Thighs Wide Shut

The Moth Diaries
Tame Sex Education
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 82 min

You’d think movies that revolve around all-girls schools should be the greatest thing ever, but the results have sadly always proven otherwise.  Off the top of our cloudy heads, we can only think of three recentish entries (Cracks, St Trinian’s and Lost & Delirious) and they all failed to live up to any possible awesomeness caused by putting nothing but girls in one place to learn… HOW TO BE HOT AND KISS OTHER GIRLS!!!!!!!  Crap, how do we save this genre!??!?!

Enter Mary Harron, of I Shot Andy Warhol, American Psycho and The Notorious Bettie Page technical awesomeness, but not exactly the mos awesomiestest of movies (if you think the American Psycho movie is awesome, you’ve obviously never read the book.  Yep, we did.  it’s one of 2 we’ve ever read besides Dianetics).  Surely Harron could take Rachel Klein‘s Moth Diaries novel and make something novel out of it, no???  She tried, but ultimately no

Moth Diaries is about girls at an all-girls school, who girl it up, and then things get crazy, sorta, not really.  There’s good girl Sarah Bolger (probably one of our moist flavorite young actresses going) and her bestie Sarah Gadon, and their other gal pals, starting a new year of wearing hot schoolgirl uniforms and messing about, BUT, this new school year’s a lot different since Scott Speedman Lily Cole arrived on campus.  Soon, friendships will be tested, girls will leave school and some people will die!!  Why?  Well, you see, Lily Cole’s not like the other girls.  She’s cold and creepy and mysterious, and scary as f%&k.  No, really, she is.  It’s humanly possible that we’ve never been more scared by an actress playing a character than we have by Cole playing Ernessa.  First off, Cole is very awkward looking in general.  She’s ungodly tall, has nightmarish eyes, and may be from the planet Uranus.  Second off, in this movie, they dyed her hair and eyebrows + darkened her eye color, so on top of what she looks like normally, which is abnormal, she’s like 999348283 times morerer abbynormal looking.  Third off, her character may or may not be a vampire, dead, a lesbian, a moth and/or a diary.  That’s a lot for her to take on, and a lot for our eyes to take in

moral of the story – haven’t really explained why this movie is juss OK and not so great, but it’s juss OK, and isn’t all that great.  It feels like a Canadian made movie, which is not so shocking cause it is a Canadian made movie.  If you don’t know what the means, it means that the movie is kinda Americanish, but there’s something not so right about it, like it was made in Canada or something.  There’s something not right about The Moth Diaries, and it’s not juss cause Lily Cole makes us not want to have eyes.  Not, not, not

Poster Haste: Moth Diaries breaks Harron’s streak of having some of the bestestest movie posters goings.  here are the previous ones

and of course, one of the GREATESTESTESTEST posters EVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVER!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Moth flutters and stutters in select cinemas this Friday, and is available on demand NOW!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Three Stooges
Funskull Numbskullery
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG | 92 min

Making a Three Stooges movie is a recipe for movie disaster, cause Moe, Larry & Curry are Moe, Larry & Curly, and no one else is.  Even when Curly Howard got a stroke and they replaced him with original member Shemp (and later those other stooge yahoos), it was never the same or as good.  So imagine if you have none of those people, but other people playing those people???  Never saw that 2000 TV biography movie with the Shield/Commish, but that trio don’ts really sound like Moe, Larry & Curly, which is kinda a dealbreaker, no?

Well, the recipe for movie disaster has been averted!!!  HOW??!?!?!?  Bobby & Peter Farrelly are a perfectly suited duo to deal with dumb movies, cause any movie about the Stooges has to be dumb.  AND they had the smarts to put non-marquee names in the GIIIIIIIIIANT shoes that had to be filled.  AND Chris Diamantopoulos as Moe, Sean Hayes as Larry and Will Sasso as Curly totally almost really make you believe that they are sorta exactly maybe Moe, Larry and Curly!!!!  While the film is certainly not a non-stop laugh riot act, it is mos certainly enjoyable from start to finish, cause it’s got the dumb dumbed up, the impersonations down pat, and all around juss captures the exact spirit any Three Stooges fan would expect from a Three Stooges movie

Plot?  Who cares!  It’s got nyuks and head slaps and hammer bonkings, and misadventures and misteradventure, and throws in Jane Lynch, Sofía Vergara, Larry David, Craig Bierko, The Jersey Shorers, a gaggle of adorable moppets + Kate Upton‘s body for good measure(ments).  We left out Jennifer Hudson from that list cause she’s got the same level of acting talent as the cast of Troll 2.  Hactually, that’s not even fair to the cast of Troll 2, cause they’re more deserving of an Oscar than her and her singing voice is ever be.  Please, everyone, stop buying her albums and maybe she’ll go away.  Seriously, she must be stopped

moral of the story – they made a Three Stooges movie that is not horrible, kinda mostly funny, and moist importanly, with its heart in the exact right place it needed to be in, which is good enuff for we, and which should be good enuff for you!

CC her!: we should probably post a pic of Katie Ups in that nun-kini, but instead we want to thighlight cutie Carly Craig

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Stooges is Three of a kind at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Comic-Con Episode IV: A Fan’s Hope
Conventional Wisdom Dorkdom
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 88 min

Morgan Spurlock takes a very Morgan Spurlockish topic and makes a very un-Morgan Spurlocklike doc about it.  WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?!?!?  It means Comic-Con Episode IV: A Fan’s Hope is a pretty standard made doc about something pop culturalish (San Diego’s annual comics & movie dweeb-a-thon), BUT, for the first time ever, Spurlock doesn’t rear his ugly face or give voice to his voice!!  You’d think that this would be a good thing, but after awhile, you kinda start wishing that he’d pop up to laff and smile and provide everymanish commentary

There’s nothing overtly special about this documentary, and it’s probably the least engaging one Spurlock has made, but don’t think for a second that it’s not worth yer time/dime.  This is a great way for you to see what Comic-Con is like (minus any real insight or history) without actually attending.  We’ve never been to Comic-Con, but have worked some other Comic-Con-esque-ish-like cons, and believe you we, it’s better to watch from afar, and not have to inhale the smell of these people

These people come from all walks of geek life, and Spurlock follows a handful of them in and around the con – 2 aspiring graphic artists looking to break into the indutsry, a girl obsessed with video games and creating costumes from them, a guy who plans on proposing to his nerdy queen with the help of Kevin Smith, and our personal favorite, a ye olde thyme comic book collector and seller, who puts some perspective on how the convention has changed over the years (guess what, it’s less about the comics and more about selling movies!)

Smattered inbetween all of this are one-liner reflections about the con by fans and the famous, who are also fans, peeps like Stan Lee, [THE MESSIAH] Joss Whedon, the aforementioned Smith, Eli Roth, etc etc

moral of the story – Spurlock’s very un-Spurlockiskian Comic-Con Episode IV: A Fan’s Hope doesn’t provide much hope, but does provide cuteness, laughs and a delightful lil overview of a convention that we should all probably stay 4 states away from

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Hope floats in limited release AND on VOD Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

We Have a Pope
(Habemus Papam)
Conclave of Forgotten Dreams
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
Not Rated | 102 min

We Have A Pope! And we have a mildly amusing movie about the selection of a Pope, who doesn’t really want to be the Pope, which sets off a series of sorta funny situations of cardinals doing cardinal stuff and doing normal people stuff!!!  OH THE HILARITY!  Not really, but Nanni Moretti really wishes you found it hilarious, which it probably would be, for anyone who lives in Vatican City, which is not many of us!

The flick is basically split into two parts. One revolves around the reluctant Pope (Michel Piccoli), who ‘escapes’ from the Vatican and roams round Rome, wandering and wondering about life outside of the red robes, and reminiscing about childhood and things and stuff.  The other half focuses on a psychiatrist (Moretti), whose original job was to get to the bottom of the reluctant Pope’s demons, but since the Pope fled, he makes the most of his time by keeping the rest of the cardinals entertained, even forcing them to play volleyball.  Cardinals playing volleyball, ha!!!  The Pope in every day situation bits is overly sentimental and not all that interesting, even though it probably should be.  The bits where the cardinals are playing volleyball is the only thing worth keeping score of.   Cardinals playing volleyball, ha HA!!!

moral of the story – if yer hard up for Papal humor or Papal anything, by all means, have We Have A Pope, but if you’d rather watch something more churchy and educmacational, peas peas peas watch the doc Constantine’s Sword

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Pope mildly disrobes in limited release this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Intruders
No Face Face Off
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 100 min

Things with no faces go bump in the night in Juan Carlos Fresnadillo‘s uneven, but very watchable Intruders.  They bump into Clive Owen‘s daughter Ella Purnell and to Pilar López de Ayala‘s son Izán Corchero.  And there’s nothing that they or (Black Book‘s often nekkid)  Carice van Houten, priest (our favorite German actor ever) Daniel Brühl, or unfoxy, but always roxing Kerry Fox can do about it, cause the bumpings may all be in these kids’ minds, or maybe not, or maybe so?!?!?!  And how are these two bumping cases, from two different countries (and languages) related?  They must be cause their stories are told separately, but of course this is a movie, so the two will come together at the end in some sorta nifty package, right?  They do, and when they do, it’s kinda sorta nifty, kinda sorta not, but mostly confusing, and makes this frightening looking, but not all that frightening movie kinda sorta fall apart, maybe?

moral of the story – Intruders had the right ingredients to bake a tasty scary movie cake (this aint no torture porn junk), but it feels kinda 3/4ed baked.  Juss cause something’s edible doesn’t mean you have to eat it, but you can

Verdictgo: a nice-ish try, so a high end Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Intruders invades theaters in limited release today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

can’t tell if this poster is cool or not