The Bourne Legacy
Oh Baby, Then It Fell Apart
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 135 min

Look, it’s another Bourne movie!!!!   Cept it has nothing to do with Jason Bourne cept showing his passport photo and having David Sthraharian and Joan Allen pop up for like 8 seconds.  So what is the Legacy of Bourne?  Dunno, something about grumpy-a$$hole-faced Jeremy Renner in the woods, fighting wolves, and snow, and taking green and blue pills.  But what happens when he starts to run out of pills??????  Drone planes will explode and wolves will be wrestled!!!   And then he has to drag frazzled doctor Rachel Weisz [kinda sick of her, ever since she dumped Aronofsky for Bond] into this [literal] mess, and then they have to go to Manila for some reason that has nothing to do with manila envelopes.  And whenever that whatever is done, they have to go to Thighland, so they can run on rooftops and then be in a motorcycle chase, cause the rest of the movie was so blah-zay that they have to sorta remind us viewers what we liked about the real Bourne movies, which is action, and not pills or snow or scared Rachel Weisz.  Oh, and Edward Norton is in it, playing a sorta David Strahaharriaian role, which means someone who points at monitors and screams at people to do things.  AWESOME!!!!  Not really

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Bourne lags-acies currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Campaign
On The Trail Mixed Bag
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 85 min

With The Campaign, Jay Roach has now made as many average political movies (Recount + that Sarah Palin one) as he has Austin Powerses (when one AP was enuff).  The rest of his resume consists of 2 up and down/frown Focker flicks, Mystery, Alaska, the mostly lacking Dinner for Schmucks, and something called Zoo Radio.  Lets just say that Mel Brooks isn’t losing any sleep over this oeuvre.  But what are we saying?  We haven’t said anything!  But what we’re gonna say is that Jay Roach makes unmemorable films that contain very memorable laughs.  The Campaign?  Forgettable, but it certainly had its [funny] moments.  Is that enuff?  Sure, why not

Pit Will Ferrell against Zach Galifianakis in a single movie and dare it to be unfunny.  WE DARE YOU!!!!!!  They both play two inept dudes running for some North Carolina congressional seat.  Their ‘heated’ race and ‘nail-bitting’ election are udderly uninteresting, when we guess they could have been, but the hi-jinks Will & Zach toss our way guarantee to make The Campaign a worthwhile staple of cable TV airings in the decade to come.  Is that enuff? Sure, why not

But we expect betterbester of our comedies.  The satire could have been more biting, instead juss being nibbly.  And when you have a campaign staff consisting of such heavies as John Lithgow, Dan Aykroyd and Brian Cox, but have them do nothing but fake smile and shake hands, you know that bester is possible.  Dylan McDermott, as a stealthy taskmaster, and Karen Maruyama, as an antebellum sounding maid, boost the approval ratings a bit, but the whole affair is a tight race that’s almost too close to call, if it’s worth your time or not.  Is that enuff? Maybe not, but you could always juss re-watch Election instead

InnHERspace: Katherine LaNasa is out of this orbit hot

so much so that she’s been married to Dennis Hopper AND French Stewart, and now is engaged to Grant Show

Verdictgo: loooooooooooooow end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Campaign swings into a state near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

when Terrence Malick meets Push: Based On The Novel By Sapphire meets Where The Wild Things Are meets cat food étouffée, it equals…

Beasts of The Southern Wild
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 93 min

see this, and believe in movie magic, again!!!!!!!!

Quvenzhané Wallis is udderly blind-mowing.  Her debut performance is the best we’ve seen since Thomas Turgoose goosed it up in This Is England. Heck, her performance instantly enters her in the child movie performance hall of fame (right alongside lasses like Portman/Tatum/Manz/Fanning(s)), and into the Oscar race, and if she’s left out, then the OSCARS CAN BLOW ME MORE THAN THEY ALREADY NEED TO!!

Oh, and Dwight Henry is amazingsz too, and so is everyone else, and so is this movie, even if it’s like watching a dream nightmare étouffée, with lots of rhyme and lots of reason, whatever that means

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Beasts run Wild in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Total Recall
Pissing On Paul Verhoeven’s Non-Existent Grave
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 118 min

Not awful, but pure blasphemy.  3 tits, ‘2 weeks’, & 1 giant waste of everything.  Jessica Biel’s annoying face needs to be recalled, same with Bryan Cranston’s wig, same with that scowl Kate Bake-sale oversells every 8 seconds.  Colin Farrell was actually pretty good & the production design was kinda OK, but who cares when there’s a Total Recall that already exists and is THE FCUKING SH!T!!!!!!!!  Consider this a divorce from mine eyes and any remakes going forward (superhero start-overs don’t count)

Recall Recall: I-Mockery’s Ten Best Things About [the original] Total Recall, with rawesome gifs

Verdictgo: if it was called something else, like Dark Bushy Eyebrows In Space, it wouldn’t be as lame as it is, so Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Total Recall is a total waste of your time at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Step Up Revolution
The Revolution Will Be Danceivised
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 99 min

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE, THEY TOTALLY STEPPED IT UP, IN MIAMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  They danced, cause they were The Mob, and The Mob are like dancers with a positive message and mission, cept they really should be locked up cause they often break laws, like the law of BEING AWESOME AT DANCING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s true

So what’s the story of Step Up 4 (in muss see 3-D)?  Does it really matter?  No.  The only thingsz that matter is that there’s awesome dancing and that our lead dancers are hot.  Well, MISSION ACCOMPLISCLICIOUS!!!!!!  (but for those who care about such things, the story is about finding a purpose for dancing, and that purporse is to save a neighborhood from Peter Gallagher‘s eyebrows!!!!!)

There was DANCING!!!!  OH BOY WAS THERE.  Dancing in the streets, on the beach, in a restaurant, at a board meeting, in a lobby, in a Cuban bar, at a swanky reception, in a dance studio, at a shipping dock, and in our hearts!!!!

And our two leads - Ryan Guzman and Kathryn McCormick – were hottttttttttttttttt AND wet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND THERE WAS A CAMEO BY MOOSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! [SPOILER ALERT!!]

And if you hate dancing and hot people, well, you really need to examine what’s wrong with your life and tastes

Verdictgo: not really, but Breast In Show

Step Up ups the ante, not really, but sorta, at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…