Thighs Wide Movies 2009

03. Feb, 2010 5 Comments

we saw 150ish flicks in the ’09
(down from 190ish last year)
and you probably didn’t
but we still luvs youes!

The Barely Legal Eighteensies

1) Hurt Locker – HURTs so good. LOCKERs even gooderer!!!!

2) Skin – this little seen/known true story got under our SKIN and you should let it do the same to yours!

3) Das Weisse Band (The White Ribbon) – the kids aint alright, and neither are their parents and neither are you if you pass on this!!

4) Il Divo – the devil is in the details and the devil is in the detailed Il Divo. whip it mmm mmm gooooood!

5) Tetro – Sofia Coppola who?

6) Avatar – who didn’t want to munch on Pandora’s box? or punch Joel Moore in the face?

7) A Serious Man – ‘the finesestest Jewish-oriented (non-Holocaust) film since The Ten Commandments. Eat yer farts out Woody Allen and Neil Simon!‘

8) Fantastic Mr Fox – Wes is more! Fooba Wooba John!

9) District 9 – fittingly #9 on our list, but Neill Blomkamp & Sharlto Copley‘s names tie for #1!!!

10) Somers Town – may the Shane Meadows grazing never end!!

11) Goodbye Solo – hello humanity!

12) Capitalism: A Love Story – Fatman returns!

13) The Road – paths of unglory!

14) Up – nobody makes a perfect first 1/3rd of a movie, and a whatevs for the other 2/3rds quite like Pixar did does!

15) Watchmen – don’t believe the pre-release hype, but do believe the post-release fact that it matched the graphic novel pourfectly!

16) The Messenger – Cheers meets Six Feet Under… not really!

17) Not Quite Hollywood: The Wild, Untold Story of Ozploitation! – the women glowed, the men plundered!

18) Broken Embraces – AlmodÃ³var = film caviar!

Honor Blackmanable Mentions

The Blind Side, Brothers, BrÃ¼no, The Cove, Donkey Punch, Drag Me To Hell, GI Joe: Rise of Cobra, Guest of Cindy Sherman, In The Loop, Inglourious Basterds, Lymelife, Sugar, Surveillance, Two Lovers, Tyson & Where The Wild Things Are

6thishendith Anal
Thighs Wide
Movie Awards

The Death to Smoochy
Worstest Pictures
of the Year

Antichrist
Pandorum
The Boat That Rocked
Pirate Radio
& Push

The Gus van Sant
Most(ly) Pretentious
Most Overhyped
Guy Flies In Plane
Guy Lands On Ground
Guy Does Nuttin Really
Cept Meets Pilot That Look
Like Sam Elliot
Movie
For No Reason

Up In The Air

The Bare Un-Necessities/
Coulda Been A Contender

Nine
Invictus
Bronson
The Informers
Whatever Works
New York, I Love You
The Invention of Lying
&
4 Fast, 4 Furious

Trailers Worth Tractoring

The Informers, A Serious Man, Tetro, Where The Wild Things Are
A Single Man, 500 Days of Summer, 2012, District 9
& Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
and the wurst: Spinning Into Butter

Post Her
Post We
Post Haste!

& the wurstest ones

The Inland Empire
Shot On Digital Video
Film That Struck Out
Cause It Looked Like
Udder F$%king Sh@t!!

Public Enemies

Accent That Needed To Be
Axed & Sent Directly To Jail/Hell

Paul Schneider’s Scottish ‘accent’ in Bright Star
runner up down: Matt Damon in Invictus

The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
He Didn’t Like
Guy of The Year

That Guy
aka Michael Berryman
who appeared in 10ish movies
even though the Mac kid had ELEVEN credited roles in the ‘009

The Nice Try Lao Che Guevaraer

Food, Inc.
for not even remotely changing our minds
about eating yummy yet crappy yet yummy
ghetto meats made in America!

Flamingest Use of
An Angora Sweater
Since Ed Wood

Nicholas Hoult in A Single Man

Jizz Shots
Heard Round The World
That Weren’t Caused By Amber

Malin Akerman and her super-curvy NSFW a$$
in Watchmen

Bestest Flix
We Netted

Always Bet On These Lil
Shirley Temple Black
(& White) Children

Chibundu Orukwowu & Chigozie Orukwowu
Edie Martin
Max Records
Bailee Madison
Ryan Simpkins
Ella Ramangwane
Isabelle Fuhrman

Least Bangable Scary Lady
Since The Ancient Booer

the ole hag from Drag Me To Hell

Songs That Execute Butter
Than Norman Mailer’s Bong

‘Freedom Fighters’ in the Star Trek trailer
‘Somebody To Love’ in A Serious Man [d]
‘Heroes & Villains’ in Fantastic Fox [d]
‘Heartbeats (Rex the Dog Remix)’ in Donkey Punch [d]
‘All Is Love’ in Where The Wild Things Are [d]
anything by Anvil
&
‘Ass 2 Ass’ with you [empee3] in Skins
(even dough Skins isn’t a movie
but we forgot to include that tune
in our TV or Music of 2009 wrap ups)

Unintentional Porn
To Be Wild Titles

April Showers
The Box
Crank 2
Donkey Punch
Eleven Minutes
Everlasting Moments
Five Minutes of Heaven
Gentlemen Broncos
Gigantic
The Girlfriend Experience
The Horse Boy
Humpday
I Can Do Bad
It Might Get Loud
The Lovely Bones
Not Easily Broken
The Princess and The Frog
Push
The September Issue
Spread
Sunshine Cleaning
Tickling Leo
Where The Wild Things Are
Whip It
Yoo Hoo Mrs. Goldberg

Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Uzimann
Jon Eyez
Jadagrace
Victoria Stankiewicz
& Poo Poo Productions

9 Things Not Covered
In Nine, 9 or District 9

500 Zooey Deschanels
the first GI Joe tango in Paris
the Uzi spraying at the fake Gugg in The International
the plain jane-ness of Olivia Wilde’s writer/director parents
Frank Langella’s 3/4ths face making more cents
than the rest of what went on in The Box
the road of The Road
AlmodÃ³var meets & Magritte
Matt Damon in Eddie Murphy white face
& we’ll have whatever Nic Cage was having in Bad Lt

Welcome To The House, Dolls

Naturi Naughton

Notorious

Jaime Winstone

+ the other 2 fit women of Donkey Punch

Tracey Heggins

Medicine For Melancholy

Holly Valance

Taken

Jocelin Donahue

He’s Just Not That Into You + The House of The Devil

Julianna Guill
Danielle Panabaker
& Willa Ford

Friday the 13th

æŽå°ç’
aka Li Xiao Lu
aka Jacqueline Li
aka Lu Lu

Push

Brooke Nevin

Sherman’s Way

Margarita Levieva

Adventureland

Ellary Porterfield

Sugar

Nora Arnezeder

Paris 36 (Faubourg 36)

Gal Gadot

4 Fast 4 Furious

Collette Wolfe

Observe and Report

Nicole Beharie

American Violet

Zoe Saldana

Star Trek & Avatar

Rachel Nichols

Star Trek & GI Joe: Rise of Cobra

Jessica Mas

Rudo y Cursi

Amber Heard

The Informers

Cameron Goodman

The Informers

Kimberley Nixon

Easy Virtue

Carmen Ejogo

Away We Go

Dominique McElligott

Moon

Isabel Lucas

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Minka Kelly

(500) Days of Summer

Katheryn Winnick

Cold Souls

LÃ©a Seydoux

Inglourious Basterds

Jennifer Merrill

Taking Woodstock

Krista Allen

The Final Destinastion (3-D)

Paula Patton

Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

Beatrice Rosen

2012

Lily Collins

The Blind Side

Keri Lynn Pratt

A Single Man

Jenna Gavigan

A Single Man

Leonie Benesch

A Single Man

Alden Ehrenreich

Tetro

Sasha Grey

The Gross Experience

&

Alexandre & Philippe Haussmann

2012

Movies To Look
For In The ‘010

Ben-Hymn
Motel For Frogs
First House On The Right
Landland, starring Jesse Eisenberg
We Hate You I Love You Beth Cooper
The Year of Living Johnny Dangerously
Unnecessary Musica
l Released In December
Untitled Generic Christmas Movie
The Men Who Stare At Goatees
9 Fast, 9 Furious
lookin for a second opinion?
papa Thigh Master weighs in!

Daddy’s Long Legs
& His 13teenies

1. Hurt Locker
2. Avatar
3. Good Hair
4. An Education
5. Okuribito (Departures)
6. Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire
7. Etz Limon (The Lemon Tree)
8. L’heure d’Ã©tÃ© (Summer Hours)
9. Captain Abu Raed
10. Goodbye Solo
11. Adam
12. Away We Go
13. Everybody’s Fine
don’t forget to peep out our
’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

All Posts, Best of, Hotties, Movie Reviews, Music, NSFW, TV

Malin Akerman

5 Comments

Thighs Wide Music 2009

13. Jan, 2010 2 Comments

Thighs Wides Shuts’
Tops Twelves Albums
Wees Heards
This Years*

*out of a total of 12.31 albums that we listened to in the ‘009. yep, wees still far removed from today’s music, but we’re old and don’t have time for Lady Pupugaga and new things and stuff and don’t have a clue as to who 99.99% of the bands being Brooklyn Veganed about be, but no sweat off our backs cause this was a banner year for us in concerting (see below), as we took in 2 out of the top 3 shows we hath ever seen, and some of the others may go down in herstory as top 20ers, which is really saying something, but we’re not really saying anything, and if you know anything about music, yer probably not getting yer music knowledge here, but whatevs.net

Tunses For Toonces

super short edition
All Is Love – Karen O & The Kids [d]
The Chanukah Song – Neil Diamond [d]
The Fear – Lily Allen [d]
Fooba Wooba John – Burl Ives [d]
The Girl And The Robot – RÃ¶yksopp [d]
He’s Behind You, He’s Got Swine Flu – The Streets [d]
Magnificent – U2 [d]
Total Love Warrior Song – Jean-Benoit Dunckel [d]
Too Many Dicks (On The Dance Floor) – Flight of The Conchords [d]
Uprising – Muse [d]

Concerts That Were
Tastier Than A
Certs Mint

Flight of the Conchords + Kristen Schaal @ Radio City Music Hall
Travis @ Webster Hall
Franz Ferdinand @ Roseland Ballroom
Leonard Cohen @ Radio City Music Hall
Phish @ Jones Beach
Fleetwood Mac @ MSG
Fatboy Slim @ Terminal 5
Blur @ Hyde Park!!!!!
Paul McCartney @ Shea II
Paul McCartney @ FedEx Field
Moby @ 9:30 Club and Irving Plaza
U2 @ Giants Stadium
Davy Jones @ BB Kings
Brian Wilson @ Bergen PAC
The 25th Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Anniversary Concerts – Night 1 @ MSG
The 25th Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Anniversary Concerts – Night 2 @ MSG
An Evening with Fran Healy and Andy Dunlop from Travis @ Joe’s Pub
RÃ¶yksopp @ Webster Hall
Matisyahu @ Sixth & I Synagogue
Phish @ MSG
Fiery Furnaces @ Bowery Ballroom

the past is the passed

’08
’07
’06
’05
’04
’03

in closing there waz one album, which was born in 1966 and wasn’t studio completed until 2004, that (shlong-overduedly) ruled our ears for all of 2009 and will until the dayz wees thighs dies: Brian Wilson – SMiLE. own it, rip it, d-lode it, love it

All Posts, Best of, Hotties, Music

Blur, Flight of the Conchords, The Swell Season

2 Comments

Thighs Wide Telly 2009

07. Jan, 2010 3 Comments

PTI and CBS Sunday Morning are Jesus and Moses of TV. bow to them daily/weekly (cept when both Wilbon & Korny are out or if Bob Ryan is guesting). here are 13 other TV shows we enjoyed, and if you have any taste, did too

1. Misfits (E4, England) – remember how hammazin the first season of Heroes waz? well take that, throw in some chavy shirts and ASBO Skins and what you ends up with is sure and pimply the bestest and brightest show of 2009. only 6 glorious episodes eggsist, and if you live outside of the UK, you won’t even get a chance to watch any em, and thus we openly encourage you to get all illegal and download thems!! it’s dramatastic, HIGHlarious, there’s some NSFWness, it gets 17 nazillion bonus pts for being mainly filmed in and around Thamesmead (remember how much we love to viddy that place well?), and then there’s this…

please America, do not remake this show. juss import it as is

2. 30 for 30 (ESPN) – if your DVR doesn’t have a season pass set to this yumcredible series of docs, you probably don’t have a DVR. The Jimmy The Greek one was one of the moist heartbreaking things we saw in 2009, period. we expect the Bartman one to do the same in 2010. still, this doesn’t make up for the fact of how unwatchable SportsCenter is

3. Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO) – the Seinfeld reunion bits were hactually the least compelling parts of season 7, which sez quite a lot about Larry David’s neverending (please, LD, NEVER end em!!!) kvetching exploits spread out over another batch of 10 perfect episodes. we said goodbye to the Black family, but spankfully Leon stayed behind. how else were we to learn that he was Bar Miff-vaed 3 times?

4. Skins (E4, England) – unlike on American shows where the kids stay in high school forevers or in the picture juss way too long, Skins does what it does best – turn its nose to the status quo for teen TV, and then shoves a bunch of drugs up it, cranks the music, drops the clothes and wham-o til the breaka breaka dawn. gone are the kids we’ve grown to know and love (we miss you Sketch!!) and in came a whole new generation of f&ck-ups, ones we were thighly skeptical about at first, who are now our new BFFs… that is until they get tossed aside after season 4! but you already know this cause we never shut up about Skins and the twins who are filthy Fitch

5. Eastbound & Down (HBO) – three words: Kenny ‘F%cking’ Powers. two more: Stevie Janowski

6. Dexter (Showtime) – first they turned Jimmy Smits into killer gold, then John Lithgow went all triple platinum this year. which TV star is next to fall victim to Dex’s midnight runnings? might we suggest Bob Newhart?

7. At The Movies (Syndicated) – normally this show wouldn’t be on this list since it’s a year-round bestness HoFamer (ala PTI/CBS Sun Morn), but sadly was removed from such a distinction after Ben Lyons (and the other Ben) took it over and turned it into amateur amateur (1/2) hour. it was beyond dreadful (and prompted one of the funniest pieces we’ve ever read outta Ebert), but the umpossible became possible when the in over the headcases were dumped for actual legitimate film critics!! kudos to Michael Phillips & AO (A-Oooooooooooooo!) Scott for so quickly righting the ship. sail on sailors!!!

8. Big Love (HBO) – how does Bill continue to make it all work? that unanswered question keeps us glued and drooling with the passing of each intense episode. disaster always looms large, and we hope it surfaces like woooooah with dirty rumors about Margene and Ben flying high

9. The Office (NBC) – say what you will, or what she said, but besides Da Ali G Show, it remains the funniest show of the decade. ‘I will have the spaghetti. With a side salad. If the salad is on top, I send it back.‘

10. Mad Men (AMC) – needed more Paul Kinsey, but then again, what didn’t?

11. Flight of The Conchords (HBO) – the song-smithery dropped off drastically, and how could it not considering the first season was comprised of about 10+ years worth of material and the second season only 2, but the comedy didn’t skip a beat-off. one word: Garfunkling

12. Kendra (E!) – take the b(r)east part of The Girls Next Door out of the mansion, pair her with an equally sweet and not so sharp soul-mate and let the freak flags fly high! bonus points to Too $hort’s bangin ‘Go Kendra’ ditty, esp in an era when theme music is dying a quick death

13. Breaking Bad (AMC) – has replaced Mad Men as the show that’s beyond critically acclaimed that no one watches

14. Lost (ABC) – it’s hard to deny the magnitude of awesomeness and creativity that Lost has displayed since its debut, but think things went a lil too overboard this past year. yet, nuttin beat the revelation of who Miles’ dad was!

here’s a bunch of series we watch(ed), but are purty indifferent to: 30 Rock (please stop giving them the Emmys and other awards that The Office deserves more ), True Blood (those accents make us want to cut our ears off) Desperate Housewives, Gossip Girl (they blew their load too large in season one), Community (don’t you dare sleep on our boy Abed!), Weeds, In Treatment, Bored To Death + Entourage (everyone finally wised up this year to the fact that this show really f&cking sucks… but we can’t stop watching it either)

and a big middle finger to: the disappointing Prisoner, the too Diablo Codyed United States of Tara, every single episode of Californication besides the final one + that Mormon douche bag from Real World Brooklyn

All Posts, Best of, Music, NSFW, TV

30 For 30, At The Movies, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Flight of the Conchords, Kathryn Prescott, Mad Men, Megan Prescott, Misfits, Prescott Twins, Skins

3 Comments

This Is List: 2010

06. Jan, 2010 9 Comments

our list wass suppose to hit handstands on January 1, but we got caught up in affairs of state and states of affair. if you have no idea what wears talksin abouts, neither do we, but we have a list that’s less Schindler and more of a worser version of The Post‘s ole in-out, in-out, with a dollop of Bruno‘s catty game

OUT	IN
Amazon’s Kindle	Det John Kimble
Reducing One’s Carbon Footprint	Encasing Loved Ones in Carbonite
Coke Zero	Diet LSD
Jim Zorn	Roger Dorn
Death Panels	Death By Stereo
Jersey Shore	Pauly Shore
Five Guys	Fievel’s Girls
Twitter	Conway Twitty
Max Yasgur’s Farm	Pepperidge Farm
David Keith	Keith David
Abstinence	‘The Safety Dance’
Justin Case	Justin.tv
The Black Eyed Peas	any other kind of pea you could possibly think of

The UPS Guy	Ray Guy
Michael Jackson	Jack Michaelson

Pick Six	Sick Pix
Dan Brown	Lane Brown
Clooney Fatigue	Army Fatigues
Twilight	TwigLight
Lady Gaga	Kajagoogoo
JÃcama	Vai Sikahema
The Big Three	The Big Mick
Tiger’s Transgressions	Neil Young’s Trans
Tramp Stamps	Terence Stamp Tramps
H1N1	IG-88
‘That’s What She Said’	‘What Would Right Said Fred Do?”
Eco-Terrorism	Iko Iko Terrorism