Thighs Wide Shut

Chi-town, my kinda town. Probably the 6th+ time I’ve been there. It’s like Diet New York, or maybe New York Zero would be more apropos. The people are hella nice. They have a hella lotta Popeyes. And it’s quiet as all effin hella hell, and you know how quiet hella hell is (all dough, their public transit is hella wurstest and hella loud). While the weekend was more rockin than John Rocker eating his Johnny Rocket’s at the Hard Rock Cafe while watching reruns of Roc, there was one major disappointment: I was unable to meet up with Peabs (and Grambs and Grambs bro, and Grambs’ Uncle Tupelo), and thus didn’t get to eat puddin pops outta his anus while screaming John Stossel in his right ear as I stick my CAK airport in his left. Well Peabs, we’ll always have Cambodia. And that foursome with Mrs Garrett and Mindy Cohn. Enuff of the introductory paragraph and on with the snapples!!

sum of my mos flavorite entertainment things took place here:
Vice Versa
Webster
Blues Bros
The Bozo Show (dude, I totally coulda hit all dem buckets)
The Untouchables
anything by John Hughes
anything with John Candy
not Batman Begins

and mos importantly
Adventures In Babysitting
where lil Thor-lovin whore Maia Brewton
hung on to dear life on the vagina building
I loved that movie so much
that I sent a letter to each of the 4 principle actors
I got an autograph snap back from Maia and E Shue
damn you Tony Rapp and Keith Coogan!!

and how could I forget about
Al Bundy & Co

cause I totally wanted love and marriage
back in the day
w/Amanda Bearse

and the AIC
(probs 2nd bestest art musuem in America)
got the points
and gives me mad wood

and the bestest set of Hawks since Spud & Dominique

and frynally
I got my arse out to Wrigley for the first time mt everest!

with Cubs Fan #1
aka Samuel Gompers the MIXLIX
NO DOUBT

wow
the Cubs suck
even from far away

and it was even
SAVE FERRIS BARTMAN DAY

bi the gay

this is what an ‘obstructed view’ looks like

and I think I had 17963636233.4 food comas
thanks to

Lou Mal’s & their fine staff

where Cubs Fan #1
held the greatest rehearsal dinner of balls thyme
many (Dave) moons ago

Billy Goat Tavern
which is Wizard of Boviously home to the Belushi SNL skit
and many heart attacks

and now has a home in DC of balls places

Portillo’s
(cause Wiener Circle & Underdogg were too far away/closed when we were in the area)

and while the h’dogs were a bit bunk
the dipped Italian beef made up for it
and give me the best liquid shits
I’ve had since the Clinton administration

Carson’s The Place For Ribs

I’m sure there are better rib joints
but how can u diss a place that owns the url Ribs.com?

The Rock n’ Roll McDonalds
which was the coolest fast foot joint on earth
wheneth I was a kid
(one day I’ll unearth and scan snaps)
and now is a big overly-commercialized
dump hole
with no rock
and only cinnamon rolls
it’s the food equivalent
of the dumping on my childhood
that George Lucas did
when he released those three things
called prequels

how do you say ‘F&ck You’ in all dem languages?

and they took all the cool arse R ‘n’ R stuffs

and threw em in some side garage thingie

dude, who’s the fake Archie
bonin the fake Betty?

and dude, doesn’t this kinda remind you of the
autopilot from Airplane?

and dude

a white statue would never touch a black statue

and dude
this hard iron bizatch

totally gave me the finest HJ I got
since I never joined the HJ

and I heard a rumor that Lollapalooza was in town
and cause I got the early bird tix for $45 a piece
I didn’t really care to spend too many hours there

although the Raconteurs totally were mint
+ Wolfmother
and Manu Chao
but I don’t think I ever need to see
the Flaming Lips & Gnarls B again
semi-Zzzzzzz inducing
if u bask
me
maybe I’m at the point in life
where I only need to see bands once
unless Jack White’s in em
or yer mother’s in em
cause she sucks
like whatever music you like

bestages part of Lolla
was meeting up with
(sides Irish Ted and AJ Feely)
Zach De La Roachclip
who I hadn’t see in bicentennials

who has killer kicks
DO NOUBT!

then we parted ways
and then he kept calling me
but it was too loud to hear
so I kept yelling into the phone
to text me
but eventually
it was finally quiet
so I called Mr De La Roachclip’s phone
and some girl picked it up
and she’s not Mrs De La Roachclip
but some girl who found his phone
and was drunk enuff to think of the grand idea
to call one of the last numbers dialed
and thus I was reunited with DLR’s phone
and later
DLR

it was like the oddest and longest booty call of buffalo bills thyme

and this guy knobviously smelled
and totally wanted to sell me shrooms

but I told him my bathroom already smelled just fine

and that’s pretty much that

cept the dog wouldn’t leave me alone
cause he likes to be choked while m-batin
like he was Michael Hutchence or something

fin

We here at Thighs are sick of terrorists and people who love pita and hate Jews. Why do you hate Jews? Is it cause Jews control the Israeli media? Is it cause Rob Cohen makes the wurstest movies of balls thymes? Is it cause we’re secretly keeping the band Beirut from becoming bigger than Fall Out Boy, whomever the fork they are? ENUFF. All we want is peace and a piece of Sasha Cohen’s a$$, and to be hunted down by only one man, Borat [Guns N Rosenthal]. Since the UN, and the US, and the president of UTZ have been dilly-dallying and eating Dilly Bars instead of taking action on this whole Middle East thang that has escalated more than the wooden escalators at Macy’s, I’ve secretly dispatched a mos special envoy to the region to save the day. Wish our boys luck. And boys, don’t spend all yer per diem money on shawarma and 3 shekel whores

related: woman foiled by Onion article or was she?

SLOP THE PRESSES: Kate Bosworth Has Two Different Colored Eyes

Falkor’s sis slips nip [Barely NSFW]

Enuff of this is Lily Allen hot or not crap, cause there are more pressin hot or notnesseses to decide, like animated Elenaor [VID] or real Elenaor, who isn’t all that animated

You’d think carpetbagger Navratilova would be encouraging female moaning

t.A.T.u. hearts tacos

CNBC hearts seafood

Mike Bossy hearts Canadian chips

Smokey Robinson hearts soul in a bowl

the mos genius thing Chevy Chase has uddered in over a decade

Blair Warner beats kids [Per Rez]

name NY’s new lacrosse team. My suggestion was The New York Peppermint Patties

list of problems solved by MacGyver + Young MacGyver? [last via Pakula Shaker]

not coming soon to a theater near spew: Jennifer Ellison On A Plane

peace the fork out to Guy Haines’ sluty wife Miriam, who was 1/2 of Bruno’s victims in his diabolical criss-cross plan, as seen in Hitchcock’s finest work (not counting Psycho) Strangers On A Train

[1925 – 2006]

The Top 30 Game Show Hosts of All Time

Bird’s Eye View of Famous Homes

Star Wars helmets [Sea Hear]

Espacios publicitarios [Faddle Fiddle]

free passes to what will end up being the wurstest flick of the summer

another bag [Binkster]

World’s Longest Hot Dog

I Was Assaulted By This Man Who Identified Himself as a Police Officer and Refused to Provide Me Identification, Photography is Not a Crime

Fiddle Kids

Cats that look like Hitler

Muffs that look like Hitler [NSFW]

Pink Is The New Stupid [Pink Is The New Blog]

Bee Dogs [Popbitch]

a monkey playing Ms. Pacman

Egypt’s defunct Fantazy Land

no comment

and better keeps on getting butterer…

+ 2 Office webisodes for you gooing measure

+ the news of the OG UK crew cameoinging on season 3, sans Ricky G, who’s probably too busy conjuring up more Extras bordem

+ wam, bam, thank you Pam, and Puma, for these snorkin hot snaps from what who i did all this weekend!

[JJ]

coney island is my mos flavorite thing about NYC
seriously, next banging your mother in the gowanus tunnel

Tings Dat Make Me Nipples Perk

The news I’ve been waiting for since February 17, 2004: a new album in the ’07 by the band that begat Stereogum’s namesake

The Borat teaser trailer ‘officially’ hits the interwebs, for those who missed out on the shitty YouTube vershes floatin around

The Violent Femmes being added to Lolla’s line-up, which hopefully will spark a ‘Gone Daddy Gone’ a-thon, with Gnarls Barkley, who be also playin that tweakend. Choose yer flava: vanilla [d] o chocolate [d]. Bi the gay, almost a month away, and they already have the set times for every act!!

Al Cabino‘s relentless pursuit to get Nike to peddle Marty McFly’s B2TF2‘s shoes

The hottiest real Jew [NSFW] and the hottiest fake Jew un-jew it up

Ice-T’s Body Count‘s new’s and’s ‘final’s’s album’s includes’ a song called ‘F**k the Cops’. Does that mean that there’s a strong pastability that another track may be called ‘KFC Bitch’? Have fun with them this summer you zany Europeans

Mentioning many moons ago about a long lost ultra cutie from my Julius West middle school daze, who I and everyone else had a crush on, and then having her magically resurface thru Uncle Buck’s House o’ Fun… ironically wearing a Crush tee. Who said GWBush’s inventions was useless?

Lily Allen’s new websight gets the suppes (with nuttin that already couldn’t be found on her myspace page), includin nicked fotos from Dirty Music

t.A.T.u. hit out shores with their friend or faux schtick, kinduv

Free Miami Vice passes

Jack Bauer to fight bagelsmiths and pizzamakers AND the return of the It Man

The dude with the fish eyes and the 18-head sticks with TV [JJ]

Aubrey’s Thread

‘Singing For England’ [PopBitch]

The Silent Library [Mama Kass-hole]

The 5-Second Rule ruling [MasterWani]

And Whatevs & Stereoguts gettin mad propers from Entertainment Weak-Lee

Tings Dat Make Me Nipples Irk

Whatevs gettin mad propers from Entertainment Weak-Lee, but havin them cut Thighs Wide Shut from his list of personal favs. Don’t fret ma, Latin Inches said they’d publish his whole list!

Hermione Granger gettin more (jailbait) love than Ginny Weasley

Michael Jackson and his Methods and Means for Creating Anti Gravity Illusion [Pakula Shaker]

The Frat Pack Tribute

The lawnmower boy meetin Her Former Royal Thighness the VI Warshawski‘s rents

Anything involving Orlando Bloom, who went and did something with someone almost as boring as himself

The New York Mets fan celebration song, ‘Our Team. Our Time’ [The Thinker]

Microwaved tunafish

Human muppets [UNKLE]

What San Francisco artist Gilbert Baker did in 1978, thus ruining it for the res
t of us

The Lyrebird [Menyinc]

Ken Jennings’s blog

Waldo

That dang ceiling cat

And how I never willed what AT&T said I will

Keane, aka the UK’s truly bestest wanker musiq band around, are dropping a new album next month, but butter yet, dropping by the grand ole US of A around the same time for a handful of dates. Here be del info:

June 20 – San Francisco, Great American Music Hall. Presale from 10am on May 16 from www.virtuous.com. Full onsale from 10am on May 21 from www.tickets.com

June 21 – Los Angeles, Henry Fonda Theatre. Presale from 10am on May 16 through www.rag-and-bone-com. Full onsale from 10am on May 20 from www.ticketweb.com

June 23 – New York, Bowery Ballroom (!!!). Presale from 1pm on May 16 from www.rag-and-bone-com. Full onsale from 10am on May 19 from www.ticketweb.com

June 24 – Boston, Axis. Presale from 1pm on May 16 from www.rag-and-bone-com. Full onsale from 10am on May 19 from www.ticketmaster.com

June 27 – Chicago, Metro. Presale from 12noon on May 16 from www.rag-and-bone.com. Full onsale from 12noon on May 20 from www.ticketmaster.com

‘Is It Any Wonder’ [d]
from Under the Iron Sea [pre-order]