Thighs Wide Shut

And how bout some love for Ali G’s Kazakhstani cohort, Borat Sagdiyev. Remember this following classic exchange at the rodeo:

Borat – I once carry a woman against her will for near one mile.

Southern Man – You did? [to 2nd Southern Man] He carried a woman against her will for one mile!

2nd Southern Man – Oh really?!

Southern Man – Why’d you do that?

Borat – To show her my home

Southern Man – OK. She liked itwhen she got there?

Borat – Yees. She my wife now.

Well, Borat will be happy to learn that there’s a Wife Carrying World Championship held every year in Sonkajarvi, Finland.

And just for good ole thyme shiz and kibbles, here’s Drobnjak Manjaks’ interactive website. This is about the best thing that the NBA has to offer.

[Major link love via Joe E Tartar and The Hof of the Nads]

– Who’s the king of all Randalls Island news? None other than ProductshopNYC. The Island said peace out to Lollapalooza last week and the Cure’s depressing tour may bite the dust as well. But there be light at the end of the tunnel folks. How does Little Steven’s International Underground Garage Festival starring Iggy Pop & The Stooges, The Strokes, The New York Dolls, Bo Diddley, The Raveonettes, The Mooney Suzuki, and many more for only one Andrew Jackson sound to you’alls? Gawd bless you Silvio!!

– One of the best non-fiction shows ever returns July 6th: The 2004 World Series of Poker. In the meantime, czech out what color commentator Norman Chad has to say about America’s obsession with dodgeball.

– What do a fake mustache, a mullet, the solar system, and a keytar all have in common? This. [Link via Tim “Fudger” Altie]

– POLAPOLAPOLAPOLAPOLAPOLAPOLAPOLAPOLA.

– Bruce Willis seeks to end his baldness.

– Me and Lohan, the buxom 17 & 11/12th year old, must share the same brain. Both of our dream projects would be “a movie with Johnny Depp or Jude Law. I’m in love with them both.” Girl, you’ll be a woman soon.

– The folks over at Chosen Couture are quickly becoming more urban than Urban Outfitters. They’ve added many a fine products to their site. So which one of yous wants tos buys mees this apron?

– Did you know that you should never carry a hoe into the house. If you do so by mistake, carry it out again and walk backwards to avoid bad luck. Damn hoes!! Click me for more superstitions.

– Time to get a rotary phone cause a Hungarian study found that mobile phones may damage sperm. I mean, text messaging isn’t worth losing future generations of Thigh Masters, right?

– And finally, we can rest assure as Lawmakers Loosen Potluck Dinner Rules.

– What day is more precious to Americans than July 4th, Independence Day? July 2nd, aka the day Ms. Lindsay Lohan-Thighmaster turns a ripe 18!!!! FINALLY, I no longer have to be compared with the likes of Pee-Wee Herman or Jeffrey Jones!! And why don’t you just shut up San Francisco Chronicle reporter Peter Hartlaub. We all know you can’t wait for Kim Possible to turn legal.

– Wanna be cool like the Thigh Master? Then why don’t you bid on these Temple of Doom collectible glasses. No time for eating Dr Jones!

– First Seacrest and now Winslet out? She’s backing out of the Woodman’s London-set film cause of the heavy load on her shoulders… her breasts.

– Boy named ESPN to be visited by… ESPN!!!

– Set times have been posted for this summer’s Coney Island Siren Fest. Shit is going to be hotttttt like Buster Poindexter. Can’t wait to buy me fifteen chili dogs from Nathan’s.

– Casablanca’s answer to Planet Hollywood: Rick’s Cafe. Hopefully they don’t have Play It Again Sam-dwiches on their menu.

– Cleavage, one of the breast documentaries I’ve ever seen, airs again tonight on A&E at 8 pm.

– What sorta sounds and looks like South Park? Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s latest: Princess. [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

– The Newbs and his comedy series at Boston’s Regattabar got some nyce press in The Globe.

– Itching to know what ever happened to that Encyclopedia Britannica Kid or what columnist Weed McBonghit will do with life after Phish? Czech out my comrades over at Inside Joke.TV for those answers and much, much more.

– Things are getting all sorts of crazy in Thailand. Furst, the gov-mint are allowing prisoners to play soccer atop elephants in an attempt to put an end to gambling on soccer. Fine-ul-lee and sect-tently, they have just shaken the restroom industry be introducing the world’s first transvestite and transsexual bathrooms.

– The countdown for Kill Bill 3 is ON. 14 years, 11 months, 364 1/8 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes, 59 seconds, and 29 frames later, we’ll finally get to see it.

– Scientists have just developed an antidote for the worst plague since The Spin Doctor’s last album: burping sheep

– Get this, Woody Allen’s next joint will be his FIRST movie completely devoid of New York City. See you later Jason Biggs, and hello London and some of their NonUSHotties, Kate Winslet and Emily Mortimer.

– A job that would allow me to meet a lot of people and cuss at them too: Massivetwoshits toll both operator.

– 99 hippies and the bitch aint one as Jay-Z helps NY kiss Phish goodbye for good. But they’ll be back, like my girl Martina Navratilova.

– Triple L: Lindsay, Lohan, (the) Lord.

– These truly are the brat-wurst album covers of all time. Joyce was bigger than the Beatles + Jesus! [Link via Newbsy Russell]

– Da Ali G Show: Season One DVDs. Out on July 20th. Or is it August 17th? Now I can finally get them off my TiVo and out of my dreams and into my car.

– Kylie Minogue may be the next Bond girl, but the Broccoli family aint letting her sing the next Bond theme song. I’ll bet they go with Willie Hung doing a cover of Guns ‘n’ Roses’ cover of Paul McCartney’s “Live and Let Die”. Speaking of covers and from the same artilce, William Shatner is inviting Jarvis Cocker to appear in his video for his cover version of Pulp’s “Common People”. And speaking of that same article, again, they have a bit saying that Britney Spears is in serious talks for a tasteful spread in Playboy. Insert tasteful spread joke here.

– Will this be the single greatest movie about chicken and/or waffles ever: Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles: The Movie? The country just keeps on getting better and better. Thanks George Double U Bush for making all of this possible, and to you Kid Kadoji, for brining this to my attention.

My a$$ and grundle will be Louisville bound later on today. So I keep asking meself over and over, why the fudgecicles am I headed to the birthplaces of the L-Slugger bats and Muhammad Ali? Oh, yeah, the sausage fest better known as The 3rd Annual Lebowski Fest, that’s why!! Who knows what shennigans lay ahead this weekend for me and the Rocktown, MD boyz, but seeing many men dressed as Jesus can’t be all that bad, eh?

Anywho, here’s some crap to get you thru the day…

– Since So Sayeth the Peabs went the way of the VHS cassette, the Coz had to do something with his flizzum and ecto-flazzum. Unfortunately, that flimbozzol has been turned into a new cartoon called Fatherhood. Coz, wtf? Why not give the Peabs and the peoples what they want: Leonard Parts 1-5.

– Speaking of le Coz, his son Theo is going to play the Queen Mermaid in Coney Island’s annual Mermaid Parade, next Saturday, the 26th. And get this, the ever-bald Moby, he’s going to suit up to portray King Neptune!!

– Me favorite cartoon character ever, Donald Duck, is finally gettin’ some respect. He just got honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk o Fame, along with James “Scotty” Doohan.

– Raj Ebert’s gone insane. Although I have yet to see it, how could he give the shmaltz-a-thon known as The Terminal 3 n’ 1/2 stars and the breast comedy since Lebowski and Rushmore a measly 1 n’ 1/2 stars? This is the greatest injustice of halves since the Fonz directed Cop & 1/2.

– Madonna wants people to start calling her Esther. Madge, are you trying to make everyday be Purim or something? And also Material has-been, Jewish people don’t wear huge crosses or hump them either.

– My girl Vega$, and fellow LL fanatic, has just joined the Blogosphere. Her thang, Cityrag, hasn’t been up too long, but has already got the attention of them peeps over at Gawker, and for good reason, cause it f-in rocks… just like LL.

– Do you like bukkake? [Link via Tim “Fudger” Altie]

– Germans beware, there’s a samurai on the loose!

– And finally, an Oregon doctor told his patient that having sex with him would help her pelvic pain. I think tits about time I left my job at the cartoon porn factory and got my a$$ into the medical profession! Have a kick-a$$ weak end everyone!!!