Thighs Wide Shut

– How’s this for unoriginality. Seems that the kid’s head who’s the logo for Thigh Wide Shut does double duty over at this other blog. And it appears that that dude’s been doing this thang longer than I have. Does this mean I should replace the kid’s head with something else? Please, I need yer feedbag feedback more than ever. [Sad info passed along via Sacramento is the New New York]

– This site doesn’t reek of shit, it just talks about it. Welcome to 365 Dumps: A year in the life of this my colon, one dump at a time. And here’s another random one: How Old Do You Think I Am? [Links via Zach de la Roachclip]

– What’s more pointless than a shot-by-shot remake of Psycho? A cover of the Go-Go’s “Our Lips Are Sealed” by Hilary and Haylie Duff for the new shitpick A Cinderella Story. Hilary, take some time away from being a diva and add an f-in extra “l” to yer name already!!

– I figured it was time we all czech up on the bestest dog ever, Bert:

[Pic via J Warner Sisters]

And please don’t confuse
Bert with the RCA Dog

– No more bovsing on my effing tees since 56 A.D.??? Could this be possible? Sayeth it aint so Peabs.

– Lohan explosion 2004 continues. Looks like Ms. THANG may lend her talents to some flick called Fashionistas and a big screen version of I Dream of Jeannie. And if her people like my script enuff, hopefully she’ll sign on for Riders of Lohan. I’m the new McG, cept I’m not Irish and I don’t McSuck.

– Who’s had more spinoffs than Ultragrrrl (see Greg the B-Friend & Nikki The Roomie)? The Lebowski Fest, that’s who! First there was the original one in Louisville (where yer humble narrator is headed to next month). Then a western one spouted up in Vegas this past February. And now it’s time to break out the white Russians and Creedence tapes for a third installment in New York, from August 13-14!!

– Speaking of grand events, Bono and Prime Pimp Tony Blair are looking to raise money for the world’s poor by resurrecting Live Aid from the dead. Original head pimp in charge of the 1985 version, Sir Bobby Geldof, has so far not been involved in round 2. I’m sure he’s too busy shaving off his eyebrows in a hotel somewhere.

– An albino alligator moved from Florida to Iowa. And somewhere from point A to B, he got a lil light in the loafers.

1. Shrek 2 – $104.3 million ($125.3 million) – Sure the film made a shitload and even beat out The Christ for best opening of 2004, but there’s no way on this blue Earth that I’m seeing this crud. Am I the only one? It probably doesn’t help that I work with animation all day long and the last thing I want to do is see more of it AND spend money on it. Anyways, there’s only been 2 purely good computer generated flicks: Toy Story and Toy Story 2.

2. Troy $23.8 million ($85.8 million) – I did a little research this past weekend and founded out that this movie is riddled with historical inaccuracies. Did you know that they didn’t even speak English in olden Greece? Ah whatever, the Hulk rules!

3. Van Helsing – $10.1 million ($100.2 million) – How did poor Faramir go from super stud to bumbling jackass? Read this and find out.

4. Mean Girls– $6.9 million ($64.7 million) – Well, turns out that this wasn’t the first movie since City of God that I would see twice in the theater. That berry special title belongs to one of the best movies of 2004, Napoleon Dynamite. Anywho, dearest Grambs, time to get off the Bynes tip and hop on the LL Express. Bynes’ career is more done than Warrick. I’m glad her next role in a movie is a voice over, so I won’t have to see her 5.2-head. Whatevs, we both need new tween queens to worship…

5. Man On Fire – $3.9 million ($69.3 million) – I keep mulling over whether to see this or not and then I found out that these are some of the “memorable quotes“:

Creasy: Forgiveness is between them and God. It’s my job to arrange the meeting.

Lisa: What are you going to do?

Creasy: What I do best: I’m gonna kill ’em. Anyone who was involved, anyone who profited from it, anyone who opens their eyes at me.

Pita: You have a girlfriend?

Creasy: What kind of question is that? You’re supposed to be studying history.

Pita: It *is* history: Creasy history.

Creasy: No, that’s ancient history!

6. Breakin’ All the Rules – $2.8 million ($9 million) – I think there needs to be a smoking ban, cause Gabrielle Union is too smoking HOTTTTTTTT.

7. 13 Going 30 – $2.5 million ($52.1 million) – Garner must have be so ultra-cool when she was 17 going on gag me with a spoon.

8. New York Minute – $1.2 million ($12.5 million) – After our exposing exposes on Jodes Sweetang, Kirk’s sister, and the ever precocious Kimmy Gibbler, I figured that Dave Coulier (pronounced Cool-Yay) and his website, Cut It Out.net, deserved a little love. Don’t bother clicking on the “Fun Page” cause it wasn’t that much fun.

9. Kill Bill: Volume 2 – $1.6 million ($60.8 million) – Who has a bigger ego, Quentin Tatar-tots or Michael Moore? I don’t really care, but they both should be coaches for the new Lingerie Football League.

10. Super Size Me – $1 million ($2.9 million) – Best current trend in movies: the smart documentary that makes money.

America loves the Hives and now they’re returning the favor by touring with the Sahara Hotnights and the Reigning Sound, in support of their untitled new album:

7/20 – Washington, D.C. @ 9:30 Club

7/21 – New York, NY @ Irving Plaza

7/22 – New York, NY @ Irving Plaza

7/23 – Boston, MA @ Avalon

7/24 – Toronto, ON @ The Phoenix

7/25 – Detroit, MI @ Majestic Theater

7/26 – Chicago, IL @ Metro

7/28 – Denver, CO @ Ogden Theatre

7/29 – Salt Lake City, UT @ In the Venue

7/30 – Seattle, WA @ The Showbox

7/31 – Portland, OR @ The Premiere

8/1 – San Francisco, CA @ The Fillmore

8/2 – Los Angeles, CA @ TBD

8/3 – Los Angeles, CA @ TBD

8/4 – San Diego, CA @ Soma

And if that wasn’t enuff, The Streets are… hitting the streets and dragging Dizzee Rascal along for 6 of the shows:

Mountain View Shoreline Amphitheater (with Dizzee Rascal) (June 11)

Los Angeles The Wiltern (with Dizzee Rascal) (12)

Seattle Nuemo’s (15)

Park City Harry O’s (18)

Denver Fox Theater (19)

Minneapolis Fine Line Music Cafe (21)

Chicago Metro (23)

Detroit St. Andrew’s Hall (24)

Toronto Mod Club (25)

Montreal Club Soda (26)

Boston Avalon Ballroom (with Dizzee Rascal) (28)

New York City Irving Plaza (with Dizzee Rascal) (29-30)

Washington DC 9:30 Club (with Dizzee Rascal) (July 1)

Atlanta Earthlink Live (3)

1. Troy $46.8 million (New) – For honor. For victory. For love. For destiny. For passion. For Troy. Fo shizzle. For Pete’s f-in sake, enuff already, just go on and read our review. With mad props to and from Mr. Panty Raider!!!

2. Van Helsing – $20.7 million ($85 million) – Americans love crap. They really do! Why else do you think Friends lasted as long as it did? And its obvs to my bovs that nobody peeped our scathing review of Van Helsucks. 85 million? How could you all let this happen? Wouldn’t you rather see a documentary all about inverted nipples? I would.

3. Mean Girls– $10.1 million ($55.4 million) – This will probably be the first movie since City of God that I will see twice in the theater. That’s not a threat, but a promise. Who’s with me? But yer pants must stay around yer ankles for the entire film. Our review be here or be square.

4. Man On Fire – $5.1 million ($64.1 million) – Dakota Fanning turns 18 in 2015. Let the dirty old man counters begin. F-in YUCK!!!!!

5. Breakin’ All the Rules – $5 million (New) – We the Master o’ Thighs, in order to form a more perfect union with Gabrielle Union, must eggcept the fact that Ms Hotness stars in whore-able movies.

6. 13 Going 30 – $4.1 million ($48.5 million) – If for some strange reason all the planets aligned, Lindsay Lohan’s boobs turned out to be fakes, tacos became our national flower, and Andy Serkis got nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his work in the poopfest instead of LOTR: The Two Towers, I’d seriously consider shaving off all me grundle hair and gluing it to my face.

7. New York Minute – $3.8 million ($10.7 million) – Last week we briefly touched on Jodie “Sweet-Ass” Sweetin and Candace “Candy-Ass” Cameron. This week, we actually did a lil sleuthing and found out that Jodes is an uber-hottie, while Candace is still Kirk’s sister AND is married to Pavel Bure’s bro, Valeri. Next yer gonna tell me that Winnie Cooper was a math genius and now as a more budding acting career than Kevin Arnold!!

8. Laws of Attraction – $2 million ($15.3 million) – If Julianne Moore and me made babies together, they would probably look something like this (Beware people with weak stomachs).

9. Kill Bill: Volume 2 – $1.6 million ($60.8 million) – Why is Jackie Brown the most boringiest movie ever and this movie aint?

10. Envy – $1 million ($11.8 million) – Neftlix The Ben Stiller Show instead… and be sure to skip all the Skank the sock puppet bits.