Use Your Illusion III?

The Illusionist
Eat Yer Fart Out Doug Henning
Trailer

Tis about butt stankin time somone cast Jessica Biel in a real motion picture. I mean her only worthwhile credit before this was striking gold with the much honored, much snoozerificness of Ulee. In between the two it’s been nuttin but dreck (Stealth [TWS review]) upon dreck (Summer Catch) upon dreck (Blade: Trinity). I wouldn’ta been sirprized if her next project was called Dreck The Halls With Balls of Biel. Yet being cast in a real movie doesn’t always translate into a breakout performance, as is the case here with The Illusionist. Although Biel’s Sophie is a major character and plot point of the movie, she doesn’t have much to do besides smile and occasionally wear a dope a$$ satin red cloak. Hell, if they’re gonna give her lil to nothing to do, she should at least be in those scenes with lil to nothing on! Maybe her break out (or bustin out… of clothing) will take hold with her Next project (pun mos def intended, jerk!).

The lack of Biel meat is just one aspect as to why The Illusionist is merely entertaining, and not a thumcredible piece of cinema. The story about a traveling magician (a very hairy Edward Norton) who wows every audience eggcept that of the crown prince of Austria (bestest screen arsehole/poor man’s Jude Law, Rufus Sewell) doesn’t eggzactly wow us either. If they didn’t throw in that whatever twist at the end, I probably woulda picked up garbage from the theater’s floor and flung it at the screen. I don’t really understand why The Illusionist didn’t live up to it’s potential. How could they not pull a Ulee with a bearded up Paul Giamatti emoting his motes in front of one of the year’s finest set designs mees has seen? I dunno. Maybe it was all an illusion!!!

Recommended for those who like: David Brent’s training day facilitator from Episode 4, the Handlebar Club, and the kickin clothes of the Five Chinese Brothers

Possible Porno Name: The Ill Na Na-usionist

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix director Neil Burger’s udderly fascinating first feature Interview with the Assassin [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Abracadabra’ by The Steve Miller Band [d]

IMDb Sweeney: in the span of 4 years, character actor/THAT GUY Eddie Marsan has worked with Mike Leigh, Terrence Malick, Alejandro González Iñárritu, Michael Mann, and Martin Scorsese. Eggspect the Man from Mars to show up in even more hotness for years to come

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

until next time the balcony is clothed…