Thighs Wide Shut

– Me didn’t even think of it until today, but my flavorite author of the bowel moment and Sri Lankan resident, Arthur C Clarke, is alive and well.

– Everyone gave Gweniee & Chris Boring such a hard time for naming their baby Apple. Well, I guess ‘Nappies‘ didn’t help matters, but how come I haven’t heard one peep about Beck & Sister Ribisi naming their golden child Cosimo? Ah, who cares, at least Beck’s supposedly gonna rap on his new album.

– Add Doves to the Coachella line-up.

– Lincoln, Spielberg, Neeson. A nice.

– Bob Marley’s remains to be moved to Ethiopia. Don’t worry folks, he’ll still be surrounded by people who don’t wash their hair and smoke pot in the name of the Ja. Sounds like the life to me!

– Playboy Playmate On Trial For Assaulting Boyfriend’s Ex-Girlfriend At Nightclub. The best part of the whole story is it proves that Jeff Garcia is NOT gay. [via Fleaski]

– Is there nothing more rougher than a Jewish rapper named Cleetus Friedman who sports Washington Bullets gear from head to toe? Yeah, ANYTHING! [via Setlzer with an ‘H’]

– Speaking of the Chosen People, aren’t they/we the only peeps who should be drinking Manischewitz fine grape wines? [via Navi via IsThatLegal?]

– Fear the Turtle bracelets? First of all, no one fears playing the Terps anymore and secondly, no one fears a man/woman/child who wears a bracelet. Juss ask the bullied fat kids.

– Zack Morris, AC Slater, and Screech rapping [Qwiktime]. To some a whorrible nightmare, but to Kelly Kapowski’s lil sis, a wet dream come true. [via Double V via College Hummers]

– World’s wurstest animated gif featuring Clinton Portis can be found right here. [via Jay Bilzzzz$$]

– World’s wurstest album cover can be found right here.

– Say No To Grampa Joe

– Tr3nt, if you keep posting about J-L Spears, I’m afraid bad and dirty things might happen to myself as well as others. Please note that I didn’t say stop. And to help us get our minds outta the gutter, here’s a collage of Her Royal Thighness The II proving that you don’t have stop wearing white after labor day… hispecially if you hail from the supple lands of Nepal.

It’s disheartening to report this, but I may be the sole blogger in the Northern and/or Southern Hemisphere who reserved space on their site for musings about the series finale of The Rebel Billionaire: Branson’s Quest for the Best. Not only that, but I bet me, Juwanacurred, and Cousin DJ ‘Too Tall’ Jones, were the only people to have (love) actually watched every episode. We had to be! I mean, the show was getting shat upon on in the ratings by Gilmore Girls for cryingoutsows.

And what vexes me more than Joaquin Phoenix saying ‘It vexes me‘ in Gladiator is that no one (love) actually watched every episode. In this epoch of wretched fantasy TV shows, Rebel Zillionaire stood head & shoulders & pert plus above the rest. Sure there weren’t any crazy/beautiful/sexy/cool contestants (cept me would like to take a peep at Jess McCann‘s cans), buttt it’s awesomeness, cleverness, challengingness, and loch and elliott ness made the The Apprentice look as lame and tame as an episode of Shirt Tales. And it also comes right down to the fact that Sir Richard Branson is so much more mad iller yo than Donald Trump.

If you had to choose who to sleep with, it would be even less of a contest than choosing Desperate Haaswives over 24. Anywho, major congrats to zany Mormon Shawn (owner of LoveSac & this woman), who not only mcnabbed a cool mil-dough, but 3 months as co-prez of Virgin ashlong side Sir Perfect Hair, and possib-drew-bly the opps to run one of his dumpier subsidiaries… I’m looking in yer di-erection Virgin Cola. Since their won’t be a season two, may I heavily re-suggest that the Broccoli family tap Sir Richard to play Bond in the next installment. I guarantee more box office buxomness than Aquaman: The Movie.

– Borat Sagdiyev sighted in Salem, VA?

– Sarah Jessica Parker has finally found a project that’s more fitting for her tisgusting ogre face: Shrek 3

– Beckham Lookalikes To Marry. And you thought our news was wiggty wiggty whack.

– Have you ever remixed or covered ‘Army of Me’? Well, Björk wants em all!

– Tesla, yes, that five man acoustical jam band who loathed to read signs, are hitting the road. They shitstop in NYC on March Furst @ Irving Platz.

– Not a good time to be bad in tha ACC.

– GoldenFiddle.com is NOT dead, but juss back in the shop to be re-stringed. Hurry back now great Fiddler, cause me, him, and him, can’t keep up the hotness alone.

– Beware of garbage on 4/11.

– You can’t truss CBS no mo, so wees gotta turn to people who know what they’re talking about, like Norman Chad, aka the Couch Slouch. No one asks the hard hitting questions that hit closer to home than Sir Slouches-a-lot. Take for instance this query he quipped in his splendid article on bowling & America, ‘Bowling is a better life. In fact, given a choice between bowling a 220 game or dating Jennifer Garner, Halle Berry and Lindsay Lohan on consecutive nights, I have six words for you: “What size shoes do you need?‘ Well, since I’m an alum of the Lebowski Fest and already have a 231 under my belt, I’m free to hit the town and dem skins anytime me wants. But the rest of you need to strap on yer wrist braces, pour on the talc, and roll yer balls off. [via the great Joe E Steak Tartare]

– Lindsay Lohan walks thru LA airport in her jammies. Is this what pilots wet dream of? And while we’re questioning things, do androids dream of electric sheep?

Want something a lil LL hottier?

Clit Click

– Congratzi to Wade Bogglechampion and Ryne Doucheberg on being the newest inductees into MLB’s HOF. And big ups to the 2 people who voted for Tom Candiotti. By the lay, who the jordie la forge names their kids Wade or Ryne? I mean, you can use both those names in a really bad sentence, like, ‘Wade ryne here til I’s gets back now, yous hears?‘ Them names make Espn, as a kid’s name, sound almost normal! ALMOST! Semi Boggs related link: Don’t worry yer lil heart out Madame Twoswabbs, these people don’t know their wax figures from their wax holes!

– If you can rent out The Fridge or Corky, of course you can Rent-A-Midget. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Posh spice has had 3 boob jobs? Tell me more!

– Star Wars Tres may go all PG-13 and shit on us. Rumor has it cause there’s this scene where Jar Jar gives Watto a glass bottom boat (where you place saran-wrap over someone’s face and then take a dump on their face). Anywho, who knew that after all these years, Billy Dee was still one smoothe mothersticker? Doesn’t hurt that he’s surrounded by a pack of white people. [via Double Veester/Thigh Master imposters]

– Beck’s new album delayed til March. Let the Anti-Beck-Alley-Abortion protests begin!

– It must hurt when a brother of a Backstreet Boy sez yer singing is udderly whack. It must hispecially sting when said person was also yer former flame AND also dated yer biggest rival. Too bad for said person that in 10 years time, he’ll be sucking cock for nickels.

– WWJLLAAB (What Would Jesus Look Like As A Boy)? [via Nipsy Newbular]

– The future always sounds better in the past. I mean, who doesn’t want to drive a hovercraft?

– Everyone most flavorite fooball team, The Washington Redskins, already know who they’re playing next year. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say they’re going 16-0.

– Don’t forget about The Gates, coming soon to a gigantic public park (possibly) near you!

– Police Say Man Rages Over French Fries

– Catchdubsdotcom, now with 100% less Orko and 40% better link color legibility. I guess you take the good with the bad, and the ugly.

– I have the body of an adonis, and a D that makes Ron Jeremy look like a cloned hybrid of a disemboweled Jeremy Sisto (pre “Moonlight and Valentino,” snatch) and Rainbow Brite wearing a fucking strap-on dipped in au jus. That being said, I have decided that my New Year’s resolution will be to simply continue being fucking wonderful. What the fizzle does this rizzle mean? I dunno, but 2005 will toast def be The Year Of Peabs.

– And just for jizz and giggles, by way of The Scrappy Hapster, we give you this thang…

I know we’re less than 4 years away from choosing our next President, but may I offer you a candidate with no eggspeareance or qualifications twatsoever, yet has the gift of impersonation that rivals the bill paying skills of Phil Hartman and Fletch: LEWIS V. SILLS. What, you’ve never heard of Lewis V. Sills, of Elkridge, MD? Why over the past month alone he pulled off some of the mos deft string of wire transferring of cash scams in our lifetime. It’s not just that he hoodwinked Redskin legend Darrell Green & Campbell’s Chunky Soup pitchman Donovan F. McNabb out of 1.5k combined, but how he did it… by convincing them over the phone that they were other NFL players who were in need of some qwik-a$$ed cash! This is how I imagine how the phone calls went (some facts were used and crap was used to fill in the rest)…

Lewis V. Sills calling all around good guy Darrell Green pretending to be Ravens’ LB Peter Boulware:

LVS: Yo, Darrell! Wassup dawg? It’s yer boy Pete Boulware!

DG [confused]: Uh, hi Pete.

LVS: How are things at the United Way and yer daughter Jarrell?

DG [still confused]: Uh, great. We’re just opening up a whole new center in…

LVS [interrupting]: That sounds great Darrell, but my cousin Lewis Sills’ has been having a lot of financial problems lately, like feeding his baby’s mama appetite for bling.

DG [still still confused]: I see.

LVS: Yeah, uh, well, can you like wire him $900 bones to a Super Fresh grocery store in Elkridge, Maryland?

DG [at this point udderly bewildered]: Uh sure, I’ll get right on it.

Lewis V. Sills calling McNabb posing as Redskins’ scrub WR and former teammate of D Mc, James Thrash:

LVS: Yo, Donnie Mc! Wassup dawg? It’s yer boy from the way day, James Thrash!

DMc: Uh, hey Thrash. What’s going on fool? I’m a lil busy slurping down some delicious Chunky Noodle Soup.

LVS: I hear ya, yo. But I got a qwik ass favor to ask.

DMc [while slurping soup]: Shoot.

LVS: Look, I know I have a multi-million dollar contract, but I need some money mad fast so I can pay for my baby momma’s baby’s birthday party at Chuck E Cheeseses. Can you spare $600 clams, yo?

DMc [so puzzled by that request that he puts down his bowl of soup]: Look Thrash, we haven’t talked all year, cept when me and T.O. were talkin smack when we whooped up on yer sorry a$$ Skins both times this here year, but now you come a knockin looking for some bills?

LVS: Look I know it this sounds crazy, but I know you sleep with the head of Campbell’s Soup and I’ll go public if you don’t pay up.

DMc [frightened like a grown-up near any of the Children of the Corn]: Uh sure, Thrashikins. Tell me where to go and when.

LVS: Thanks Donnie. You we’re always the hiz-niz-shiz. Wire that stizz to the Super Fresh grocery store in Elkridge, Maryland…

Lewis V. Sills calling Warren Sapp, claiming to be Laveranues Coles, who to my knowledge, has no connection with Sapp:

LVS [sounding like a seasoned vet]: Yo, Sappy! Wassup dawg? It’s Lasverneous and I need for you to wire me 18 Ben Franklins to the Super Fresh grocery store in Elkridge, Maryland.

WS [angry, in the Sapp way]: Who the f&%k is this?

LVS: It’s Lasverneous Coles.

WS [gettin snippy]: If this is Laveranues Coles, then how come you call yourself Lasverneous?

LVS: Look, I need some qwik ass cash or my ass is deader than the dead presidents that I need for you to wire me.

WS [very skeptical of caller]: Hold on a sec.

[Warren then proceeds to call his financial manager, Jeff Rubin, discusses what just occurred and both agreed that the dude on the phone was not bona fide. Rubin then wires $525 and notifies the local police dept]

WS [returns to phone ]: Uh sure, Lasverneous. It will be there. PEACE!

Our story ends with our candidate in ’08, Lewis V. Sills, showing up at his favorite grocery store in Elkridge, MD, mcgrabbing the cash. Then moments later, the boys in blue arrived, attempted to arrest him, he ran, then fought with officers, before finally being detained and arrested. He later was released on bail. The Keystone Kops of Elky, MD broke open the case by learning of the Green and McNabb mcswipes, and two days after that Sills was arrested again for doing similiar scams to other peeps. Leonardo DiCaprio has already bought the rights to Sills’ story and will star as Lewis V. in a biopic to be directed by Jean-Luc Godard. Btw, Beverly Sills could not be reached for this story or a sudden wire transfer of monies.

First and foreskinmost, our first fork job goes out to homosexual people lover/sack machine, Reginald White

1961 to 2004

Instead of speaking on behalf of a man I hardly knew, I’ll let Reg do all the talkin’ here… from a lil speech he gave to the Wisconsin state legislature (that Mr Joe E Tata thankfully reminded me of):

When you look at the black race, black people are very gifted in what we call worship and celebration. A lot of us like to dance, and if you go to black churches, you see people jumping up and down, because they really get into it. White people were blessed with the gift of structure and organization. You guys do a good job of building businesses and things of that nature and you know how to tap into money pretty much better than a lot of people do around the world. Hispanics are gifted in family structure. You can see a Hispanic person and they can put 20 or 30 people in one home. They were gifted in the family structure. When you look at the Asians, the Asian is very gifted in creation, creativity and inventions. If you go to Japan or any Asian country, they can turn a television into a watch. They’re very creative. And you look at the Indians, they have been very gifted in the spirituality.

2nd and secondmostest, to les Redskins, who no longer grace the

playoff race list. That’s so friggin race-ist. We still love ya Gibbsy, and yes, even you Daniel Snyder. Keep spending.

3rd rockfromthesunest, to my eyeballs for peeping 5 movies since last Wednesday. Full reviews won’t be posted until 2005, so here’s a jist(ta-fy my love) of dem…

Fockers – not too funny, a lot of retread, and more ‘Focker’ jokes than one can handle in a two-hour span, but somehow still a highly entertaining piece of work.

Hotel Rwanda – one of the year’s breastest. plain and simple.

Aviator – good, not great, but hey, beats Gangs of New York anyday. I’m a lil irate they didn’t cover the last years of his life, which all of us want to see more than anything. Biggest shoe-in for Best Supporting Actress: Can you say Cate Blanchett as Katharine Hepburn? Can you say CB be finest female actor in the bidness?

Lemony Snizzle’s Series of Something or Others – one of the mostest beautiful looking movies I’ve ever seen. Right up there with Neverending Story, Princess Bride, Harry Pothead the III, or any Tim Burton jounks. Jim Carrey is sniztacular and although she’s only like 6, I’ve got future dibs on Emily Browning. There’s just something about fish-net sleeves that get me all eggcited.

Phantom of the Opera – well, at least the music was good, and looking at JenniferEllison was a nice.

and fourth and tenmostest, I’d live to peace the fork out myself, as I head to Jamaica with family Thighs. I’ll try and post, but I may be too busy czeching out the scenery greenery. In the greenwich meantime, Mr Thought will kindly keep you posted. 2004 kinda blew, so I’ll see you sukkah mcs in 2005. I loves you alls more than yule ever know. X’s and Ho’s, and in Cuthbert we lust and thrust…