Thighs Wide Shut

When it comes to television, we dunno shit from shinola, but that aint gonna stop us from trying to finger out which of these new non-reality based shows will mos likely get axed before the end of the year. I bet this woulda been a heckuva lot mo fun when the WB and UPN were separate entities of poopstacks. Anywho, without further Freddy Adu…

Back to You – Fox’s newsroom comedy, where Frasier meets Raymond‘s Bizatch, has the best shot at longevity. And if they run outta story ideas, they can juss bring Niles on as the new movie critic, or rip off ye olde episodes WKRP. Not like anyone would care, or know the difference. Odds of being canceled this season? 1000/1

Private Practice – pretty ballsy to create a spin-off after only 3 seasons of Gayhater’s Anatomy, but if there can be 3889123774 CSIs, then I guess there can be 12381283 doctor shows! Juss be thankful that ER never spun-off into some poop like Lockhart To Lockhart. Odds? 500/1

Cane – I think this show is about Jimmy Smits doing stuff with a goatee, with like hot chicks like everywhere. Well, he earned rave reviews at my sister’s wedding, so it’ll be up to the citizens if Cane survives or not. I say they do. Odds? 100/1

Bionic Woman – Tina Turner once sang, ‘We Don’t Need Another Hero’, but don’t tell that to NBC, who will probably greenlight a thousand more superhero shows if this one succeeds. But if CW’s Aquaman fizzled, even with Ving Rhames AND Lou Diamond Phillips, is there hope for the BW? Well, Michelle Ryan aint no Lindsay Wagner, but then again Lindsay Wagner wasn’t no Robert Wagner neithers. Odds 75/1

Dirty Sexy Money – wurstest title since Eastern Promises, but look how good that turned out to be, eh? DSM easily has the mos bangable cast of the fall (well, actually in the male dept). Isn’t that worth something? Or will this go the way of other elite NYC family snoozes, like Central Park West? Odds? 69/1

Pushing Daisies – the more Barry Sonnenfeld directed TV shows, the butter. It certainly looks like a cool show, but isn’t it Tru Calling w/o the hot bod of Count Dooku’s daughter Eliza? Odds? 50/1

Gossip Girl – still pining for Marissa Cooper? Yeah, me too and the breastest tits gonna get is Josh Schwartz’s next joint about private school kidz doing stoopid stuff like things AND stuff!! On any other network, this would last maybe 8 episodes at most, but c’mon, it’s the CW. Odds? 30/1

Cashmere Mafia – it’s Sex and the City all over again, cept with 100% less horseface!! Odds? 55/2

Life – Damian Lewis is a fine actor, but was he really the right choice for the TV version of the Eddie Murphy/Martin Lawrence flick from the ’99? Odds? 25/1

Women’s Murder Club – Angie Harmon has come a long way since her Baywatch Nights days (like wasting her time inJason Sehorn‘s bed), but she’d be better of wearing a swimsuit here than donning a trenchcoat in this sure to be bore fest. Odds? 20/1

Chuck – what if Jim Halpert talked more AND helped to save our country? That’s what NBC is hoping yer wondering in this other Josh Schwartz show that’s helmed by McG. In theory, this show sounds like it rocks the cash-bar, but the name is beyond meh. Good luck Chuck. Odds? 39/2

Viva Laughlin – Cop Rock with Shelly Johnson. If you know what that means, maybe you’ll be a bit intrigued. If you don’t, you won’t be tuning in anywayz. Odds? 18/1

Journeyman – don’t spank me wrong, I heart Lucius Vorenus more than Titus Pullo does, but if Rome can’t be built in a day or last two seasons, how will this catch on with viewers? Odds? 12/1

Samantha Who? – more like Who CARES! Odds? 10/1

K-Ville – Anthony Anderson as a policeman patrolling the ravaged streets of New Orleans? Nice work Fox. What’s next? Roberto Benigni working at the Ground Zero construction site? Odds? 9/1

Reaper – don’t fear this Kevin Smith TV series, cause I bet it’ll be mo entertaining than Chuck, and it stars a mog (a half-man & a half-dog)! Or it could end up being as ‘entertaining’ as Clerks 2. Run for the hills at the first sign of a donkey show joke. Odds? 8/1

Life Is Wild – they shoulda taken the money they spent on this show and sent all 3 of its viewers on a Disney’s Animal Kingdom vacation. Odds? 15/2

Caveman – does anyone expect this one to succeed? It’ll be replaced midseason by an Aflac duck dramedy. Odds? 7/1

Moonlight – it airs on a Friday. Even people who stay at home on Friday nights don’t watch network TV. Odds? 7/2

The Big Bang Theory – I lost all hope in this one when I found out it wasn’t about the guys behind the Bang Bus Odds? 2/1

Aliens in America – think American Dreamz, with even more zzzzzzzzzzzzzz! Odds? 1/1

Eastern Promises
Russian Dressing For Success
Trailers & Mo

David Cronenberg looks to have found his muse in the shape and form of Viggo Mortensen. The two first ‘wowed’ audiences together with ’05’s A History of Violence (we found it a bit too overrated), and they’re going to do it again here with Eastern Promises (this time around, I’m on the ‘wowed’ side of thangs). The story, by Dirty Pretty Things scribe Steven Knight, is purty straightforward (nice girl nurse Naomi Watts gets sucked into a Russian mafia underground world and has trouble getting out), but I was able to immerse myself a heck of a lot more here than with Violence. Spankfully, there’s no over the top Pacinoesque performance weighing the film down, like what William Hurt added (actually ‘subtracted’ would be a better word) from Violence‘s final act. Instead, what we are treated to are 3 very diverse actors (American Mortensen, Frenchie Vincent Cassel and the always scary German Armin Mueller-Stahl) making us easily believe that they’re all crooked Russian mobsters takin care of bidness in the side of London you don’t see on a postcard. While I won’t bother peppering this film with redonkeylous ‘masterpiece’ blather, I will say that you’ll find little wrong with this gem of a picture. And that’s a western promise!

IMDb Sweeney: Sinéad Cusack, who plays Watts’ mum, in real life is Jeremy Irons’ bizatch. The two have appeared together in the films Stealing Beauty and Waterland, as well as 2 TV movies and a mini-series

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

Silk
Not So Smooth Sailing
Trailer

It has taken director François Girard 9 long years to follow-up on his mos delightful film Red Violin. How fitting a time frame, cause that’s about how long in felt to watch his latest, Silk. Mord oh lighty, there isn’t a cocoon big enuff in this world to save you, me and everyone we know from this gigantor snoozefest. I’d rather watch a 24 part documentary on silk production than sit thru this tale about a French silkworm smuggler, who travels to the untouched by white man lands of Japan, falls in love with a native, returns home, pines for the girl, returns to Japan, returns home, zzzzzzzzzzzz, etc, more zzzzzzzzz, and some more etc. The grade-A(cting) chops of Alfred Molina, a few nude scenes with Keira Knightley and the majestic scenic beauty of Eurasia, all deserve a better movie than this. And can someone please explain to me how Michael Pitt continues to get cast in film after film, and by such grape directors as Bertolucci, van Sant, Shyamalan, Abel Ferrara and Larry Clark? Outside of aping Kurt Cobain and raping Hedwig and his/her music, he has shown about as much talent as the mayor of Talent, Oregon. I think he should be forced to compete on NBC’s America’s Got Talent before he lands another role

I Still JO To You Knightley: for someone with boobs the size mosquito bites, tits still nice to see Keria Knightley show em so often [NSFW]!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit My Snoozing Eyes Out Repoopulous

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Halloween
Bobbing For Awfuls
Trailer & Mo

Slain and pimple, a horror movie’s main objective is to scare. Mothing nore, lothing mess. Director Rob Zombie seemed to toss that rule of dumb straight outta the window when he took a giant dump on John Carpenter’s original masterpiece. His reimagined Halloween (released in September? how timely!) is about as scary as a unicorn sliding on a rainbow and about as original as about 99% of the blogs on the interwebs. What more do you need to know? This movie sucks worser than UPN’s ye olde roster of programming (yes, The Mullets and Homeboys in Outer Space included). I pity poor Grima Wormtongue and Alex DeLarge, who try to add a little bit of class to this otherwise school in summer poop-a-thon

Is Nothing Scared Sacred?: if you (s)care to waste yer time with one pointless horror remake, remake it The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning [TWS.org review]… which technically isn’t a remake, but hey, anything’s butter than Van Wilder In Amityville [TWS.org review]

Daeg Gonnit: lookin for the perfect gift for someone with the taste of crepe paper? Endless autopraphed Daeg Faerch (young Michael Meyers) crap awaits!

Dirty Harris: scream princess Danielle Harris aint no stranger to Michael Meyers, as she previously played his niece in both Halloween 4 AND 5. And oh, she is a niiiiiice!!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Brett Ratner NOT voted greatestistest director of all time

Ewan McGregor agrees, George Lucas is the new Brett Ratner

and apparently George owes this dude’s sister some money… maybe he can pay with Captain Eo movie props!

Zeptember may bypass Rocktober and go straight to November

Ebert’s missing thumbs

Madison’s square garden (read: vagina) gets between Cuthbest and her Ranger

whomever put Hayden Panettiere in that outfit is my hero [UMC]

a doggy do: buy me the Conchords DVD, which hits streets a day before me b-day

a doggy don’t… miss:

Rosamund Pike is soon to be Mrs British Director Who Wears Red Sunglasses

Superman Donovan lets some sunshine in on his take of Weeds‘ ‘Little Boxes’ theme

Paul McCartney totally bags chicks that you’ve probably JOed to, cept maybe Renee Smellweger

Maggie Gyllenhaal Lingerie Pictures Are Not Sexy

20 Big-Time Plot Twists, sadly not including Haute Tension‘s, which is one of the best wurstest ones mt FUJIest

Springfield trying to figure out what to do with ‘the hand’

here lie the two mos pimpinest Alex Trebek pics

[Tim’s TV Thing]

I dunno if this is really Martina Hingis, but I’d totally let her paddle my balls [NSFW]

the single mos important link for any football fan wonderin what awful games will be shown in their household, hispecially if they is not from the area originally (I’m stuck with the Jets AND the Giants for 17 weeks, so please shoot me in the head) [Guns n Rosenthal]

Top 25 Best Selling Video Games Of All Time

classic NES games, dunn up Warrick Lego stizz [Spencer For Hires Root Beer]

Pitchfork Gives Music 6.8

Kewlopolis, the city where all the kewl kids totally rawk out, yo!

MadLibs on the web… be sure to use ‘poopstain’ as a noun

for the last first time, we are not affiliated with Derya’s myspace page or Bill Murray [2nd one from J$]

and lookin for the world’s wurstest mini-games based off one of the world’s wurstest movies ever created by a human being? spanks to Warner Bros, they put all dem Death To Smoochy games in one place!