Thighs Wide Shut

we saw 150ish flicks in the ’09
(down from 190ish last year)
and you probably didn’t
but we still luvs youes!

The Barely Legal Eighteensies

1) Hurt Locker – HURTs so good. LOCKERs even gooderer!!!!

2) Skin – this little seen/known true story got under our SKIN and you should let it do the same to yours!

3) Das Weisse Band (The White Ribbon) – the kids aint alright, and neither are their parents and neither are you if you pass on this!!

4) Il Divo – the devil is in the details and the devil is in the detailed Il Divo. whip it mmm mmm gooooood!

5) Tetro – Sofia Coppola who?

6) Avatar – who didn’t want to munch on Pandora’s box? or punch Joel Moore in the face?

7) A Serious Man – ‘the finesestest Jewish-oriented (non-Holocaust) film since The Ten Commandments. Eat yer farts out Woody Allen and Neil Simon!‘

8) Fantastic Mr Fox – Wes is more! Fooba Wooba John!

9) District 9 – fittingly #9 on our list, but Neill Blomkamp & Sharlto Copley‘s names tie for #1!!!

10) Somers Town – may the Shane Meadows grazing never end!!

11) Goodbye Solo – hello humanity!

12) Capitalism: A Love Story – Fatman returns!

13) The Road – paths of unglory!

14) Up – nobody makes a perfect first 1/3rd of a movie, and a whatevs for the other 2/3rds quite like Pixar did does!

15) Watchmen – don’t believe the pre-release hype, but do believe the post-release fact that it matched the graphic novel pourfectly!

16) The Messenger – Cheers meets Six Feet Under… not really!

17) Not Quite Hollywood: The Wild, Untold Story of Ozploitation! – the women glowed, the men plundered!

18) Broken Embraces – Almodóvar = film caviar!

Honor Blackmanable Mentions

The Blind Side, Brothers, Brüno, The Cove, Donkey Punch, Drag Me To Hell, GI Joe: Rise of Cobra, Guest of Cindy Sherman, In The Loop, Inglourious Basterds, Lymelife, Sugar, Surveillance, Two Lovers, Tyson & Where The Wild Things Are

6thishendith Anal
Thighs Wide
Movie Awards

The Death to Smoochy
Worstest Pictures
of the Year

Antichrist
Pandorum
The Boat That Rocked
Pirate Radio
& Push

The Gus van Sant
Most(ly) Pretentious
Most Overhyped
Guy Flies In Plane
Guy Lands On Ground
Guy Does Nuttin Really
Cept Meets Pilot That Look
Like Sam Elliot
Movie
For No Reason

Up In The Air

The Bare Un-Necessities/
Coulda Been A Contender

Nine
Invictus
Bronson
The Informers
Whatever Works
New York, I Love You
The Invention of Lying
&
4 Fast, 4 Furious

Trailers Worth Tractoring

The Informers, A Serious Man, Tetro, Where The Wild Things Are
A Single Man, 500 Days of Summer, 2012, District 9
& Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
and the wurst: Spinning Into Butter

Post Her
Post We
Post Haste!

& the wurstest ones

The Inland Empire
Shot On Digital Video
Film That Struck Out
Cause It Looked Like
Udder F$%king Sh@t!!

Public Enemies

Accent That Needed To Be
Axed & Sent Directly To Jail/Hell

Paul Schneider’s Scottish ‘accent’ in Bright Star
runner up down: Matt Damon in Invictus

The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
He Didn’t Like
Guy of The Year

That Guy
aka Michael Berryman
who appeared in 10ish movies
even though the Mac kid had ELEVEN credited roles in the ‘009

The Nice Try Lao Che Guevaraer

Food, Inc.
for not even remotely changing our minds
about eating yummy yet crappy yet yummy
ghetto meats made in America!

Flamingest Use of
An Angora Sweater
Since Ed Wood

Nicholas Hoult in A Single Man

Jizz Shots
Heard Round The World
That Weren’t Caused By Amber

Malin Akerman and her super-curvy NSFW a$$
in Watchmen

Bestest Flix
We Netted

Always Bet On These Lil
Shirley Temple Black
(& White) Children

Chibundu Orukwowu & Chigozie Orukwowu
Edie Martin
Max Records
Bailee Madison
Ryan Simpkins
Ella Ramangwane
Isabelle Fuhrman

Least Bangable Scary Lady
Since The Ancient Booer

the ole hag from Drag Me To Hell

Songs That Execute Butter
Than Norman Mailer’s Bong

‘Freedom Fighters’ in the Star Trek trailer
‘Somebody To Love’ in A Serious Man [d]
‘Heroes & Villains’ in Fantastic Fox [d]
‘Heartbeats (Rex the Dog Remix)’ in Donkey Punch [d]
‘All Is Love’ in Where The Wild Things Are [d]
anything by Anvil
&
‘Ass 2 Ass’ with you [empee3] in Skins
(even dough Skins isn’t a movie
but we forgot to include that tune
in our TV or Music of 2009 wrap ups)

Unintentional Porn
To Be Wild Titles

April Showers
The Box
Crank 2
Donkey Punch
Eleven Minutes
Everlasting Moments
Five Minutes of Heaven
Gentlemen Broncos
Gigantic
The Girlfriend Experience
The Horse Boy
Humpday
I Can Do Bad
It Might Get Loud
The Lovely Bones
Not Easily Broken
The Princess and The Frog
Push
The September Issue
Spread
Sunshine Cleaning
Tickling Leo
Where The Wild Things Are
Whip It
Yoo Hoo Mrs. Goldberg

Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Uzimann
Jon Eyez
Jadagrace
Victoria Stankiewicz
& Poo Poo Productions

9 Things Not Covered
In Nine, 9 or District 9

500 Zooey Deschanels
the first GI Joe tango in Paris
the Uzi spraying at the fake Gugg in The International
the plain jane-ness of Olivia Wilde’s writer/director parents
Frank Langella’s 3/4ths face making more cents
than the rest of what went on in The Box
the road of The Road
Almodóvar meets & Magritte
Matt Damon in Eddie Murphy white face
& we’ll have whatever Nic Cage was having in Bad Lt

Welcome To The House, Dolls

Naturi Naughton

Notorious

Jaime Winstone

+ the other 2 fit women of Donkey Punch

Tracey Heggins

Medicine For Melancholy

Holly Valance

Taken

Jocelin Donahue

He’s Just Not That Into You + The House of The Devil

Julianna Guill
Danielle Panabaker
& Willa Ford

Friday the 13th

李小璐
aka Li Xiao Lu
aka Jacqueline Li
aka Lu Lu

Push

Brooke Nevin

Sherman’s Way

Margarita Levieva

Adventureland

Ellary Porterfield

Sugar

Nora Arnezeder

Paris 36 (Faubourg 36)

Gal Gadot

4 Fast 4 Furious

Collette Wolfe

Observe and Report

Nicole Beharie

American Violet

Zoe Saldana

Star Trek & Avatar

Rachel Nichols

Star Trek & GI Joe: Rise of Cobra

Jessica Mas

Rudo y Cursi

Amber Heard

The Informers

Cameron Goodman

The Informers

Kimberley Nixon

Easy Virtue

Carmen Ejogo

Away We Go

Dominique McElligott

Moon

Isabel Lucas

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Minka Kelly

(500) Days of Summer

Katheryn Winnick

Cold Souls

Léa Seydoux

Inglourious Basterds

Jennifer Merrill

Taking Woodstock

Krista Allen

The Final Destinastion (3-D)

Paula Patton

Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

Beatrice Rosen

2012

Lily Collins

The Blind Side

Keri Lynn Pratt

A Single Man

Jenna Gavigan

A Single Man

Leonie Benesch

A Single Man

Alden Ehrenreich

Tetro

Sasha Grey

The Gross Experience

&

Alexandre & Philippe Haussmann

2012

Movies To Look
For In The ‘010

Ben-Hymn
Motel For Frogs
First House On The Right
Landland, starring Jesse Eisenberg
We Hate You I Love You Beth Cooper
The Year of Living Johnny Dangerously
Unnecessary Musica
l Released In December
Untitled Generic Christmas Movie
The Men Who Stare At Goatees
9 Fast, 9 Furious
lookin for a second opinion?
papa Thigh Master weighs in!

Daddy’s Long Legs
& His 13teenies

1. Hurt Locker
2. Avatar
3. Good Hair
4. An Education
5. Okuribito (Departures)
6. Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire
7. Etz Limon (The Lemon Tree)
8. L’heure d’été (Summer Hours)
9. Captain Abu Raed
10. Goodbye Solo
11. Adam
12. Away We Go
13. Everybody’s Fine
don’t forget to peep out our
’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

nekkid famous chicks of today? aint a thang
nekkid famous chicks of yesteryear? scandalous AND delicious!

spank you Joan Blondell
you Gold Digger of 1933 you
for being all shaven NSFW

we’d pet her in the park!!

old classic SFW movies like Diggers can be and should be seen at the Loew’s in Jersey City

the impossibly beautiful Chace Crawford is supposedly tapping Malin Ã…kerman‘s equally adorable sistah Jennifer

so, is it true? well, we found this on Jen’s Swedish language tinged blog, which roughly translates (and doesn’t really clear anything up) to:

Rumor Has It ..

I love it when readers write funny comments or questions. But this must surely be the sickest, ever: ‘Okay so I am practicing and checking out E-news. It will publish news on Chace Crawford and says he is dating someone, okay okay I thought. Then I tell them he is dating malin go man or yes Aker’s sister Jennifer and produce a comforters for you and your sister when you are on, which I think is a Golden Globe Award gala. Now it’s only an hour left to E-news broadcast with you, I think, or it was the Daley 10 will not remember. but my question is this Really?!’

really? huh?

or is she being tappered john MDed by Mickey Rourke??

or them d-bags from Entourage?

can we be the ones supposedly be tapping that? or perhaps juss good ole Malin? can we at least switch seats with gettin his jollies on St Nick?

and who’s tapping-z Malin & Jen’s other sister Mikaela Ã…kerman?

and are there any other hottie Ã…kermans running about that we want a craÃ…ckerman at?

India Reynolds in March’s Loaded [NSFW]

+ Lucy Pinder ‘uncensored’? [NSFW]

+ Carey Mulligan’s da was delivered by Paul McCartney’s mum?

+ Prescott twins to never work together again?

+ Hitchcock’s unseen/unfinished Holocaust documentary

+ Grace Coddington, pre-Emperor Palpatine era

+ Cameron L Jackson?

Fish Tank
Hope Sinks
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

It’s not often that a movie comes along that wows the pants off of us, and Andrea Arnold‘s second feature, Fish Tank, not only did juss that, but has continued to do so, even mo so, days after our initial, and what will probably be multiple viewings of this brilliant brilliant film (guess we gotta see her first flick, Red Road, STAT). Arnold’s hand-held, freewheeling look at a raw nerved teen stuck in nowheresville England, looking for any kind of connection, is a pure revelation, and most of its success can be credited to the novice actress at the center of it all, Katie Jarvis

A star has instantly been born, kinda like with Carey Mulligan in the similarly themed An Education, cept Mulls is a trained actor and been rising thru the ranks for years. As for the untrained Jarvis, she was famously discovered by Tank‘s casting agent when she overheard yelling at her boyfriend on a train platform. The rest is not herstory, as it will be interesting to see where this diamond in the rough goes from here. Even if she doesn’t reach any higher than this (we’re hoping that that’s not the case), this would still be considered quite the one-hit wonder

Jarvis mind-blowingly plays the temper-a-mental Mia, a 15 year old struggling to fit in at home and in the gruff world outside of it. Her whorish mother (Kierston Wareing) and annoying sister (Rebecca Griffiths) are no help, but when a man (Michael Fassbender, a fass rising star in his own right) enters the picture and her mum’s vag, everything changes, and not necessarily for the better. He seems to be the only one to get a positive rise out of Mia, and the more he sticks around, the mo their own relationship deepens, pushing things toward a messy-ickyville territory, and then things go in a whole different direction and then it all ends with Mia graduating with her own ‘an education’. You knows we love Mulligan, but gotta say that Jarvis is more deserving of being the prized pupil and head of the class, even if that class is a lower one, one that’s like school on Saturday, no class at all

Tank Girl: JARVIS! JARVIS!!!! we hearts you like mad, even if yer teeths be crooked, and yous may not be as cutie pie mcgeed as Mulligan (here’s a pic of the two together!), but who cares cause Sean Connery totes wanted to touch yer fingers and he’s lord, and Marcus Brody once got lost in his own museum and then ZARDOZ!!

fo further reading, further read this int with KJ

Verdictgo: Breast In Show!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tank is currently bubbling up in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…