ass In Water

The Only Reason To See
The Fantastic Four

Alba’s Ass In Spandex

Not The Only Reason To See Sin City
But Should Be

Alba’s Ass In Leather
+ Lasso Goodness

Bestest Movies I Netflixed

Porniest Names
My Genius Brain Ponyed Up

On Your Knees Season
(Bee Season)
München Box
(Munich)
Scatman Crothers Begins To Jazz’s All Over Yer Momma’s Face
(Batman Begins)
My Elevated Shaft In Your Swallows
(Elevator To The Gallows)
A Hysterectomy of Violence
(A History of Violence)
BangRon (Jeremy): The Dirtiest Sluts In The Room
(Enron: The Smartest Guys In The Room)
George Teague Bangs Ordinary Gentleman
(League of Ordinary Gentlemen)
Mysterious Skin
(Mysterious Skin)
House of Wax Dat Ass
(House of Wax)
The Cockcicles of Hornyia: Laying The Bitch On The Whoredrobe
(DUH)
Grizzly Man Tits
(Grizzly Man)
2046nine
(2046)

The Death to Smoochy Award
for Worstest Picture of the Year

Be Cool
Stay
Hide and Seek
Boogeyman
The Amityville Horror
& The Aristocrats

Movies To Look For in 2006

5 Fast, 5 Furious
Swiss Miss, Gang Bang
Mmm-Bop: Hanson Warriors
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Wilburys
Howl, Harold, & Kumar Move Into White Castle

Me saw something close to 100 movies in the theater this year. How’d you do, losers? Or were you too busy listening to that Sufjan Stevens album to go see anything? Fine, be that way. But don’t fergot the ’04, the ’03, and the ’02, or Papa and Mumsy Master’s picks for the ’05! They have grrrrrrrrrrreat taste… snatchurally/boviously, they is my parents

Movies Mumsy Ejoyed
1) Brokeback Mountain
2) Mysterious Skin
3) Crash
4) Capote
5) Breakfast On Pluto
6) The Squid and The Whale
7) 5 way tie* Paradise Now, Off The Map, The Edukators, King Kong, Ladies In Lavender

*She could not separate cause she thought all these movies are on the same level

Mumsy’s Worst Movies
Bewitched
Land of the Dead
The Brothers Grimm
Fun With Dick and Jane
“Sorry Jim–Why did you pick this film to star in?”
– Mumsy Master

Mumsy’s Most Disappointing
Charlie And the Chocolate Factory
“Sorry Johnny Depp–You didn’t play this character well.”
– Mumsy Master

Papa’s Frtias
1) Touch the Sound
2) Murderball
3) Dear Frankie
4) Breakfast on Pluto
5) Paradise Now
6) Mysterious Skin
7) Hustle & Flow
8) Memory of a Killer
9) 3-Iron
10) Sin City
11) Go for Zucker

Papa’s Props
Best Actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
Best Soundtrack: The Squid and The Whale
Most Disappointing (not the worst): Duce Bigillow
Does Europe [sic]
Best Holocost Film: Ninth Day
Most Twists: Dot the I

Hope you enjoyed that folks. As we say goo-bye, I’d like to send out some boos to the Golden Globes, the NFL Playoffs, and anyone who puts Wedding Crashers or The 40-Year Old Virgin on their Top Ten lists.

Cause for Messiah Joe Gibbs and Co tits either

or

and dick LESTer we forget…

Peace The
FORD THEATER
Out
2
THE HOBO
from
Pee Wee’s Big Adventure

aka
Joseph ‘Blue’ Palasky
to you idjiots who probably think
the overly refarted Old School
is the 2nd cumming
of Alan Cumming
or Animal House