Thighs Wide Shut

• Ronald McMolester joins Cookie Puss(y) in the land of sell-outdom. Low-Culture anal-izes THAT!

• Axel F & Tarantino, a more unlikely combo than tuna fish & Yankee Candle. [via The POOONmaster]

• Brett Ratner Not Easing My Fears

• Nice try Danny, but NOTHING could save the tripestain that was The Beach. Not even Virginie Ledoyen semi-nude in water. Speaking of, why has Hollywurst turned its back on the hottiest French thang of the late 90s? Have they not seen these other screencaps of her nekkid? And no, gettin her to co-star alongside Ron Livingston and Chris Penn doesn’t count! [2 outta 3 are NSFW]

• Coldplay‘s stoopid album art has been explained. Could be the biggest let down since Crystal Pepsi!!

• Drew Rosenhaus talks TO on PTI, and in the process reveals how big of a quiche bag he truly is.

• Wanna make Ken Jennings suffer? Stick em on a ferris wheel.

• Don’t import, juss ‘sample’ Coral’s The Invisible Invasion

• And here’s some soundtracks galore for yer thIghPod: Karate Kid, The Princess Bride, Garden Snoooze, Heavenly Creatures, Requiem for a Dream, 5th Element, and one of my all thyme flavorites STDKs, About A Boy

• Related: is this the REAL The Karate Kid?

• Not Related: woman farting on TV

• Ever wonder what Robert Plant would look like ironing on stage? Wonder solved. [via Z de la R]

• Whatever Happened to Polio? And why did the pollo cross the road?

• Maria Sharapova Chuggin a Bottle

• THOSE GREEDY WHAMMIES!

• Bless the person searching for ‘tara reid skankbot’. But how did ‘skankbot’ join the vernacular? Was it the Buffy episode in ’01 where Warren turned women into sex slaves, while Buffy & Spike gotz raw like they was in Monster’s Ball [peas give clickage to see the CENSORED Buffy/Spike hotness, avi file stizzle]? Read part of the script for proof.

• No hot chicks down here today, even though it is ex-Queen of Naboo/possib HRT the III/Natty Portman’s 24 b-day (as well as Freddie Highmore’s 13th, Johnny Depp’s 42nd, & Michael J Fox’s 44th), but juss a pic of world champ Hans Gassner, who juss won the freestyle full beard category at the recent Beard Olympics in Leogang, Austria. Brother still got some mountains to climb if he wants to beat this dude @ the World Beard & Mustache-A-Thon in Berlin this ROCKtober!! [via Synapster]

No, but the schedule for next year has been announced! And although I love watching fooball anytime, anyplace, underwear, I think I may have to kill myself with a lethal tunafish juice injection after watching the Patriots EIGHT TIMES on National TV! But who fargin cares about them, since the team of destiny, aka The BESTskins, are going 16-0*!!! Hey Joe G, how would you rank your squadron of such awesomnessness?

Sunday, Sept. 11: Chicago Bears, 1 p.m. ET
Monday, Sept. 19: @ Dallas Cowboys, 9 p.m. ET
Sunday, Oct. 2: Seattle Seahawks, 1 p.m. ET
Sunday, Oct. 9: @ Denver Broncos, 4:15 p.m. ET
Sunday, Oct. 16: @ Kansas City Chiefs, 1 p.m. ET
Sunday, Oct. 23: San Francisco 49ers, 1 p.m. ET
Sunday, Oct. 30: @ New York Giants, 1 p.m. ET
Sunday. Nov. 6: Philadelphia Eagles, 8:30 p.m. ET
Sunday, Nov. 13: @ Tampa Bay Bucs, 1 p.m. ET
Sunday, Nov. 20: Oakland Raiders, 1 p.m. ET
Sunday, Nov. 27: San Diego Chargers, 1 p.m. ET
Sunday, Dec. 4: @ St. Louis Rams, 4:05 p.m. ET
Sunday, Dec. 11: @ Arizona Cardinals, 4:05 p.m. ET
Sunday, Dec. 18: Dallas Cowboys, 1 p.m. ET
Saturday, Dec. 24: New York Giants, 1 p.m. ET
Sunday, Jan. 1: @ Philadelphia Eagles, 4:15 p.m. ET

* more like 9-7

Back to your regularly scheduled diarrhea…

• Lohan pumping up the volume?

• I’m not much of an actor, but I did have a brief part in the short How To Make It In New York on $15 a Day (and no, Rachael Ray was not involved). Anywho, that short has been selected for the Cloud 9 Film Festival (what?) which is part of the in-flight entertainment on Frontier Airlines (who?)!! And you can not only vote for it DAILY, but peep it too (look for me round 11 minutes or so in)! Watch out Jude Law, your ass is mine grass!

• There’s only once choice for next year’s Oscar emcee, and his name is snot Ellen DeGeneres.

• Penelope Cruz loves camels and their toes?

• Why Canada’s version of Time Magazine is hipper than thous…

• I heard Al Gore invented boring TV aimed at 18-34 year-olds.

• Madonna gets the axe from Guy’s next film. I wonder why…

• Jury’s still out on Mischa Barfon’s new do.

• What would a Eminem/Elijah Wood crossbreed look like? This (beware of audio that may make u want to cut off yer ear, Gogh of van style). [via Spin Doctors Fan #1]

• Amanda Bynes is jarig.. en nog mooier! Sure Daan, whatever you say.

• World’s greatest Tom Selleck playing volleyball poster? I dare you to find another. And well, if you do, can you mail it to me? Please?

• Bill Murray rules

• Wrap up of April Fools 2005

• Breastfeeding GAMES? [SFW WTFness via Monkey Men]

• Red Rider Leg Lamps [via Synappy Blur]

• Every time you masturbate… [SFW via Richie Richard The Asianhearted]

• And not even a stoopid elephant costume can uglify Natalie Portman.

• Which mooovie director still maintains a beard so it can help hide his super-obese neck? If you can’t figure it out from the picture, maybe this equation will help: his Neck Size is in Inverse Proportion to the Quality of his Films.

• Congrats to les Twerps for somehow gettin invited to the tournament of tournaments.

• Pulp, not dead yet!

• If Guy Ritchie ever wants to win an Oscar like Sean Penn did, he’ll have to ditch Madonna like Sean Penn did.

• Next Bond flick to be more classy, less Cleesey, and Tarantino won’t ever shut up.

• What do De La Soul, Salt-N-Pepa’s ‘Push It’, Deborah Harry, Ike Turner, Shaun Ryder, MF Doom, and Dennis Hopper all have in common? They’re going to be on the year’s breastest album: Gorillaz’ Demon Days.

• Dolly Parton gropes Sandra Bullock in the name of cinema.

• Terry Reid to play Glastonbury this summer. Tara Reid to gargle jizz this evening.

• The line-up for this year’s Tribeca Film Fest is up.

• Somebody please arrest Hilary Duff… she’s missing an ‘l’ in her first name.

• There’s nothing better than a chocolate dipped cone from the DQ.

• Andy Rooney teaches you how to weed thru yer mail.

• I am – Sheryl Crow is Naked (NSFW)

• One in three dads try breastmilk. The other two prefer tossed salads.

• Dirty boobies are the new side boobs…

I HAKE You so much Twerps!

How do you beat Boouke twice &
lose to dem lowly Les Tigres thrice?

To hell wit da madness…
Is it football season yet?

• I’m no fan of Family Guy (it’s like an 16th rate Simpsons in my book), but many of yous may drool at this news: Family Guy Live, 2 shows in LA and 4 in NYC this April, which will include live readings of a classic episode, a special live performance from the eagerly anticipated Family Guy Live in Vegas comedy album, a sneak peek at the first new episode in 3 years, and a Q & A with the cast and creators of the series. Presale begins today at 10am EST and the password is ‘FREAKINSWEET’. Click here for LA and here for NYC. And please, don’t waste space in the ‘Speak Easy’ tellin me its a good show. I have better things to do like donate my grundle hair to science.

• Add Donavon Frankenreiter, Pinback, The Locust, Armin Van Buuren, and Gratitude to the Coachella leest.

• From the director of Saving Silverman and the writer of Eight Crazy Nights comes: THE END OF NAPOLEON DYNAMITE’S ACTING CAREER

• Gorillaz new album to be unveiled at SXSW?

• Officially the dumbestist Jewish shirt ever.

• Cuthbert, apparently likes to eat AND drink AND be the same room w/Dylan McDermott.

• Willis-Lohan grope fest = who cares.net

• Lohan’s neck + odd red splotches = wtf?

• Boo

• Boo Williams

• Boo Radley

• Boo Berry

• Why are people afraid of clowns? Even P Diddy?!

• The Gates to be recycled into candy corn?

• Peace the fork out to Nicole DeHuff, the bloody-nosed victim of Gaylord Focker’s pool volleyball super spikin’ skillz.