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The Baird's Tale

Twitter may not be for you, but let we tell you believers-non out there, Twitter rulez. sure, we dream daily about receiving HJs at the hand of the NSFW friendly/lovely Diora Baird, but those are juss crack pipe dreams that will never become a reality… or will they?

spanks to Twitter, we gave her tweet props (she’s really funny on top of being wicked hotttt), she read said props, and 15 minutes slater hactually expressed her gratitude in return, and left the door open (and left our pants down) for future misadventures. anything is possible! our future’s so bright that we gotta wear shades!! we’d like to see anyone try and get that to happen with a fax or telegraph machine!! eat it you pseudo-Mennonites! we predict that Ms B & us will be the very first couple of Twitter. we’re gonna ask Rainn Wilson to ad-minister the wedding ceremony, Neil Diamond to perform at the party, and let our good friends Seth Meyers, Ethan Suplee, Joel Stein, and Yakov Smirnoff say a few words before we depart on a life together filled with HJs!! HJs!!!!!

UPDATE!!!

SHE SAID YES(????)!!!!

pee es – The Bard’s Tale on Apple IIe totally kicked glass!!

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Sweet Red-Headed Stepchild O' Mine


we went bananas for Skins Season 1 and bonkers for Season 2, but had our doubts about Season 3 [watch the wicked series tease], hispecially since they kicked out the old beloveded crüe (cept for effin cutiepie Effy Stonem) and brought in an entirely new crüe, but after watching the fartastic first ep of the new edition on BBC America, we’re hooked like Gummy is on Fat Sam’s junk. it doesn’t hurt that the lizadies are 111% more luscious jackson, herspecially the twin redheads, Katie & Emily Finch (played by twins Megan & Kathryn Prescott), although we’ve already picked sides (you had us at pre-shower wedgie) and are all for the shy, quiet ‘doormat’ Emily, who’ll have a go at being a lezzie this season! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah yeaaaah!! (plus based on the above K&E Finch link, looks like Kathryn retains the offscreen hotness a bit mo than her sistah does)

great googly moogly is she (and her sister) a-thru-z-dorable!!!

+

Pee-Wee Herman to return to the stage!

DuckTales is awesome! [b3ta]

Sean Taylor hated fake punts

thighs.wide.shut? hardly

thiphone? it’s ‘thighphone’ you mo-rons [Paxkula Shaker]

f&ck this website

& we’d never turn the page on Page 3stress Amy G and her blowing bubbles [NSFW]

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Yo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Training Campy
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

If you were a boy and grews up in the 80s then you will mos likely revel and howl out loud in the dumb fun that is the long long long time coming live-action big screen edition of G.I. Joe. If you somehow missed out on the 80s phenomena that was overloaded with action figures, TV shows and comic books (all so so so so grrrrrrreat), then here are two reasons why you should jump in sight-unseen, head first (the head being the one in your pants)…

Sienna Miller and her cleavage as the Baroness!!!!!

unfortch for us, the Baroness didn’t bare ass!!!

and Rachel Nichols and her clevelands as Scarlett!!!!!

you might remember her as the green bizatch that Capt’n Kirk fizzle flazzed with in the new Star Trek flick

Oh what, that hot-ta-ta-ness was snot goodnov for yous? What if we told you that it was 69 thymes butter and entertaings than both Transformer flicks, and G.I. Joe didn’t have one single robot in it (remember, Megan Fox is a robot too)??? TIS TRUE!! Big ups to you poopmiester Stephen Sommers!! This refarted awesomeness even tops the refarted awesomeness that was your first Mummy movie!!! What makes Joe work hispecially so well is its awareness of how campy AND crappy it’s being, but plays it straight from start to finish (thanks to some real thespians like Christopher Eccleston as Destro, Saïd Taghmaoui as Breaker, Jonathan Pryce as the Prez, Dennis Quaid as Hawk and Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Cobra Commander… tellin ya, he’s like Heath Ledger Jr). The effects, CGI and fight scenes (the Paris bit being the forkin bomb-diggity) are so beyond belief that you end up being blown away beyond belief, while laffing all the way at its ludicrousnisity!! Sure, there are some striking similarities with Team America [St Elsewhere] and the plot borrows heavily from the world of Star Wars: epic sword fight duels (between the kick ass Byung-hun Lee as Storm Shadow and Ray Park/Darth Maul as Snake Eyes, although Snakey with leather lips was kinda odd), deeply scarred men looking for revenge (guess who?), and so on and so forth, including a trip to an underwater world (thankfully w/o the blabbering blubber that is Boss Nass), but who frakin cares? It was probably better for them to steal ideas from flicks that worked than to try and come up with new ones that woulda sucked!! Even the lughead actors (Channing Tatum as Duke, Arnold Vosloo as Zartan and Marlon Wayans as Ripcord) step up to the plate beautifully and did what them din done had to do (the corny jokes are so perfectly corny!!). And sure, there were a bunch of Joes and Cobras we would love to have seen, but with a promising first weekend box office, word has it that flavorites Tomax & Xamot, Shipwreck and Wild Bill may make it into the sequel!!! So please, czech your notions preconceived at the door, turn off your mind, drop your pants and give into this late summer sizzlin’ mastercheese! And now you know, and knowing is half the battle!!!

PSAs That Aint Ever Passé: peep 27 of the original Joe PSAs from the cartoon, which are thighlarious on their own, that is until you hear the redonk redubbed versions over at eBaum’s

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

G.I. Joe is currently yo-yoing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Utensilitis

Julie & Julia
Child’s Kid & Play
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Julia Child lead a most fruitful life, making a name for herself in introducing French cuisine to the plebeian American suburbanites in both print and later in television (do we have her to thank for Yan Can Cook and Justin ‘I gar-on-tee!‘ Wilson?), while privately maintaining a loving relationship with her cherished diplomat husband. There was one thing she always wanted, but could never have, a child (irony?). She may not have been able to procreate, but she indirectly created a monster in the form of Julie Powell. Mrs Powell was looking for a purpose in life and found it in Mrs Child’s cookbook. Since fresh creativity doesn’t really eggsist anymore, Powell made like a hip-hop ‘artist’ and sampled Child’s work into her own. The result was a blog chronicling her attempt to make all 524 recipes from Child’s Mastering the Art of French Cooking in the span of a year. Yawn. Almos more yawn is the design of her blog (her current blog aint munch butter). All talk, not bite. Well nothing screams motion picture quite like a woman’s struggle in the kitchen and blogging about it, right?

You go girl writer/director Nora Ephron tries her damnedest to turn this ‘story’ into a movie, cross-cutting from Julie’s struggles (food falls on the floor! her husband’s grows tired of her being annoying! oh my!) to Child’s own culinary education and the process of making her cookbook while living in France. Naturally, the more watchable bits revolve around Child’s life, tenzillion-fold over Powell’s. It also doesn’t hurt that Meryl Streep‘s sporting Child’s apron, and like the true artist that she is, Streep embodies her role, instead of making a parody of it (they let Dan Aykroyd do the dirty work). Stanley Tucci plays her husband Paul, and not only does an affective job demonstrating the Child couple’s perfect pairing, but also the second pairing (after The Devil Wears Prada) of he and Streep. They’re magical together, and we hope the two continue to unite onscreen again and again and again. On the other side of the flick, Amy Adams (making her second pairing with Streep as well, after the YUMcredible Doubt) is tasked with the thankless job of playing the pouty Powell, with Chris Messina having an even more thankless job of portraying the supportive hubby. Without her and her blog and her ‘troubles’, this movie wouldn’t eggist, but after further review it seems like Child’s mostly carefree life, with Streep walking VERY tall in her shoes, is so colorful and delightful that it’s worthy enuff to warrant its own film. Anywho, to all the guys out there, have no fear if yer ladies drag you to this cause the bon appétit bits well out weigh the au bon pain in the ass ones

DCeiving: like Julie Powell, you too can (cook) visit Child’s kitchen at the National Museum of American History in DC, but yer better off skipping it, cause it’s boring, and instead indulge in the cuisine of astronauts, freeze-dried ice cream, which is available at every gift shop on the Smitshonian grounds

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Cold Souls
Soul Kauf(man)ing
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Sophie Barthes‘s Cold Souls is like a more clear-headed mix of Being John Malkovich, Synecdoche, New York and Enternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. That’s quite good Charlie Kaufman company to be in for Barthes’ full length feature debut, wouldn’t ya say? The idea for the film regarding a man having his soul extracted was dreamed up from one of her own dreams, and the man in question was Woody Allen. Obviously it aint no easy task to have him star in a movie these days (guess he’s waiting for Scenes From A Mall II), so in steps Paul Giamatti, who brings his own brand of neuroticism to the playing field. In Souls G-mat plays… Paul Giamatti, a crazed actor having much trouble gettin through Uncle Vanya rehearsals, and after reading an article in The New Yorker he finds himself in a Total Recall-type lab (run by David Strathairn) where his soul will be removed and placed into a jar. His soul turns out to be the size and shape of a chickpea, and without it, he feels quite empty, especially around his well-aware wife Emily Watson, so he has the option to take someone else’s soul. After giving a troubled new soul a spin, he decides he wants his old one back, but it’s been stolen! and shipped off to Russia! by way of the soul black market! and all so some Russian dude’s aspiring soap opera actress wife (see Win-Winnick below) can get a bit of stage cred! The first half of Cold Souls is a brainy, but not too heady joy, and the second is a little more adventurous, although not as interesting as the first half, as Paul heads to mother Russia, with the help of sympathetic soul trafficker Dina Korzun, in hopes of gettin
g his soul back. It’s a mixed bag, but a rather curious one lessthenone, so you should feel free to place your hand in this bag for a lil soul II soul searching

A Win-Winnick Situation: Katheryn Winnick plays the Russian actress hungry for the soul of Al Pacino, but gets Giamatti’s instead. we all wanna play Russian and be in a mad hurry (get it, rushin’) to make sweet hand love to this kick glass Maxim babe

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

J&J creates heat in kitchens across the country today, while Cold Souls gets icy hot in NY & LA only

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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