Thighs Wide Shut

• Today’s vid game hot topic belongs to the fine folks at CAPCOM and the 8-bit games they created for Nintendo. They didn’t have the best games, but their graphics were always top notch, and duhvs course, they were always so fargin icehole easy to beat (cept 4 the ever so challenging Ghosts & Goblins). And most of them were xerox versions of other games they previously released. I mean, what’s the difference between Mega Man 2 and Mega Man 2112? Wasn’t Legendary Wings juss a glorified version of (pellet gun) 1942 & 1943? Or how bout all dem synonymous Disney games they pooped out, such as Mickey Mousecapade, Rescue Rangers, AND the best of the lot, Duck Tales? Purty much the Mad Libs of late 80s gaming. Too bad Gummie Bears didn’t get any love, cause who wouldn’t want to drink Gummie Juice and bounce off the walls for hours? I think you can do that in reality, it’s called Jolt Cola, which is making a mini-comeback in these energy drink crazed days. Anywhozitz, the best game they ever sold, hands and thighs down, was Bionic Commando (beware of the audio), which was sorta like a cross between Metal Gear & Blaster Master (not to be confused with Thunderdome‘s Master Blaster). I can’t even tell you how many hours of enjoyment I got shooting that Bionic arm and hearing that Bionic sound effect. Too bad that era has gone Bye-Bye-onic.

• Want my review of the Bloc Party show at Webster Hall last night? Similar to this, but with less words from my chopping BLOC: BOOOOOOOOO-oring (more ‘oring’ than ‘BOOOOOOOOO’), ‘I’m afraid you’re just too darn loud‘ (audio), Tracy Chapman needs singing lessons, and hey, Moby sounded great here, so why didn’t they, and, you call this a ‘party’? I’ve had more fun fasting during Yom Kippur. Sorry My Man Marv, but their sound was trost in lanslation somewhere tween the album and the stage. Feel free to LCruD Soundsystem yer ears when NPR broadcasts their show at the 9:30 Club tonight. [last via Alexander deLarge Boy]

• 22 countries I’ll never visit again.

• Eff Superman, cause the people demand the return of Teddy Ruxpin. Peep out his brand spankin new website! [via Guns n Rosenthal]

• Can’t find a link, but the werd on the street is that the t.A.T.u. anime movie has been indefinitely postponed due to lack of funds. How do you say ‘boo-urns’ in Russian? I dunno, cause I’m too busy creating Russian dressing after looking at these pics. [via Tom Wellington, who thinks ‘I suck’]

• B-Wagon Boy weighs in on the ‘Micheal Jorden’ [sic] verdict.

• Like the Simpsons movie, here’s another thing that would’ve been better in ’95, and not in ’05

• Lohag is a dirtbag

• Jenna Elfman invents the faux mullet, and in turn, looks like Jamie Lee Curtis from the 80s.

• I lourve how that Lucy Pinder chick and her bazongas appear to be glistening in every single snap she takes. Wet women = wet men.

• Don’t know if you’ve been watchin Ashton Crouton’s Beauty & The Geek (I was forced into it, but I hate to say, twas berry entertaining), but the Lauren, the “Lingerie Model”, from head to tongue is like a real life version of The OC‘s Summer Roberts. And no, that’s not a good thing.

• The Brothers Grimm trailer [via DV]

• Cone Pizza!! Sweeeeeeeeeeet!! We’re one step away from Pizza In a Cup (audio)!! [via K to the P]

• Lolliepaloozer’s set times have been posted.

• Set yer TiVos to fun: AFI’S 100 Years…100 Movie Quotes: America’s Greatest Quips, Comebacks and Catchphrases

• Google Quick Reference Guide [via JJ]

• Movie scenes you didn’t get to see

• Lebowski Fest tix go on sale tomorrow

• Tons o’ $20 tix avail to crappy shows at Jones Beach

• Anyone else try to peel the non-existent 99 cent sticker off this week’s Time Out New York?

• Wanna dress like the Thigh Mizzle? Bid away!!

• How to Make Your Own Totally Sweet Mario Question Blocks and Put Them Up Around Town [via Datar Sauce]

• Squirrel Liquor Decanter [via Ceffle Kizzle]

• Kevin Dillon and his fivehead are engaged! I guess he won’t have to chase Kim Bauer/Cuthbest in the woods no mo!

• Related: This guy defends Kim Bauer, ‘I just think that Kim was always an integral and interesting part of the psychological narrative, even without the nipples.‘

• Related: I think we’ve gone long enuff w/out a pitcher of Cuthlete. Here’s a reminder why it’s so hard to give her the boot when she makes me so hard, to boot…

Been sifting thru ole emails at the day job, since I’m moving on to bigger and less animated porn things next week, and found the following great junky links! Sorry if I posted them in the past:

• This is the first page dedicated to my favorite Godfather of Galactic Funk, the hardest working man in gambling, soul brother #1, Lando Calrissian [b-ware of the audio]

• Celebrities-Eating.com

• Some A&W fun for the kids

• The Bible, as told thru Legos

• The PET Computer

and this gem of Jems (truly out-rage-YES!)

• JC Penny’s 1980 Fall/Winter Catalog

• What’s the greatest computer-based game of all thymes? No doubt the one that our 4th grade Social Studies teachers ‘forced’ us play back in the mid 80s: Oregon Trail. I mean, who didn’t try to kill their family off as qwikly as humanly possible, by starvation, disease, drowning, or at the hands of them evil Injuns?? I loved the game so much that when I gots to high school (the one ranked 11th best in the country) and had Journalism for 7th period, we’d all get passes to go to the library to do ‘research’, aka, play the deluxe mid 90s version of the game. Sometimes we’d get the passes, leave school, smoke mad blunts and eat lots of Doritos, but that’s another story for another time. Anywho, major spanks to Double Viking for digging up a version u can play right on yer computer!! Now if only someone could dig up Archon or Carmen Sandiego for me, cause I’m too darn busy playing Where’s Peabs [via Senor Grambs] to find dem other games myself. In the meantime, I’m gonna party like it’s 1849!!

• VAUGHN UPSET HIS CAMEO IN MR + MRS SMITH WAS LEAKED

• THIGH MASTER UPSET VAUGHN HAS CAREER

• David Gray and his sweet-arsed voice are going on tour. Too bad I can only think of Cuthbest in the back seat of a car getting railed by that quiche-bag [very end o’ clip] when I hear ‘This Year’s Love’. Anywho, here be the dates:

1st August: Toronto, The Carlu (General on sale 17th June)
2nd August: New York, Webster Hall (General On sale 22nd June)
4th August: Boston, Avalon (General On sale 24th June)
5th August: Philadelphia, Merriam Theatre (General on sale 18th June)
6th August: Washington DC, 9:30 Club (General on sale 30th June)
8th August: Chicago, Vic Theatre (General on sale 25th June)
9th August: Minneapolis, State Theatre (General on sale 25th June)
14th August: Seattle, Moore Theatre (General on sale 7th July)
16th August: San Francisco, The Fillmore (General on sale 10th July)
17th August: LA, John Anson Ford Theatre (General on sale 9th July)

• Like seeing Alba in that tight-arsed blue suit? You may get yer chance to see in twice more over the next 12 years! Like seeing whorreible Alba photoshop? You get yer chance right now! [info via IM]

• What is sure to be the weirdest thing mt everest? Bjork’s sdtrk to hubby Matthew Barney’s latest Drawing Restraint 9. Sign me up NOW!

• There were sequels to Clockwork Oranges? No, juss two rip-offs: La Gang Dell’ Arancia Meccanica & Una Gute De Sangre Para Morir Amando (aka Clockwork Terror), which actually starred Sue Lyon who played the title character in Kubrick’s Lolita!

• What did the Cream reunion sound like? Find out fo yo self! But no sunshine of my love for ‘Anyone For Tennis’? That would’ve been nice.

• Hugh Jackman looking at Rachel Weisz in the snow!!?@!#? This IS gonna be Aronofsky’s bestest!

• Arcade Fire to re-release their ole EP. No tracks contain the word ‘neighborhood’. Not related: Synappies’ list of his flavorite NFL player names: Atari Bigby

• Celebrity tongues. Warning: the Brittany Murphy ones may blind you… unless u peep these other random ani gifs 1st!

• Tell Harry to cast a spell and make you 18 already!

• I bet on super-Earth their version of Lindsay Lohan doesn’t look like a cracked out whorebag!

• The annotated guide to BJ’s ‘We Didn’t Start The Fire’ [via MonkeyMan]

• I kinda feel sorry for the Old Kids On the Block. Hispecially the one who likes like Joel Grey ala Cabaret, avec soul patch.

• Please tell me this is true: Six minutes of exercise a week ‘is as good as six hours’. Cause I get about 12 minutes of quality hand relief every 2 hours. [via Newz of da Weird]

• Why pay to see The Island, when u can go for free (select cities). Same goes for NYCers with David LaChapelle’s Rize

• Triumph @ the Jackson Trial

• And if I ran Hollywurst, I’d make the ultimate Mask movie, starring a mishapeneded Eric Stoltz, a green Jamie Kennedy, the van-dyke-stached Jack White [via Mod], and the OG cast of The Iron Mask. This could be the bestest movie idea I’ve had since Leonard Parts I-V or that giraffe thingie.

…speaking of, how come the DVD release of the bestest Bill Cosby on an ostrich film flew completely under my Thighdar and the rest of the world’s presses? This could be the biggest DVD release since the original Star Warseses!! So don’t tom delay, buy twoday!

For a
7-Eleven
OPENING IN MANHATTAN!!!!??!
@ 23rd and Park Ave

I couldn’t believe my eyes
but del photo don’t lies
cause Slurpees® and a Big Bites®
make me wet tween mine thighs

And to my (poor) knowledge, this is the very first Sleven to grace the isle of ‘Hattan (although 4 in total are available for franchising). I really feel sorry for City folk who grew up only on bodegas. Sure, they have fine selections of malt liquor and pork rinds, but most of the stuff they sell sits around longer than a Buddha statue in the lotus position. Sleven has always been a part of my hard cock life. And I can thank my dearest mumsy for that. She never made me eat foods I didn’t like, which I think people call ‘health food’. And she always let me eat the food I did like, which I think people call ‘junk food’. Whether we were returning home from a soccer game or synagogue, there was no better lunch than the one Sleven could provide. My usual, back in the daze, was two Big Bite® dogs, covered 11 times over in nacho cheese & chili, Mountain Dew® in a REAL green-glass bottle (unless of course they offered Slurpees® wit dem MLB coins on the bottom of the cup), Cheetos® Puffballs (which no longer are sold in bags), Fun Dip (or insert other sugar-heavy candy here), and sum tang fun like a pack of cards (baseball or Garbage Pail) or a comic book (most likely G.I. Joe, Teen Titans, or Peter Porker is Spider-Ham). How bout you? What’s yer Sleven stizzle stache-izzle like John Stossel giving Tom Izzo a stache-ride? [hat tip to Chillary G for this HOT infos]

• What is wrong with you Steve Hartman?

• Keith Haring’s Pop Shop to close this September? Coney Island turning into Corny Island? What?!?! Girlhattan, thanks for ruining my pre-Passover eggstaticnessness.

• Their kids would be so boring, fugly, and have deeper voices than James Earl Jones speaking into a funnel. Maybe they can play with Dr & Mrs Zzzzz‘s future kidszzz.

• Not so ‘Good Vibrations‘. Where’s the Mike Love?

• How’d I miss the fact that Chunk attended Lebowski Fest LA (see 6th pic down)? And what’s all this 7/23 nonsense?

• Will the Hansons be the next Nelsons?

• When did Mischa go and get a ‘© Fox’ tattoo?

• Hey James Stanford, thanks for the apology, but yer still a cockmuffin and 3/4. I was honored to be your third target of yer pointless character assassinations, but you boviously didn’t do your research forkface. Sure, I may write like 3rd grader and in a huge point size, but that’s what the people (don’t) pay to read. Plus it’s Cuthbest I fancy the mostest, not Kirsten Dunst, you Dunstcap. I also found it rather comical that his apology email came from the following email address. You stinkin PoopHEAD!!! May you eat watermelons in hell with Hitler.

• Junior Senior hit up the Merc on June 23rd.

• How could anyone pass up the op to buy the new Weezer disc for $4.99??

• Is it me or does this Katie Holmes nip slip pic smell fishy to you?

• Why Pt II

• Two gems from the Mask: Abe Vigoda Status & NWA’s Straight Outta Compton, with nuttin but cuzz words!

• Qatar to Replace Camel Riders with Robots AND Police in Arizona Seek Monkey for SWAT Team??? If any of yous Hollyword peeps are reading this, lettuce make the world’s greatest script combining both of those stories, add some sorta giraffe sub plot, cast myself, Daniel-Day Lewis & HRT the II, and WHAM-o, Box Office Cash Cow!! [via Mr Thought & Pure Boy]

• For my first duty as Pope Eggs Benedict Arnold the MIXLIX’s personal bitch, he wants me to send out some birthday blessings on this 4/20, to Der Adolf ‘Watermelon Maniac‘ Hitler. Well, since I hate the bastard (not the Pope), I can’t be apart of such crapsense. Instead, I send all my b-day love to one J.D. Roth, the host of Fun House, which happens to be the 3rd greatest kid’s game show of the late 80’s, behind Double Dare & I’m Telling! [Pope pic via All Tings Christie]

• Advanced ticket sales for Revenge of the Sith are already nick goings on, but screw dat, cause wees should all be packing our hip airline bags and head to London, for a MARATHON SCREENING OF ALL SIX FILMS!

• Who knew the jackass of all jackassages was back in bidness? Scratch that!!! Anwyho, if u want to read some of his shiz, czech the cache.

• Natalie ‘Cinnabon’ Hotness + Javier Bardeemedthegreatest + Milos Formanforallseaons = CAN’T WAIT OSCAR GOLD!

• Gandalf and Doc Ock join the cast of da Da Vinci Code. So far, they’ve only one made on casting mistake: Tom Hanks.

• Salman Rushdie thinks Britney should name her baby ‘Javelin’ and other fun!

• Peep an early review of the Strangers w/Candy flick. [via Levitticus Chapter 69]

• Nicolette as Bree would have been Bad Idea Jeans.

• Speaking of those Jeans… Spaceballs The Flamethrower Cartoon

• Salma Foxx?

• I guess I’ll be going gay sooner than I thought. Btw, I think I may have to add Diego Luna to that list too. He’s juss so dreamy and always looks like he’s having the time of his life. I want him to throw tacos in my mouth all day long.

• Lettuce hope Oasis put a lil more effort into the album’s music, than they did into the artwork. Almost more zzzzzz than this.

• The Beatles were such prima donnas!

• Were you lame enuff to not buy Air’s brill-yant Talkie Walkie? Then download the whole thang!

• I’m goin to the pre-shmear, but you NYCers can see House of Wax Dat A$$ fo free! The answer to the question is ‘GILMORE GIRLS’.

• Don’t forget to keep votin’ for the short film I’m in, How To Make It In New York on $15 a Day, for Frontier Airlines’ Cloud 9 Film Festival!

• Buy some limited edition Gorillaz prints.

• Star Trek meets the Civil War [via MetaFiltertips]

• Ye olde Pop-Up books

• And I told Jared that if he keeps providing us with all this Her Royal Cuthsplurteness, I may have to name him Gran Moff Archduke of Thighland the I. So go there to see pics of Thy Lady of Thighs, but in the meantime, I gots to give a lil love to my sorta-forgotten Thighcubine, the owl-face-o-licious, Devon Aoki and two of her Sin sistahs!